On Monday I snapped at my lover for talking to me from another room and paint not sitting correctly on my paint brush.
On Tuesday, I came into work as asked for a few days off speaking to clients on the phone, and was told, sure but we won't change your metrics for the month. It was physically impossible for me to speak without crying. I ended up having to spend about 4 hours at the emergency vet and worked till 9pm.
On Wednesday, I had to make up for lost time and forgot about an event my friend was reading at until after it had started. I walked around Costco and Home Depot just to be outside, at night, but indoors because of the pollen.
Today, I worked late again. To make up for lost time from Tuesday, seems I was still 30 minutes behind. When I was hired I was offered a salaried position, but when the company got acquired we moved into an "hourly, salaried" position. Which just means hourly but it's too gauche to mention my hourly rate aloud.
My boss, who I actually enjoy, is away this week. I can't help but wonder if I would have been granted more leniency from her. At the very least, she would have asked how I was doing. But as I've learned from Cassie, my friend who died from Cancer a few times over, people struggle to reach out when things get icky.
Its only been a few days and I feel like I'm already expected to be a little less sad. Its only been 4 days, it'll be 5 at 4:05am tomorrow. How long do I get before I'm just crying for attention, do I need to talk about her now before it's too awkward for me to bring up this weekend? Why doesn't bereavement work for the people who raised you, even if you don't share the same last name?
I don't know how to grieve the loss of a friendship that started in the year 2000. I'm really trying to not just swallow this and save it for later, but how much government sanctioned time do I get here? Am I just allowed outside of the hours of 9-6, and then 12-9... That's 6 hours to cry, and process, and eat, and chore, and maybe spend quality time with someone, to run the dog and play with the cats, to sew to draw to write to journal....
Is it even economically sound to cry when gas is $4 a gallon on the south, during the worst drought North Carolina has seen in a decade or two, possibly as long as I've been friends with Cassie. Did she do this? Is she punishing us for being told her cancer was in remission, only for it to return and spread from her ovaries elsewhere more aggressively than before.
The Cancer. It ate her alive, it would eventually swell her body with fluid, she'd be pumped full of drugs, and then she'd have a series of strokes. She spent the last 2 years of her life begging for financial assistance on the internet because her hospital bills were unending, as were her hospitalizations. She spend the last 2 years of her life, begging. How shitty is that? She worked a full time job, and ran out of PTO because chemotherapy will do that I guess? Like.... what the fuck? What is that?
Its Thursday, and it still hasn't really hit me that she's gone. No more randoms texts about "CHEESEcake, Mark.... CHEEESE" (cheesecake isn't vegan). She was the first lesbian I knew, the first dyke, she had a gold star. We met our first trans woman together- she owned a punk rock vintage shop where we grew up, she was fucking cool. We never laughed at her, it just never occurred that she wasn't just fucking cool.... Kimberly. Yeah.
It's Thursday and I miss her. Funny that we could spend months not talking and pick right back up, but she's occupied all of my thoughts this whole year straight. I ate hospital leftovers out of her fridge in Austin this February, I cried when I couldn't get her earrings in.... She was still ONLY wearing the ones I got in after she made it back to Long Beach, I wonder if she died with my pathetic attempt to adorn her clutching onto her ear lobes. Its so fucked that she had to comfort me, crying about her, while she was the one dying.
It's Thursday, and I have to hit my snooze button from 8-9am tomorrow morning. I need to shower, I think I've showered today... maybe. I have to get up, work, speak to clients, and pray that if I do cry they don't hear me sniffling on the other side of the line. My three days is up.
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