dependence:
the state of needing something or someone else for support, help, etc.
needing something beyond what you yourself can do is such a funny thing, isn't it? because when you can't do something, you have to put your trust, your confidence, your faith in something that is ultimately foreign to you. when i do things, i have a rough idea of how long something will take, what effort i have to put in, what my output will be. but man, when you trust in someone else, all of those things are up in the air.
this is why i'm self-sufficient. why should i trust someone to do something when there's always that risk that they won't? why leave the fate of something getting done up to someone else? why deal with my disappointment and someone else's when i could just deal with my own and spare my heart the stress?
i wish i could be reminded of my sinfulness. to know again that everything i have in this life is thanks to God and not earned by my own efforts. it's so easy to slip into a works-based worship and believe that you can earn your way to heaven. grace is so hard to understand because it's so counter-intuitive. i did something bad. i rebel. i purposely push people's buttons. why shouldn't i earn my way back into their good graces? instead, i'm met with a pure forgiveness that has no strings attached whatsoever. it's just so hard to believe and so hard to emulate.
