Hello tumblr, it’s me again...
I have so many thoughts and not enough words. I had plenty of words to express thinking, pondering,debating on whether to spew my feelings here or just continue to bottle. I chose to attempt to unload my overflowing bottle of emotions. Because why express them it falls on deaf ears or it’s me being dramatic?
It’s been awhile, but I’m still the same screwed up hot mess I’ve always been. Maybe more so now than before. Forgive me for neglecting you, trying to let go and move on with out you tumblr. Every one else left and seems to be thriving. Growing up, doing big things, finding themselves. But here I am.. stuck in a what seems to be a never ending rut. Spinning my wheels.
The longer this pandemic goes on, the more I see the positive. I’m becoming an extremely bitter, angry person. I feel like my life has become go to work, work, come home, maybe nap or not (more often than not it’s nap), make myself take a shower (if it’s hair washing day, it’s a long drawn out process of dread), stay up to late dreading the next day, work.. The weekends are no more exciting... I’ve been sleeping them away. Yet I’m always tired. Exhausted- emotionally and mentally... more so than physically.
I hate being the mask nazi at work. Y’all are grown just wear the damn thing and maybe we can stop wearing them forever from now or so it feels that way. Just like retail, people don’t read. They don’t read forms that were required to have them fill out. They bitch. And I apologize, like I have a choice in whether they do or don’t sign them. Let me just say teachers seem to be the worst at following instructions. Missing stuff, not bringing something, etc. I’m not saying they all are bad. Some people just don’t care. Like do you drive with out your drivers license? It’s illegal. Why come to the doctor with out an insurance card and now a mask?
I’m sick of faking it. I’m not happy. Granted now it’s hidden behind whatever fabric pattern I’m wearing that day. I’m more and more anxious in public. I don’t enjoy shopping anymore. I’ve become a male shopper (get my stuff and get out). Browsing and not rushing is a thing of the past, if I even go in a store. Online shopping has been a savior... I get in just as much trouble on target.com as I do in the store. I miss the treasures I could uncover in my almost weekly trips to tj Maxx. Gone are those days, it’s been months since I’ve been there. No desire to go, no energy to make the effort to get there.
No energy, no motivation, no desire... I haven’t seen the gym in months. I went back twice maybe since they reopened before they made it mandatory to wear your mask while working out. No thank you. I’m already fat and out of shape I don’t wish to feel like I’m dying behind a mask. Plus the thought of working out with a mask makes me want to hyperventilate. Hell I do that some Mondays after being at home in the house all weekend MASKLESS. Did I feel better when I was in the gym every day or almost every day? Yes. One would ask why don’t you work out at home.. I’ve been trying it, the act of dragging my ass to the gym meant I had to do it since I was there. I don’t know why that mind set doesn’t work at home. Hell I could work out naked if I wanted to at home. NOT that I would. The tanning bed at the gym might motivate me to go back. But I could go and just tan and leave. It might make me feel a little better. Or it could make me feel guilty for not working out too. I want it to get warm so I can walk. But I feel like the pandemic has stole my friend I walked with. I’ve tried talking to her but I haven’t spoke to her since thanksgiving... I guess that chapter is closed, idk... having a friend to walk with was great it was exercise and “therapy”.
Speaking of friends... I feel like I don’t have any these days. I legit only talk to my co-workers and maybe one other person on a daily basis. I guess no one misses me or cares. Maybe I’m the failure here... not a strong enough effort on my part. It’s not like we can really go do much. Or that we have much to talk about.
titsay
gummygunk
janainaart
theartofmadeline
