Q:Can I ask why you still wear it, or is that something better left alone?
R: I love you.
R: That’s why. It’s the only thing I have left of you.
Q: Oh.
R: If it makes you uncomfortable I can throw them away.
Q: DON'T
R: Ok
Q: Sorry. That wasn't supposed to be in all caps. And I'm sorry for the voice I took with you earlier too. It just slipped out because I still hate hearing you talk about yourself like that. But I know that's not my place anymore and I need to remember that. Because that won't be my place until I've made up for so much more than I think even you know.
R: I was saying what feels like the truth.
R: You wouldn’t have taken that tone with me in the first place had you believed it wasn’t warranted.
R: We can go back and forth all day on who hurt the other more.
R: I think we’re not meant to go there.
Q: I still do not have your consent to dom you and that is what I am apologizing for. Because we both know what that tone means and I am not your dom, you are not my sub, and as such I was out of line. For which, I am sorry.
R: I accept your apology.
R: Like I suggested, I can just throw them away.
R: It’s clear I’m holding onto them and I shouldn’t be.
Q: I don't want you to throw them away. You can if you feel you need to, but believe me, it is not what I want. But whether you know it or not, I was a bad dom to you. And until I can sit down and explain to you why I feel this, until I can apologize to you and make amends, I do not even remotely deserve to have you associate me with such. But that does not mean that, when all is said and done, I do not wish to be given a second chance.
R: I was bad to you in general. I’m trying to be better.
Q: I wasn't good for either of us and maybe you weren't either, but at least we're both working on it, apart.
Q: I hate to admit it, and if you ever tell them I said this I will purposefully buy a sheet of gold star stickers and burn it JUST to send the video of it to you, but your dads were right, to do what they did with us. To interfere.
R: That was not a very nice thing to say!
R: I’m going to plead the fifth.
Q: But you get my point, which is what counts.
Q: It's just something I personally feel, though pleading the 5th ONLY protects you from self-incrimination so... things to consider.
R: I’m not sure I could incriminate myself more than I already have. I’ve been doing nothing but owning up to my failures and mistakes.
R: They didn’t have to make you leave me.
Q: You and me both. You and me both.
Q: Yeah, they did. NOt because of you, but because of me.
R: I don’t know what to say to that.
R: I should be sleeping but I can’t stop thinking about you.
Q: I'll explain later, it makes more sense in context of everything I know now.
Q: I should also be sleeping, but not sleeping because I'm thinking about you is common.
R: Fine.
R: I know that feeling.
Q: Believe me, it's not the kind of conversation one can have over text. OR so says my sponsor...
Q: Would me not texting you help?
R: I’m not asking you to text me anything. I was simply complying.
R: I just found out for myself you’re actually alive. I don’t know what I want right now.
Q: I know, but I've learned telling people the reminders I need to keep for myself is helpful in actually getting them to stick. Accountability and all that. Still not that great with it.
Q: Okay. Well, I'll be here, if you still want to text.
R: I get it. I try and do the same.
R: There’s no such thing as great
Q: Yeah but saying "not that great" is better than "completely terrible" so... little things.
R: You’re right. Thanks.
R: Little things turn into big things to be proud of most of the time!
Q: Yeah, they do. Doesn't matter how big the step is, as long as you're making it in the right direction.
Q: Which is why "12 step program" is a misnomer
R: Seems misleading and stressful
Q: I mean, it's 12 sets of things you should do but it's more like floors of a building and each stairwell is located in a different place on each floor, cos each individual "step" tends to have a lot of little parts and then you have to navigate from the end of that "step" to the next one and it's not always the easiest thing to do.
Q: So, yeah, it can be stressful.
R: So it’s not really 12 steps?
Q: It's like those math questions with like parts a through f or whatever. It also isn't the best system as it's highly biased and religious but I like parts of it.
R: Sounds frustrating. To me anyways.
R: That’s all that matters though, that you like it.
Q: My sponsor is cool. He only abides by the idea of knowing you've got problems, doing what needs doing to help yourself heal, and making amends to those you hurt along the way, and then working to keep from backsliding and if you do, knowing how to move forward from that. It's less stressful and more open minded.
R: Sounds like exactly what you need.
Q: It is
R: How was the day?
Q: Lazy, mostly. Yours?
R: What does lazy mean to you?
R: Busy but in a good way
Q: Video games, some reading, music, a trip to the gym. And now Netflix with my cat.
Q: That's good.
R: I knew it wasn’t actually lazy.
Q: I don't know how to do proper lazy since getting clean. So, I improvise.
R: I like it.
Q: It's nice. I actually do Zumba, keeps me from overdoing it at the gym. It's fun, but I'm the only guy.
R: I do yoga for that reason.
R: It sounds fun though. I’m sure all the girls stare at you.
Q: The scars tend to scare them off.
R: Right.
Q: It's the kind of honesty that makes people uncomfortable.
R: I understand to some extent.
R: I’m sorry.
Q: Nothing to be sorry for.
R: Is the music fun?
Q: Usually, yeah. If we're talking about Zumba still.
R: We are. I am I mean!
Q: I mean, that's not to say I don't find the music I spend my free time playing not fun, but just wanted to be sure.
R: I’d hope what you do in your free time is fun!
R: I started taking singing lessons again.
Q: Sometimes it's more for catharsis than fun, but usually... I have a banjo now.
Q: Really?!
R: A banjo? What for?
R: Yes really.
Q: To play.
Q: I'm really glad to hear that.
R: That sounds fun!
Q: It is. I've even started singing again myself...
R: I’m so happy to hear that!!
Q: I sound nothing like I used to but... I'm not terrible, at least?
R: I hope to hear one day!
Q: I hope so too.
R: Really??
Q: Yeah, really.
R: That makes me really happy.
Q: Maybe next weekend we can do something?
R: I know of a place that does karaoke? That sort of something?
Q: As long as it doesn't get me near alcohol or drugs I'm down for anything. Just as long as you want to.
R: Hmm.
R: I’d like to see you. I would love to have you as my friend.
Q: We could meet in Central Park, talk a walk through the Shakespeare Garden? Something nice, public, and lacks any sort of pressure to come or leave together.
R: You always know the answer 🙂
R: Sounds perfect.
Q: I definitely don't, but I do have my moments.
Q: Saturday then?
R: Often with me
R: It’s a date!
Q: I look forward to it. I've missed you.
R: I’ve missed you too.
R: A lot
Q: If Saturday goes well, maybe we can figure out when will be best for me to apologize and explain myself. I don't want us to get too far into friendship and then blow it all apart because of that. If that makes sense.
R: Right.
R: I think that we should maybe talk first.
Q: And we can, if that's what you want. I just figured- we've only seen each other once in public since then and I worry about what happens if the second time we interact is in private, as the talk will need to be. Y'know?
R: What do you mean?
R: I’m not sure I can have fun with you before hashing out all the yucky stuff.
R: I dong think I’d like the fun being taken away.
Q: I don't know if I trust myself to be emotionally vulnerable with you in private and not do something I'll regret in the process, yet. I feel like I need more time to build up the right defenses for myself and I can only do that by being in public with you. I don't even know if that makes sense, but... I'm scared of slipping into old habits because of what we need to talk about.
Q: But if you don't want that I can figure something else out. Maybe you can plan to come by a couple nights this week just in case I can't do it all at once and then if you still want to be around me we already have plans for Saturday?
R: It doesn’t have to make sense to me.
R: I need to respect that. And I will. Saturday is fine.
R: Thank you for telling me.
Q: I... thank you.
Q: How about this. We do Saturday in the park and because Monday is labor day, we do something small together in public and then come back to my place (should we both feel ready) and have that talk?
R: That’s as long as Saturday goes well 😛
R: I can commit to that.
Q: Yes, but that was stated earlier so I wasn't going to repeat myself.
Q: Thank you, for even considering the idea of allowing me the opportunity to do this.
Warnings: Drug Abuse, Depression, Alcoholism, Self Harm, Eating Disorder
The day he'd walked out of the Berry residence he'd slipped. He'd slipped so far. He'd gotten crossfaded and woke up the next morning with blood everywhere, fresh scars forming. For almost two months he'd spiraled out completely. It was hard to hide how bad he was. He'd relapsed with just about everything and Hiram and Leroy weren't having any of it. So, they made him a deal. He either went in voluntarily, or they called 911 and reported him as a danger to himself. He'd taken the less traumatic route and went in patient. He was there for a month, between suicide watch, rehab, and just general in patient. He also spent a number of weeks in intensive outpatient for his eating disorder. All the while, Hiram and Leroy looked after him, promised him that they'd do whatever they could to keep him afloat.
Coming off treatment, Quinn stopped selling. He had to. Because he didn't trust himself to be around it. Besides, his new health insurance, courtesy of the main company Quinn worked for, and a small bit of help from the Berry men, he didn't need the extra money to cover his medical expenses. So, he'd gone back to work and actually managed to land a position that wasn't just as an assistant. When he was putting everything into work and being healthy and coping properly with life, which included new hobbies, he was the kind of person you wanted working for you.
So, almost eight months after he'd walked out of the Berry residence, he'd found himself in New York. He'd been paid to move from Lima to New York to work in a bigger branch of the company, at Hiram's recommendation. Part of Quinn wondered if he was the one recommended solely because of his work ethic or because Rachel was in New York too. Quinn tried his best not to think about it, about her, because all it did was make his chest ache. He missed his baby girl.
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon when Quinn wandered into the coffee shop, skateboard strapped to his back and looking nothing like the businessman he was during the week. Shorts and a tank top, a pair of headphones around his neck, and a snapback. The coffee shop was quiet, the kind of place he preferred but as he looked around, his heart stopped. There by the window was Rachel and he had to swallow hard to keep from approaching her. Instead, he made his way to the counter to place his order, ignoring the way his hand wrung around his wrist, where he still sometimes felt the weight of everything he'd let go of.
Leaving for New York had been nothing like she imagined it.
In fact she was not happy to be there or to leave Quinn. It got harder before things started leveling out. Intense inpatient that took a second try before she really took it seriously.
And now outpatient and a therapist, and sipping her toes into school again. It’s why she’d found herself at a random coffee shop she hadn’t been to before. Taking in the sun that shone through the window. Letting herself be present and in the moment.
She looks up from her notebook and has to do a double take. It couldn’t be...
“Q?” She’s quick to her feet, but slows herself down to really look at him.
He placed his coffee order and moved to the side to wait patiently, doing his best to not look over to wards the window. She looked like she was working and he didn't want to disturb her. So, when he heard her speak, he hesitated for a moment before looking over at her, a soft smile on his face. His arms and legs were covered in scars he knew she hadn't seen before, that were glaringly obvious against his pale skin. He was healthy these days and wasn't afraid to admit to his faults. The less hiding he did, the better his life was for him.
"Hey," he said with a slight wave, turning briefly back to the counter where his coffee had been placed, thanking the barista with a grin. He then made his way over to her, though keeping his distance, even still. "You look..." He paused, trying to find the right word, because she looked stunning as she always had, but she looked, "healthy." Because she did. At least healthier than he'd seen her in ages. Since they were teenagers.
Rachel half expects him to turn away, just as he had done when they said goodbye. He turns his back to her and she really looks at him. The scars are the first thing to catch her attention but then it was the skateboard. “Thank you. I guess that’s what eating can do for a person.” And she smiles to lessen the blow of her words. She’s not supposed to be making jokes. “What are you doing here?”
"I'm told it helps, yeah." He shouldn't indulge her joke, but he feels it all too well. It's the one part of his recovery he still struggles with daily, but her joke reminds him what progress looks like and it makes him smile. "Getting coffee." He sighs. "New in town, coworker suggested this place, figured it was a nice day, I was around, might as well give it a shot." And he feels awkward, because he can't help but feel the ache in his chest. The one that reminds him that he fucked up with her all those months ago. That she's one person he hasn't made amends with. The one that says he still might not get the chance.
“I meant...in New York. Why are you in New York?” And sure he mentioned a coworker but she wants to hear it from him. It has to be bad that she’s hoping that somehow he’s here for her. “Do you want to sit?” And she begins moving her things, revealing not one, but two bracelets on her wrist.
And he shouldn't feel his heart catch in his throat, but seeing his bracelet on her wrist, he does. He takes a deep breath to calm himself and removes the skateboard from his back, setting it on the floor before sinking awkwardly into the seat across from her.
"Work, mostly. Got promoted, your dad's idea, I guess. Said I'd do better in an environment with younger workers, with health services that wouldn't discriminate." He lists off the reasons like he didn't take it almost entirely because he knew she was in the city. He'd been happy working where he did, he knew he had support, but New York meant Rachel and some part of him knew that was his only reason for taking it. "I asked for you number, before I left, but... I was too chicken to use it." He admitted quietly, taking a sip of his drink.
“Congratulations.” Rachel lifts her mug. “Seems a toast is in order?” She’s surprised to hear he had gotten her number- mostly because it felt her dads were trying to keep them apart. She’d asked for updates, for a chance to speak to him and they’d always said no. They never told her he had hurt himself and she wants to be mad. “It’s okay. Maybe you can try again sometime. If you want.”
"Thanks." And he raises his own in toast. He doesn't know what she's been through, but he knows she doesn't know about him either. He's not supposed to know, of course, that the Berry men had been keeping them apart, but he did. He'd figured it out months ago, when he'd overheard Hiram on the phone, with Rachel. "I will, for sure. I have amends to make, apologies that need giving, but they aren't something I'm prepared for, nor are they something that should be done in public. And for that I need time." Even as he speaks he pulls his wallet from his back pocket and pulls out a business card, grabbing her pen from the table, he writes his number down. "Here, least I can do is give you mine, so if you think I'm taking too long to get my shit together, you can badger me about it." Because he wants to make amends, to apologize for everything he did wrong, but he's also terrified and without liquid courage, that was a lot harder to find the nerve to work through.
She wants to stop him from the long list of things he feels he needs to do, but she has no say in that. His healing is not hers. “Having yours seems fair enough. I’ll be sure to use it for the greater good only.” She teases. “You look healthy too.” She adds as an after thought.
He smiles at her as she speaks. "You can use it for whatever you want, within reason." And he means it. He's missed her too much and he has better boundary keeping skills now. "Except pictures of Duck, because those will have to come from your fathers." He adds on with a laugh. The Berry men had become very attached to his feline over his time in recovery and he felt wrong taking her with him, so he'd left her Lima and gotten a new cat almost immediately after coming to New York. "Thanks, six months clean and sober, plus that eating thing, has done wonders for me."
“Within reason, got it.” Rachel is taken back by that information. “You gave up Duck?” She managed a small smile. “I’m happy for you. You look much free-er.”
He laughs. "They got very attached. When I got help I left her with them and by the time I was capable of caring for her again, it was hard to take her back. So, I didn't. Then I found out I was getting the promotion so, I just waited til I got to New York and adopted a new cat. Worked out better for everyone in the end, I think." He smiles at her, rubbing the back of his neck a little. "I feel it. I'm also counting down the time until I can get bottom surgery. I have to wait until I've been in New York for six months before my boss will even consider signing off my medical leave, so it'll still be awhile but it's actually something I can look forward to. And I finally did that thing you asked me to, all that time ago. I stopped dealing." He takes a drink of his coffee with a sigh and then a smile. "Enough about me, though. What about you?"
“Sounds right.” Rachel says with a nod. She wasn’t there and he was away too. Of course they bonded with his cat. She was the best cat. It seems he has a lot going for him and she can’t stop the smile on her face. “I’m proud of you. I’m really really proud.” She takes a piece of the muffin on her plate- cut into six little pieces and now three were gone. “I’m just working on getting healthy. Still doing some out patient stuff and trying to catch up with school. It’s all pretty boring lately.”
He loves seeing her smile like that, it's infectious. It was the Rachel Berry he'd known in high school. He'd missed it. "Thank you, that means a lot, hearing you say that." Quinn watches her, smile gentle. She really was something else when she was healthy, wasn't she? "Still, that takes a lot and that's really awesome. I'm happy for you, proud even. And boring can be useful. I've come to like boring, at least sometimes."
“Of course. I’ll always be proud of you.” He has always been so brave and it clearly hadn’t changed. “I’ve never been good with bored. You know this. I’m just not allowed to take on too much. I’m trying to do the whole listening thing though.” Rachel can’t help but look at him. “It’s a work in progress.”
He feels himself blush at her words, ducking his head. "It's all about moderation, right? Just enough stuff to keep the boredom at bay, but not too much it stresses you out. Because too far in either direction is dangerous." And he knows he's mocking his therapist but he really can't help it. The sheer number of times he'd heard it was annoying at this point. "Aren't we all, though? A work in a progress, I mean."
“I’ve heard that before.” Rachel teases, knowing though that even if it was hard- it was smart advice. “I think that’s the point of living. To grow and be better. It’s just not so easy sometimes.”
"I've heard it too much, I think." And he laughs, shaking his head. "I like to think so, but yes, it is hard. And there are days I don't want to. But I'm sure you know that feeling too. And also have probably been reprimanded for dwelling on it, as I have." His words are quiet now, almost lost to the mug of coffee in his hands. Quinn still has more days than he enjoys admitting where living is hard. Even six months free of some of his worst symptoms, he feels them lurking. These were usually the days he escaped into the real world. Went to the park, the zoo, even just wandered the city. Something about being surrounded by people helped.
“It’s weird how well you understand.” But of course he does. Maybe they struggled different and maybe they have lived different lives but they understood the hardest parts of one another. “There’s something about being reprimanded by a professional that really gets you thinking’.” She laughs, wanting to so badly reach for his hand across the table, but she doesn’t.
"I have to remind myself to hold my tongue, to not boss back." He admits with a sheepish smile and a blush that he tries to hide with a sip of his coffee. Quinn was working on learning to control his own life, to accept the things he couldn't, and knowing when to let go of that control so it didn't get him hurt. It was a hard road but he did what he could to walk it well.
“Why am I not surprised?” And she raises an eyebrow, her own blush rising to her cheeks. “I need to leave soon. I’m so happy to see with my own eyes that you’re doing okay.”
"You always got the worst of my mouth." And the best. He scolded himself at the mental addition. Quinn had learned things in treatment about himself he hadn't realized before, things that explained why his relationship, both in high school and again after, was the way it had been. It was something he was still working on. "I should probably get going soon anyway, told a friend I'd meet him for dinner tonight and I can't go dressed like this." He smiles at her, bottom lip absentmindedly caught between his teeth. "I'm happy to see you, too." He didn't want to admit it, but everything her fathers had done for them, it had been necessary. "Maybe we can go out sometime? For a walk or something? Catch up a little more."
“I deserved it.” She watched intently at his lip biting, half listening. “Right, of course. I’m sorry for keeping you. I’m sure you just meant to get your drink and leave.” Rachel starts nervously packing up, knowing she still needed to finish her food. “Maybe.” She says with a nod. “If schedules allow.”
"Don't let your therapist catch you saying that, because I'm sure they'd agree with me that you didn't." And his voice takes a tone he hasn't heard himself use in a long time and he swallows, hard. "You aren't keeping me, Rachel. I was actually going to stay anyway, you just provided me with company." Though he thinks perhaps he shouldn't have, at the way she's changed but he can't help but watch her hands. The extra bracelet on her wrist. Can't help the way he feels that familiar weight on his own, the one that weighs heavy on his heart. All the things he'd done wrong, the promises he'd broken. "I hope they do, I really hope they do. I'm sorry, if I made you uncomfortable." And like that he's standing, finishing off the coffee in his hands and grabbing his skateboard from where he'd set it by the table.
Rachel just shakes her head. She can’t get into this right now, not with him. They’d never agree. Or maybe it’s just that she’s never learn. His tone of voice doesn’t help though and she’s not sure how to take that. “I’m not uncomfortable. I just can’t think straight right now. This is a lot. I wasn’t...I mean. I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again.” But she shakes her head again. “We’ll talk. Here’s not the place. Okay? I hope you have fun with your friend?”
He can hear the nerves in her voice, feel them radiate off her in a way that makes his chest ache knowing all too well he's to blame. "I told you not to forget I loved you." He whispers and he doesn't know if she can hear him but he prays that perhaps it's best that she didn't. "Okay. I will. Have a good rest of your day." And like that he deposits the cup and is leaving before he says anything else, before he does anymore damage.
Quinn hadn't talked to, or even seen, Rachel since she got into his stash. Since he'd had to call her dads in a panic, telling them she'd taken drugs. That he didn't know what she'd taken or why. Then he'd called 911. And then he'd flushed or straight up trashed everything he had. So much money, gone, but he had to be safe. He'd texted everyone who bought from him, warned them he'd be laying low for a bit, and he'd done just that.
It was probably a good month before Quinn actually found it in himself to go see Rachel. Hiram and Leroy had understood. He'd explained his history with mental illness even though he hadn't needed to. Had spent extra sessions in therapy. Had started buying less supply. Drank too much, got a little too high, used something stronger than weed when he stopped being able to sleep. He was spiraling and all because Rachel had gotten into the drugs he was going to sell. Hiram and Leroy had helped pull him out, a little bit. But there was one edge he was still too close to. Relapse with self harm. Not that he'd admit to it, of course.
Arriving at the Berry household he let himself inside, as he'd done a thousand times now, but instead of just going up to Rachel's room, he'd gone into the kitchen and grabbed a couple bottles of water from the fridge, giving Hiram, who was sat a dining room table, a smile before steeling himself and heading upstairs. He knew they'd taken the lock off Rachel's doors, but he still knocked before he let himself in, not entirely sure what to say.
Rachel was brought out of her thoughts when she hears the knock and is quick to look up. She knew his knock anywhere, though it had been a while since knocking had been involved with them.
Rachel tries to smile, but it ends up small as she sits next to a big suitcase, open and piling over with clothes. This is what she needs, maybe what they need, but Rachel feels scared. And she loves him but you don’t hurt people you love.
“I’m sorry that I stole from you. I wasn’t thinking straight and it just seemed the easy thing to do. I was selfish.”
Quinn had been told about what was happening. It'd been a long discussion but he understood. Or he tried to. Most days he wasn't sober enough for doing more than his job. Not that he told anyone that. He was coming off whatever high he'd been living on for the last few days, trying to at least be a decent person. He shrugged as she spoke, tossing one of the bottles of water onto the bed as he opened the other, taking a drink of it as he looked at her.
"You think that's what I fucking care about? You could have gotten me arrested if I hadn't found you when I did! If shit had been worse, or someone else had found you, found my stash before I could get rid of it? You'd have ruined my entire life, Rachel. I had enough stash ready to sell... I don't even want to think of how long I'd be convicted for." He huffed, not exactly expecting the outburst, but it was the only thing he'd not been able to move past. How he would have been fucked over so spectacularly if things had been worse.
“I just told you I wasn’t thinking.” She’s not sure she was aware of just how dangerous and big it was. “I can’t go back and change what I did. I don’t think there’s anything else I can say.”
"No shit! I could have told you that. Thing is, you're apologizing for the wrong shit." He pinched the bridge of his nose, willing the pain to ease his temper, digging just enough of his nails in to feel it. Breathing out, he looked up at the ceiling. "I didn't come here for that anyway. You dads told me what's happening. And they're right, whatever this was, whatever we wanted it to be, all it did was mask issues we weren't aiming to fix otherwise. I guess I came to say goodbye." He shrugged, taking the bracelet he'd stopped wearing the day Hiram and Leroy told him what was going to happen from his pocket and set it on the dresser. He could have easily just asked for her matching one, but he didn't want them back. Not if he couldn't have her and right now, he couldn't. Maybe he'd never see them again, maybe he'd never see her again, he didn't know.
“I don’t like that I put you in danger but I don’t feel sorry for what I did. I’m more sorry it didn’t work.” And she’s not supposed to still think that, but she does. Coming back home had just made it all so much worse it felt like.
She just watches him as he places the bracelet down and she grabs hold of her own on her wrist, holding her hand over it possessively. “Goodbye.” She whispers pathetically.
He wanted to say more but he didn't come here to fight and he would. He wanted to. He wanted so badly to be angry and rage and lash out. But instead, he took a deep breath and made his way over to the door. "I'll always love you, try not to forget that." And like that he'd left, rushing out of the room and down the stairs before he could cry, because he felt it. He felt the overwhelming urge to break down and cry but he couldn't do it here.
What: Quinn gets home after his first day back at work after the attack
Warnings: None
Notes: In complete
Rachel has the door to his apartment open before he’s even gotten out of his car, bouncing on her toes with excitement. She couldn’t wait to know how it went, make sure her fathers didn’t give him grief, and that he wasn’t too burnt out. “Daddy!” She says with a grin that doesn’t quite meet her eyes anymore. “You made it “
His first day back at work had been... Well it hadn't been terrible. He'd been required to take frequent breaks and had gotten yelled at more than once over trying to do too much. Or what had been deemed too much. He was still recovering, at least a little, from the attack. But overall, he was back to being himself.
Coming home to Rachel was honestly amazing and he couldn't help but laugh to himself, remembering what Hiram had joked with him about at lunch. "Hey baby girl," he pulled her into his arms, kissing her with a smile. "I did. How was your day?"
Rachel shakes her head, “Well, aside from missing you so much. It was fine. I did some homework and I kept duck company.”
"Yeah, is that so? Do anything else?" If Quinn was being honest he really didn't want to talk about his day, because well, it was boring but also stressful. Part of his work had been getting everything together to take legal action about his attack. Something Hiram had insisted on. All Quinn really wanted to do was focus on Rachel and caring for her and just escape for a little bit.
“Mmm, if I told you what I did, how do I know you won’t get all stern with me?” Her eyes flicker and she cups his face. “I just thought about you all day long. Like a good girl.”
"Well, if you were a proper good girl, then I won't. However," He looks at her curiously. "If you're avoiding telling me because you know you did something you weren't supposed to. Then I won't just be stern. But if you were upfront about it, then I would just be stern. And we could talk about why."
“I might be avoiding.” Rachel says with a shrug, leaning up to kiss his cheek before escaping off to his bed in a fit of giggles.
Quinn narrowed his eyes at Rachel, watching as she ran off to his bedroom. Giggling all the way, because of course. He followed after her, slowly. Setting his things down and removing his shoes, as well as unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt.
Standing in the door way, hands in his pockets, he looked at her. "And what are you avoiding telling me?" His voice was firm.
Rachel just watches him as she sits back against the pillows. Her eyes narrow at his tone. “It would be no fun if I just told you, now would it daddy?”
"If you've been bad it won't be fun anyway. If anything, you're just making it worse." He walks forward to the bed, standing at the foot of it as he looks at her.
“It’s only a little bad.” Rachel quickly rushes to get beneath the blankets before reaching under her shirt and pulling the clips from her nipples. “I just didn’t ask permission.”
Quinn watches Rachel move, eyebrow raised. He climbs onto the bed, making sure he's right above Rachel, forearms on either side of her own arms as he lowers himself on top of her. "Is that so? And what is it you didn't ask permission for, hmm?"
“To use these.” Rachel opens her palm to show him. “A good girl always asks permission before playing.”
Quinn clicked his tongue in disapproval, shaking his head. He was still working on certain things, mostly regarding the right way to punish such actions. Because he didn't fully believe in taking that control but he knew Rachel liked it and he liked knowing that he made her happy. "And why didn't you ask permission, hmm?"
“Because you were taking too long to come home and I just couldn’t wait anymore.” She huffs
Quinn eyed Rachel. "Don't make me start having to lock stuff up while I'm at work. Because I will."
“Are you sure that would be the best idea, daddy?” And she reaches for his hand. “Come snuggle. I missed you!”
"If it keeps you from doing things without permission and without me here to make sure you're safe, yes, it is." His voice is stern. As much as he doubts Rachel would be in any real danger, he wouldn't be happy if something happened and she got hurt because of deciding to play without him there. "Are you going to be good?"
“I’m safe.” She knows that isn’t entirely true. She also knows that anytime she’s around him she’s the safest she will ever be. “Do you want me to be good right now? Or can I just be a little bad?”
"But I don't know that. When you're alone things could happen and you could get hurt. I refuse to let that happen." He doesn't have the energy to fight her on this. Not right now. "Please just be good. I'm tired." He moves and flops down next to her, staring at the ceiling.
Rachel sighs, but reaches down for his hand. “Do you want to nap? I can make some tea to help you relax.” She never wants to make his life harder, and sometimes it’s so easy to get stuck in that mindset. That he is in fact better without her.
He squeezes her hand. "I just want you to be good so I don't have to think for a while. Can you do that for me, please?" He moves closer to Rachel, leaning in so his mouth is against her neck, nipping at it.
She sighs for just a moment but settles against him. “I’ll be good, just for you.” She hums at the almost bites to her neck.
"Yeah? You're gonna be my good girl?" He asks as he bites down on her neck. His free hand moves up under Rachel's shirt, brushing a thumb over one of her nipples before giving it a squeeze. "How long did you leave the clips on, hmm?"
Rachel shivers as she feels his teeth, his hands, and she squeaks out when he tweaks at one of her nipples. “Yes daddy. I’ll be your good girl.” She nods, going on to tell him she’d kept them on, just for 30 minutes. Enough to tease.
Who: Quinton Fabray & Rachel Berry ft. Judy Fabray, LeRoy Berry, and Hiram Berry
When: 7/26 ; Afternoon
Where: The Hospital
What: Rachel comes to visit Quinn in the hospital
Warnings: Depression, Eating Disorder
Rachel knew deep down that his general attitude had nothing to do with her or anything she had done. But she still feels like maybe she’s not trying hard enough, visiting him long enough, or letting him have peace.
Doing the only thing she knew how in a situation that needed an apology- she got creative.
Rachel enters the hospital with pizza in one hand and her envelopes card in the other. The nurse is happy to open the door for her and Rachel just watches him through the doorway. “May I come in, daddy?”
Quinn is grumpy as hell. He doesn't like not being active. He doesn't like being stuck in the hospital. He can't even curl up the way he wants to because of broken bones. It sucks. And he knows he's taking it out on Rachel, he knows he shouldn't but he is. There's no one else to be short with.
When Rachel comes by with pizza he's curled up as best he can be, as much as the nurses will let him. He's listening to music and trying to block out the world. The volume is kept just low enough that he can hear when someone enters his room but he doesn't turn over to face the door when it does. "Sure."
Rachel bites down on her lip, but walks further into the room. She sets the pizza down and holds the card in both her hands. “I can leave. I just wanted to bring you a card. I made it myself.”
Quinn turned his attention to Rachel, pulling his headphones out of his ears. "No, baby, you don't have to leave. I'm just not myself." He sat up a bit, looking at the card in her hands. "You made me a card?"
“I just don’t mind going if that would make you feel better.” Rachel walls closer to the bed and nods her head. “Yeah. I wanted wanted to try and cheer you up. Here.” She hands it to him. On the front is a bandaid with a face colored on it that says you’re going to feel better soon and on the inside there was a drawn cookie and it said “I know because you’re a tough cookie and I know cookies.” And on the other side was a note. “Daddy, I love you more than Cats, Barbra, and tea.” And other ways of saying I love you. She really needed him to know.
"If anything, you leaving would just make me feel worse, baby." He took the card and opened it. It was cute and sweet and he couldn't help but smile. "More that Barbra, huh?" He teased gently. "C'mere." Quinn moved so there was room in the bed and pulled back the covers.
“I love you the most.” Rachel whispers, happily moving to get on the bed with him. “I’m not doing enough to help you, daddy. I just want to make you happy.”
He smiles,, curling up to her when she joins him in bed. "You're doing what you can, baby. There's not a lot you can do. I just don't like it here. I don't like being alone. I miss my cat. I miss you. I miss having a life, going to the skatepark, going to work."
Rachel is careful with how close she gets to him, not wanting to hurt him. “Maybe I can bring Duck to visit.” She sighs, not liking that she can’t really take control and help him. “I’m sorry you’re hurting daddy. I miss you too.”
Quinn curls further into Rachel, burying his face in the crook of her neck. He's tired and annoyed and grumpy but she is soft and his and so very sweet. He chuckles a bit, placing a kiss to her shoulder. "No, I don't think they'd approve of you bringing Duck." He sighs. "I hate his, baby. I just want to go home. I know this is where I need to be but I don't want t be here."
Rachel shivers just a little at the kiss to her shoulder, sighing. “But I could try. I’d do anything to make you happy.” Rachel turns so that she can kiss him gently. “Just think how great it will feel when you get home. We’re going to throw a giant party!”
He smiles. "No, it's okay. It'd probably just stress her out. I don't want that." He kisses her back, gently and then sighs. "Oh God, your dads would too..."
“ No stressed out duck.” She murmurs against his lips. “They will because they like you and I think my dad misses you.” Her nose scrunches. “I miss you.”
"Yeah, stressed out kitty is no good." He chuckles a bit. "You think he does?" Some part of him isn't entirely surprised, but he is. Maybe he's just not used to having people care if he's around or not. "I know you do, baby."
“You’re the most lovable person I know, of course he misses you. He’s almost obsessed.” Rachel giggles. “I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I want to be with you whenever I want.” She pouts
"Think I just attracted mildly chaotic people." He chuckled. It wasn't a bad thing, of course, but it was odd. He particularly attracted mildly chaotic queer people. Santana. Saul. Rachel. Hiram. They all had two very specific energies in common. They were some sort of queer and more than a little eccentric. "I know."
“Is that a back handed compliment?” She whispers, eyes widening just slightly. “It’s true and do you know how often I want you?”
"What's wrong with being a little chaotic?" He chuckles, kissing her. "As often as I want you?"
“I don’t want to be crazy. Aren’t I suppose to be working on that?” She sits up a little. “I’m sure it is comparable, daddy.”
"Being chaotic and being crazy are not inherently the same. You're so not crazy." He just let himself slip down her body as she sat up. "Yeah?"
“Yes I am.” She smiles sadly. “I’d like to think I want you more but I know you want me quite a lot.” She cups his cheek. “Are you hungry?”
"Don't make me quote Matchbox Twenty at you." He smiles at her. "You're right, I do." Quinn leans into the hand on his cheek. "A little, not really." It was stupid but he'd been holding himself to the same rules Hiram and Leroy had been holding Rachel. Except now she was there and he could cheat. He could avoid it.
“Okay.” She nods her head. She is hungry but eating alone wasn’t something she was great at yet. “Me neither.”
He curls a little further into Rachel. "I don't like it in here baby." He knows he's repeating himself but just being in the hospital is causing him to slip. And he hates it. He hates slipping up. Especially something he fought so hard to keep control of.
“I don’t know how to help you.” She whispers, squeezing his hand. “I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”
"It's okay baby. I know. I just feel out of control here. Everything is on a schedule I can't control."
“How can I make you feel like you have more control, daddy?”
"I don't know if you can, baby." Everything he wanted to do he couldn't. Whether because of his physical condition or where they were. Nothing was in his control, except how much he ate and he knew that wasn't good.
She just nods her head. She didn’t like how this felt and she hates how this is clearly taking a toll on him. “I’m sorry.”
He kisses her shoulder again, nuzzling a bit at her neck. He's trying to distract himself. Focusing on her was the easiest way to do that. If he could keep out of his own head, even for a while he could convince himself he was okay.
Rachel just holds him, enjoying his affection, really needing it even. She starts to hum- mostly just to stop the quiet that surrounded them.
"Will you sing to me?" His voice is quiet and even a little worried. He wants to hear her, but he understands if she doesn't want to.
“Okay.” If it will help then she’ll do it. Though she wavers, she does it anyways, singing ‘Keep Holding on’ for both of them. She hadn’t sung since her audition and that keeps a knot in her stomach.
He nuzzles into her as she sings, humming along. He hasn't sung in front of someone in years but he wanted to with her, so bad. He'd always loved her voice and hearing it so close to him, being able to feel it vibrating through her, he wanted to join in, but he didn't. He was too scared to. But he listened and he held her close, whispering his praises across the skin of her neck as she finished.
Rachel takes a deep breath as she finishes and she can’t help but look at him with wide doe eyes. “Did that help daddy? Was I good?”
He uses his good hand to cup her cheek, smiling at her before it slipped behind her neck, pulling her into a deep kiss. "You are amazing, baby."
Rachel can’t help but whimper into the kiss as they pull away. “No daddy, you are.”
Quinn kisses her nose. "Hush, I'm not as amazing as you right now and you can't convince me otherwise." He doesn't leave room for argument, once again kissing Rachel deeply.
Rachel doesn’t object. Instead she tries to get her hands on him enough without hurting him. She’s just letting out the slightest whimpers.
Quinn smiles into the kiss. He loves hearing her whimper and he tugs at her hair a bit. He knows they're liable to be interrupted soon, for about number of medically necessary reason, but he needed this right now. As long as they didn't go too far they'd be fine.
She pulls away, breathing heavy and just staring at him. “We shouldn’t.” But it doesn’t stop her from grabbing the hand in her hair to just below her neck.
Quinn raises his eyebrow with a smirk. "We shouldn't what? Hmm?"
“I can’t stop. I have no control. You know this.” But she’s just inching his hand closer to her neck.
He knows where it's going. Knows they're toeing a line they shouldn't cross, that they can't cross. The fingers of his bad hand tangle in the edge if her shirt, just wanting to do something, not feel so useless.
“Please.” She whispers. Her hands move and she gently runs her fingers over his arms
"I wish I could." He mutters, pulling his hand away from her throat, instead balling it in her shirt. "I want you so bad but I can't have you here." He huffs, pulling away and flopping into his back. Just in time for a nurse to come in. He held out his good arm with a sigh, all too used to the routine, spouting off his name and birthday without being asked.
Rachel is up and off the bed the minute the nurse is walking through the door. Her eyes are on their exchange but Rachel is getting a plate of pizza for herself- fingers picking at the veggies that topped it and plopping them into her mouth. “When can he come home?”
The nurse has eyed Rachel curiously but went about doing what she needed to. "That'll be up to the doctor. Who he should see tomorrow." The nurse replied, looking between the pizza and Quinn. "Do it or I chart the other." Her tone was serious and Quinn huffed as she left. Great, he was caught.
“What is she talking about?” Rachel is still chewing away at vegetables, doing all she can to keep swallowing. “Chart the other one, what?”
Quinn sighs. He wants to lie, say he doesn't know. But he knows it's not believable. Still, he waits a long moment before speaking. "Haven't been eating like I'm supposed to." His voice is low and he instinctively curls in on himself, turning away from Rachel in the process.
“That is not acceptable.” She squeaks out, setting her own food down as she felt nervous all of a sudden. “You not eating means Bones aren’t healing. You’re not healing. You can’t do this. Stop it.”
"I just want something I have fucking control over!" His voice is far more broken than usual. "I don't even get to do my own T shots. I'm fucking useless in here and I hate it! That was the one thing I could control. As long as I ate something I figured I'd be fine. I-"
“You’re not useless. Doing this means they win and they absolutely do not get to have that pleasure. You’re stronger than that. You need to eat, daddy.”
"I don't want to." It's feeble and he knows he needs to. But he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to do anything.
“Neither do I.” Rachel throws back, really feeling it now. The heaviness from eating, the emotions running through her. “You can’t do this.”
He huffs, still turned away from Rachel. Some part of him knows she's right, that he's making a hypocrite of himself. It's just the one thing he knows.
“I should go then. We don’t get to see each other when we don’t eat.” She angrily takes the pizza box and struggles shoving into the trash.
Quinn sighs. "Stop."
“No.” Rachel finally gets it folded down enough so that it fits and she grins. “Don’t tell me to stop. Ever again!”
Quinn crosses his arms across his chest the best he can. "Are you saying you're not my baby girl anymore?"
“I’m saying that I’m leaving and you need to eat.”
"Whatever." His mood has crashed again and he doesn't even care. He curled further into himself, putting his headphones back in.
Rachel can’t leave, so she sits on the floor beside the door. She’s not just watching him but most of her attention stays on the bed. She can’t explain the anger but he needed to eat and it upsets her that he just isn’t.
Quinn just lays there, curled up into himself, listening to music. The way he spent most of his time. There was so little he could do, even with antidepressants, he was deep in his depression. Music was the only thing that even tried to make him feel better. But even now he found it just making him feel slightly worse. Maybe it was because he felt he deserved to feel like that. And soon enough he was crying silently to himself.
Rachel feels helpless, just watching him upset, but she can’t fix it. And she can’t dismiss his own struggles around eating but it feels like a slap in the face that he’s so insistent on making sure she does. Rachel sends an emergency text to her fathers but then she notices Quinn crying. She doesn’t like that and moves so that she can curl up beside him- kissing his face slightly.
Quinn doesn't really react to Rachel coming over to him. He's so wrapped up in his own world, in the music pumping through his headphones, and the thoughts spiraling through his head. Not to mention the crying. He can't remember the last time he really cried but his time in the hospital has led to a lot of it.
She doesn’t need him to acknowledge her. She just needs to be there for him and not leave him alone. She never wants him to feel alone. She runs circles over his hand, keeping herself moving.
A half hour goes by and there’s a knock on the door. It’s the Berry’s and they’re holding food.
At some point, Quinn cries himself to sleep and between exhaustion and the headphones in his ears he doesn't immediately stir when the Berry men show up. It's the smell of food that pulls him from his sleep and he turns just far enough to see them in the doorway before turning back over. He doesn't want to deal with them too.
Rachel sighs, having hoped this would cheer him up. But little did she know the Berry’s had a feeling they wouldn’t completely fix this so they invited Judy who brought cards with her. “I think this was a bad idea.”
Quinn is still curled with his back to everyone and doesn't know what's going on behind him. He doesn't know his mother is also there. He vaguely hears Rachel saying it was a bad idea but he doesn't know what. However, he can't say he doesn't agree with her about it being a bad idea.
Seeing her son so withdrawn hurts Judy. She makes her way over to the bedside, making sure to walk around so he can see her. He tries to ignore her, close his eyes and pretend he hadn't seen her come over. however, when she nudged him to scoot over he did, giving her just enough room to sit on the edge of the bed. She runs a hand along his shoulder and arm, waiting for him to look at her. "Quinn, baby, look at me." After a moment, he does and she wipes a few tears off his face. "Come on, get outta your head. We've got good food and cards, least you can do is stop ignoring us." Quinn huffs but removes his headphones anyway, sitting up enough to collapse into his mother's arms. "You can't take care of your baby girl if you stop taking care of yourself." She whispers just loud enough for Quinn to hear and he groans.
"I know, mama." He whispers back, pulling away a bit, looking at everyone else in the room. "What'd you bring?"
Rachel slips out of the bed when Judy comes around. She hopes that maybe she can talk Quinn into a better mood at least. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for his mood. He’s hurt and hurting and stuck. Rachel can’t imagine how yucky that feels inside for him but she does know she isn’t helping or making it a little easier.
“Indian food because it’s your favorite.” Rachel whispers, before Hiram mentions the games.
Quinn smiles a bit, settling back into bed. "You guys didn't have to." He sighs.
“We wanted to.” LeRoy promises, “Would you like something to eat?”
Quinn sighs and then nods. "Yeah, I guess." He doesn't want to, but he knows there's no point arguing it. Besides, Indian was his favorite. If he was going to eat anything, Indian would be his best bet.
Rachel is quick to jump up, making sure everyone else was up for eating before dishing food out. Quinn gets the first plate and she manages a small smile and once everyone has something she loads some vegetables onto her plate to pick at.
Quinn thanks Rachel and settles in to eat, still partially curled up against his mom. He's slow to start eating, pushing food around his plate for a while before actually taking a few bites. His eyes are on Rachel, watching her.
No one is eyeing him, no pressure to eat, put on either of them. But Rachel feels it and she wonders if Quinn feels it too. She can’t take it anymore and feels herself growing antsy. Rachel sets her food off to the side. “Was there a specific game you were looking to play? Because I have one.”
When he sees Rachel push her plate to the side he is gaze falls to his own plate. He's still mostly just pushing food around it. His favorite food and he still can't seem to eat it. He feels eyes on him and he looks up to see the nurse eyeing him from the doorway before she's gone again. She'd been smiling. It made him feel less bad.
"Not me, no." Quinn shrugged, still picking at his plate, trying to convince himself he needs to do this.
Rachel is just watching him, wishing she knew if he cared she was there. That everyone was there. Why couldn’t she just be there without feeling like everything was her fault.
“I think that I need to go home and lie down.” Rachel says instead of offering her game.
Quinn's eyebrow raises but he just sighs. He's not going to force her to be there, even if he wants her there. He slumps further into his mom's side, setting his plate down. Judy looks down at her son and sighs, kissing him on the top of the head.
"Rachel, can you come with me for a minute?" Judy asks, as she stands from the bed. Placing another kiss to the top of his head she whispers, "I'll bring back chocolate," into Quinn's hair and he smiles a little at that. Judy then moves to the leave the room, hoping Rachel will come with.
“I was planning to leave so I guess you can walk me to the door?” Rachel holds the door open for her before following her out.
Judy sighs as she walks out the door, immediately turning to face Rachel once the door is closed behind them. "Why are you really looking to leave?"
“I’m not needed. And my head hurts and I would rather go home.”
"Please, you're the only one he actually wants here." Even still, Judy starts walking. She promised chocolate and if Rachel is so inclined to leave she might as well walk her out. "He's never been good at vocalizing what he feels. And if I had to bet, his depression makes it even harder."
“I can’t do anything about anything he’s feeling.” Rachel sighs. “Nothing helps.” She’s frustrated because she knows it’s not her but it feels like it is.
"But you can be there anyway." Judy sighs. "Because going away when he's not himself is feeding his depression. Telling him he's as alone and useless as he thinks he is. Telling him that if he's not himself then he's not worthy of your time." Her words are gentle but firm. She turns down the hallway where the vending machines are, pulling her change purse out of her pocket.
“This has nothing to do with him.” Rachel whispers, shrinking into herself. “I can’t. I can’t sit there and be useless. I’m always just useless and he needs better.”
"But that's not how it feels to him." Judy says as she straightens out a five dollar bill on the side of the vending machine. "If you're keeping him out of his head then you're not useless. You're giving him reason to keep going and get better. You can say he deserves better but he chose you. Don't throw away his choice like it doesn't mean something."
“But I’m not.” Rachel whispers. “I’m not helping him with anything. And he’s not getting better and I can’t.” She closes her eyes. “I don’t know what to do. This is too much. He’s not too much but I can’t. I don’t know how to be what he needs.”
Judy sighs as Rachel talks. "Just be his baby girl. Even when it's hard. Believe me, just being there will be enough." Judy had struggled with depression during and after the divorce. It wasn't until she'd gotten out and found friends that would come to her when she couldn't go to them, that she got better. "Chocolate fixes everything." She muttered as she inserted the bill into the machine and keyed in the code for a plain chocolate bar. She then put the required change for another directly into the machine while putting the rest in her change purse. Removing the chocolate bars she looked at Rachel.
“Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?” She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to reset, somehow. “I don’t feel that way.” Rachel shrugs, and after a sigh she turns to head back to his room.
Judy puts a hand on Rachel's shoulder and then pulls her into a hug from behind. "Because you want to be able to fix him. You want to be able to take his pain away. He doesn't need that, he needs you to be there to keep him company while he does it." She whispered with a kiss to Rachel's head before letting go and stepping away.
“But he doesn’t deserve to be in pain. This isn’t fair.” Relaxing a little at her embrace, though there is the fleeting thought that the woman may be repulsed by what she feels. “I don’t want to eat in there.”
"No, it's not. But we can't change that." Judy sighs. "Neither does he. But if he can try, so can you. Might make him feel less alone."
Rachel’s fist clench at her words. She didn’t want to try and that is the difference between her and Quinn. “He’s not alone. I don’t want him to think that.”August 4, 2019
"Depression is an evil thing and can make you believe a lot of things that aren't true. Including that you're alone." She actually starts to head back to the room then. "The least the rest of us can do is not give his depression more fuel."
She knows she’s talking about Quinn. But she understands so many of his feelings. “I can’t take care of myself. I don’t know how I can take care of him.”
Judy smiles. "Let the doctors and nurses take care of him. You just be here for him and take care of yourself the best you can. And not be afraid to ask other people for help."
“I don’t need help.” She grumbles, before following the woman back inside. She ignores her fathers slight gaze before they going back to telling Quinn about this YouTube video they’d run into that made even LeRoy chuckle.August 5, 2019
Judy doesn't say anything as she moves over to Quinn handing over the two chocolate bars she'd bought.
Hiram and Leroy had pulled up a YouTube video that Quinn just had to see, because if Leroy laughed it had to be funny. And they hadn't been wrong. He smiled as they discussed it animatedly, though he found himself looking at Rachel. "I thought you were headed home, baby?" He's happy she didn't but he worries she's ignoring her own health.
“I can leave.” Rachel says defensively, trying to breathe through her outward angst. She didn’t need to make this harder.
Quinn is frustrated by her response. All he'd done was ask a simple question and she was being defensive. He didn't like that. He wasn't good at emotions and explaining. "No." His tone is solid dom and he can't help but notice the way both the Berry men and his mother straighten up. Information he doesn't want to acknowledge but cannot actually ignore. "You will stay here, with me until I say otherwise. Do you understand me?"
Rachel straightens up quickly, nodding her head slowly. “Yes sir.” And it comes out easy, like she knows not to call him daddy in front of her actual dads. “I’m sorry.” She adds
Quinn grins at her response. "Good. Now come here." There isn't room for argument in his voice, even with his expression being soft. He pats the bed next to him and holds out his arms to her.
Rachel is quick to climb in beside him, turning her head into his shoulder and just carefully holding him. It’s as if there was no one else in the room.
Quinn holds her close, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Good girl." He whispers into her hair as he settles back. Easily picking back up in the conversation about YouTube videos as if he'd not just commanded Rachel. He opened one of the chocolate bars and broke off a piece to pop in his mouth.
Rachel just flushes, sighing happily. It’s not some immediate fix but she does feel better and lighter and she clings to him. “Yum?”
"Mmhmm." He loves the way she clings to him, and he breaks another piece off. "You want some?" He offers the piece to her, silently hoping she'll take it.
Rachel tenses for just a moment before taking it and plopping it into her mouth.
He's happy when she takes it. Quinn rubs her back, trying to get her to relax a bit more. He wants her to be comfortable, even if it's just a piece of chocolate. Leaning in, he presses a quick kiss to her lips. Does he feel weird doing this in front of their parents? Yes. But he feels like they both need this and anyone else can be damned.
Rachel can’t bring herself to chew it so instead she lets it melt in her mouth. Swallowing it down slowly with a look of disgust. She can’t help but kiss him back, hand cupping his face.
He doesn't like the face she makes but just kisses her again. "You okay?" He whispers against her lips. Out of the corner of his eye he watches Leroy motion to Judy and Hiram, urging them to leave. Getting the hint, they all file out with a wave, leaving the food and games they'd brought with them, leaving the pair alone. Quinn is thankful that they left the food, knowing he could probably get the nurse to reheat some for him later, if only so he was eating.
“Are you?” She feels bad that they leave but feels s lot less pressure once they are out of the room. “I’m sorry.”
"Just glad you're still here." He whispers, holding her close. "Why?"
“Because I left you. I made you feel like I don’t want to be here.”
"It's okay, baby. You came back." He doesn't know what his mother told her, but he makes a mental note to thank the woman later.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel alone daddy. I can’t say being such a brat was an accident but...” And she snuggles against him.
Quinn just held her for a bit. He's trying to figure out how to say what he's thinking and feeling. "It's not just you." He mutters. "Being stuck here is just hard to deal with and you wanting to leave... I don't know, made me feel like it's my fault."
“Me wanting to leave was me not wanting to deal with all the food and thinking you didn’t want me.” She admits softly
Quinn feels like he's been punched in the gut and he presses a kiss to her head. "I always want you, baby. Don't ever think I don't. I'm just not good with stuff. Like, the depression makes it hard."
“I wish I wasn’t so selfish. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make everything about me. I just love you. I do. I love you so much.”
Q: So much. Just... there are questions one never wants a parent to ask and he's asked all of them. There are only so many ways I can dodge questions. Cos I'd rather not discuss our sex life with your dad.
