Lissa was a petite woman. Short in stature and lean which meant she looked all the more ridiculous with an eight year old hitched on her hip, attempting to walk as though it wasnāt burdensome. But Adrian carried her often and with the little time sheād been spending with her father, Lissa felt obligated in her attempts to make up for his portion. She knew Sylvie missed him, more than she admitted. Much like her mother, sheād learned much too young to keep her grief quiet to soothe those she loved around her. The rides home were spent with her little face squished against the car door as if it might hide her tear stained cheeks. Lissa missed him too. She hardly remembered life before Adrian, sheād been so young when theyād met. Near three quarters of their life spent together for her husband to be no more than a stranger to her now. She pressed her lips together as harshly as she could, determined to quell the trembling frown at the thought.
āI think I wanna go in the pool today,ā Sylvie chirped, head on her shoulder as they staggered their way to the front door.
āYou ask Nonna about that, okay?ā She didnāt know what Adrianās day looked like, nor did she have any desire to. If she found out she would be there, it would take every ounce of resilience not to walk Sylvie back to the car and never come back to this place. Sheād never asked if sheād met her, she could only assume that she had. She didnāt want to put her daughter in the position to lie to her if Adrian asked her to, somethingās were just better left unsaid.Ā āI donāt want you swimming by yourself, okay?ā
āYeah, you know that, smarty-pants,ā Lissa affirmed with a smile at her daughters clipped little tone. She sounded so much like him, it made her stomach slither into knots.
This was the last time that she could manage the drop off by herself, she knew that much. Ringing the doorbell of her former home like she was no one, like she was nothing at all was getting too difficult. Sheād only ever handed Sylvie over to her mother. mother in law, her mind corrected, never Adrian himself. Sheād done all she could to avoid being in the same room with him all together whenever possible. Something that hadnāt gone unnoticed by anyone.
He answered the door and her heart sank to the soles of her feet. Of course he did. He was like a shark, always sensing blood in the water. It was irrational, but she felt like he just knew today was too hard for her. And all his presence did was deepen the ache. Maybe in his own way it was to show that he cared enough to do so, regardless, Lissa registered it as betrayal of the one thing sheād asked of him.
Sylvie practically clawed he,r scrambling from her mothers arms to the ground until she was nestled up against him, grinning ear to ear. Her little voice sounded underwater while Lissa feared she may actually be sick. Sheād made it through med school and out the other side all the way into the operating theatre without losing her lunch, but the site of him was worse than a thousand leaking bowels or exploding gall bladders.
Adrian had a hand firmly cupping the back of his daughters head, swaying as they stood but his eyes remained glued fixed on her. No matter how much she attempted to look anywhere but him, she could feel the holes they were burning into the side of her face.
āDo you think Nonna will let me swim today?ā Lissa finally came up for air, managing a slow breath to keep her upright. She looked so much like him, it was never more stark than when they stood side by side. She hadnāt missed the way that thought made her feel, now instead of the warm radiating pride, it was tethered only to frustration and tears. She wanted to hit him, she wanted to beat her hands against his face until she forgot what heād looked like before and finally take back a good night sleep, knowing she could see her daughters face and think of anything but him. Sheād loved him so much before it all had gone to shit, that it only made her want to hurt him more. She would never, but the days she allowed the fantasy to run rampant were days that she didnāt find herself crying.
āI donāt know, baby, why donāt you go ask her?ā Sylvie turned expectantly to her mother, unsure of what to do with the blessing if it meant leaving her mother behind.
āGo on, Iām sure sheās waiting on you.ā Off she bounded, her little fawn. Always bustling with energy, absolutely radiant. So radiant that the moment she skidded around the corner the world felt a little colder, like the sun had set, leaving two strangers that shared too many secrets in its wake.
āI gotta get out of here, just... just take this. Make sure she eats dinner and Iāll have someone come get her later tonight,ā She was already turning away from him, feet on the steps in an eager retreat. She wouldnāt let him see her tears, she wouldnāt give him the satisfaction of knowing she cared.
āNo,ā She answered, not needing to hear another syllable. There was nothing he could say that she needed to stand around and entertain. His socks stepped onto the polished concrete, only a step closer but enough to make her eyes wild, glistening bitterly, cringing as he encroached even an inch. It was too soon. Too raw. She needed space more than she needed oxygen.
āJust wait a second, alright?ā
āUnless youāre about to hand me the papers, I donāt need to be here right now, Adrian.ā
āYou canāt ask me to sign them,ā he rasped. Lissa grit her teeth a little harder, wrinkling her nose as she sucked in a quick breath to stifle the little cry at the back of her throat.Ā Her grief silent but it was palpable, crackling in the air between them like a noxious wave, keeping them feet apart. Did he know that it felt as though he were strangling her? The sadness in his eyes were smothering, the weariness of his voice, suffocating. She didnāt want to be near him. She didnāt want to think about him in bed with her.
When he had thrown glasses and beaten the walls bloody, sheād endured it with more grace than most. Sheād endured it because she had promised him for better or for worse. More than a promise; a contract. One that he had voided between the legs of his motherās up-jumped secretary. She didnāt flinch for the most part, sheād given him far too much trust that heād always pull his leash short before connecting with her. Sheād trusted that no matter the chaos and destruction he rained around her, she would be left physically unharmed. She supposed sheād been correct. On her worst days, she lived with the realisation sheād rather the hit to the humiliation.
āIām not asking, Adrian. Sign the papers.ā
āThereās got to be something I can doāā
āAre you still fucking her?ā She interjected. Her eyes smouldered with a barely restrained vitriol. Silence was Adrianās favourite form of confession. She nodded to herself, an awful laugh bubbling from her tense frown. It was a short sound, harsh and close to sob. She pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes firmly until she was certain no tears would leak. āJust sign the fucking papers, Adrian. I wont ask again, next time you can hear it from my lawyer.ā
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As she slid behind the wheel, she felt the floodgates beginning to groan in protest. Her eyes watering so badly that the road ahead of her was obscured into a pasting of dull colours. She pressed her knuckles to her forehead, hoping the pressure might alleviate the ache setting in behind her eyes. When all it did was make angry red marks against her skin she threw her hands onto the steering wheel in defeat. The thud felt cathartic and before she knew it she was pounding it over and over, half snarling and half weeping.Ā
Only when she accidentally struck the center of the wheel, sending a blaring honk through her bones did she manage to startle herself and halt her rapid breaths. She couldnāt go back. She wouldnāt. She never wanted to look him in the eye again and the knowledge that wasnāt an option as long as they shared a child sent deep bellied sobs tearing up from her throat. Her hands drenched with tears as she habitually covered her face despite the lack of audience to her break down.
She didnāt know how long had passed, only that her throat felt raw and her headache was pounding worse than before after her hysterics. She straightened up in her seat, despite the weariness that had her wishing to just slump over and nap away the tension. Her thumb pressed the call function on the steering wheel, sniffling to try and clear her voice.
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