lex

bleh

[lex-in-red]

Just saw a TikTok that said “cracked so good that now I’m learning to play Magic the Gathering” and my giggle turned into a whimper when I remembered the list of cards in my notes app.

[lex-in-red]

I find myself morphing into you just to feel you near. I drink the coffee, I smoke the cigs, I listen to the albums, I look for cassettes, I smell the flowers. Anything to feel like you are still here.

[lex-in-red]

It is summer in Virginia and I am sweating from carrying a rug up into my apartment. I am standing in my sunlit kitchen eating blue and blackberries and thinking of fruit and whipped cream at pool parties in Texas in the summertime when I was seven or eight. It is summer in Virginia and I am twenty-two. The fruit on my tongue matches the art on my left arm and I am thinking of Change, that ceaseless, shadowy thing. It is summer in Virginia and I think I will sleep with the windows open tonight.

[lex-in-red]

one of my favorite supervisors just came up close to me and said “I want your ass in that chair paying attention to me and making direct eye contact so I know that you’re listening”

And I know he was joking, but I started blushing and tried to laugh it off.

And I didn’t pay attention. I thought of him saying that over and over.

[lex-in-red]

Sitting in bed finally crying feeling as alone as I did on those nights in middle and high school in that ducking house and I sat up bc rolling around gripping the comforter can do nothing for the absolutoferal and controlling feeling that I have and I caught the headlights of someone’s car reflect onto and slide across my ceiling through the break in the my curtains that looked just like when they would pull into the driveway four hours after they said they would be home and it completely put me back into that bed with the soft black comforter a stuffed animal in my lap to replace the human touch I so craved as I wished for someone anyone and cried as silently as anyone can, now bc I have a roommate through this thin wall who was once my parents on one side and my sister in the other and how has nothing changed? Everything has changed and it is all the same how am I ever supposed to get out of this labyrinth

[lex-in-red]

I wasn’t anxious on the way to work this morning. Or at all this morning. I was calm the whole time and I still did everything on time and in almost the same fashion as usual. Maybe I don’t have to be ruled by an incredible amount of unneeded energy.

[stopiwanttotalkaboutcheese]

🗡️

(in case you need a knife in the next two days for reasons unrelated to political assassinations)

[crabussy]

hey. don’t cry. crush three cloves of garlic into a pot with a dollop of olive oil and stir until golden then add one can of crushed tomatoes a bit of balsamic vinegar half a tablespoon of brown sugar half a cup of grated parmesan cheese and stir for a few minutes adding a handful of fresh spinach until wilted and mix in pasta of your choice ok?

[lex-in-red]

I don’t want to be hard and cold and repress all of my sad feelings. I want to feel them unapologetically and cry to release them

How embarrassing it is to feel.

[lex-in-red]

I have to spend every day of the rest of my life trying to fix this mess of a person that my parents made.

This socially awkward, selfish, self conscious, unintelligent, brainwashed, lazy, anxious, plain sack of shit that is incapable and unworthy of love.

I have to spend every day trying to become something that I am not and want to be so badly. I, at the age of 20, have to learn how to make friends. I have to learn how to make a schedule, speak up for myself and the things I want, ask questions, speak clearly, do taxes, make appointments, take a compliment, take criticism without thinking that I am the worst person on the planet, allow people to help me, not assume that I am bothering everyone around me, take initiative, have an original thought, put others before myself to a healthy degree, open a bank account, not over share, not cry at the first sign of trouble, choose to be around people who value me, and so many other things.

It is understood that who you are as a person is basically formed by your 18th birthday. That who you are the day you turn 18 is who you are going to be in your adult life. I don’t want this mess.

[feelingsoftheday]

I don’t know how many times i survived myself without telling anyone.

[honestyhour]

No one has a clue.

[lex-in-red]

I am often tired, and want to slow down. But I know that I would feel awful for not doing and experiencing everything, so I will slow down when I’m old.

“But you may never get old” some say.

Then I will never have to slow down. I will never have missed anything that I wanted to experience.

[lex-in-red]

nobody talk to me, everyone hates me and I keep messing up.

i am on my period but that has no correlation.

[lex-in-red]

so frustrating to swing back and forth between wanting to be hardcore and be able to hide my emotions and be mysterious and wanting to feel the freedom of showing my emotions and loving what I love and disliking what I dislike and just be the purest form of me. because in the end we all just want to love and be loved.

[lex-in-red]

and sometimes, it’s 00:47 and I’m sitting cross legged on my bed eating a mug full of off-brand fruity pebbles, wondering if I’m going to start my period soon; if I have unrealistic expectations for him; how on earth am I going to keep going?

but for now, I will watch Gilmore girls for the fourth or fifth time, finish my cereal and fall asleep planning the picnic that may not even go to plan tomorrow.

[lex-in-red]

broke my own heart again

[lex-in-red]

doing it again guys