Overflow of Random Nonsense @lettersfromjulienne - Tumblr Blog

Can someone please explain to me why I’m having a mental breakdown because someone decided that the right place for storing a cooking pot is on top of the washing machine?

“Go back to your country. You don’t belong here. Stop stealing our jobs”

“Whites only water fountains. You can drink elsewhere”

“Jews not allowed. Live in the ghettos or send them to the camps.”

“Women have no place in the workforce, they belong in the kitchen.”

“It’s okay to be a trans woman, just don’t go inside female designated toilets”

“It’s okay to be gay, just don’t crossdress, flaunt yourself in public, or be my child’s teacher.”

“I’m not saying drag queens are bad for society, there is just a right place for it”

Different times, different places, different words, echoing a never-ending rhetoric; with varying degrees of hate, discrimination, and prejudice; targeting different groups/communities; telling them that belonging is conditional; telling them they are accepted so long as their freedoms and liberties conform to the confined spaces of what others believe they deserve; so long as they do not step over the line where they are perceived as a threat. What a sad world we live in.

Peace

In my perpetual sleeplessness, restful slumber evades me. I find myself in simple disbelief of how easy it is for you fall asleep beside me. Seldom do I find myself annoyed by this bliss. Oftentimes, I look at you and I am at peace.

I am at peace knowing that life has been kinder to you even when it has been calloused towards me. I am at peace knowng that a smile and a laugh that emanates from you is not tainted by sorrow. I am at peace knowing that you don’t have the weight of what bears heavy in my chest. And in life’s utter unfairness, I am at peace knowing that your troubles are not as deep as mine.

I feel the purest joy with these sudden realisations and beg time to stand still. With a silent cry, I wish life remains kind to you and spares you from becoming the somber human that most of us become. And I pray that whenever you may need peace, you also find it when you look at me.

If I seize to exist for a day, will the world go on without me? Will the lives that use me as their foundation crumble and turn to rubble or will it simply build anew and strengthen itself? Sometimes I feel that the mere fact of my existence enables behaviours that exhausts my strength until I drop, steals my bounty until I am barren, and sucks my soul until there is nothing left but an empty void.

There is so much anger in me, so much pain that is waiting to burst. Somehow, hot tears diffuse the pressure that builds up time and again. It urges me to run away to a place where my existence just disappears in a busy crowd, unknown to anyone. A shadow with no name. Perhaps when I become noone, my troubles will let me go and I can be free. These lives will still go on without me.

Oh what misery it is to be sane!

Seasons

I walk under the shadows of trees whose fallen leaves have surrendered and branches bare naked to the season. There is a chill in the air as autumn starts bearing its mark and the day darkens to a close. It feels somewhat mournful. I am pensive, oblivious to the noise that surround me and all my senses become mute.

I think to myself, “what is my life’s narrative?”. I often look at my life like a reader renders the words of a book into imagination. Sometimes, akin to movies, I imagine that there is music playing in the background during the scenes of my life for onlookers to understand the emotions that run deep in my soul. Perhaps I look for sympathy in times where I feel a victim; admiration in times where I feel more of a heroin.

More importantly, I ask myself, “What is my legacy?”. When I pass by peoples lives, what is the season that I bring? Perhaps I am as cold as the icy winter and the thought of me brings a shiver to one’s being or a cool breeze that lulls others to sleep. May I have brought warmth in one’s moment of solitude like that of a beautiful summer’s day or have I scorched one’s skin and worsened one’s pain. Perhaps I bring a certain sense of cheer like the flowers that bloom in springtime or will that optimism seem like poison to those that do not see life’s beauty any longer. Perhaps like this autumn day, my legacy is the silent surrender of one’s sorrows to the passing of time and letting them go as the leaves fall one by one.

Nuanced

I have been in a hiatus for so long. I forgot how it is to make words flow from the hollowness of my thoughts into this blank screen, my fingers tapping rhythmicly. It is euphoric. It feels like a song, moreso a memory of how I was back then.

I can feel my chest heave, my eyes glistening as my vision blurs, and the slow release of tension as tears trickle down my cheeks. I am mad - in the insane sense of the word. In-between a laugh and a cry. It feels all so familiar but weirdly not as frighteningly heavy.

Books are a detriment to my sanity. I’d like to think so. Under the lamplight, words are blaring at me and my mind feels under attack. It takes up arms and throws words back to an unseen enemy. I walk in existence with random words flashing in my head. Nuanced. I refuse to be any less poetic. I refuse to be meek. We live a mediocre life and how it unfolds is barely within our control. In the grand scheme of things, I am a mere statistic. In the end, death takes us all that even a sigh to my memory will cease to exist.

Let my words be my protest to this mundanity. And may these words be a permanent ink in this invisible screen.

Joys and Fears

This is me in a SCUBA suit. Yes me. Since I could remember, one of my life goals is to one day be able to swim with sharks. This is the day that I took one step towards that goal and stepped back wondering if I will ever do this again.

Little does anyone know, I am not just wet all over. Inside that mask, my eyes are wet with tears fighting the devil in my mind telling me that I can’t do this, that this is too much. Morbidly speaking, my mind has a vivid image of me drowning because I breathed the wrong way, I am too far from safety, no one is noticing I am in trouble, and rescue will be too late. My mind goes on and on and it is paralyzing.

I am a rationale human being. I think objectively, removing myself and my emotions from the situation in front of me. I think of the processes and the technicalities, try to see everything in all perspectives, weigh risks, and plan my actions. I look at ever angle I could find where things might go wrong and form a contingency plan. All these, simply to convince myself that it’s okay, that I’m okay, and that I can do this.

Don’t get me wrong, this was one of the best days of my life. Yet, also one of the most terrifying. When all my dreams and hopes fall hostage to my anxieties and my fears, I can either find the bravery within me and push forward or cower in silent defeat.

It took me some minutes, a good amount of convincing, holding back on puking, and enormous strength to stay underwater for probably a solid 5 minutes. But it felt like eternity. Although eventually my anxiety took the best of me and I had to go back up, I am extremely proud of myself for this small feat. This one will not be the last. I owe it to myself to keep going.

#anxiety

New acquisitions! Tonight is gonna be a sleepless night. 🤣 (at London, Unιted Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CROv988FrBUfISr-qnHnp8PZ52cq8sWG6AdJOA0/?utm_medium=tumblr

When all you see in life is the mundane and the arduous, you find in yourself the fascination of those with the sheer will to live, unperturbed hope, and unwavering faith. (at London, Unιted Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/COYCeeDFHPz-a8zIbd3IoGRiI4grC1wmtij9O40/?igshid=1ibwqsx81wpf6

at London, Unιted Kingdom https://www.instagram.com/p/CLdPRHNFmV1/?igshid=qqmkb0mp9f7c

Just some random things along the day... https://www.instagram.com/p/CCg3B0WjJ75/?igshid=1co2j4g0q0rng

“Death has become an industry that is profitable only if it’s done wholesale.” (at London, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCc_qTcli4E/?igshid=uwufbzlyrw5b

at Camberwell Green https://www.instagram.com/p/CCbzU4oFKmQ/?igshid=q0toa6vme4dm

If we can’t be open, if we can’t accept what we don’t know, there really is no hope. - The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry https://www.instagram.com/p/CCbE_kLFc4_/?igshid=iqsgo6fydk5u

#musicislife https://www.instagram.com/p/CCPHrv_lFYU/?igshid=1oyd2qtpd21mu

#musicislife

She is messy but she’s kind. She is lonely most of the time. https://www.instagram.com/p/CCPG80NFlX2/?igshid=1gw8slzcr6qro

Be a Nurse, they say... It doesn’t have Maths, they say... 💉🩸🩺🩹 (at King's College Hospital) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCMKsvYlB5n/?igshid=1lm6t53x7nghj

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