sandpiper

"I sleep among ravishing illusions and wake up to their burden"     i don't know what i'm doing it doesn't matter when you read this

[lingeringstill]

tw

i cut myself after over 2 years clean

i don't think this is good

[lingeringstill]

randomly remembering traumatic events that suddenly made me understand why I've been reliving a certain situation in dreams over and over again

[lingeringstill]

my dog passed away in 2018, and i just found myself loudly and hysterically crying over him

since I've moved out, every time I visit my mom, i still expect him to greet me on the other side of the door

does anyone ever get over their pet's death

[lingeringstill]

i kind of just wanna go to the beach for a day to scream into the ocean

not tell anyone. no luggage, no hotel, just sleep in whatever i manage to find at the beach and maybe be reborn

[lingeringstill]

01:14 am drunk

i wish you knew how much you mean to me, and that i think about you all fucking day and pray for the day i get to hug you again i know don't why i am just completely mad for you but i just want to be in tour arms agin and while i wait to di that everything around me is slowly killing me while i wait for that moment and i don't know how to tell you that I'm too much of a coward to actually do this even though it should not be a big fucking deal but the isolation makes all the doubts and the fears worse and i just wish to disappear like a coward because at the end of the day my greatest enemy is the fact that im a coward and because of this i have missed years of my life years whwre i had to grow up and experience the world and be mad and make mistakes but i was just too fucking scared and i feel like there's no return from that

[broadacre]

Venus de Milo | Musée du Louvre. Paris. February, 2014

[lingeringstill]

like how do you deal with a person who will literally acknowledge everyone in their world but you, and praise and treat absolutely everyone but you so fucking nice who has not even done 1/16th of what you have done for them

like... what the fuck did i even do. it is me, am i the one who's in the wrong here? because it's literally done only to me.

and everyone i mean EVERYONE in my friend's group likes her more than me even though she's this way and just... constantly talking abt herself and straight up rude tbh

[anonymousalchemist]

being 25 is like: im dying. im living my best life. im a failure. my life hasnt started. everything interesting has already happened to me. im achieving my dreams. im cutting my hair with kitchen scissors. im starting a skincare routine. im a corporate professional. im a sellout. im out of groceries. i have too many groceries. i am never going to be successful. i am going to win a hugo award before im 30. im crazy. im boring. i need to finish this essay. i need to finish this story. i need to start a newsletter. i need to start tweeting more. i need to stop tweeting. i need to ghost all my friends. i need to tell my friends i love them. i need to find a new apartment. i need to take out the trash. i am the trash that needs to be taken out. 

[lingeringstill]

where's the lie tho

[lingeringstill]

i went out today for the first time after actually eight fucking months....

eight. months. .... first time.

i feel a.mixture of fear, happiness and exhaustion. like everything is so uncanny, slightly familiar but strange at the same time, like the world isn't right, like this whole situation messed up how time feels, and our everyday lives which is has for sure but, you feel so helpless about it, like there is nothing to do but wait, and waste and fill in time somehow. do whatever fucking thing to get through each meaningless day until this is somehow over

no people, no plans, no growth, just contemplate the sunmoving in the skyeveryday, remember the shadoes in your garden at every single moment. and let your entire life be wasted

[lingeringstill]

hey so… can I ask for your imput on a situation?

I just saw an ig story and a friend whom I’ve known for ages is celebrating her birthday tonight…and she didn’t invite me. I was kinda sus because I haven’t heard anything from her all week, and was pretty sure she was going to do something, and maybe I was naive but I didn’t expect her to just not even tell me “hey im celebrating on Saturday if you wanna come”. She has never not invited me to her birthday, even though we’ve grown a bit apart over the years we still hanged out at each other’s birthdays. I get that we’re in quarantine etc but she’s having other people over so that doesn’t seem to be a problem to her. She has also met several times with our other mutual friend, (granted, they are much closer because I’m terrible at texting and keeping up with people, especially since in-person gatherings and prohibitions have made it more difficult to meet) and many others too. fuck, i even asked that mutual friend if she wanted to buy a shared present with me and then like, she’s posting ig stories pretending like nothing

I’ve also texted both of them several times over the course of the past few months to meet so they know i have every intention of seeing them.

Today I bought her a rather expensive present even tho I’m unemployed, but now I don’t even know what to do, like I was gonna ring her bell and drop it off but Hahaha.

I don’t know what the fuck to do.

[lingeringstill]

hey so... can I ask for your imput on a situation?

I just saw an ig story and a friend whom I've known for ages is celebrating her birthday tonight...and she didn't invite me. I was kinda sus because I haven't heard anything from her all week, and was pretty sure she was going to do something, and maybe I was naive but I didn't expect her to just not even tell me "hey im celebrating on Saturday if you wanna come". She has never not invited me to her birthday, even though we've grown a bit apart over the years we still hanged out at each other's birthdays. I get that we're in quarantine etc but she's having other people over so that doesn't seem to be a problem to her. She has also met several times with our other mutual friend, (granted, they are much closer because I'm terrible at texting and keeping up with people, especially since in-person gatherings and prohibitions have made it more difficult to meet) and many others too. fuck, i even asked that mutual friend if she wanted to buy a shared present with me and then like, she's posting ig stories pretending like nothing

I've also texted both of them several times over the course of the past few months to meet so they know i have every intention of seeing them.

Today I bought her a rather expensive present even tho I'm unemployed, but now I don't even know what to do, like I was gonna ring her bell and drop it off but Hahaha.

I don't know what the fuck to do.

[lingeringstill]

oh fuck i feel so left out permanently like there's nothing i can di to be included in my friend's plans because they don't care about me but also I don't do anything to approach them and i have my stupid fucking mother CONTROLLING me and stopping me from goig anywhere whilst all my friends are literally doing whatever the fuck they want and it is september already like six fucking months since i last saw anybodu or fucked anybody and i feel like i am a complete idiot because my number one priority should be to leave this disgusting place but im too much of a coward to actually do it bc the idea of being responsible for everything makes me terrified and I'd rather die before i actually do that bc i am useless and my friends know about this and they shame me for it and they most likely think im a coward and weird and stupid and i wish i could fucking die already so i dint have to deal with this shit

I don't know that i have the power to decide to do anything i want regardless of whether she likes it or not

[lingeringstill]

i lowkey hate how elated i feel when im drunk and i wish i could feel this unbothered and careless irl bc it is actually painful to exist and idj how longer i can manage to pretend like everything s fine and nothing is happening and keep up this facade to friends and my disgusting home when all i want is to jump off a building or just do whatever it takes to end my life

i am scared of becoming an adult bc that eans that i have to decide what future i eant for myself when everything i do is plagued with guilt and fear and judgement and anything u actually want to do is ultimately wrong and I'm not brave enough to pursue

and all these fuckigg people are just a reflection of all i can't do which is to just do stuff and don't fucking mind what others think bc they are doing ut with confidence and they are a mirror of all I'm afraid to do in terms of judgement even tho they are fucking trash and I don't wanna be friends with them they are honestly absolute gargabe and they have treated me like such but that's not the point, the point is that what they do affects me bc it wakes up a part of me that is afraid of doing stuff and they can do all of those things so carelessly and freely and receive praise out of it while I'm fucking dying in here whilst i try to make any decisions of my own with their disgusting presence lingering all the time.... 24 fucking 7.

i wish they like dme and found eme attractive like i wish they did but all indicates that they don't bc im aa fucking unsocialized dumbass who has embarrassed herself over And over and i honestly Just want to die bc it's all i deserve idk why im jept in trhis fucking earth when everything hurts and i have been in pain for six years or so, i can't even keep track, a mnd there's nothig i can contribute to the world so might as well let me disappear into this nothingness that is the night sky and its silence--i will never amount to anythjg or finish something i can be proud of so please please please please please just lst me end this already, i don't want to live-----i can't fucj theyl guy i want Nd they most likely are not thinking abt me, I've spent five months trappef in this fucking cage while my friends Just do whatever the fuck they want and im TRAPPED forever and ever an dependent 23 yo of her mother how fucking ridiculous a d it's all my fault it's all bc i haven't been able to seperante myself from her bc I'm too scared well fuck hou fucking fuck you fuckyou fuckyouuuuuuuj fucj alllll of your for treating me likefycking garbage for criticising me when youdont even know how gycking oainful it us like to live in fucking here _7'('+_-7$-4-$-FUCKKKK YOU FUCK YOU LET ME UFKCING DIE ALREADY

[lingeringstill]

i am ver sad and my friends make me feel dumb and unimportant and excluded to the pount where it seems like they are doing it on purpose to let me know that I'm a stupid fucking cunt and that they hate me and wish i would just go away because I'm a childish annoying unproductive baby and they can all see it

i just want to disappear because nobody would give a single fuck if i did anyways so why even fucking bother

it is alreadybclear that I'm useless and everyone is better thannme and i am just so pitiable that I'd rather be dead

I don't wanna be alive, nobody cares about whether iblive or die so let's get this fucking over with once and for all and somebody fucking kill me

-----

i cant believe how badly i feel even after submitting all of my finals, and particularly those with the cunt piece of shit teacher i was assigned how just truly made me miserable the entire semester, i hated every single second of her classes and she fucking loved seeing me struggle---yet I couldn't enjoy it because of all my intrusive obsessive thoughts telling me im just bworthless, i have no respectable future ahead of me and everyone is better than me

[lingeringstill]

i started crying in the shower out of nowhere reminiscing about all the years i spent on medication hoping it would take it all away, taking it religiously, every single dosis adjustment taken perfectly, and i feel so betrayed. for so many years everyone pretending like this was doing me any good. i feel so utterly dumb for being so naive and believing that any of this was the antidote to my happiness. after all these time i feel stuck at the same place, getting intoxicated in secret to handle the anxiety and the anger and the pain that i feel towards a situation i feel utterly helpless in and i am not strong enough to change. all i want is out of this shit, itruly wanna get out and i wanna feel like i have a relatiiship with others and the world, i want my ideas to be challenged and for once and for all i want her words to stop stabbing me to death

[lingeringstill]

im really tired of never being able to do anything and constatly being brought down by others who seem more put together, lucky, just overall better than me and i feel so utterly useless and insignificant and can’t understand where on earth do they get the strengh to go ahead and believe that what they do is actually worth something and do so with such confidence when objectively some of it is pretty much trash and yet they receive more praise and recognition and fuck even more fucking money for it just because they are more likeable for some fucking reason i mean????? you are just constantly talking about yourself and have no regard for others. 

even though i know these things i still freeze whenever i even think about the idea of taking up something i actually like because this person constantly appears in my mind automatically as a reflection of all the things i still lack and all the different ways in which i am not good enough and will never be, not only proving their point every single day i give up on all those things but also just making my existence miserable, like there is absolutely no room for me to exist and i just don’t really deserve to live because of that.

[lingeringstill]

I've just told my friends from my previous uni about a really messed up story about my life in which they were indirectly related to but had no active rol in the shit that went down

ive probably written about it in my blog a few years ago but it was about the time my therapist got rid of me because of a situation that happened with my mother when i basically was 19 yo and wanted to get together at a friend's house which was a bit far away from my home and my mother was strongly against it and the situation escalated because she didn't want me to go cause she didn't know them and just can't fucking stop treating me like a 15 yo and my mother grabbed me by my backpack inside the house and pulled me inside and i ended up giving in and locked myself in a room and my mother was trying to get inside the room through a window and later on i went to the backyard and hid behind a tree and called my therapist to help me while my mother was alsotrying tocontact her, an entire situation which eventually led to my therapist telling me she wasn't gonna see me anymore.

((sorry about the terrible writing i am rly tipsy))

and after like four years that was the first time i told them about it and i kinde feel good, kinda feel bad, kinda feel like my controlling mother was over my bedroom door eavesdropping on our conversation and that makes me slightly paranoid but in any case i just feel so fucking dumb about not realizing the power in my hands and just wasting it because i was a fucking coward and i am responsible for being in this situation at age 23