Remus held his breath as the door clicked shut behind him. He waited a moment, stood in the dim light of the unfamiliar hallway but he heard nothing. Taking in a silent, relieved breath he began walking towards what he thought was the living room; he was pretty sure the front door was just beyond there, although he couldn’t be certain, last night’s entrance into the house was pretty hazy.
He paused as he reached the closed door and looked back along the hallway. You’re doing the right thing, he told himself. It was just a hook up, people bail on one night stands all the time. In fact he’s going to be relieved when he wakes up and finds you’ve gone.
Feeling slightly better about what he was doing and bolstered to carry on on his first ever walk of shame Remus pushed the door handle and slowly opened the door.
Remus froze, squinting against the bright lights of what was definitely not the living room.
‘What are you doing here?’ James hurried forwards, pulling him into the kitchen and into his standard bone crushing hug.
‘Ow, Jamie,’ Remus groaned as he was pressed forcefully against James’ chest. James’ very bare chest. Remus huffed.
‘If, when you let me go, I find that you’re not wearing any pants either I’m going to be pretty upset James.’
‘Oh. Erm…’ James used the pause to pick Remus up off the floor slightly and rock him from side-to-side. ‘Sorry?’
He put Remus down and took a step back.
‘For fucks sake!’ Remus took in his naked body. ‘Why are you always naked?’
James grinned and gave Remus a little shimmy. ‘You love it. And to be fair Rem, I wasn’t expecting you to come wandering into my boyfriend’s kitchen.’
Remus suddenly felt as though something very bad was tip toeing towards him, imminently and precariously balanced on the horizon.
‘Your boyfriend’s kitchen?’ He asked, slowly.
‘Yeh,’ James nodded, biting into a gingernut biscuit and holding out the packet to Remus. Remus took one without thinking.
‘Yeh. Well it’s not just Sirius’s kitchen. He shares the flat with his brother.’
Remus felt the something rumble but he didn’t have too long to dwell on it as James’ grin had just turned into a smirk.
‘But something tells me you know all about Sirius’ brother. Am I right?’ He waggled his eyebrows ridiculously.
‘Erm,’ Remus said eloquently, feeling a flush spread up his neck, staining his face pink. ‘Erm.’
‘You dawg!’ James threw a gingernut at him. ‘Look at you sowing your wild oats! I’m so proud! And oh my God, do you know what this means Moony? We can double date! You and Regulus, me and Sirius! This is so cool! Brothers dating brothers! It’s a perfect match!’
‘James,’ Remus shushed him, ‘Please. It’s too early for Prongs level enthusiasm. And,’ Remus took a deep breath as the something gave him a nudge. ‘Are you absolutely sure your boyfriend’s name is Sirius?’
‘Uh yah, pretty sure,’ James sucked in his cheeks and let them go with a pop. ‘Well that’s what I’ve been yelling in bed every time he licks my-‘
‘YES, thank you,’ Remus interrupted him, the panic building. ‘So what you’re essentially telling me is that I’m currently standing in Sirius Black’s kitchen?’
‘That you are,’ came a voice from behind him and Remus’ stomach promptly fell out his arse.
He whirled around just as he heard James say, ‘Yay, you’re up!’
‘Hey Sirius,’ Remus croaked, casually taking a few steps backwards. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m fine,’ Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. ‘Why are you in my house?’
‘Oh you know,’ Remus tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, lifting an arm in an attempt to place an arm on the kitchen island, missing and stumbling backward. He wobbled on his feet a second and then crashed into James, knocking them both backwards so they ended up sprawled on top of one another on the tiled floor.
‘Hey Rem,’ James looked up at him. ‘It’s been a long time since we’ve been in this position, hey?’
‘Oh my God,’ Remus scrambled up and then reached down with the intention to take James’ hand just as James half stood and Remus’ hand instead collided with James’ penis.
‘I didn’t touch his penis!’ Remus shouted loudly, turning to back to look at Sirius who hadn’t moved at all.
‘I didn’t mean to though!’ Remus rambled on, ‘So it doesn’t count!’
‘Doesn’t count?!’ James sounded scandalised, getting fully to his feet and giving his groin a little pat. ‘It definitely counts. You touched it for at least three seconds.’
‘I was startled!’ Remus looked back at Sirius again.
‘Yes, well I do tend to have that reaction on people,’ James said sounding please, although he seemed to talking to himself.
‘If you’re quite finished groping my boyfriend,’ Sirius carried on as though there had been no interruption, ‘Maybe we could return to the original question. Why are you in my house? I wasn’t aware my employees had access to my personal information.’
‘Ohhhhh,’ James said, taking the purple silk dressing gown Sirius had just taken off and pulling it on. ‘Babe, you’re Remus’ new boss!’ James basically crowed, ‘Rem’s been talking about you for weeks! About how fit you are mainly but also that you’re bloody terrif-‘
‘James, please.’ Remus implored him. ‘I am begging you to shut the fuck up.’
Sirius looked at James. ‘You’re ex-come-best friend?’ he asked.
‘Yep!’ James patted Remus on the head. ‘My Moony.’
Remus shrugged away from James’ touch. ‘Definitely ex. We were horrible together. Horrible. Well, the sex was ok, more than ok actually, it was pretty bloody fantastic, although I don’t know why I told you that. Shit! I promise there’s nothing going on now. And- and I’m in your kitchen because I’m here to collect him! Not because I don’t let him out the house or anything! He texted me! Just because I’m.. his… to…’ Remus trailed off, breathing heavily.
Sirius just looked at him. Expressionless.
‘Bullshit.’ James said, looking delighted at the whole situation. ‘I didn’t text you. Why would I want you to come and collect me when this stud,’ he moved to stand next to Sirius and slid a hand down out of sight to presumable squeeze his arse, ‘Has promised me a morning in bed.’
‘Gross,’ Remus muttered under his breath.
Sirius eyebrows rose even higher and he cocked his head to one side.
‘Ergh,’ Remus tipped his head back. ‘You know what I mean. And you,’ he glared at James,’ Would it kill you to help me out just a teeny tiny bit?’
‘Nah,’ James grinned toothily at him. ‘But this is way more fun.’
‘You love me,’ James told him.
‘And talking about sins,’ Sirius voice had a dangerous edge to it. ‘Perhaps we could have another go at answering my question? Why are you standing in my kitchen at half past seven on a Saturday morning Mr Lupin? I find myself at a loss for any other circumstance that would bring you here other than the fact that my little brother brought you home last night, where you, obviously, both fell asleep immediately, both fully clothed and now you are here, presumably about to make breakfast and not walk out on him without saying goodbye.’
Remus swallowed. ‘Yes,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Something like that. Could you- uh- could you please tell me where you keep the cornflakes?’
‘I hate cornflakes,’ came a sleepy voice from the doorway and Regulus appeared. Remus couldn’t believe he had cottoned on before, he and Sirius were almost identical.
‘Morning Reggie!’ James said brightly, ‘You’re looking wonderful this morning!’
‘Ugh. Sirius, your thingy,’ he waved his hand in James’ general direction. ‘Is doing it again.’
‘You ignore him,’ Sirius turned to James and nuzzled his cheek. He looked at his brother, ‘Reg, be nice.’ He pressed a soft kiss on James’ cheek and then turned and glared at Remus. ‘You didn’t see that.’ Remus quickly looked up at the ceiling.
‘No,’ Regulus said simply, ‘It’s too early.’ He stomped across the room and grabbed Remus’ hand. ‘Come on.’ He tugged at Remus, who didn’t move.
‘Your brother,’ Remus told him, dropping his voice. ‘He’s my boss.’
‘Yeh. And?’’ Regulus looked both adorable and annoyed.
‘Are you done freaking out about it?’ Regulus pulled harder and Remus stumbled forward. ‘I already had to watch to deliberate whether you were going to walk out or not this morning. You looked hilarious by the way. Like a gazelle, ready to be startled at any moment.’
‘What?’ Remus spluttered. ‘If you were watching why did you let me actually leave?!’
‘Oh I knew James was already up and I knew you’d never remember where the front door was. Your tongue was too far down my throat for you to have taken any notice.’
Remus opened his mouth as his eyes flickered to Sirius. He closed it again. It seemed safer not to say anything.
‘God come onnnn,’ Regulus pulled harder, ‘I wanna have sex. I’m going to lie there and let you do all the work and then you’re going to make me French Toast. With honey, not syrup.’
‘Now Remus,’ Regulus pouted at him and Remus felt all resolve crumble. He looked at Sirius.
‘Sorry boss. I’ll see you Monday.’
And he high-fived James as he was pulled out the door.
