Poetry of the Queer & Erotic

Queer/poly/pan lady with an insatiable appetite for knowledge, truth, and orgasms. All content I post is mine, unless otherwise stated. Some content might be more suitable for adults.

[liseangelica]

Always 1st Rediscovered

Rediscovered is the love that comes without newness. To hold itself in a constant state of inconsistency outside of being at all. To be there in the strength of all that we’ve been through. To look forward to nothing but today and what could be in this moment. Your head on my shoulder. My heart in your hand. We’ve cried every tearful emotion imaginable and then again like the time before now after. When I gave you a promise, I meant it. When I looked deeper I saw it. You have a lover and a partner I have a spouse and a story... we will always be the strength that comes from adversity overcome. From loneliness reimagined. From knowing each other when no one else knew us and then to love when no one else cared to. I’ll sit on that porch with you another day as well as this one. I’ll tell you I love you and know loves true meaning. To show up in sadness in depression and fear. To call on the last ounce of belief when Hope has taken a vacation. To know one another beyond words and feelings and actions, but merely a sense in one’s body. There you are. I see everything in an instant. We found one another yet again. Reborn again. Renewed reinvented. Reinvigorated and exciting. I’ll sit with you on that future porch and celebrate this day from the future. This ring on my finger no longer sentimental but instead the only metal light enough not to care. Give me your hand and hold mine as well. Give me that heart and take mine in turn. Tell me every beautiful whisper without saying a word. This is too good to be true if it weren’t hard won dependency from two too independent to realize until now what marriage can look like when re-written for beings inclined to rediscover over and over. To find themselves in one another’s eyes and thank the process. Thank you companion. Thank you for being the only piece of my journey without any regrets except not loving you more than I already do.

[liseangelica]

Thimble of You

While you are the first thought in my mind upon waking and the last before sleep, the time between is filled with longing. It’s as though I’m being rationed, a thimble of you at a time, just enough to pull me back in... to keep me wanting more. Any less and I’d drift away like a newly filled balloon venturing into the blue abyss that is Earth’s sky. I’m running on empty. Hungry for your touch. An hour here, a hard won night there, excruciating. Give me a sign it won’t always be like this. That she’ll loosen her grip on your leash and extend yours to match her own. I don’t know how long I can stare out this window, your nearby presence a cruel joke circumstance played when it painted the scene in my life to match the one in my head. So close, yet still just beyond reach. Tonight I hope expectations for our rationed hours will be enough to last the vacant months ahead. My fear is, of course, that this thimble won’t be quite enough. For either of us.

[liseangelica]

Missed

I knew there’d be a moment, likely sooner than I’d wish, when I’d remember what it felt like to just be in the moment with you and miss that as those moments have passed. I knew I’d miss the way we’d listen to endless music, breaking down every hook, every melody, every riff. You brought so many beautiful songs into my world. I gave you many in return. And now my playlists are stale and sad. I’m uninspired without the excitement that was our sharing time. A pen in one hand, Spotify in the other. Give me a reason to believe it’s real. Try to believe in us. I knew what I was giving up to satisfy my curiosity. And in truth, there are so many things that excite me about him and the potential that lives beyond a moment. But he, like every long term partner I’ve had before, will require the painful patience of someone greater than I remember myself to be. To win trust with a stranger takes time. To love you, however, was easy. You say it doesn’t happen often for you and yet I knew from the beginning you would fall. And that I would too. But it wouldn’t stop me from hurting you when the reality of my life met the dreams of yours. Never to cross paths again outside of the fantasy involved in remembering our last Tuesday making love on the living room floor for hours on end. Until I couldn’t come another time and our bodies were slick with perspiration and lust. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s me who can’t stay after it goes too deep. Maybe it’s me who feels the need to leave intimacy for lovers in fairytales. Give me another night of passion and I’ll remind you of the way sex can feel. Or don’t and we’ll both be pleased to forget the end lives in every day you choose to move on.

[liseangelica]

Love & Loss & Love

Every lover collected, Leaving a hole in this heart uplifted By the new love meant to plug the dam that guards the sorrow of loss of all that came before.

[liseangelica]

Lust Poem

 Your eyes have a light in them when you imagine me naked, beneath you while beside you, we sit amongst strangers in business suits, lattes and brightly decorated laptops.

Your mouth asks questions, nods receptively with answers and all the while I see the scene behind your eyes. Your mind’s eye working away at my pussy, so wet there’s hardly any friction. Too wet, like over-ripe fruit we’re waiting too long to devour.

And yet the thought of all you could be to me leaves me shaken, unknowingly frigid in a way I’ve never been and could never be for more than the instant when your words sound too good to be true. Imperfect in their perfection. Cadence, rhythm, poetry. I’m left in awe of your ability to read my fears and hopes as though they were printed across my eyelids.

Say another sweet thing and I might burst from the expectation of it all. Your touch too knowing. Your kiss too familiar. Like kissing me in another body. Absolutely no guessing, no adjustments required. You know me already. How do you know me already? So well?

I’m not running, but I am cautious. Is this what happens when I’m done treading water and can create anything out of the ether? Imagine the most insanely atypical combination of traits to be wrapped up in a beautiful man who could possibly one day love me the way I’ve always wanted, but couldn’t realize.

The idea sounds deliciously crazy. Your enthusiasm obviously temporary. I’ve learned before, my reticence only robs me of another shared day in infatuation. The countdown initiated before I noticed it had begun. Catch up, or be left completely alone in my obsession. Fantasizing solo while you return to the ground of reality and all of my flaws while I walk on oblivious to yours.

So I’ll jump instead, without looking, without noticing the distance to the earth below. I’ll trust the wind to catch me and take me to higher places. To discover the closeness of the tree tops by leaving them entirely.

Forgive me future lover, if I have trouble trusting my heart to be kind to the only person it’s consistently struggled to love, its owner. I’m learning and pawing at the future like a puppy with a new squeaky toy. What is this thing? So unexpected? A surprise around every corner. Plush and novel. Warm and curious. New, but not forever.

I’m sorry I don’t know the answers. I don’t know if I’m ready. I can’t tell if you’re honest. I don’t recognize the meaning. I only know that when I awoke, I wanted to hold you in my arms, feel your cock inside me and pretend tomorrow doesn’t matter. To live entirely in the fantasies of all that could be, in a world where you loved me.

[liseangelica]

To You: Other Species

It matters not that my hand fits in yours more perfectly than any I’ve held outside of hers. The taste of your kiss, smell of your skin, biologically signaling perfect bonding for those in search of such things. Our love of music, listening for hours upon hours with the windows down, lights out save one small candle to light the outside of your perfectly carved features. Rodin couldn’t have done better. That image, then sound and souls overwhelmed in the beautiful journey each note leads us toward. Like bread crumbs in a fairytale… they took us from innocents to lovers, then to teachers then friends and back to soulful travelers discovering love in the most unconditional ways imaginable, save the only one that’s mattered, to me, more. I can offer the moon on a string, but not the exclusivity of my heart. I can love forever, but not one and only. I can’t ask for the same because your heart doesn’t know how to love any others except me. And while that sounds beautiful for a moment, in time I was drowning in it. Not even the music we shared could be the lifeline to better moments of consistency. You need the one and only. I need to know I won’t hurt you if I find someone attractive. The ends of our spectrum finally colliding in the reality that was another’s attention. How can you not know how much I love you in the same moment I’m holding his hand? As though his hand and your heart are in direct competition for knowing my soul. I can honor them both. I don’t compare the weight and consistency of one with the lightness of the other. The needs of each capable of being met at the same time. A late night when you’d rather be asleep. Or with friends. Or reading a book. Never calling. Rarely texting. I never faulted your preferences. I took them fully as your choices. I showed up, consistently and with enthusiasm every time you asked it of me. So why should it matter if time you don’t want is spent with someone who does? We both know the answer. I’m of one world and you’re of another. Splitting time as visitors had a shelf life of one fall and two summers. One glorious season, where you opened your heart to me in a way I never took for granted. You did the same when I opened mine to you. So there’s no regretting the moments we shared. The cuddling. The fondling. The passion. The tenderness. Loving you was perfection until the morning. And maybe, even in this sadness, it still is. Now you can go on to discover another who could love you forever and look only at you. While I found a man who showed me an idea of what’s possible, if not with them, then soon. Because I deserve a lover who loves who I am, not in spite, but including. And so do you. And so do you. Thank you for saying you left better than before. That knowing my love made a difference. That even behind tear soaked eyes there was recognition that loving for this moment truly was better than not loving at all. After two years of chaos and unhappy partings, I needed an ending that could find happiness in its future. “Friendship inevitable.” I’m sorry, my friend, that it happened so soon.

[liseangelica]

Remember.

Remember our sex. Remember how my fingers grip sheets as you enter me from behind. Remember our sex when I’d give you my arms, thrust back and throw my head every way, any way the ecstasy pointed. Remember when you filled me and it wasn’t enough for you. Multiple orgasms to hear, the accomplishment of knowing a body could appreciate yours so much. Remember when you’d come several times a night. Again in the morning. Remember when it was new and exciting in the newness. Not with each other, but ever. Remember when it got better and better and better until there was no where else to physically go without taking your heart there too. Remember how quickly you ran. Remember how stupidly I stayed. Controlled by chemicals that lifted me up when pills hadn’t yet found their home in my belly. Remember when I said I’d love you forever. My words, they know their meaning. As much as I wish for a character with less integrity. Remember when I pushed you away, physically begging you to do the thing I couldn’t. To leave. I wanted it to end. I wanted the pain to stop and I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. To cut myself off of the only thing that gave me joy, no the only thing that made me feel a little less dark and a little more willing to get out of bed and face another day alone. And yes, another day lonely. Remember when I couldn’t remember who I was? Or why you should care. And how to survive another disappointment in a string of disappointments that made up the worst two years of my life. It’s foolish to think you could. You never knew me. You never knew what I looked like when I was truly happy with myself. And the truth is, had I been, we never would have met at all. Because she asked me to refrain and the happiest me would have no need for the high that was your cock inside me. The death of my innocence reserved for another lover at another time, long after the honeymoon had ended and the trust hadn’t been broken between us. Her and me. I forgot you for a minute and it was delightful. And then, in a spontaneous eruption of chaos I remembered all that I’d lost and gained and lost and gained and lost again and the uncertainty of it all said it all. We’re through. The lover I was waiting for was you in the way you never were to me. The lover you expected was the me who could never be, not with the lover you chose to be instead. We were on a crash course for painful destiny that only one part of one of us remembers. That icon still dying to discover the old way of being. That only way of loving. Alone. Remember when I told you I’d love you forever. I do.

[liseangelica]

Invisible Piece of Me

This piece of me, precious and small but significant. It’s defined by you. And yet not you. Or rather not you alone. How you relate to me, how I am with you, this is just one piece of who I am. Just one way the world sees me. And then there’s them and all that I am with them. That’s also me. Assume. The world does it when confronted with the fullness of this slice of my identity. It asks me to decide. Or it shames my decision. The weight of disgust. The loneliness of not belonging anywhere, so familiar, yet uncomfortable. Forgive myself for choosing to live unapologetically as me. I’m done explaining and yet that fate, I fear will always fall on those of us who can’t not be ourselves. Who can’t be what our parents, friends, employers, neighbors, and grocery store clerks want us to be. As much as I try in every other way. If there’s a class on how to buy fruit properly, I’ll take it. But I can’t stop being me. So what does it matter if I smile and say please? When what people want most is for me and everyone who doesn’t fit in to pretend for them. Pretend we look like everyone else. Pretend we love the same. Garden like them. Cook, clean and paint differently on occasion, but only a little. Only when it’s safe and no one is looking. I can’t define myself without you, all of you. I can’t be all of me without him. I can’t be happily ever after without her. I can’t be at peace without you. All of you who will touch my clit and my mind at the same time. I can’t find all of me outside of your bed. Respect my decision to love freely. To open my heart at will. To love lightly when required. To know passion too. To be passionate about more than art and books and toys. To get riled up over more than the news or the unenlightened bigot in your office. To know multiple orgasms from the taste of your clit and the magic of his cock and that loving both isn’t treason. For me, it’s the only truth that doesn’t leave me shackled to the shame of being someone I’m not. Someone who couldn’t even recognize who she was because she’s never let herself be who she was completely. An imposter of pain and regret for too many years gone by in a body only feeling half alive. It’s time to move on. To forget my past brought me sadness. To forgive more than you and she and him. To forgive me too. I define me by the world around me as well as the world inside me. Every single one of you touching for a lifetime or a breath, it matters not. I’m only the molecules bumping up against the molecules that are you, making us a bundle of subatomic particles that know how to be larger than themselves. Knowing how to define a new One. I can’t define me without you. So perhaps this small piece isn’t so small. Without You, I don’t know me at all.

[liseangelica]

A Heart Like Yours

Give me peace. Let me lay stretched across your body in a pool of quivering bliss. I know you know now, all the things we’ve been thinking and not saying. So where does that leave carnal passion? Alone in a corner? Never to be thought of again?

Sweet sex with a sweet man who is just beginning to understand his own passion. Not facility. That you’ve mastered. Give no more illusion of inadequacies. Ego arrested. Patience your future friend. Your fucking needs no explanations. It’s perfect for me and for every woman hereafter who appreciates a lover who pays such close attention… to the speed of a breath, the squeeze of a little finger, the turn of a head, the tilt of a torso. You find beauty in all the spaces too frequently gone unnoticed and ignored. I find pleasure in every moment you pause and ask my body how to love you back, without saying a word. And then the words come sometimes too. Soft and supple. Renewing my faith in a gender too frequently obsessed with its own pleasure. Even those in the guise of a rare one who cares. How many do? I knew not until you, how good it felt to be kissed by a lover who expected nothing in return. And now, now that I have something to offer outside of the carnal, something robust and fine, something of value beyond space and time… we dance around knowing love, love that can’t understand circumstance. Is not bounded by age or years forward or moments of regret and forgiveness. Love that answers only one question. Who am I here for? True love knows the answer.

Come out of the corner. I’ll fight the fear of abandon to meet you half way, to the middle of the room. If you sit with me quietly, hold my hand, stroke my hair, and tell me you love me a million times over, I wouldn’t believe it any more than I did the moment you said it. So reserved in admission. So afraid of what would happen… to us both in a moment of raw contemplation and exuberant feeling all rolled into one.

Come out of the corner. Find me here waiting to love you forever, even after this agreement has retired to a new lover. A new romance. For you, a new partner. Perhaps even a wife or two. The fingerprints I’m leaving all over your body as permanent as those you’re healing all over my soul. To know the love of someone expecting so little and hoping for so much… it’s exquisite. I’ll not forget this bit of kindness. I’ll not throw away these memories, to be devoured by wolves of reality, once over. I’ll leave this beauty imprinted in faux paper to be re-read in sadness, one day re-discovered. When your mind is made up. When my mind is understood. When we can’t live in the moment one second longer.

Until then, hear me when I say I’ll love you forever. It’s coming, be patient. And trust in the feeling of feeling the things I’ve not yet been saying. You know the answers before I’ve even said them. Love always knows where it’s welcome. Your heart knows I fight hard to protect it. Trust me and the feeling. We’ll be here forever, long after a sliver of time. Because you gave me compassion and subtle gestures decades ahead of your time. I gave you a body. You gave me a feeling and two days ago an answer. I will take care of this heart. Yours and mine, long, long after the romance is over. Until the day you die or I can move no longer, I’ll show up to rescue a heart like yours any time.

[liseangelica]

Young Love

Young love from an old soul, denying me nothing except the experience of life in this body for much time in adulthood. The forgiveness of missteps on both ends... refreshing. With the ease of forgiveness comes much less misstepping. Fewer awkward moments of I shoulds and you did but I want and you hads. I gave you everything I didn’t want to want, but did anyway. You gave me everything you said you’d give if you gave only to me and now, given freely. Imagine a world where seamlessly given and taken thoughts only had to see themselves in each other to know the truth of their interwoven fates. I love you. I say the words here because you won’t let me say them aloud. Even though you say them in your head too, just before they get caught in your throat and become something silly that we both laugh at. Do you know that I know the words you were thinking and not saying? Do you know that I think them in those moments and refuse to be the first to say them aloud for fear I’ll run away screaming. Abort, abort this mission for dick and a wicked slow tongue. Pretend those conversations we give to one another in the middle of the night post fucking are only said for fun with no other meaning. Possess the aptitude for change and we both get to say them. Or don’t and we just keep on fucking and thinking. And that’s fine too. Because saying will mean commitment and I’m done thinking only men find their tongue in lies. I’ve found mine unuttered but surely thought from time to time. We have nothing to grow toward. That’s okay. I only need today. Don’t you?

[liseangelica]

Sometimes I imagine

My fingertips tracing the lines of your shoulders. The tightness of your back. The rigidness of your jawline. The softness of your sack.

Come bring that stiff cock toward me, a little closer, to lick the length of shaft. Swallow your hardness completely. Desire telegraphed.

Your eyes never leaving mine as you enter me. Kindness cracking my heart. Ecstasy fills me aurally. Come inside. Then restart.

Your gifted slowness keeps my wet pussy yearning For another refill. This time when you come inside me, Hearts collide; world stands still.

[liseangelica]

When somebody tells me to stop being so sensitive, I feel a bit like a nose being lectured by a fart… Not the problem.

Hannah Gadsby

[liseangelica]

From which I came

I came back to you. The greatest love of all. The self who forgot her beauty, remembering her grace. As though it had ever left her. I see you self, stories upon stories once again flowing into worlds others want to inhabit… crawl up into. Some can’t see, just as they never saw it, and maybe never will. It’s not their story to tell. These aren’t their stories to understand. WE know them. We know them to be true in a way only the courageous can know them. These stories are our stories and not meant for your consumption. Of course I will share, but only after I’ve lived and devoured every last morsel created for me and my kind. If you want a piece after we are through, I have no need to see what has become of the pieces no longer useful to us. Celebrate, brave souls. We are fighting a silent fight of faith. The opening of doors inevitable now. Those who pass through have no need to look behind at all that skin we’ve been shedding. It’s as useless to me now, to us now, as the snake’s last scales before dying. Only to be born again, renewed, in time for flying.

[liseangelica]

Antidepressant Depressant

Red pill, blue pill? Try white pill, no pill

Light touch, rough sex Thoughts lost, missteps Calm words, more sex Muted life, new regrets

Choke my soul but give me life Normal thoughts and happy wife Or feel deep love and certain strife Feels mixed up with a palette knife

Soft kiss, hard bite Calm kept, Xth fight We’re good, you’re right Let it go, my plight

White Pill, White Pill My fill, love still

[liseangelica]

Words without Meaning

You had no idea what you were saying. I know it, forgive it, understand it, but I’m still broken. The wounds are healed with time, scarred over with effort, but never again the same skin, once supple. I know now, that words can be false, even when rung true in a moment. I know now, that some lie with intention, others with ignorance. I know now, what I know, because of you and all those beautiful lies I opened my heart to. All of them untrue, even in the moment you thought them, because you didn’t have the thought to think at all about what those words once said would mean to a person who believed them. A person who hadn’t been lied to, not like that, before you. To say a thing that sounds lovely, it is an illusion if the thing melts in its own afterglow. The kindest of things is to be true in words of a moment extended beyond a sliver of time, to understand the whole picture so others around you can wisely decide if their hearts should be open or wait for another whose words know their meaning, to those who are kind, to those who are true, to those who know love so much better than you.

[liseangelica]

The sweet face

Hey stranger, been a minute. I remember you. But not the you I knew before. Not quite. This guy’s quiet. More so than before. Well, not exactly quiet. More like determined… and scared. I’m scared too. Broken pieces of pieces badly broken. Too much to clean up without a dusting pan. But maybe I could turn it into paste and make a new heart, like the kind we drew in grade school. You would have liked me then… had you been alive when. I would have walked right on by you, asleep in a stroller. Forget robbing, try escaping. I fall asleep in your eyes and that effortless smile. How someone once stolen from a home he can’t remember can be so enchanted with a life on repeat, the second time around, it’s exploded the way I see smiles forever. I miss your arms. Both of your arms. Oh! Those damn arms. Wrapping around me. Hold me infinitely. Even though we both know it can’t be. Not like that. Friendship inevitable. But not before fucking, a million more times in the bed that we’ve made. The one we had. No, the one we remembered. But this time, this second time, I expect the smiles to outweigh all of our fears.

[liseangelica]

I almost forgot

It’s been so long since I felt you inside me, I almost forgot what inside of me felt like. The moment of building; I can’t wait another, the moment before cock enters me fully. I cried at the good times forgetting the bad ones since bad ones have left you and good ones seem stale.

Please pause to discover your once bereft lover. She’s gone on to vanquish the pain of our past. And all that is left now: allusions of that vow, discarded and cleaned up. Freedom at last.