the littlest spoon

storing all my skipped heartbeats

[littlest-spoon]

i don't want to ruin what we have, he says. 

& all i can think is ruin it. fucking ruin it.

[richardsikendaily]

[littlest-spoon]

i want to tell this story without having to be in it. i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm back, baby, & i'm ready for you to love me the wrong way again.

[littlest-spoon]

i wish i could say i want you happy. but the truth is, i want you lonely enough to pick up the phone.

[littlest-spoon]

oh but look at how good we are at destroying each other. how creative. finding new ways to do the most damage, but so bad at sewing each other back. mornings spent sifting through the carnage, picking up the pieces the other tore off, but never being able to put them back just right. so that every fight leaves us looking just a little bit different.

how long would it be before we notice? before you look at me & see nothing of the girl you once loved? before you start flinching each time i try to touch you?

[littlest-spoon]

sink your teeth into me like a hunter's trap. snap me in half like a branch for kindling. if you're going to hurt me, hurt me in a way that makes me useful.

[littlest-spoon]

are you sure?

i'm not turning everything inside out for nothing. you?

yes.

how do you know?

because i'm never sure, and i'm sure.

[littlest-spoon]

x: hey. do you think we could live in an old house & hang up old photos of people we never knew?

y: yeah. but we'd need to make up stories about who they were or the guests might get suspicious.

[littlest-spoon]

& there you are, in that photo, smirking, & i didn't mean to stumble across it but there it is in all its technicolor glory & i wouldn't have been sure it was you if you hadn't been wearing that shirt. & he's standing next to you, high or drunk or both, and neither of you have any idea just how fucked up everything is about to get. 

look, there's this boy who reminds me of you, but only in the way that he too is pensive & quiet & i know i'll never be able to speak to him, not even to say hello, good morning, how are you, maybe we could grab a drink & you could ruin me sometime.

[littlest-spoon]

you say you feel unsure about so many things. & i whisper to you, from very far away, from where i know you cannot hear me, "don't feel unsure. feel like you could want me. because i would say yes."

[littlest-spoon]

i spent so much of my life wanting to end it, & now it's like i'm wasting it mourning years i can't get back

[littlest-spoon]

is this where it ends? here? at this road-less-taken, insert-cliche-here moment in time?

[wishbzne-deactivated20210526]

pre–amphibian, margaret atwood

[xshayarsha]

“If I love you is that a fact or a weapon?”

— Margaret Atwood, from Power Politics; We are hard on each other. 

[littlest-spoon]

haven't visited these parts in such a long time. i hope everyone is warm & loved & safe tonight.

[littlest-spoon]

she says she's got the four of flowers and we laugh when she says flowers but no one corrects her. no one bothers telling her they're clubs. more bludgeon than bloom. this is how we keep her from shaking. this is how we hold her tears back. we do what we can when we can't find the answers. we make tea and we bluff and we keep really still when she stands up to use the bathroom and we don't ask questions unless it's more food? and we try not to cry when she takes a small bite because even this is a victory. the fact of her breath in the same room. the fact that we laugh at the small things. the fact that we still laugh at all.

[littlest-spoon]

tell me a story. don’t leave out the wolf.