Life Is A Sample Sale

Ever wonder where, where your perfect man is? Why, oh why does your bus run two minutes early on days you run two minutes late? How is it possible to be the absolute last person in the world to discover jeggings? Well, so do we! We're C and P, Clara and Paige; once roommates, now trying to make it as adults in cities far from one another. We hope you laugh, cry, but most of all cry, as we share about dating, fashion and attempt at life lessons - all at our expense! Wish us luck, you're in for quite the ride.

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Dumb boy - the telephone

Dear dumb boy, If you say you're going to call me, call me. I'm not mad that you didn't call, I'm mad that you SAID you would call and didn't. There's a difference.

We've gone on a few dates, you're clearly an avid texter, which is a fine form of communication...but you didn't say "I'll text you later." You said you'd call. It's not a bfd if you text over calling. I prefer a phone call, but I'm fine texting. You said you'd call and then you didn't.

Just pick up the phone and no one gets hurt.

This one's for you: http-www-pickupthephone-us

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Is everyone deserving of your time? Should everyone get an interview?

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Switch hitter

Last weekend was Pride Fest in Minneapolis, currently the gayest city in the country (what now, San Fran?!). My friend Abbs (who lives down the street from me) and I took my dog for some people watching and beef corndogs (that is not a codeword for anything). While we were there, it was obvious most ladies walking together were special lady friends. We passed a booth where a man tried desperately to sell us a couples cruise. In true fashion, I played along and asked about couples massages, romantic dinners.. yada yada. I then had to break it to him that we were already going to Florida for vacation, but we would look into a cruise for our vacation next year. Abbs nearly died, she has yet to learn that I have little shame when it comes to embarrassing other people.   Flash forward to today... Abbs and I walked to work (as I said, she lives down the street.. we walk together almost ever day it's nice) and decided to get scones at the Farmer's Market for our bosses because we were running late and what better way to erase your tardiness than with scones?! As we were going our separate ways, we ran into her boss. Abbs told him she bought him a scone and introduced the two of us. THEN about an hour ago she texted me this:   "Uh, I had told my boss abt the ppl at pride trying to sell us a cruise. I just heard him on the phone tell his wife abt the scone and he said "yea she was with her lesbian friend. Nice girl, that lesbian."   Though a GLBTQ supporter and a believer you should love whoever you want, I happen to swing towards men. Now in the eyes of a law firm in Minneapolis, I'm that nice lesbian.

Awesome. I guess I can comfortably check all eligible men in that office off my list. Unless I can convince one of them that he switched me to the other team....

Stay tuned.  

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Does that really work?!

Over lunch, in the downtown skyway, a man said, "damn girl, you fill out like a colored woman. I want to get to know you."

So ... I've got that going for me.

Yes, I do have what some might call a little junk in the trunk, but does it warrant attention by randoms?! Come on, guy in peach Polo and slacks, does that actually work?

If a guy tries 100 times and it gets him ass once, I guess it's a success.

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My first bridal shower

I survived my first bridal shower last weekend in Chicago. I've known the girl since kindergarten. We used to have sleepovers every weekend. And I mean EVERY weekend. We would switch off houses. Our mothers were the best for driving us all the time.

Anyway, the fiance and her bought this gigantic home in our hometown. They purchased the home from the bank after its foreclosure. Apparently this is the way to go for future home-buyers.

The house was beautifully painted with help from all the family - spots of pink and purple sprouting from everywhere. I ran into some old "friends" from junior high and asked them the usual about life and what they were doing. Most of them are still hanging around Illinois bopping around in Chicago. I spent approximately two minutes talking to them and decided that was more than enough time (considering I never liked them to begin with).

The basis of a bridal shower is the shower the bride with gifts. I knew this going into it, but I mean for real? That's all that happens? No scandal? No nothing? WHAT IS THIS? I dressed up to watch my friend open gifts!? Ok, I know, I'm being dramatic. But seriously. Bridal showers are not that exciting, people. The coolest part was seeing my old friend and the cake! The cake was one of the Barbie doll cakes with red velvet deliciousness inside. UGH. That cake! I have been dreaming of you.

The worst part? Finding out her future hubby doesn't want kids. I have no idea what this girl is going to do considering I have never met a person who likes holding kids more. Every time you turn around she's holding somone's kid. Not to mention she's a teacher.

Good luck, girl. And next time, call some strippers or something.

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Tampons

Matt: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Sally: I don't know, what?

Matt: Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.

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He's hot in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

Anonymous coworker

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My life is one big third wheel.

My life.

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Playing for both teams

I have a friend who has a friend who's not sure what team he plays for. He's married and although I've never met his wife, I hear she's beautiful. He's a little crazy when he drinks, tends to smack his friends, but all in good fun, right?

You know what else is in good fun? Going to a gay bar and taking off your wedding ring.

Right. I thought it was totally normal, too. The man goes to gay bars, takes of his wedding ring and in return is free to flirt with gay men and bum free drinks. I would say this is fine and totally normal, but the problem is that he's not sure if he likes men or women.

I understand this happens in life, but I swear this could be considered cheating. He goes out and teases men! Call me drastic and old-fashioned, but this can't be right. If you're not sure what team you bat for, you should at least be honest with your wife. What is he thinking?

At the same time, this guy is trying to turn one of my innocent guy friends into a man whore. He's toke him out on Saturday in hopes of finding a "hot chick" for him to sleep with. My friend is the most passive person you will ever meet. There is no chance he would ever do this on his own. He doesn't even know how to disrespect a woman! Leave it to the confused man to corrupt him.

Turns out, my friend didn't find a random chick to sleep with and his friend who bats for both teams left him for the gay bar after his efforts failed. Serves him right.

[heyprettygirl-x]

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How To Avoid Talking To People You Don't Want To Talk To

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Love is a drug.

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Dear Dad part 2

Here is another letter, but from a college freshman.

Dear Daddy, I want to thank you for all you and Mom have taught me about love. I found someone I love who loves me back and guess what, I'm pregnant! I know, this wasn't the plan but Snake has a great job as the night custodian in my dorm and I'm helping him study for his GED.

We've talked about options and what the best plan is and we both agree that I should have the baby. The state will give us money and if we have a second child, we'll get more money! Don't worry about me, I'm going to be just fine. We're going to move into the spare custodian closet until Snake earns enough at the gambling tables to get an apartment. Because I went to school so far away, I don't know when we'll see each other again, so I wanted to tell you I love you.

Love, Rosie

PS,

Jk, Dad! I'm failing Anatomy ... but things could be worse!

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Premature Statement

Sex is messy. Sex is messy, embarrassing and can be fucking awesome if you're ok with the fact that it's messy and embarrassing. At one time or another we've all been a little naive, inexperienced and unsure of what we were doing. Some of us are still naive, inexperienced and scared shitless about what we are doing. Regardless, being comfortable with and talking about the state we're at sexually helps the whole act of doing it...  immensely. 

Recently I was making out with a guy. I've known him for a while, we flirt a lot, he comes across as very sure of himself, kind of an asshole and a few slightly tipsy nights in the past year have ended with a kiss, maybe some tongue, definitely what appeared to be chemistry. Now I - very single and ready to get over someone by getting under someone - wanted maybe a little more than making out. We were on the couch, he asked if I wanted to go to the bedroom, which I did in a bad way and jumped at the idea. 

In the bedroom the clothes began to come off and I was thinking, "alright, I guess it's about time we did this. Yippy, sex." I asked if he had condoms. He did. Check. We were still 1/2 clothed, shirt was coming off. Check. Then... he said he had to come. This was not part of the plan but there was nothing I could do as... He. Came. In. He. Pants. 

This had never happened to me before. I didn't know what to do, so I asked if there was anything I COULD do and he said he was going to take a shower and left me there, 1/2 naked while he cleaned up. Then he went to the kitchen, made himself a snack and sat on the couch to watch TV. I figured out he had no intention of finishing what had been started so I walked over to him and he told me he really hoped those shorts didn't get ruined because he really liked them and he'd be really upset at me if they were stained. 

Excuse me?! Upset at ME because HE jizzed in his pants? Not only that, but I was left completely unsatisfied as he enjoyed an after orgasm snack while watching TV. Needless to say, I showed myself the door and he has yet to make contact. 

I realize that the situation may have been embarrassing for him and that he probably acting as even more of an asshole than normal to hide how embarrassed he was, but have a little respect! Am I in the wrong for being aghast and very insulted? If a guy is premature I think he should damn well embrace it and be open with the girl he is lucky enough to see 1/2 naked. Sex is messy, but I guess in this case it can only go up from here...    ;) 

So Mr. Big Stuff.. this one's for you. 

The Lonely Island - Jizz In My Pants

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Dear Dad

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:- Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Rosie.

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Chromeo - Needy Girl

I just got a text from my Ex. He can't even leave me alone for a month. All I asked for was space, but he can't give it to me. Now my mind is completely distracted at work. My friend told me to listen to this video except picture myself singing and picture my ex boyfriend as the girl. It worked.

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Being Selective

Dating is hard. I mean, really hard. I've been out of the loop for a couple years now and I've noticed my standards have changed. I decided I don't want to waste time going out with someone just because. The emotional attachment is far too much effort. If I'm not interested in someone, I don't have to put any effort toward "trying to like him" or "giving him second chances." That guy was lucky I gave him a second chance at a kiss. He almost blew that mother fucker out the water with that one.

If you're a sleeze over text messages or think you're hot shit, don't even bother coming my way. You're not worth the finger movements and you're definitely not worth the breath. There are so many guys out there that turn me off almost immediately. I suppose this is a good thing because that way I don't have to fuss about whether he is or he isn't awesome.

One of my girlfriends is fooling around with the idea of online dating. Something I'm interested in but don't think I could 100% commit. I love going on dates, but it's so odd meeting someone over the internet. She's had so many odd stories from OK Cupid, and is currently checking out howaboutwe as a half serious experiment. I can't wait to hear about her experiences, she always attracts interesting people.

The hardest part after getting out of a long relationship is jumping back into the game and totally putting yourself out there. I can say I'm not making myself 100% available not because I'm not ready, but because I'm being super selective.

Beyonce said it right - Diva is a female version of a hustla. We got it going on. We're Beyonce and Sasha - Goddesses in our own damn right.