Lilac

Poems and things <3 literature student x

[lilacmarsh]

Standing in the garden, 

Dressed like a kid again,

And my house is old

And the grass is dead.

The trees have broke. 

and

The love has wilted 

But Instead of focusing on all of that,

Show me pictures that hang in your house, 

With the candescent insects, 

Wooden crosses, 

And incense, 

But I have nothing to pray with nor to now. 

Please show me to not be afraid of you now

[lilacmarsh]

I miss my home,

I miss my mothers music,

The smell of salt in the air

and the sound of forests when the rain would fall,

The times where I did nothing, most of all.

The nights when I could see the sky lit,

and now I wonder

whether this is truly it?

I've had it all,

and I guess now,

I guess I'm burnt out after all.

And now I am wasted,

And I beg you,

Don't leave, sometimes, I just need a wakeup call.

Because right now,

I'm facing the greatest

the greatest fall

of them all.

And my home is In flames,

the ground getting hot,

my garden is dead,

and the trees that once shaded me are gone.

[lilacmarsh]

“Please darling, make love to me, once more”

“You know I can’t do that”

“Why not?”

“Because I do not love you”

“Pretend then, please”

[lilacmarsh]

I do everything for you

I clean your dirty washing

I make plans to see you

I check up on you throughout the day

I change for you

I would bleed for you

Because I love you

But you

You,

You overload my washing machine

You are blind around me

You ignore my pleas and wants for hours

Your soul stays the same for me

Your knife is the one that cuts my chest

Because you love me,

Not for me

You love me for you

[lilacmarsh]

Sometimes

When I look in the mirror

I don’t recognize the girl staring back

The girl whose tongue is bleeding from biting her lips all her life

The girl whose arms are black and bruised

From enduring life’s harsh grip

The girl whose heart has been shattered

And reglued

Again and again

By the same careless hands

But within her eyes

I understand her

And I want to embrace her,

Wipe her tears

And stroke her hair

To love her,

But all I can do

Is smile back.

[lilacmarsh]

I can’t save my mother,

No daughter can.

But I can be held by her,

While she whispers sweet nothingness

Of dreams into my ears,

from times long forgotten,

Before she gave up her personhood

To bestow this cursed gift upon me

From birth,

Undeniably knowing,

That our cycle will ultimately come

Full circle.

[lilacmarsh]

I think men are terrifying.

They burst in hot,

Trail blazing,

Loud laughter,

The power of fire

Racing through their eyes.

They scorch my skin

With their gentle touch.

However, I hold them still.

Because what’s the worst that could happen,

To a girl who’s already burnt?

So I’ll embrace their flames,

I’ll allow them to ignite me with their love,

As they disintegrate me,

Wholly and fully

Until there lays nothing left

But a chard pile of dust,

Of all my former selves

That I am unable to fully rebuild my self with,

So I’ll continue life

As fragile as a sandcastle

Till winter comes

And I crave their warmth

once again.

[lilacmarsh]

Girls are created,

As women are broken.

We are made,

Constructed creatures,

Formed by the hands

That rip us apart

From the inside out.

We are stitched poorly together

By The ones who dictate,

That the path from girlhood,

To womanhood

Involves us having our humanity stripped

And thrown away,

So we can be placed in our

So called “divine right”

To become women of the earth,

Wives of men,

And mothers of sons.

We become everything

Except ourselves.

[lilacmarsh]

When I was 14

I cried for a man

Who drowned me in affections of his lust,

Softly whispering

“I love you”

“You’re the only one for me”

His lies were petals

Stuck sickeningly sweet between his teeth.

Until flowers turnt into vines,

And vines turnt into thorns,

That ripped me open

Wholly and completely.

My girlhood stolen away,

Vines dragging me into womanhood.

Too early to bleed

And too early to know

That love wasn’t supposed to

Castrate my heart,

And that kindness wasn’t some

Divine right bestowed to everyone.

I became a woman at 14,

And a child at 20.

[dvnnygonzalez]

[lilacmarsh]

Your love has made itself permanent

Within me.

It has inscribed our promises into my bones,

You have carved scriptures into my wrists,

Preaching choruses,

Of our passions and desires.

This love has created an epitaph

Burned beautifully into my skin,

Holding words,

that no one else will ever understand,

But what all will see.

[lilacmarsh]

I wear my mothers second hand anger

Like an itchy jumper,

That a careless man

Threw into the washing machine

Failing to check it’s temperature.

[lilacmarsh]

I wish I didn’t have to

Tear open my chest,

Break each

And every

Rib,

So you can see my beaten heart,

So you can see and believe in my pain,

Only for you

To stare,

In infatuation and fear,

As you weep into my open wound,

Blaming me for crying out in agony,

As your salty tears burn my bones,

While you steal my soul,

Forever.

[lilacmarsh]

Not a day goes by where I don’t say the words

“I’m sorry,”

I Seem to always apologize

For my mere existence

“I’m sorry” I reacted that way

“I’m sorry” I didn’t react enough

“I’m sorry” I’m like this

“I’m sorry” that I always say sorry.

I feel like,

My very being is an inconvenience

To everyone I love.

I need to minimize myself,

To let them know

I’m aware of how awful I am,

I know my body takes up space

On this endless plane of earth,

And “I’m sorry”

That I still desire for my shameful existence

To stand next to you,

Always.

I know I’m bad,

Please don’t leave me.

[weltenwellen]

Natalie Díaz, from “Grief Work”, Postcolonial Love Poem

[lilacmarsh]

I’m selfish I know.

But I yearn for your eyes

To focus only on me,

Never drifting away from our skyline.

Everytime I feel them wander,

Something vile forms in my throat,

In my chest,

Consuming me,

Like a vengeful phantom,

Puppeteering my actions.

It is a feeling so strong,

That I enter the sublime,

And down on my knees

I pray to you.

You’re my religion.

But,

I am like Lucifer,

Falling into the garden of evil,

Our crimes linked in nature.

[lilacmarsh]

I’ve looked for my fathers love,

in the darkest of places.

I’ve searched for his warmth

In the Eastern deserts

Falling through the sand,

As I struggle to keep myself afloat,

Within its dry sea.

But this search has only burnt me,

It’s heat has drained the water and blood

From my body

Leaving behind

Only,

a dried shell of my former self

For I believe this love,

That I have spent eternity searching for,

Is only a fable,

A story I tell myself

Like a child believing in Father Christmas,

This myth providing a small shimmer of hope,

In my dark world.

I don’t believe in Christmas anymore

And I don’t believe in my father.