Lil' Salmon Ginger Bubbles

Sweet bubbles of thought from a Lil' Smiling Star with a great love of salmon and ginger

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Healthy Salmon Head: Collagen

I can't even begin to describe my love of salmon head. Some find it disturbing, but did you know salmon head is a super food for your health? In my Healthy Salmon Head Series, you'll find out why!

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No. #2 Date with Mum: Bondi

After last week's absolute dream date with Mum, I was actually a little nervous to now the next one would turn out. Could the miracle be repeated? Or would I be sorely disappointed?

With my sister going away on camp for a week, it left me freedom and time to relax. It also gives me precious time with Mum! I had been looking forward to our next date since the last, and on Saturday night, vexed about where we would go the next day. I was adamant on going out (not wanting to miss such a fantastic opportunity with my sis out of the house), despite the depressingly cold and windy weather.

Sunday morning, I flicked through our Entertainment Book over my brekkie of raisin toast, madly trying to get ideas of where to go that day. With no luck, I resorted to ask Mum if she had any plans. We debated Blue Mountains, Wollongong, more museums amongst other destinations. In the end Bondi Beach won out! I was extremely happy to hear during our discussion that Mum wanted to do something that involved moving i.e. exercise!

So we set off at 11am, and trained to Chatswood, where we transferred onto the M40 bus to Bondi Junction, and then bus 381 to Bondi Public School (the last stop). The whole journey was quite lengthy, and we arrived at just a little before 1pm. We could have elected the faster option by taking the train, but both Mum and I preferred buses for the comfort factor and also for the better views. I still couldn't get over the fact my whole day's travel expenses was capped at $2.50! Not to mention Mum was absolutely free! Our first stop was the Bondi Markets held every Sunday at the Bondi Beach Public School. We wandered through the tents, soaking in all the artsy crafty bits and pieces on offer. It was more or less similar to last week's Kirribilli Markets, but on a much smaller scale. Needless to say, our main goal at the Markets was not to 'shop for bargains' as advertised (our definition of bargains was probably very different to most) but rather to take in the atmosphere and try out a new destination. We finished with the markets in no time at all, and with Mum's hunger pangs kicking in, out came the Entertainment Book for our lunch options. Sitting in McDonalds, we dog-eared and searched up our voucher options. Unfortunately, none of them appealed! They were only for 25% discounts to the final bill, but they were all pretty over-priced anyway.

We made the decision to just have lunch without the vouchers, and after walking around the area twice over, we settled (finally!) for lunch at Nikos Restaurant Bar. I must say that I really appreciated Mum's patience with me during our lunch search. She didn't get too frustrated with me at all!

Attracted by the $15.50 lunch specials, we seated ourselves inside with a window view.

Not wanting to have a carby lunch, I chose the Lamb Shanks. And instead of chips, I secretly asked for half salad instead. I would have wanted to replace all of the chips, but Mum wanted some, and I was scared to do anything to disappoint her and ruin our outing.

What huge portions! I balked at the size of it all. And all the chips! Of course I wanted Mum to have as little of the chips as possible, so I started finishing all those little nasties off. Ugh, all the oil and salt. The side salad was also way too salt! Perhaps it was the balsamic vinegar? Thankfully the lamb itself was nice, and with the tomato salsa sauce, it was actually really tasty. We were going to half-half again to try both dishes, but we ended up just swapping some meat since both Mum's and my dishes had the same salt salad already.

Mum ordered the Grilled Chicken Feta Salad - and all on her own accord! I couldn't express my delight at her choice enough. I was so certain she'd choose one of the really unhealthy, and high-carb options such as fish and chips, or a burger.

Similarly, the salad was too salty. But the chicken was even worse! At least the chicken wasn't greasy at all, but then again, there was heaps of oil in salad dressing.

All in all, I guess our lunch options were ok. Health-wise, they were good from a low-carb perspective. Well, Mum's was anyway (not my chips). But the sodium levels were through the roof! I woke this morning still feeling the salt in my mouth. Looking back, I think I should have ordered the mussels with the Mediterranean tomato sauce. Now THAT would have been really healthy on my scale. But I totally missed that on the menu! Oh well, next time I guess. The service at Nikos was really good though, and the girl who served us was super nice. Not the best value either, with the total coming in at $34.10. I was expecting $15.50 + $15.50 = $31! But apparently there was a $3.10 cover charge. What was that...GST? Actually by law, GST should have already been included in the set price. I think Nikos was targeting tourists who could be tricked into paying more. Unfortunately, Mum and I fell victim. We won't be visiting this restaurant again, but I must say we were still pretty satisfied with the meal. It was just too salty and overpriced.

Feeling stuffed, we took the Coastal Walk, heading from Bondi Beach to Tamarama and onwards to Bronte Beach. It took roughly an hour, reaching Bronte at around 4:15pm. We both enjoyed the walk, and again had a nice chat about stuff here and there. I was particular happy Mum was feeling quite full from lunch, despite really just having a tonne of salad leaves and some meat. She even shared a secret: her stomach had gotten smaller recently! She was saying it was due to some new hand motions and thigh whacking movements she was trying out, not to do with any decrease in diet. I can't wholeheartedly agree that her stomach is less bulgy, but the fact that she wanted to shrink it in the first place was enough for me. For now anyway. Here are some of the beautiful scenes!

We bussed back to Bondi Junction on the 389, and retraced our footsteps by taking the M40 back to Chatswood and then train to Gordon. It was 6:15pm by the time we got back, but Mum got straight into cooking a lovely dinner for us! And it was one of my favourite dishes too! Fish head stewed with bitter melon. Oh how I love salmon. And guess what? After dinner, Mum even took the healthy option and did gentle exercises for an hour afterwards instead of plopping herself straight on the couch. Thank you Mum. I love you so, so much. One thing she did mention though, was that she told me to go out with my own friends more. She was worried that I was spending too much time with her and had no friends. Please don't worry Mum, friends are important, but right now, I just want to treasure the time I have with you. Especially with all the the roller coaster ride our family has gone through, I just want to focus on strengthening family bonds right now. I really do believe God is acting in my life now. Everything is just so unbelievably perfect. ^^

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No. #1 Daughter Date with Mum: Kirribilli Markets & MCA

First date with Mum~! Where did our adventures take us? Kirribilli Markets & the Museum of Contemporary Art!

Sunday is a time of rest and relaxation. A break from the routine of the week. For us, that usually means family time!

As part of the Opal card roll out in Sydney, Sunday is the one special day where transport travel anywhere in NSW is an amazing $2.50 per person. Must be a promotion by the government to try and get people out and about more. This is an upgrade from the previous promo of 'Family Funday' - also feature unlimited travel all of Sunday for a mere $2.50 each. However this deal was condition such that a child must be part of the travel group. No longer being a child (T^T) for some years now, our family couldn't (legally anyway) make use of this deal as often as we liked.

For those who know anything me, I hate to see a good deal or bargain go to waste. I'm a maximiser, by being a minimalist. I guess I take this from Mum - and quite proudly too!

So there it was, Sunday morning, after I joined Mum in the kitchen for breakfast, she showed me her cut-out from the local newspaper for Kirribiilli Markets. The plan was made, and we set off!

Opal card at the ready, we 'beeped on' at our Station, and took the 45 minute train ride to Milsons Point. Tapping off again at the barriers, I was delighted to see the deduction of only $2.50. BARGAIN! On a normal weekday for the same journey, the train fare would arrive at $4.60. I'd already saved $2.10 just by getting there! And on that note, Mum saved even more! Her train ride was absolutely FREE. As she uses her Opal card for over 8 paid journeys during the course of the week, she is entitled to the 'Weekly Travel Rewards', meaning that her Friday, Saturday and Sunday travels are completely free of charge. Now that's even better than my $2.50 Sunday Travel Cap.

The Kirribilli Markets literally greets you at the doorstep of Milsons Point Station. Being the 2nd Sunday of the month, we enjoyed our hour wandering around the Art & Design Market, as well as the Fashion Market.

Being who we are, it was no surprise that we didn't end up purchasing anything. Nonetheless, bargain hunting is a hobby and interest Mum and I share, and quite frankly, all the 'window' shopping with no spending involved is just the way we like it.

We finished with the markets and headed up to the national icon to do the Sydney Harbour Bridge 'Cahill' walk. 30 minutes later, we had crossed the bridge and found ourselves at Wynyard after sharing a nice deep and meaningful conversation. The air was refreshing, but given the cold winter's day, our beanies, gloves and scarf had to make their grand appearance. Lucky we were prepared!

Mum was getting hungry, so lunch plans had to be made. Being the health nut I am, I absolutely refused Mum's suggestion of simply grabbing KFC. Instead, I pulled out our Entertainment Book (the product of another bargain hunt, more on that here) and announced we would make full use of it. So sneakily borrowing the table of Hungry Jacks at Wynyard.

Flicking through the options, we decided on MCA Cafe & Sculpture Terrace - offering one complementary main course when another main was purchased (essentially a buy-one-get-one-free). A Google search later also told us that there was a free guided tour at 3pm at the Museum of Contemporary Art (MCA) and that was what made Mum hit the hammer.

The Cafe was located on Level 4 of the museum, with beautiful views overlooking the harbour. But we had enough of the outdoors, and instead elected to stay within the warmer indoor domains.

The menu was nice - but expensive if not for our voucher.

The Salmon Lover I am, my choice was of course the Roasted Salmon with Classic Tartare & Rosemary Kipfler, $22. However I was sadly told that they had just sold their last one! Dejected, I quickly made a spur-of-the-moment change to the Ceviche of Mulloway, Red Quinoa & Tostada Salad, $18.

Not knowing what Mulloway was, I asked at the ordering counter - along with a bombardment of other questions dissecting each strange word of my order. Perhaps in his confusion, the waiter only charged us $18! This was $4 short of the $22 he was meant to charge us as it should have been my salad that was complementary, being the dish of lesser value. Poor waiter. But bonus for us! ^^

Turns out mulloway is a type of white fish, and 'ceviche' refers to an American dish of raw fish. It was my second time having quinoa, and again it was an enjoyable experience, especially with the vinegary tang it brought! The fish was fresh and the salad nice too, although perhaps a bit too oily for me. Overall the dish ranked quite highly on my healthiness meter (being low-carb and all) BAR the 'tostada' - which I found out to be  a Mexican deep-fried pancake. We were half-halfing our dishes so that we could try everything, and it was Mum's first time trying quinoa. She was fascinated with the taste, and I was glad to see she took a strong interest to it, praising it so much as to want to cook it at home later! Made me really happy she was taking such a health initiative. As a side note, she loved the crispy 'unhealthy' tostada, commenting that it was the absolute highlight of the dish. Ugh...no. For her health, I'd only left her 1 piece of the deep-fried crisp. Phew.

Mum's order was the Chermoula Chicken, Burnt Eggplant & Garlic Labne, $22.

I love chicken (after salmon of course!) and this dish was very tasty indeed. However, from my health-o-meter, the chicken was way too greasy for me. The globs of cheese weren't to my fancy either. The name made me expect more veggies in the form of eggplant, but I soon learnt that came in the form of the (again oily) sauce that the chicken rested on. Overall, it was still a delicious healthy-ish dish, albeit not my best health choice.

Lunch was definitely a bargain, coming in at $18 for the entire meal for 2 people. A $9 nice cafe lunch that left us stuffed and with spectacular views of the harbour in the heart of the CBD? That's gotta be a great deal! We were both full of praise for the amazing value we just got. In total, we saved $22 from using the coupon - nearly making up for the value of the entire book itself as we only paid $50 for it! I was extremely pleased that Mum was feeling well satisfied from our low-carb lunch. Perhaps I can finally get her to join me in my health journey. Fingers crossed!

As planned, we met in the foyer for the 3pm guided tour of MCA. The day was going perfectly! The guides Judy and Aloise (shout out with my deepest apologies for getting your name wrong!) were great guides, with the latter deserving particular praise for his genuine passion. Given the time limit, not all of the exhibits were introduced, but the ones that made the list were beautifully story-told. 

Here were some of the highlights:

The engraved mirror artwork (Aleks Danko: ‘It’s Such a Thin Line Between Clever and Stupid’)

The Japanese Commuter Train (Tabimo: MEKURUMEKU)

With the museum closing at 5pm, Mum and I then admired the views with evening walk around Circular Quay, before making our way up to Circular Quay station to get the train home. The train journey was extremely ideal, again filled with a meaningful hear-to-heart chat. I got to voice my message and difficulties, and Mum likewise expressed hers. We got to a mutual understanding - a HUGE step from the standoff we were having just days before.

This day had been so beneficial to the both of us, and it brought us closer together. To me, this was a gift. It was a glimpse of the light in the pitch black and never-ending tunnel I was trapped in. Perhaps after all those prayers, God had finally decided to appear in my life? Please don't let this be the end...I wish that this perfect day will only be the start of many more to come. ^^

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Day 2 Seoul, Korea - Brekkie @Seoul Tower Hostel

According to the rules of our accommodation at Seoul Tower Hostel, breakfast was served from 7:30am to 9am. However they weren't strict with these rules anyway.

Still, we headed down for brekkie at 8am, fearing we'd miss out!

It was a simple continental breakfast. Really, in the kitchen, there was only bread, instant coffee, milk, jam and butter. There was a toaster too.

We we all had 2 pieces of toast each. Not a fan of butter, i had a jam toast, but my Mum and Aunt both preferred buttered toast.

Their instant coffee (Korean style!) was actually quite nice, but not being coffee-drinker, I stuck to my plain milk.

And I'm glad I did...Korean milk was actually quite tasty!

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Day 1 Seoul, Korea - Supper @ Streets of MyeongDong

After dinner, we headed off for a touristy walk around the Myeongdong area. We figured if we were going to stay here for the next couple of days, we might as well familiarise ourselves with better restaurant choices.

So many little snack stores (haha...operated by ajummas) filled the side streets of Myeongdong!

We bought a packet of roasted chestnuts for ₩5 000.

It was a tiny packet for the price we paid, and we only had about 3-4 chestnuts each between the 3 of us.

Our conclusion: not worth it.

In saying that though, it was the experience that counts. What would a trip to Seoul be without trying the local snackage?

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Day 1 Seoul, Korea - Dinner @MyeongDong

Landing in Korea, I was way too excited to be thinking about dinner plans. But our experience was ruined by our lost luggage! Well, mine made the transit at KL from Sydney, but Mum's got left behind. Seems like the staff at Air Asia weren't detailed enough and didn't check-in our luggage properly.

But our stomachs growled in protest at being ignored, so after we dropped off our luggage at the Seoul Tower Hostel, we headed down to the famed MyeongDong tourist area just 2 minutes away in search of some healing food.

And where did we go? A Korean restaurant of course! I failed to remember the name of the restaurant...but it was pretty nondescript.

Here's what we ordered!

For the 3 of us, we ordered 3 dishes to share:

1 x Stone Bowl Bibimbap (₩10 000)

2 x Ginseng Chicken Soup (₩13 000 ea)

Total Bill: ₩36 000 (~$38 AUD)

Of course, being a Korean restaurant, it came with complementary side dishes - Kimchi being a staple. I love kimchi, and basically finished the whole dish alone!

The bibimbap was nice and big. Plenty of rice, but little vegetables and meat. This was where the kimchi and other side dishes came in to save the day!

The Ginseng Chicken Soup consisted of a whole small-sized chicken stuffed with rice and other Asian herbs, slow-cooked in a small pot of soup with ginseng. Mind you, the ginseng (being the most expensive element of the dish) was way too tiny, but the flavour was there.

Overall, it was a hearty dinner. Seoul was still pretty cold in March, and this warmed us up nicely. We did complain afterwards about it being rather expensive, but as tourists, you gotta be prepared to pay up a little.

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Enroute to Seoul, Korea - Lunch in the Air

I've always loved in-flight meals. Maybe not so much for the taste, but rather the experience. The service we get - we just sit there with a pull out tray in from and food gets placed there on a tray, all nicely portioned out. So here it is, our lunch up in the air hovering over the Pacific Ocean!

We flew with Air Asia from Sydney, and I must say, they're not bad for a budget airline. In-flight service was pretty top class, but we had a terrible experience with the luggage handling service (more on that later...).

Mum had the Chicken Rice.

Just a Haiwanese Style Rice with a side of chicken and optional sauce. Nice flavours, Mum enjoyed it quite a bit!

As a lover of Korean food, of course I chose the Kimchi Chicken Duruchigi Rice on the pre-book menu.

A LOT of rice...but I finished it just for Mum =)

The kimchi was really nice too! Could have been a little spicier though.

Still, we were pretty happy with our meals. Being a budget, low-cost airline, no desserts or drinks came with the meal, but that was fine by us! Mum's only complaint was that the portion sizes weren't filling enough...huh...for her probably >_<

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Enroute to Seoul, Korea - Brekkie in Transit @KL

Beginning our adventure to Korea, we had to wait for 5 hours in the Transit Lounge in KL. At 6am, our best choice out of the limited restaurants open for business was...

HOT & ROLL!

I had the Apple Cinnamon Sweet Crispy Wrap for RM 6.50 (~$2.20 AUD).

Nothing really special to write home about. It was simply applesauce with little chunks of apple on a crepe and then rolled up. Taste was a bit too sweet in my opinion - full of sugar and additives. Not the best choice I'd say!

Mum fared better with her Chicken & Cheese Savoury Crispy Wrap for RM 7.50 (~$2.50).

Filled with lots of sauce, and only a little bit - this probably wasn't the healthiest option. However it was flavourful - especially with the mayo and sweet chilli sauce. Still...not something I'd have again.

But fair enough, we were in an airport transit lounge. No chance of finding gourmet dishes here! The experience was fun. They made the crepe right before our eyes!

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Starting recovery

All it takes is that push, and you can be well and truly on the way to recovery, and more importantly - LIFE. FREEDOM.

Step 2: Hakuna Matata. Be worry free. Accept that not everything has to be perfect. Have leeways. YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL. Procrastinate a little if it helps. Your body doesn't have to be perfect. You can always diet and tone it up later.

The most important thing is to START EATING, no matter what your brain and body says. Once you start, your brain will start to recover. And once your brain is functioning again, it's easier to eat. It's a simple cycle. Once you eat continuously again, your body will recover....then your life will start to come back. FREEDOM~!!

Yes it is hard to take the first step. EVERY FIRST STEP WAS HARD! Mum forced me to do a whole week of 'firsts'. It was painful, but I'm so glad she did it and didn't give up on me even though I resisted like a stubborn ox.

The first time I ate an ice-cream block again. The first time I ate chocolate again. The first time I ate chips again. The first time I ate cake again. The first time I drank Milo and chocolate milk again. The first time I ate sugary cereal again. The first time I ate biscuits again. The first time I WAS ABLE TO EAT FREELY AGAIN......

This is true liberation. My mind has been released from its own prison.

Starting off was really hard, but once I got going, it got easier and easier. Now I'm open to most foods again. I'm over my 'fear' foods. Food is just food. No one knows or cares about what you ate. Sugar is NOT the enemy. It's ok to have some 'unhealthy' food every now and then. There is no unhealthy food anyway! Just everything in moderation. It doesn't matter WHAT the food is, it's just HOW MUCH you eat. No food is bad. It's all energy to the body. It's just fuel!!! Don't make it the centre of your life. There are so many more things to life than food. We eat to LIVE.

When ever it was hard to stay on track, I would say to myself: 'What have I got to lose anyway? Just give recovery a try. Who knows, I may actually like it. If I really don't like it, I can always go back. Just try it first.' Hopefully by the time I am recovered (or partially), my brain will be rational enough to not let myself go back.

Remember: the first step is always the hardest, but that's the way it's meant to be. It only gets better from there.

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There really is a God. And more importantly, God really listens. He does answer our prayers.

I know that now. Because everything I have prayed for so far is eventuating. Granted, there is a timelag of 1-2 days, but all my wishes have been answered and granted.

For this I am thankful. I will continue to pray with an honest and humble heart, hoping You will keep listening.

God, I love you.

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2014 is starting off beautifully~!!

So thankful for such a great start to the new year. It's only been about 3 weeks into 2014 and I'm feeling great.

My recovery from anorexia (REAL recovery this time) is well and truly on track. All thanks to Mum for getting me back. We worked through all my problems and just did some genuine mother-daughter bonding.

I realised how wrong my thoughts were, and started to realise I had gone too far. It was time to drop all the bad habits. Start afresh, in time for the new year. Where was the old me? The old, loveable me that everyone was proud of? It was once I started missing the old me that I wanted to recover. It was time to put down these new disgusting habits and lifestyle I had adopted, and to GET MY LIFE BACK! The old me had taken a holiday, and now I'm taking back the reins.

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My Epiphanies Today ~ A New Beginning (For real this time!)

After the major fallout last night over dinner, where I saw Mum break down completely, I'd lost all sense of thought.

So when Mum did get home, I shut my door and confined myself to my room - basically went to sleep. About 1 hour later, Mum came in and asked me to go for a walk. I declined at first, but after she insisted, I accepted. And I'm glad I did.

During the walk she made no mention of yesterday's disastrous events, and instead talked of the small appreciations along the way, like how wonderful it was to smell the flowers. How nice it was to take a walk at this time of day (5pm) etc. I could only manage a slow slow walk, struggling to keep up with Mum's already relaxed pace. 

During this time I realised how weak my body was. I couldn't even WALK for goodness sakes. And this was a path I used to run up and down trying to get Mum to run on. I couldn't even walk it, let alone run.

The walk was good, I felt energised afterwards. Slopes were a major struggle, but I felt stronger at the top. We even bumped into a family friend - B - and I was so embarrassed that she saw me in this state that I hid behind Mum most of the time. This served as a wake up call for me. She had a healthy glow, while I was wasting away.

After the walk, Mum started making dinner. She made a really healthy juice (just an apple, a wedge of orange  and oatbran). I know she's trying to lose weight, and I'm so thankful for it. She could have easily eaten some nuts or the half mango or something. But instead she chose low cal.

I was so grateful for everything, that I was determined not to mess up dinner at all. So I ate everything. The milky pumpkin soup, the whole bowl of rice, pork chops, finished the fried egg. Mum even started using the new stone coated pan she bought! What a day of new beginnings.

I really want to get better now. There's so much gunning for it. I've got renewed motivation. And the talk this morning with Dad was really good too. He talked of what I should be focusing more on now - not eating more (although of course I should) - but putting in stoppers that will prevent me from sliding backwards. We developed a plan, kind of. And he promised to help provide a supportive environment, especially during these 2 weeks while I try to reach my goal weight of 43kg. Right now I'm at 30kg, probably less - not that I've told them - they think I'm 38kg.

Anyway, here are the epiphanies and motivations I came up with today, and I want to write this down so that I never forget them.

Hurry up and get better... 1. To not be embarrassed or get looked down upon anymore 2. To fully utilise my youth. I'm already 21, there's only 3 years left of my youth, DO NOT WASTE IT~! I've already wasted a year.3. If I want any chance of growing a few extra cm taller to my goal height, I only have 6 months left. A need to EAT to GROW!! 4. Stop hurting the people who love me. Mum and Dad have been through more than their fair share of hurt. 5. To be more like my role models: Lee Da Hae, IU, Jae Hee unnie. They are all healthy and living life to the fullest. I want that too. I need to live how a 21 year old should be living. HAVING THE BEST TIME OF HER LIFE. 6. After all the kindness and grace I received from Mum today, it is time I give back. I need to be a better daughter. She's trying hard to lose weight, she's really trying. I need to do my part too. In dealing with my sister comparison complexities: - I will always be prettier than her. Mum said so. I was blessed enough to be born this way, and unfortunately Cyn wasn't so lucky. But right now, I've become the ugly one. A skeleton can never be pretty. A chubby person is prettier. - Rather than focusing on being slimmer than Cyn, it's better to become a better daughter. Strike now while the iron is hot. While Cyn is in Mum's bad books for being rude and unappreciative, I can get back on side with Mum but simply eating~! Even if I get fat, to be loved more by Mum is much more favourable.

Besides, weight changes all the time! I can gain to 43kg, and then diet again if I need to~ Who knows? Maybe I'll like it at 43kg, maybe I won't, but I need to try it first ^^

So in these 2 weeks, by the 15 December, I will seriously now do everything within my power to gain 10kg.

Impossible? Probably. Unhealthy? Most likely. A ticket to freedom? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS~ Give up and not even try? Not an option.

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Messed up, once again....for the last time?

I was caught at dinner getting rid of my rice in my cup. I shouldn't have done it, especially after I promised Mum I'd be doing well from now on. At a weight of 27kg, I really should be in hospital. Somehow I'm still functioning. But how do I fight these evil thoughts that prevent me from recovering? It seems like every time I get a chance, I want to take advantage of it. And if I don't, I'll be asking myself - 'WHY NOT?' I guess it's the miser in me speaking. The part of me that want's to horde. I want to horde all these 'saved' calories so that I can spend it later. Only I never spend it. I'm always saving, never spending. I keep waiting for that perfect opportunity to start, to set myself free and basically binge on anything, everything I want. But I can never find it. What made it worse yesterday, was that I broke Mum's heart. I spend I hour with her before dinner assuring her I was getting better, that my mindset was changing. I filled her with hope. Then I stuffed up again. I trampled on her trust. I messed up so badly. I'm such a liar. A deceitful person. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve this family. They were so willing to help, but all I did was hurt them. Right now, I'm resolved to fix this. I still standby the goal I made. Reach 43kg by 15 December 2013. Today's 27 November, so that gives me 19 days to gain 16kg. IS THIS EVEN HUMANELY POSSIBLE?

Maybe if I start binging. And I really mean binge. It's almost a kg a day. I don't think it's good for health no matter whose perspective you take. But I have to do this. I'm committed to it. I have to show Mum that I can do it. My pride won't let me fail. Even if I can't get to 43kg, even 40kg is good. Yeah - maybe I'll aim for 40 first. But that still leaves me needing to gain more than 10kg in less than 3 weeks.  To be optimistic, I guess this is golden ticket I've been waiting for~! The opportunity to start - NOW!!! My free ticket to eat whatever, whenever I want.

My greatest fear? That my stomach will pooch from all this weight gain. I'm so happy with the flatness of it now. I don't even need to consciously suck it in. 

What if all the fat accumulates in my stomach? I don't care about my weight, it could be 100kg for as much as I care, but my look still has to be slim. That's what's holding me back I guess. I admitted all this to Mum, and she assured me that the fat won't go to my stomach, but what does she know. All the research from the internet says it will, especially in the first stages of anorexia recovery. It'll take time, but fingers crossed, it'll redistribute. But HOW DO I KNOW FOR SURE???? It's too hard, I can't trust myself. But still, I'm going to start. TONIGHT. I'm going to a party - what a good chance to start! ^^ GOOD LUCK TO ME~

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Letting go

I guess this really started cos of the fall out we had yesterday (Saturday) at dinner. I made omurice~ and tho i thought it was nice and yummy, it wasn't that good - Mum told me later....haha

anyways, Cyn only at half....and therefore I didn't want to eat either. After an argument/fall out, Cyn went to her room and closed the door. I went later and begged her to finish her plate so that I could too. I even made promises like this would be the last time ever I'd ask her. I think I even mentioned this is like my dying wish. Looking back, I think I really blew it out of proportion and lost control of the situation.

Thankfully, she did finish her plate, and with that knowledge, I happily finished mine too. But I now fear that Cyn will really never eat properly again. I think I overheard her telling Dad she wants to lose weight, but she DOESN'T NEED TO and more importantly I DON'T WANT HER TO~! I have no idea how much she weights, but she definitely doesn't need to lose weight. I want her to get as big as possible. She needs it. But I think she's restricting herself now. At dinner tonight she hardly ate anything. And all throughout today she didn't snack at all. THIS IS NOT NORMAL~!!! I really wish she'd eat more....cos then I can too.

Anyway, this morning I shared all my deepest problems with Mum. It was like my life story. How this probably all seeded in high school when I started failing English, and the pressure it brought on me. Then I saw the unfairness because when Cyn got to HSC, Mum didn't apply the same pressure on her. So i guess it came down to sister rivalry, something I was aware of all along. Turns out Mum knew too. But i thought i got over that. I got into the thinking that Cyn could have the brains, she could be the smart one. But i'll be the prettier one. The one with a better social life. The one with the looks....she can have the books. Mum even said today, that I actually was the prettier one. Cyn was unlucky to have a big frame, and I was blessed with good looks and a slender frame. But obviously I loose out in any beauty comparison now. Cyn's healthy glow vs my sullen and sunken look.

So to help me get back on track, we made a deal! I listed out all the stuff I wanted for Mum to do. Stuff like: to stop eating doll noodles, to stop eating chips, cakes, chocolate, unhealthy snacks. To cut out condensed milk. To do more exercise. To watch less TV. To be more healthy and be HAPPY~!

For myself, we worked out a motivation/goal. cos i really need one that i can focus on so that i can get back to a healthier weight. I made it so that we can all go on a family trip. To China or Korea. Probs China cos I really want to savour Korea for myself. It'll be a bit awks trying to drag them with me cos they don't appreciate the culture like i do. And the deadline? December 15. Coincidentally, it's their wedding anniversry too~!! I really hope i can achieve this goal as their wedding present. Oh, but i forgot to mention the goal haha...

It's that i have to reach 43kg by that date. Then we can book the tickets to HK/China or wherever. I said 40kg at first, but then Mum said no way. It's too low. Granted that is lower than what i had when i left hospital. She wanted 45, but secretly, that's my goal weight~!! I needed some leeway. After compromising a bit, we agreed at 43. Right now i think i'm 29 or 30. Can i really gain 13kg in 5 weeks? I don't know....but i'll give it my best shot. it's actually quite exciting to be given a free ticket to eat whatever~! But i'm scared that Cyn's already restricting herself. I still want her to weigh heaps more than me, do less exercise than me, to eat more than me. HOW??? I hope she won't follow me down my twisted path. *Sigh* tomorrow, she better eat more, otherwise I might unknowingly start restricting again... But apart from that, today was soooooooooooo good. No arguments, full peace, got along well with Mum especially~! And no matter how hard i try to hate her, i can't cos i just love her too much. We even had salmon for dinner~! Although not my favourite head and bones in stewed tomato...we had the salmon steak instead with tomato. I prefer the bones...such a bargain too!

Oh well good night! Cyn better eat more tomorrow, other i really will go crazy. God, I pray you'll answer my one wish: to forever make Cyn weigh more, be fatter than me. PLEASE!!!!!

[lilgingerstar-blog]

Hospital: Day 6

Didn't get weighed today....I'm supposedly next due on Monday. BUT THAT MEANS I'LL HAVE TO STAY OVER THE WEEKEND!!!

I have AnCon next week. What am I meant to do???

Mum, Dad and Cyn visited yesterday. Mainly to meet the psychiatrist. He's not even a psychiatrist. Anyway, he was full of rubbish....But ultimately the medical team who's in charge of discharging me will listen to what he says.....

Last night i made a new friend! Sophie is just on the level above me, but she's been here for 3 years (in and out of course). She hopes to get out today.

I'm so over it too....

But yesterday we were talking sooooo much. We shared many stories and stuff....and i found out there's actually so much in common! The same thing with our mums, healthy dieting gone wrong, etc etc. We encouraged each other....and it really helps. Just the way we thought things through.

Guess what?? today's July 19th!!! Which means........IT'S OFFICIALLY BEEN 1 YEAR SINCE I GOT MY RED P PLATES!!!! I should be moving onto green today....but look at where I am =( How did everything turn out like this??

[lilgingerstar-blog]

Hospital: Day 5

Mum and Dad are coming today at 3pm to see the psychiatrist. Waste of time i reckon. I don't like the psychiatrist. Speaking so vaguely and gently....totally lacking direction.

I've been totally lazy with exercise these days. Just a little bit of stretching last night and this morning. My ankles and foot are still swollen though. Meaning that water is still OUT of my blood vessels, and not IN - i.e. my sodium and potassium are still out of wack?? Hopefully not. They said my bloods were normal.

Last night they also moved me onto a more concentrated, higher calorie feed. I guess it should be a good thing cos that means I can hopefully get out of here faster, but does that mean doctor's aren't satisfied I'm eating enough already?? idk....

I went crazy today with the menu for tomorrow. Haha....ticked more than 1 in each category. Figured that it's like a free buffet anyway, might as well try a bit of everything, even if i don't finish it. I've got the buffer anyway. 10kgs, no wait, 9kg's worth. Might as well enjoy it. Why stuff myself with tasteless high calorie liquid when i can actually eat variety and try something different to achieve the same goal??

[lilgingerstar-blog]

Hospital: Day 4

Gained 400g today~!

Official weigh in: 30.4kg.

Haha, still not good...but at least there's no more loss. But I stuffed myself so much just to gain 400g overnight. Is that scary? So in 3 days, 1.2kg?? And then a week, 2.8kg?? Hmmmm....i don't want to gain THAT much weight. Just want to get to 35kg for now.