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TL:DR LIFE'S (still) A BITCH

Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how my mom must feel right now. Today she broke down in tears in front of me (I KNOW it happens when I’m not around too), and like the last time it happened, I had no idea what to do (how fucking pathetic, right?). I couldn’t come up with anything to say. I wanted to say things would be alright soon enough, but I know she’s tired of hearing that as much as I am.

We have nowhere or no one to ask for help. So many people have already helped us in the past and we can’t just keep depending on them. Others that we thought would reach out are nowhere to be found, despite all the help they’ve received from us when they were digging themselves out of a hole. Then we have those who are claiming to “help” us, but at a price (literally).

Nowadays, I’ve become so disconnected with my emotions. I’m feel like I’m indifferent about everything, and if there’s any emotion involved, it’s just anger. It stems from all the bullshit my family has been going through and all the bullshit I see people spewing.

I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m talking a bunch of people down and making myself look like the perfect person. I sure as hell know I’m not, far from it, but bitching about all this is the only thing I feel like I can do. Don’t feel like this is directed towards you. This concerns people that will never even see this.

Why is there no way for me to make everything better for my mom? At this point, I would literally do ANYTHING to save her from her misery. As much as I hate nearly everything about my life right now, I can take this beating for as long as the fucking world wants to lay it down on me. Please, fucking try me. But I know the same doesn’t apply to my mom. I feel like everyday all the trials and tribulations are just chipping away at her mental and physical health, and all I can do is watch her life deteriorate. How fucked up is that?

🖕🖕🖕

My hot effing mess of a life

To say that the last three years have been tough is true understatement. I'll manage to find something to latch on to as a turning point, but every time something else comes up and shuts all that positivity down. I'm absolutely fed up with being patient, trusting the process, and whatever other cliche you can think of. Can my family's life just get better already? This uphill climb has been going on for five years now. How much longer does it need to last?