Neon Genesis Evangelion (Part 2)- Sorry I Exist, My Fault
In Neon Genesis Evangelion, Shinji Ikari is a textbook example of what Robert Heasley calls an “informed inactive”, otherwise referred to as a straight male who resists hegemonic masculinity internally but struggles to embody that resistance outwardly. Throughout the series, Shinji is constantly navigating pressure to perform masculinity “correctly,” as relayed to him by those around him, and part 2 offers more of a closer look at his journey of trying, failing, and ultimately rejecting hegemonic expectations after realizing how different he was from those around him in part 1.
The main "aggravation" to Shinji's natural, bashful personality is Asuka, introduced in episode 8, as she immediately challenges Shinji’s fragile sense of self but embodying character traits that directly parallel his own. Asuka, though a girl, performs hegemonic masculinity by being aggressive, loud, confident, and relishing in violence. Her presence acts as a mirror for Shinji, showing him everything he's expected to be but can’t quite achieve. This rubs salt into the wound when Asuka taunts him for failing to meet these hegemonic expectations, showcasing the extent of his failure by exhibiting these traits even "better" than he can even though she is a woman. She even mocks his masculinity in multiple intervals by telling him how he should respond and what he should do given his role as a man, and repeatedly questions his manhood. Just as Shinji was beginning to gain confidence and navigate the events in his life through his own nature, Asuka's presence comes to unravel all of this progress by strongly reinforcing the ideals of masculinity he was struggling to overcome. Asuka is almost a hyperbolic expression of this concept of hegemonic masculinity, to the point where her brash personality overwhelms even by Toji and Kensuke, who already follow the masculinity norms.
After all of this exposure of feeling as though these masculine traits should and ought to be adopted, and contemplation over his usefulness if not exhibiting these traits, Shinji tries to embody hegemonic masculinity during a fight with an alien as a form of redemption. In episode 16, Shinji fights with the alien "Leliel" (had to look that up) and Asuka mocks his timid and careful approach. In response, Shinji commits to an uncharacteristic move of doing as she advises and tackling this alien head-on. Even in before doing so, Shinji says something to Misato he's "doing a man's job" or approaching this situation "like a man" with a thumbs up. But this performance majorly backfires when he’s absorbed into a void by the Angel. Here, all the violence he’s mustered becomes useless, but not only useless, punishing. He's now risked his life over this display of dominance and violence, which did not stem from his true desire, and faces the consequences of remaining in this void for over 12 hours, approaching his death. Instead of fighting further, he curls into a fetal position, utterly dependent on this delusionary figment of his maternal figure to "save" him, perhaps to provide gentle comfort to him in his last moments, surrendering himself to death. This failure of showing hegemonic masculinity once again sends him spiraling back into self-doubt and sets him further apart from traditional masculinity, after having bore emotional trauma from suffering it's consequences.
By episode 24, Shinji is experiencing an extreme emotional upheaval and perhaps is more lost on resolving his issues than he began when first identifying them. This is complexed further when Shinji meets Kaworu, this Fifth Children. Unlike both Rei and Asuka, Kaworu is an articulated, contemplative, gentle but confident male, which has been completely unlike all of the male characters Shinji has been exposed to thus far. Kaworu treats Shinji with warmth and emotional openness, different than the affections he experiences with his school mates who show they care for him in subtle ways. For instance, Toji and Kensuke show care for Shinji when dropping off schoolwork for him to Misato when he's missed class, and even show comradery in traditionally masculine activities, like when Shinji has punched Toji back for punching him. With Kaworu, he is unafraid and unaffected by displays of affection like reaching for Shinji's hand, and openly telling him that he likes him, which are not distinctly hegemonic traits. This clearly has an impact on Shinji as he is often blushing and nervous around Kaworu, and whether his feelings are romantic or not, Kaworu becomes a beacon of hope for Shinji. Kaworu represents that someone can be like Shinji who resists hegemonic norms and yet seems totally at peace with himself. This becomes all the more devastating when we find our Kaworu is an Angel, and Shinji must eliminate him. Anyone could understand how this is crushing, and the long pause before finally ending his life shows Shinji's reluctance in doing so, because in doing so, it would mean accepting someone who is like him is an abnormality. Kaworu being an Angel metaphorically reiterates to Shinji that his resistance to hegemonic traits is "wrong", moreover, it's something that humanity is actively trying to eliminate. Even further, it reinforces this idea that achieving that same level of peace and comfort with oneself being in this model of queer masculinity might not be achievable for a human like him.
Finally, in episode 26, Shinji’s inner turmoil culminates in a psychological breakthrough amongst a disorienting montage of ideas and feelings he had been struggling with throughout the series. After trying to understand how to grapple with this sense of deeply rooted self-hatred and self-rejection, he accepts that he may never fit into society’s mold of masculinity. Even so, he concludes that doesn’t mean he’s worthless, and the idea is that he can learn to like himself as he is. It explores this idea that all people have something they "lack", and this "lack" of something stems from the very nature of being human, to be fragile. And like Shinji, many others expressed weaknesses due to their humanity, and struggle to find a way to rid themselves of the shame associated with these inner voids. This acceptance of his own queer masculinity allows him to connect with others not through violence, but through authenticity. In that moment, Evangelion becomes a celebration of what it means to be human, and by extension, queer masculinity with the possibility of being loved not despite it, but because of it.
