Chapter 22 ~ Mummy time

[life-begins]

I'm sleeping in my own bed by myself tonight and it feels really good.

[life-begins]

Mummy and daddy are only friends now

Even though I could have been happy, I wouldn't have been true to myself

I don't see it as splitting our family apart, only spreading it out for the happiness of everyone and for my mental health

[life-begins]

Unhappy

All alone with no alters is scary, lonely. Like I'm always missing the mains parts of me.

Alters come back and now I'm unhappy for different reasons.

Having alters wanting to get to know Cody was a good thing at first, but it doesn't take long for them to realise that he's not interested in meeting or getting to know them.

They're like why

Why do you waste your time calling this guy your boyfriend? You could be with someone who actually cares.

He's not a bad guy and I'm sure they could all learn to love him.. But it won't happen if he doesn't make the effort.

I'm unhappy in a relationship like this and I'm glad we aren't getting married cause that would be the biggest mistake

[life-begins]

Uncle alter?

It makes Alex G sad that he cant call himself uncle to little CJ. He wants her to know him.... but I guess thats too confusing

[life-begins]

I forget how important meditation is for my sanity. I dont do it enough

[life-begins]

Reading this book for the first time since I was 13 or 14.. I comprehend it a lot better now and love it even more than I did last time :)

[life-begins]

Switching

I decided that I would allow some alters to come out and help me when I need it, but I'm not sure how often it's happening... My memory has been getting worse, but I've only been conscious of a couple of switches. It seems kind of scary to not know.. I feel like I'm always here, but the memory blanks make it more obvious that maybe I'm not. I know I will be aware if anyone with bad intentions has been fronting though so I shouldn't worry too much. I've been watching Bates motel and I switched after the last one I saw... I think it reminded me that it's not nice to suppress alters that want to be out and I don't know if that triggered more switching or not. The one that came forward was Cassie, my 5 year old but I think it was because she was playing with CJ, my daughter. I was aware that she saw her as her little sister and briefly thought CJ's daddy was her daddy, but if she saw him she would know he isn't a daddy to her. She was present at way too many intimate times without him realising for her to see him that way. I'm not sure if she realises he's CJs daddy.

[life-begins]

Rephrasing

I always had trouble getting my partner to help out more. I would tell him I need him to make more effort but he found it difficult to get up and actually help. I felt like I was a single parent nagging for a little bit of relief every now and then. But yesterday I finally said the right thing to make him realise how I felt... I said, "you know how I get paid by centrelink to look after CJ? Well I will pay you some of that money to look after her more. I want you to look after her the same amount that I do because I would like the same amount of free time that you get! It's not like I'm a single parent and should ask you to look after her as a favour... You should spend the same amount of time with her that I do. Is that okay? How do you feel about that, are you annoyed?" I didn't say it all at once, but all those points helped. He replied by saying that it makes sense and that if I needed him I should have asked at the time because he just assumes I'm okay by myself. We tried it out today and so far I think it worked really well. We are taking her for two hours at a time each so we both have time with her, but also have enough spare time to read, Study, clean, tidy, do personal things, play games or even just take time to write a tumblr post. I already feel much better mentally and emotionally than I did yesterday :)

[life-begins]

Couldn't be bothered eating porridge this morning, so made oat biscuits instead :P Eating cookie dough now.

[life-begins]

I never would have thought that the person I stopped talking to two years ago would, once back in my life, be my only friend who actually makes time to spend time to learn and grow with me in ways I only longed for. We have both come a long way. <3

[life-begins]

Hedgewitch

So I've been going to a course involving different aspects of witchcraft, making candles, mojo bags and potion/perfumes. It's been great so far, but I have fallen asleep during meditation twice now and that's kind of annoying :P

[life-begins]

The Friend who came back

My old friend used to be around all the time, we used to hang out loads, but one day we had a disagreement; we started disapproving of each other’s choices in life and it drove us apart.

Two years later we have both made a lot of effort to change. We decided we were ready to talk to each other again and it couldnt have turned out better :)

I met her new boyfriend who has supported her through her self realisation and i honestly couldnt imagine anyone better for her. He is a great guy and I havent felt so automatically comfortable around anyone.

The instant I saw my friend again, I knew that we made the right decision to seek each other out and it was a great relief to us both. I felt from the first meeting that she definitely had the potential to be a true best friend to me again, and it was as though we had just taken a break.

She has visited and spent the night a few times and I have already seen her more often than I have seen most of my other friends.

Now we are on our spiritual, witchcraft journeys together and we plan to create and nurture a garden in my veggie patch out the back of my house. It seems everything is as it should be and I love having her in my life.  <3 xx

[life-begins]

My Birthday

People actually showed up to my birthday sleepover which went really well! I wanted everyone to open up and learn things about each other and I’d say that is exactly what happened. I really enjoyed myself! I feel I can be closer to some of my friends, most of them who had not slept over before. We did the ouija board and tried ‘light as a feather, stiff as a board’, unfortunately that one didnt work haha. We told stories, painted nails, played buzz and singstar... it was a great time :)

Best birthday celebration in years for sure <3