Where the Light Enters Me @lettersfromthewoundedplace-blog - Tumblr Blog

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i miss you so badly. why did you have do this to me? you told me that i was part of your household. that you loved me. we got a dog together. i do not understand. i feel so misled. my hearts hurts so badly. i fucking miss you. you send me these little morsels of your attention, but they don’t seem at all to be invested in any type of real connection. my heart is breaking. and i don’t ever want to trust again. i don’t ever want to love again. and i blame you for all of that. no, i also blame myself. for being so stupid. i remember the red flags. but i refused to pay attention to them. the same way that i did with tiff. and lauren. and while backpacking. it’s like i am incapable of taking the best care of myself possible.

i am so fucking sad. you were my best friend. now, there is both good and bad stuff going on and i am traveling with hugo and you don’t know anything about any of it. so many times i have wanted to pick up the phone and call you or test you because i see something that reminds me of you. or something happens that i want to tell you about. but i don’t. because.... well because of so many reasons. i want you to hurt the way that i am. i want you to feel shut out. but maybe you don’t even care. you said i was your best friend. is this how you treat best friends?

dear brandy

fuck you. fuck you for leading me to think that we were moving in the direction of a future together. fuck you for getting a dog with me. fuck you for telling me that we were okay, for kissing me and telling me you wanted to have physical contact with me... and then for sending me a fucking text message 2 hours later to break up with me. fuck you.

i am heartbroken. and you don’t seem to give a fuck. i bet you’re totally happy and content now. and who the fuck tells their ex that they miss their shared dog “a little bit” and doesn’t mention a damn thing about their ex? i don’t think you’re heartless. but i do think you’re aloof.

did you ever love me like a partner? or was the beginning a just a rush of adrenaline over shiny and new and then that faded and you decided you weren’t in love with me because the rush was gone? i’ve seen that’s how you do it. it’s like with hilary. bullshit did you ever used to text people in the capacity with which you were texting her. the only person that you sent that many text messages to was me. you said that’s how you used to text all of your friends. bullshit. the only people i ever saw you talk to that much, even very early in our relationship, was work and you would talk to your sister on the phone often. i know you were lying. my gut says that you lied about a lot of stuff. so fuck you.

fuck you for making me feel crazy. for making me doubt my gut. fuck you.

i took good care of you all week. we gave you an entire living room set. i took care of you while you were sick. i made you dinner so it was ready when you came home from a long day. i took care of your fucking dog. i had been cleaning your house up for you.

fuck you.

and fuck you for how you’re showing up right now. you tell me that you still want to be there for me. that you want to experience my life with me as my friend. but you aren’t being a fucking friend. you don’t have a clue what i’ve done for the last 4 days. you’ve hardly talked to me. and i don’t have a clue what you’ve been doing either. granted, i’m not asking, but you aren’t offering. at any rate, this doesn’t feel like i am your best friend. this feels like i am someone that you are reaching out to when you are lonely or miss hugo or don’t have anyone else to talk to.

fuck you mutherfucker.

fuck everything

writing in an effort to get the tears rolling. though, they’re already rolling. i am triggered and scared and totally fucking messy tonight. my relationship with my girlfriend feels.... idk. not connected in any way. i would say that i feel most connected to her when she is sick/tired/injured and in need of love from me. i don’t feel equal to her in any way. i feel like i clean for her and cook for her and walk her dog and cuddle her when she needs love. and i can’t figure out what i’m getting out of the relationship. companionship, i suppose. but i know that i can find that elsewhere. she doesn’t ask me to go on dates or do anything. she is more excited to have time with friends than with me. and, the truth is, i’m less and less excited to spend time with her anyway. i feel used. that’s the truth of the matter. i am beginning to get resentful and bitter because of it. she doesn’t do things for me, not like she used to. i used to think that she was really thoughtful and caring. now, i’m not sure. i know that relationships wax and wane, but this seems to literally be a monthly occurrance now. and, honestly, i think that if i tracked it, it would happen approximately 28 days apart. that somehow this tracks with her/our periods.

done for now.

an so here i am. doing that morning writing thing. of whatever comes to my mind. it’s hard to access single thought because inside feels like a tornado. swirling and spinning and out of control. i know that i need to start working on my spiritual building block. i need to start working on mindfulness. even if that is only 1 minute of sitting and breathing. and this is something that i can do multiple times a day. in fact, i am going to set a 1 hour timer each hour today and do 1 minute every hour. i can o this.

i know that most of what is going on with me is dating someone that i am not living with. and living with someone that i used to be dating. so, eventually, that has to change. but while i am in it i need to learn how to be okay in it. i did some reading this morning on complex ptsd and attachment disorders. i found it to be reassuring. i’m grateful for the internet. but i also know that i am supposed to be doing less analyzing and trying to know so i am sure that googling things was not helpful in the least.

almost heaven. west virginia. blueridge mountains. shanendoah river. life is old here. older than the trees. younger than the mountains blowing like a breeze. country roads take me home to a place i belong. west virginia. mountain mama. country roads. take me home.

i miss katie. i miss montana. i miss roots and connection. i miss community. i miss family.

it’s my damn worth

just writing writing writing. i’m fucking angry but i don’t know why. yes, actually, i do. i feel like my issues aren’t big or important enough for brandy to turn off her fucking tv and pick up the phone and call me to talk. like i have to chase her to get her to talk to me about stuff. and that sucks. i am crawling out of the my skin and i don’t know what to do about it except for to write the energy out of me. i am angry and panicky and just fucking gross inside. and i am angry that i started to tank this afternoon and have been spiraling downhill every since. i am angry that i can’t fucking piece together many solid good days. i feel like brandy doesn’t actually care about me outside of a way that it fits her needs. like she doesn’t come to my house. she doesn’t make an effort to come to me. i have to go to her. she rarely picks up the phone to call me. when she knows that i am struggling she just goes silent and waits for me to reach out. i want to run if only to be chased. which i realize means that i am determining my worth based on whether or not someone chases me. and that bothers me. i don’t want to be this way. i want to be different. and i want to figure out what the triggers are that cause me to be going along strong in a day and then BAM just start spiraling. i do think that blood sugar and sleep play huge roles. but i also notice that lately any times i have started to have real conversations with brandy about things, she tells me that she is thinking about her dog. or her bedroom blinds. or what workout she is going to do. or anything that has absolutely fucking nothing to do with what i am actually saying.

i am determining my worth on her. and i am worth more than that. my worth is mine alone. it is not determined by my children, by dixie, by my career, by holly, by brandy. my worth is determined simply by the fact that i exist.

it’s amazing the way that writing actually really helps release some of the energy that i’m not capable of naming.

i am fucking angry that i don’t feel safe talking about things that hurt my feelings in my connection with brandy because i worry that she’ll just break up with me. that isn’t a healthy relationship. i need to be able to voice when things are hurting or not matching up and i need to have someone not change the topic or get angry or run away.

energy clearing

free association time. here goes nothing. slept at brandy’s last night. i felt hollow. numb. empty. like i really didn’t care whether or not she wanted me here. and, quiet frankly, i don’t think i cared whether or not i wanted to be here. but i know that under the numb and hollow, i did. and when she told me last night that she was glad i was here, i couldn’t feel how that felt to hear. but when i recalled her saying it this morning, i could feel it. so i know that getting some sleep helped a bit.

grief is such a hollow experience. it physically hurts. and i miss holly. and i wonder if what i had with holly i will ever have with brandy. or, if not with brandy, with anyone. though as i am writing i recognize that the goal is not to find another holly; that would be impossible. the goal is to be clear with myself about what i want in a partner and then to create that with brandy or let go of brandy and find the person who fits what i am looking for. it’s hard to tell if i have that with brandy, given my current inability to feel secure in this attachment. i need a reparative attachment. i think that maybe my therapist is a place to have that. i want to try to have it there. i know that that can be significantly helpful and that that is the point of having a therapist.

i want to figure out my employment situation. i believe that having enough money to be able to breathe will be significantly good for my emotional well-being. but i also don’t want to chase money. i want to work 4 days a week, if possible. if i worked 4 8 hour days, that would be 32 hours a week. and if i was making 15 dollars an hour doing that.... that’s about 1800 before taxes. so, really, i need to average like 18 dollars an hour... which would be about 2000 before taxes.

brandy just came out in her uniform and it feels like she is about to leave. which i am not ready for. i realize that when someone says they’re leaving at a certain time but then they leave earlier, i’m not ready. the bandaid feeling comes. i hate the bandaid feeling. who decided that it had to even exist? oh, that’s right. the situation with my parents in my chilldhood is how come it exists.

wow. anxiety is building. i didn’t have any i don’t think until brandy came out here. that’s definitely something to examine. but not at the moment. i can’t do it with her sitting here. and after writing this, i have to give myself a 2 hour break from analyzing. i wonder how i am going to spend my time today. i want to play guitar for sure. and work on my puzzle. and go to the beach. and look for jobs. yes. i will make those 4 things happen in some capacity today.

no more hustling

here begins my mornings of free association.

i woke up anxious this morning. i haven’t felt like this in days. i think it is related to me not waking up next to brandy. i think that having had long periods of time with her, it is hard to be on this side now; away and disconnected. that damn need for object constancy kicks in. i hear myself asking, “how come some times she tells me she loves from a very genuine place and then other times she seems aloof?” i do notice that there happens to be a pattern. if my kids have been involved, she is a bit more aloof. i think this is related to the energy involved in being around my kids - especially Mason - and also that we are less physically connected when they are around. i would like to have it set up where i stay at brandy’s every other night. i wonder if it is possible to make that happen. or maybe 2 off, 1 on. i think part of the struggle for me is that i basically lived there for a week. she even called it our house, stated that i was part of the household. i think that is easy to do when we are living together like that. i think that then the kids come home and i have to come back to being here and reality kicks in for both of us. but this can be done. we can have a great relationship and not live together. i 100% believe this. and i also 100% believe that that means that i have to get busy creating a life for myself. to create a life that she is a part of, not that is built around her. already, this writing is helping. i notice a shift in my anxiety. i notice i feel a bit more powerful. i think this has to do with naming the things that i can have control over. for instance, i have control over the life that i create for myself. i have control over the foods i eat, the exercise and sleep i get, the people i interact with, the trips i take, the books i read, the adventures i go on, etc. i have control over so much. what i don’t have control over are other people. their decisions. their choices. and that lack of control causes me anxiety. so i have to come to terms with that.

took a break to make my tea. restarting the association is difficult. i was thinking about prayers. about how praying isn’t about reaching out to some sort of deity that is outside of me. praying is really about accessing the divine wisdom within. and there are prayers i have used in the past that really helped and that i think i would like to start using again.

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

god, i offer myself to you. to build with me and to do with me as you will. relieve me of the bondage of self so that i may better do they will. take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those i may help, of your power, your love, and your way of life. may i do your will always.

god, redirect my thinking.

that redirect my thinking one... i think that is one i need to use a lot more often. i don’t think that i spend enough time thinking about myself. what do i want? how am i? where am i going? i think that i am constantly worrying about others... but from a place that is about me. do they still love me? that seems to be the biggest question i operate from. i am living so as to be loved instead of living as though i am loved. and that is hustling for my worth and i am so fucking tired of that.

this year, i am going to learn that i am lovable. i am worthy. i am valuable. i am loved. and then i am going to learn how to live from that place. this year, i am going to learn to put down the hustle. this year is about me.

but how the fuck does one do that? how does one put down the hustle and pick up the knowing that they are worthy? see, that makes me anxious. the not knowing how to do it. i can see what i want my life to be like. i can see how i want to show up in the world and in my own life. and i have no clue how to get there. the not knowing how.... fuck. that makes me feel hopeless and lost and depressed. i need to know how to get there.

buzzzzzz

buzzing.

buzzing, buzzing, buzzing. that’s my status this morning. i recognize it was the anxiety that comes with the unknown. how will today play out? is brandy thinking that she doesn’t want to be with me? when will i see her next? what will i do today?

it’s definitely helpful to have a “next indicated thing.” this morning, i woke up and have been following my planned routine. i intended not to get on my phone until i had completed the entire thing, but i made it halfway through and one hour without. gotta say, that’s still a vast improvement from the past few months. i even sat in meditation and made an intentional gratitude list today. also on the docket is shooting hoops, yoga, dbt, and time in nature. i would also like to spend some time playing video games with reba online if we can make that happen.

i sound like a high school or college kid. what a loser. there is literally no fulfillment in any of that shit.

wait, you don’t get to call yourself a loser. i won’t let that happen today. true, your life does not seem to have any meaning right now. you feel unfulfilled. but you are not a loser. you are sick. and you can recover from this, even if you can’t see the way out today.

#ptsd #ptsd recovery #anxiety

writing writing writing

funny how they always start this way. my house smells like shit. and it’s dirty. but i am tired. tired of always cleaning. tired of always giving and doing. tired of never receiving. tired of having to deal with other people. tired of life feeling worthless and pointless and meaningless.

because it does.

every damn day.

and i’m not used to not being able to jump start it. i don’t know what to do when i can’t get into “fuck everyone” mode and light myself on fire.

i’m angry with brandy. i feel used. that is my truth. and, don’t get me wrong. i see where she is doing things for me. but almost all of those things involve buying me things and that means nothing to me.

i guess, ultimately, i’m not upset with her. i’m upset with myself. i’m upset that i can’t activate my highest self anymore. i’m upset that life is passing me by and i’m just waiting for death to come. because that is exactly how i feel. like i can’t even muster the ability to become even slightly excited by the potential and possibility of who i am. i can’t fucking live like this.

i feel like there is so much pressure. my relationship with brandy doesn’t feel easy and light. it feels tense. like walking on eggshells. like praying that i don’t fuck up while all the time feeling less and less towards her.

i know what part of it is. part of it is that she’s constantly reminding me that she’s got one foot out the door. that we still aren’t in a real thing. we broke up and never got back together. so i’m still feeling like... just some girl. i recognize that her behaviors show more than that... but how do i know it’s not just something she’s doing?

i recognize what this is. it is about not feeling secure. not feeling like i am worth it to her to make a commitment. 6 months in and i feel like just some girl. i am a comfort object. an item of convenience. i am not a commitment. i am not a movement towards a future.

i know that i am capable of being a badass. i know that i am capable of being my biggest, baddest, fullest, potentiated self. i am scared that i can’t find the drive that i knew used to exist. that i’ll never find it again. i’m scared that this is my reality for the rest of my life. that nothing is ever going to get better.

writing, writing, writing.

funny how sometimes these literally start with me saying that exact thing. i think it is because i am unsure how else to start it.

campbell is listening to music that i started for her while she showers. it feels good to support her in that small way that is actually a huge way.

i have the potential today to get on track. to have some structure and routine in my day. to start to overcome the depression that is kindly accompanying the anxiety. i am clear that i want to continue to see clients. i like that healing work. however, the way that i have been seeing them does not work for me. it lacks fulfillment. so far, i know that i want to do healing work, that i want to stayed tied to shine a light, that i want to have outdoor work, that i want to bring home at least $2000 a month...

things i want in my life:

3 full days off over the weekend $2000 a month access to my children close, meaningful connection to community to be engaged in meaningful healing work to be engaged in meaningful educating work to be engaged in continued learning

been a few days since i’ve written. and today i feel low, low, low. last night diie told me that she thinks that i am making all of this up. she said she thinks i am making up the ptsd but that i definitely have “something mental” going on. she said that she thinks i have it made because i am not working because “i know” that she will financially support me. she doesn’t have a fucking clue. she doesn’t know the sadness and anxiety i face every day. she doesn’t know that, for me, not working is contributing to how shitty i feel. she doesn’t know that i am not her.

so where does this put me this morning?

unwilling to talk to anyone about what’s going on with me. unwilling to be honest with anyone about how much i want to die every day. well, my psychologist. i definitely want to be honest with her. i see that i have put a strain on brandy. a strain on my relationship with willow. that dixie thinks i am making the whole thing up. even sitting here, i am not able to write much because she is sitting in the living room with me and i don’t want her to see me crying.

i’m right back where i started. and i can fucking do this. i can hold it down.

so damn proud of myself.

i am at brandy’s, where i stayed last night. this morning i woke up at 5 and couldn’t sleep any longer. instead of laying in bed wishing that she would want to talk to me or want to be intimate with me, i got my ass out of bed.

i activated.

so far this morning i have read, done the calisthenics thing, gone for a 20 minute walk with the dog, made tea and coffee, and unloaded the dishwasher at b’s house. now, i’m sitting to drink my tea and write.

this is who i am. i am someone who wakes up to greet the day and doesn’t look back. i am someone who is motivated and secure. i am someone who has a lot of self-respect and cares for myself in respectful and respecting ways. i don’t need someone to wake up with me and be excited to see me. i don’t need someone to initiate sexual intimacy with me in order for me to know that i am attractive. it’s true that what i am going through right now does not scream sexual intimacy, but that has nothing to do with who i am.

man, i feel good this morning. i am immensely grateful for dr. torissi and her homework assignment about treatment goals and how she phrased the assignment. i do, however, i find it interesting and even odd that my goals up through the mornings were so easy to come up with. and my goals around my physical and spiritual well-being also. the harder goals are the goals related to my career and relationships/friendships/community. i intend to give that some more thought today, but i am more interested in the theme underlying it all.

side note - i do honestly think that b is depressed. either that, or she is someone who is content to just exist her way through life. this is important for me to take note of. i want adventure. at this point in time, brandy is not an adventure.

i love you

computer says i only have 14% battery. which i do not understand. pretty sure i charged the thing last night. mayhaps not.

lots of anxiety this morning. having a hard time naming the source, though seeing brandy today seems to keep coming up when i try to uncover it. not just seeing her. waiting for the bomb to drop. yes, that is definitely it. my anxiety is that it is november 28th and we are 2 days away from the 30 days “prove myself” cut off date. also, my anxiety comes from something that happened last night. i told her that i missed her and wished that she was here. she said nothing. a conversation about this ensued, and she said that when i tell her those things her brain says, “no. that’s not okay.” however, as i pointed out, she often tells me that she misses me or wished i was there. so....

so i wonder if she doesn’t like me as much as i like her. i wonder if she has a fear of engulfment. even as i write that, my gut says that is what is going on. my clinical ability kicks in and says, “yes.” she has an avoidant attachment style. that is totally what is going on. which explains what kymber and i think is her “fear of commitment.”

again, i am reminded of my need to lean heavily into everyone else but her. this means reba, joslyn, kymber, alicia. it doesn’t mean hillary or willow, as already i think my welcome in the homes of those hearts is over-stayed. i need and want to lean into the universe. to lean into my Self. because, the truth is, no one is dependable. except reba. she is the only person in my life who i have yet to feel cannot be depended on. and i don’t have romantic feelings for her at all. this, my friends, is a win.

i didn’t do my full movement routine today. i walked the loop, did the calisthenics. i didn’t do the 20 minute walk after the calisthenics. i didn’t want to do any of it, to be quite honest. so i am grateful for my ability to activate enough to do the first 2 parts.

definitely nervous about seeing brandy.

nala is sleeping on my lap as i am writing this. more like sleeping on my arms that are resting on my lap for the typing. she is resting and purring and it is all so very therapeutic. i love the loyalty of this cat. here is something that loves me unconditionally.

there sure is a lot of nonsense rambling going on here this morning. oh well. there is no judgment.

i wish i could wake up consistently. yesterday, i felt motivated to heal. today, i feel terrified. i like motivated better. either way, i recognize that both are simply energies.

what is that i am anxious about this morning, anyway?

brandy dropping the ball never getting better deciding i don’t want to be a therapist not having a fulfilling life shit, tayler. all of these are things in the future that you have no idea about. this is why being here now is so important. future tripping is costing you your sanity in this present moment. come on back. notice the room. notice the sounds. notice the cat. notice your breath. talk to god if it helps. just, please, get yourself out of the future that is tormenting you while it doesn’t even exist and get yourself back to here and now.

i love you

#anxiety #ptsd #ptsd recovery #avoidant #beherenow

a spark

this morning, i feel some internal resolve. some awareness of how i feel. some awareness of what i need to do. i don’t like any of it. that’s for damn sure. but i am aware of it and i want to take some action.

i think i need to be able to bring home about 1500 a month. if i can do this, i can find myself a little studio space to rent. i can’t keep living in this house like this. i actually don’t mind the physical arrangement. i don’t mind the garage being a room. i’m quite cozy and comfy out there. what i don’t like is the energy between me and dixie in this house. when she is not here, the house is light and airy and fun. i play with the kids. we have a good time. when she is here... it is terror for my heart. so, no... i can’t keep going this way.

in order bring home about 1500, i can’t continue to use shine a light as my only source of income. right now, i bring home about 1200 from shine a light and i am burnt out doing that. so i think i would like to find some work for 10-15 hours a week that is during hours that fit what i want and then work 15-20 hour seeing clients. if i see 20 hours of clients, i only want 10 other hours of work. and 15 clients = 15 other hours of work. ideally, i would like to just be paid cash. house cleaning. dog walking. childcare. these are all things that i can do.

today i feel motivated. this feels good. structure. routine. motivation. but i also do not want to distract myself with the business of job hunting/paperwork/etc from doing my grief and healing work. i do see a need for my days to have some written routines and structures. i can do that now.

tears

lots of anxiety and sadness this morning. grateful for this place to process it all. i am dreading christmas. fucking dreading it. this is likely to be a christmas that i spend alone, if i don’t make a plan. there is a lot of unprocessed grief in me about me and dixie ending. this is likely to be the first christmas in 6 years that we aren’t spending together. i still remember our first christmas like it was yesterday. building the bike for one of the kids. proposing. the lights on our bed. the magic of the kids. gifts to indicate that we were going to disneyland. my first christmas i had ever spent with kids. i was so in love with the whole thing. and now it’s all gone.

gone.

and i am pretty sure i am to blame for that all.

but am i? i mean, how do you figure that out? if i hadn’t have stepped out, would we be happy today? i fucking hate my memory. i hate my brain for always being stuck in the memories. it fucking makes it impossible to be happy now. to dream of and have hope for a future.

fuck everything.

i am so sorry that i hurt you. i am so sorry that i hurt us.

i love christmas. it is my favorite holiday. always has been. and now i am dreading it. i don’t want this to be my life. i want to be excited about the season. i want to enjoy the magic of it all.

can i do this? i can do this. but can i?

i think that it requires me to make a plan of how i want to spend the season. what are things that i want to do in order to enjoy the season? yes, that is where i need to start.

#christmas #trauma

again...

it’s been to long since i’ve written, again. so, here i am. i don’t know what to say. i’m trying to manage to start this healing process of ptsd and... i don’t even know where to begin. wait. yes i do.

routine. structure. this is where i have to start.

i’m trying that today. woke up naturally at 5am. fucked around on my phone. yeah... that’s one i want to cut out. read some harry potter. i’m re-reading the series as i do this healing thing. which is odd, because i’ve never re-read any book before. so... woke up, read. then i walked the loop. then i did some easy, basic calisthenic exercises from this website i found and took a walk. i came inside and applied coconut oil to my body while heating my tea water. then i let my tea steep while i tidied for 7 or so minutes. now i am teaing and writing. this, i think, is the start to a good morning routine. after i write, i will shower and then make myself something healthy and simple for the digestion for breakfast. likely, a smoothie. and this, i think, is how my mornings must go for awhile. whether i am sleeping at home, at brandy’s, or on a trip somewhere. this is how i want to start my days.

i’m going to get some paper to do some writing now. i want and need to post something visible in the house that i can see daily for this work to start.

#ptsd #ptsd recovery #routine #structure

what the actual fuck

is going on in the universe?

there is so much in me, i’ve got to write. writey, write, write.

dixie. yes, let’s start here. basically, there is no emotional connection between us anymore. we are like two complete strangers to one another. well, except for the fact that he has no problem talking to me about her job and asking for lovelife advice. she hasn’t asked me in.... christ, i don’t know how long, about anything involving me. well, that’s not true. this morning she asked what i was doing today. but, i’m not an idiot. i know there was a reason that she asked. of course, when i asked the reason, she didn’t have one. but the way she asked... again, i’m not stupid. also, this morning she made herself coffee and didn’t even ask me if i wanted tea. what the actual fuck?!?! i have made her coffee nearly every morning for the past 6.5 years. i think she’s made me tea like ... a dozen. okay, maybe it’s more than that. but... you get my point. so, i don’t know what the deal is. i think i have this thing where people want me to chase/attend to them all the time and when i don’t, they lose interest.

which....

brings me to brandy. she broke up with me again. surprise, surprise. told me that she doesn’t think i’m attractive and wanted to date other people when we were out at the halloween party together. the fucking party that i didn’t even want to go to, but went to on her behalf. and then took her home from and took care of her, because she was so drunk. see, here’s the thing... i am a total catch. and she even said that as she was breaking up with me. yeah... the whole fucking thing is so weird. reba has suggested that i make a pros and cons list. so, i’m going to give that a try right here.

pros: when we first met, she was exactly what i was looking for she is beautiful she has a very soft, comforting side she is responsible in her job i like the way her hand fits in mine i love her wrists she used to pay me attention she engages with the kids she presented as someone that fit what i wanted cons: she breaks up with me every month she does not try to have a physical relationship with me she quit telling me she loves me she is misleading she told me that she sees me more as a sister she wants to be chased, but doesn’t chase she is unwilling to hear me when i talk about my struggles she is defensive she spends most of her free time playing video games or watching tv i don’t agree with her dog parenting her house is usually a mess she doesn’t have a relationship with her parents she is misleading she is self-centered she breaks commitments easily i feel emotionally used a lot of the time

i honestly have the sense that i could go on and on with the cons list. and it was so hard for me to come up with the pros. i suppose that’s a sign.

now... what to do with it...

i’ve committed that i will chase her for the month of november. however, i am going to chase from a distance. i am going to actually pour myself back into myself. that is what i am gong to do. and i am going to take notes of how the connection with her is going. then, at the end of the month, we will see what to do with it all.

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