Lizisms

Home is currently Hollywierd....a product of Canada eh? (As most awesome products are) Some might say I'm blunt and absurd....I just say I have no inner monologue. This is the gong show that is me.

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Carl Warner is a creative dude. He is a photographer that puts together all types of amazing "foodscapes'....and takes photos of them.  This is one of his pics: The London Skyline....and it is made entirely of food. He used 26 different types of fruits and veggies and actually glued pieces together to make it look this impressive.  No idea how long it took.....but I'm going to guess more than an afternoon. ♥ L

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Lizism #275

"I don't trust the dishwasher. You wouldn't put yourself in a machine that sort of sprays water and foam at you and call yourself clean. Or maybe you would- but I wouldn't."

I have an issue with putting dishes in the dishwasher....yea that may be a strange hangup....but I do. I just don't feel like the spray-some-foam method while my dishes stay in one position is that effective. Not to mention that some dishes get shoved underneath other ones and barely even get a dribble of soapy goodness to clean them. Nope. I would prefer to hand wash. I know exactly the amount of scrubbing and rinsing that's happening.....so I don't have any greasy gross residue on my dishes.  ♥ L

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BHAHAHAHAHA!!

These two are fuckin' awesome. Who else would drop acid at the Oscars?? Classic. I'm adding them to my "team of funny ass people I'd like to get drunk with one day." Watch this ish. ♥ L

Matt Stone and Trey Parker on Jimmy Kimmel Live 

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Lizism #8

"Bank of America....you suck. For so many reasons. But especially for having no shame."

As some of you have heard....Bank of America is going to start charging $5 per month for using debit cards. ARE YOU MENTAL? You want to charge me for using MY money that I put into MY own account?? Shit. Not only do most of your branches look like prisons but now your straight-up admitting that your total cheap-ass crooks. Well then.....getting my ass to the nearest credit union I suppose. Thanks for being so shitty and making everyone's lives more difficult. BOA and Netflix should be sent off to a deserted island and be together. ♥ L

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Ok. I LOVE that Michelle Obama shops at Target. And I LOVE that she tried to go incognito. Key word being: TRIED. First off....she didn't do a great job of trying to blend in. I get that she recognizes that most people dress like train-wrecks....which is my only explanation for this horrendous outfit. Second: why is she pushing the cart but carrying her Target bags? Neither of those are jobs for her with that fancy-pants First lady status of hers. Where is her secret service?? Come 'on guys...step it up a notch. ♥ L

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I saw this seal pup's face and I thought "How can I find it and bring it home with me? Legally....without PETA or any Russian cops on my ass?"  So precious. This little guy (or gal) is an abandoned rare albino pup that was found in Russia. I'm in love. His wet-old-man whiskers and barely-there ears totally work for his look. ♥ L

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Yes. That is as disgusting as it looks. What is it you ask? Deep fried butter. Yep. People are that fat.  Who the hell would eat this nasty shit?? Asking for a heart attack...that's what that is. ♥ L

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Ummmm....wow. At least he still has ALL his hair.....even if he's grey. Whatevs. He's still hot. And ridiculously witty. Man- I had a slight 'I'm OLD' moment when he introduced the 'Gin Blossoms' though. Shit. Time. Flashes. By. ♥ L

The Jon Stewart Show - 1994 Highlight Reel 

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When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.

Dale Carnegie (Forbes Thought Of The Day)

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Yea....he's a bit crazy...but he's in good shape for 98 years old. I mean, at least his memory seems intact.  I'm not sure how I feel about the decor of their home, but hey. They seem fun! ♥ L 

Its A Stoners Life 

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Her name is Chris "The Dutchess" Walton. These nasty things she calls nails are the longest pair on a female.  Ever. Ummmm....a few questions: HOW in the world does she get dressed with those claws? Or put on those f'n sunglasses?? I'm not sure if I'm impressed or convinced that she must have terrible hygiene. Can't be easy to shower....or have sex. Well- she might not have many dates with those things anyway. ♥ L 

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I feel like having a massive slumber party with popcorn right now.

♥ L 

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He looks like a happy Gator. Lives in the Florida Everglades....probably just chewed up some poor, cute, soft animal as his dinner. That's what's up with that big grin. *shuddddder*  ♥ L 

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Lizism #995

"Inspirational words at the end of emails should be banned. Don't sign off an email regarding our photos from the bar the other night with the word 'Truth'. Fuck you. The truth is your lame."

Ughhhh. You know those people. Who have some motivational crap written at the bottom of emails they send out? Whether its a word....or a phrase....its f'n annoying. They feel like they are become more 'divine' and 'spiritual' and helping to 'free' others with their stupid word. Nope. I feel like those people try too hard. It usually has no relevance to the actual email and makes me irritated. I don't need to learn new vocabulary....thanks. I have a thesaurus for that. Just fill me in with what you have to say and be done with it. That would be like me calling someone to discuss plans later....and then ending the conversation with the word 'surrender'. It's unnecessary. ♥ L 

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Lizism #8331

"This coconut sugar body scrub feels so incredible- my tummy feels as soft as a baby lamb that was just born."

I went out on a whim. My best friend recommended this Fijian coconut scrub (Yes-its really from Fiji...says so on the bottle) and said it works wonders on ingrown hairs. I was in a snazzy and spending mood so I ordered it. A week later....voila...I'm ripping open the box to test this shit out. WHOAAAAH. I don't have a clue if it works on the ingrown hair situation as of yet (it's only been 2 days) but shit. It makes my skin literally feel like whipped cream. In a good way. And the smell.....holy crap. I literally make up excuses to myself for why I need to sniff my arm or even find reasons to go unscrew the top of the jar and take a whiff. It's that incredible. Just saying. ♥ L

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Two words: MICHAEL. BOLTON. Shit- who would have thought that the dreads and pirate hat would be such an upgrade to his fitted acid-wash jeans and perfectly golden permed locks. Hysterical. I could totally get drunk with all these awesome people. On a Monday even.

The Lonely Island ft Jack Sparrow, Michael Bolton & Akon - I Just Had Sex Emmy's Awards 

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Lizism #455

"I get it- If you're gay.....and not quite out of the closet yet...it can be wierd to have a sham girlfriend. Good for you for recognizing that and having a third wheel around all the time to ease the poor girl's sexual tension."

I'm sure it's gotta be hard for both males and females that have some cover-up relationship when they haven't quite come out yet. But man- it's gotta suck to be the straight girlfriend if your man can't ever get an erection- unless he helps himself out of course. But hopefully.....they have an awesome third friend tag along on all the dates. To divert attention and also to have some nonsexual group fun! Look on the bright side.....you can never have too many rad friends. ♥ L