[littlesadgay]

It’s Christmas Eve and I guess I’m realizing how alone I am again.

I guess I don’t notice it when I’m busy and happy but I now that I’m in a fucked up headspace rn I’m starting to notice. I don’t get close to people cause I thinks it’s pointless of me to tell people about parts of me that I’m not proud of or that I think are weaknesses. I don’t get close to people cause that would require me offering up a part of me to be vulnerable and truthfully no one cares about other people’s bullshit. 9 times out of 10 I don’t care about their bullshit so maybe that’s just my own head shit. Most times I don’t have time for friends so maintaining friendships is more work than it’s worth. I’m good alone I’m always good about being alone. Well usually. But anyway, not getting close to people means I don’t have any close friends. I have Claire & Juniper and I love them both dearly but they’re just friends. I had Amy but that shit got messy and she doesn’t talk to me, probably for the best. It’s easier this way. As fucked up as it is, I don’t mind her being out of my life for now, one less thing to worry about. Summer is 800 miles away. Everyone in my life is just a surface level friend, I don’t go deep with any of them. My family is 800 miles away which is fine I don’t talk to them about personal shit and I wouldn’t want them to worry about me anyway. I’m just alone that’s my only point. I have no one again and I’m just alone and I’m just fucking scared cause I don’t want to fall into that place again. I’m sure this will be short lived. I’ll feel fine by the morning this won’t be a recurring thing. I’m psyching myself out

[littlesadgay]

WEIRD FUCKING SHIT

I literally became a “no bad days” kind of person I’m always happy, shits always good af for real no bad days kind of life, life is always good but these last two nights I’ve been a bunk af mood like super tired but like in a not give a fuck about nothin way. And I’m good at not giving a fuck I’m too good at that shit. I used to not give a fuck about myself about my future. I’m good at not giving a fuck about people about being selfish good at not giving a fuck about being alone. But that’s not a good way to live I know ultimately that type of complacency in seclusion will hurt me like it used to. It’s weird tho like where did this shit ass mood come from.

Ugh shits stupid tho cause I know I should get close to people but I don’t. I don’t like to and people are just dead weight. But then when I’m like this it’s wack cause I don’t have anyone to talk to. Not like I’d talk to them anyway but still idk. Life is stupid sometimes

[littlesadgay]

There’s a folk punk song lyrics that always stuck with me that goes

“I took the needle out of my arm about a year ago today, and every day since then I’ve been taking the needle out of my brain”

and it’s so fuckin true. Even when you stop using, drug use is still a part of you. I used to wake up every day thinking about how much I wanted just to do drugs. Life isn’t like that for me anymore, my brain rewired itself back to normal now where the drugs are no longer in the drivers seat steering me to that shit. It hasn’t been like that for a while. Once I moved out of California I lost all my plugs obviously and drugs are so much more expensive outside of LA I was pretty much consistently dry for almost 3 years besides the random ecstasy and coke here and there but it wasn’t regular. So now that I’m using again it’s nice to be able to do it idk functionally. I took the feinding nature out of my brain and now I guess I can use drugs like a normal person but idk if using drugs is a normal person thing lol

[littlesadgay]

Obviously there are things within all of us that define us. Something could be things we chose and other things could be things that are apart of us without our choosing. For example I think being a lesbian is something that define me, it was out of my control but I also chose to let it define me it’s something that I like to find identity in. I was talking to a friend and she said her depression defined her cause it was such a big and impactful varient in her life. Something that I think defines me a lot though is being a user. I don’t struggle with addiction, I’ve never been addicted, I have enough control to never become addicted, however I definitely have a habit for substance abuse and I draw to drugs. This might be predisposed cause my dad’s an alcoholic and then also also deals with substance abuse (cocaine LOL no wonder I love that shit) but I also chose to be a user. I know my relationship with drugs I know I have a habit of seeking out drugs and using most drugs in a non party way, using them alone, etc and I continue to use drugs. I am lucky bc I know my relationship with drugs and I have control over it but that doesn’t mean that smoking crack in bar bathrooms when I’m out with my friends and they have no idea what’s going on isn’t detrimental for me, I’m still abusing drugs. I love it though. I found a cheat in life I found a way to feel good. I’m not sad like I used to be, actually it’s crazy because thinking back about how sad I used to be I’m literally on the other end of the spectrum. I went from being convinced I was going to kill myself and now I literally have no bad day’s. I am always happy always bubble never letting anything get to me. It’s insane. And I still love using drugs.

[lezagna]

idk you but you're more than a person doing drugs again. You're not weak, you're strong. You can overcome your addictions you're more than all of this. idk you at all but I love you ok! stay strong, hang in there. this world needs you !!

i am weak. i knew I had a problem so I stopped using and now, a month and a half without that shit and I ran straight back to it when the going got tough, I didn’t even think about it. Every time I’m sad it’s the first thing I think of and that’s something that will never leave no matter how long I go with out it. I just have this disposition where I find my escape in getting fucked up and me acting on that by going and getting fucked up every single time is me being weak.

[lezagna]

I don't know you. And you don't know me. But I see that you're having a tough time. I know it seems cliche, but you're not alone. I remember feeling this exact way for a long long time. And to see someone else go through this breaks my heart. You're not alone in this. You have people that love you. I love you in a sense that your presence in this world makes the world lovely. You are a beautiful human being, inside and out. If you would like to talk more, I can message you off of anon.

I appreciate things like this I really do because for a second ya know I don’t feel alone. I guess in the grand scheme of life you’re right, I’m not alone, there’s a ton of other people out there who are on the brink of disaster just like me but let’s be honest, a stranger telling me not to kill myself because I matter isn’t going to stop me from being sad and isn’t going to help me get better. I know I have people that love me but I just don’t feel like I cant talk to them, obviously they don’t want me to kill myself but I don’t think they want to waste their time listening to someone cry about how even if nothing is wrong they just don’t know how to fucking feel happy, why would anyone want to honestly bare the burden of dealing with my problems? No body genuinely wants to sit down and try to fix someone else. I feel bad, someone hit me up tonight asking if I was ok and I told them yea bc what else was I supposed to do? Ruin their night by dumping all of my emotional bullshit onto them? It’s not that easy, I wish it were. You’re really sweet to offer you’re ear, if you’d like to message me off anon I would really like to thank you and follow you personally.

[littlesadgay]

Damn I’ve come a long way from this....

I haven’t felt like this in over 3 years and I can say confidently that drug abuse was 90% of what put me here. Glad to be out the other end.

[own-satisfied-deactivated]

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ishiwasdead                                                             i         w  ishiwasdead                                                              i         w ishiwasdead                                                               i         wishiwasdead                                                                i        wishiwasdead                                                                 i       wishiwasdead                                                                  i      wishiwasdead                                                                   i     wishiwasdead                                                                    i    wishiwasdead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                                    i wish i was dead                                                       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[littlesadgay]

It's starting to happen again. I've come to terms with the fact that I can't kill myself, I love my mom too much to ever do that to her. But that doesn't make the suffering any easier. I have to look at my life, what is it going to look like in the future? Will I just be hiding my pain, dealing with all of this alone, pretending, for the sake of appearing like I am not miserable. Things could be so good if only everything worked out but they're not. It's falling apart and I am breaking over it. It was supposed to be better this time around but people don't change I guess. The past mistakes are there to guide us but it seems like it's all just repeating itself and I gave up everything for this, at this chance to be happy, and it was going so well and if I just shut the fuck up and pretend everything is fine and suck it up it could be, it could be everything it was meant to. But who am I just can't take the good with the bad, and I need so much for the bad to be resolved but what hurts me doesn't hurt you and people will only change their ways when they see fault in their actions. But I can't count on that, and the depression will take whatever excuse it can find to take over and this time I'm truly at my most vulnerable with no resources and now I'm sitting here wondering if there is even hope this time around.

[littlesadgay]

Saturday, 11/11 @ 8pm

I think it's starting to happen again. Today I slept all day, I didn't even realize I was tired I just slept all day. I fell asleep numb and sad and work up the same way. It's 8 o'clock at night and I wasted my whole day off, not like I'd have anything better to do though. It's too cold to go outside, I don't have any friends here. The last time my depression was really bad I still lived back at home, I was isolated from friends because I didn't have a car and lived in a different area. Now I'm isolated cause I simply don't have anyone out here being 800? miles away from home, except Kami, but she is what causes most of my pain. I can already expect to feel trapped and lonely, i wonder what will come of this. How long this will last. I wonder if my relationship is going to end.

[the-lesbian-label]

please know that I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried until I really just couldn't do it anymore.

[littlesadgay]

I'm trying really fucking hard to be hopeful in a future and think that's maybe I'll find myself a path and I'll get on track and everything will be perfect and that I just need to get to that next spot right that next point in my life and all of this will be worth it and everything will start coming together but I'm still so scared of everything and I still don't have anything going for me and I still am kind of just relying on a miracle but most of all I still think I'm gonna end up killing myself. Not now, and probably not even soon but it's just so hard to imagine my life turning into anything that relieves me of being sad & terrified. I don't want to hurt my mom or Sierra and I tell myself I would never kill myself because of them but am I really supposed to go through the rest of my life paranoid that something terrible is right around the corner. It was so much easier only caring about drugs it was so much easier always being high. I wish I had someone to save me but like everyone says, those things aren't real.

[littlesadgay]

if my cause of death isn’t suicide i’m honestly going to be shocked cause man do i get discouraged & depressed so easily like one of these days i’m just not going to be able to handle being sad anymore and i’m gonna say enough is enough. in other news though, working has been nice because i haven’t had much time to think about being sad or staying sad, tonight i guess i just had too much free time on my hands. i’m proud of myself though because i still have that last little bit of coke and i didn’t use it. I’m saving it for a month or so down the line to do it so it hits harder. it’s funner, even with not using anymore, whenever i do have coke after the first line or two they stop affecting me, like no high, just like what used to happen.

[littlesadgay]

I got a job at a factory. Once I complete training I'm supposed to be working like a ton of hours so hopefully that'll help me have no time to think about killing myself, hopefully it'll help me get better, staying busy I guess.

[numbyrself]

[wordsnquotes]

My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.

Medoff, Jillian. Hunger Point.  (via wordsnquotes)

[maisjetaime]

It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning and you’re not as upset anymore.

Ten words story: may 2015 hold that morning for you. (via maisjetaime)

I'm really hoping this is the case

[littlesadgay]

As truly devastatingly awful being alone is, there's a little bit of hopeful liberation in it. Now that things are different, now that I have the opportunity (even if it as forced opportunity) to embrace solitude I am hopeful that this change might bring something new into my life that could promote happiness. Maybe finding peace and being able to be content in loneliness will bring me new bravery or ability to take risks (positive risks not reckless ones). What now do I have to hold me back? I was thinking I should save up and move, get the fuck out of here, I have no one worth staying for anymore. If I move and things don’t get better I think it'll be a lot easier to kill myself too. Just some thoughts.