is it coo that i said all that?

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[llexathellama]

my love was as cruel as the cities i lived in; everyone looked worse in the light. there are so many lines that i've crossed unforgiven. i'll tell you the truth, but never goodbye.

i don't wanna look at anything else now that i saw you. i don't wanna think of anything else now that i thought of you. been sleeping so long in a twenty year dark night but now i see ☀daylight☀ i only see ☀daylight☀

luck of the draw only draws the unlucky and so i became the butt of the joke. i wounded the good and i trusted the wicked. clearing the air, i breathed in the smoke.

maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down. maybe i've stormed out of every single room in this town. threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now; it's brighter now.

//

and i can still see it all in my mind: all of you, all of me intertwined. i once believed love would be black and white, but it's ✨golden✨ and i can still see it all in my head: back and forth from new york sneaking in your bed. i once believed love would be 🔥burning red🔥 but it's ✨golden✨ like ☀daylight☀

[llexathellama]

happy thanksgiving y’all 🦃

this year i’m thankful for so many things, but among the items at the top of my list is the happy, healthy relationship i’m in.

twenty-eighteen me could never. honestly, in retrospect, i cannot fucking believe i allowed myself to be treated the way i did. who allows themselves to be in a relationship with someone who’s too afraid to bring you up to their mother for fear that she might disapprove? jfc 🙄😒

[llexathellama]

Happy Red (Taylor’s Version) Day! 🧣✨

the outro on ATWTMVTVFTV, made an already perfect song even better.

just between us did the love affair maim you, too?

wind in my hair; i was there, i was there. down the stairs; i was there, i was there. sacred prayer; i was there, i was there. it was rare; you remember it all too well.

[llexathellama]

i once believed love would be burning red (taylor’s version) but it’s golden✨

[llexathellama]

the last boy i dated thought it’d be a good idea to hit me up a couple nights ago. clearly, i had no patience for his bs and called him out on it.

i guess a single thread of gold didn’t tie me to him, after all.

[llexathellama]

i don't think i've ever felt this way. i don't know that i've ever felt this certain.

i already knew what he'd say when i texted him to ask:

what i didn't expect is that he'd read up about diwali, and show up with diyas, and make me feel like i was the most special person in the world.

i didn't expect we'd place dozens of lit tealights in every room of my apartment together. i didn't expect it to be so intimate or so romantic. i guess i just didn't expect that he'd want to wholeheartedly participate in something that was completely foreign to him just because it was important to me.

and why would i have expected that? it's not like anyone else had. then again, he's not like anyone else i've ever met.

when i was majorly hungover the day after the halloween party, he left the safety of the covers and ventured out into the world, and brought me pedialyte, food, and two different kinds of coffee (because he wasn't sure if i'd be able to stomach milk with how sick i felt). then he got back into bed with me, and held me for hours until the room stopped spinning. that morning, all i could think about was how different that felt.

i remembered getting food poisoning a couple years ago when i was visiting a now ex, then-boyf. i remembered how he left me at his apartment and went to go see his friends. i remembered the fact that i'd texted my cousin while i was alone in his apartment, and said, "honestly, it just feels a little... fucked up?" i remembered that the next day, despite the fact that i still wasn't feeling 100% up to it, we still went out to eat and meet his friends. i remember coming home from that trip and being unsure of the relationship, but still not wanting to break up with this person that i loved because i thought he could be better. it didn't get better. not with him, at least.

but with t, i feel so secure with every move i make, and everything i say. i feel supported and loved and seen. he's not what i expected or what i was looking for but i feel so grateful to the forces in the universe (idk, hinge?) for bringing us together.

[llexathellama]

in a departure from the ordinary, i will be dressing up for halloween this year. 100% a basic bitch move, but i’m going as a black cat 🐈‍⬛. i ordered the cutest lace cat ears headband, which i will wear all the time, regardless of whether it's halloween.

in an extra extra basic move, he decided he was going to dress up a dog 🐶 (probably because i told him i wasn't going to do a couple's costume, and this was his way of being petty. fwiw, i really did love the nintendo switch joy con idea; it just seemed like a lot. of course, now that i look at it, this is no less than a lot).

i might have half-jokingly suggested that i was going to visit my local pet supply store and pick up a heart shaped collar id tag that i'd wear as a choker with my name engraved on one side and, “if found please call [his number]” on the other. he was so excited and loved the idea and suggested i get him one, too. so, i got him a bone shaped one (don't read into the imagery, here), with his name on one side and my number on the other. it's so disgustingly cute i cannot stand it, yet this is precisely the energy i live for.

somebody please send an intervention. is this just who i am now? and why do i love it?

[llexathellama]

y’all. i just learned that indian matchmaking is coming back for a second season. clearly my loved ones don’t love me enough because no one even tried to get me on the show, despite my repeated requests. i’m upset. but clearly the boyf isn’t.

[llexathellama]

ya girl finally got rid of the roses she dried three years ago. she’s just slowly just cleansing herself of unnecessary baggage.

here’s a beautiful single white rose to brighten up your monday.

[llexathellama]

your eyes are like weapons; your lips could teach lessons. don't use them so reckless 'cause for you i'm helpless. you gotta take caution. you know that i'm all in. the chance of me to fall in, you know that it's often.

but if you don't wanna stay then please stop moving this way. you're starting up a wildfire in my heart; hope it's what you want, not just what you do. you're starting up a wildfire in my head; hope it's what you meant, not just what you do.

[llexathellama]

ever since i’ve gotten my new phone, all i want to do is take pictures & videos of things. is this foreshadowing my return to instagram? time will tell. but for now, please enjoy this video of me axe throwing!

also, can someone please show this to the producers of indian matchmaking & get me cast on the second season of the show, if there’s ever one? i would dieeeeeeee.

[llexathellama]

went to my first concert since the pandemic. the bleachers were ✨e v e r y t h i n g✨ i could have asked for & more. two saxes & jack antonoff. what more could a girl ask for? my heart is so full♥️

obvi jack agrees with my assessment because:

[llexathellama]

got my hair cut yesterday. was supposed to get curtain bangs. the hairdresser played it safe and refused to cut bangs of any sort. left $80 poorer & more annoyed than ever.

also, please don’t ask me why i tipped 20% for a service i hated. i don’t have an answer except to say, i felt guilted into it.

/endrant

[llexathellama]

update: got my wisdom teeth out on tuesday am. didn’t miss a workout & didn’t break my streak. recovery is going much much better than when i got the left two out. 🤞🏼

[llexathellama]

one hundred and twenty five!!!!! that’s twenty three and a half down from this time last year, and twenty down from my april start date (140 days). honestly, what even?

that’s below my goal. that’s less than new york. and it may just be less than high school. this is despite the fact that i’ve been slowly increasing my daily calorie intake. to say i’m impressed with myself is an understatement. tbh, didn’t think i’d ever see this day.

on the other hand, getting the remaining two wisdom teeth out tomorrow am. not pumped about breaking my workout streak. like i’ve said before - the lord giveth and the lord taketh away…

[llexathellama]

found myself singing this multiple times during the day, and realised that i actually, truly, un-ironically love this song. and that i, on a non-superficial level, connect with its message.

help me understand it. woke up empty-handed. never heard you say goodbye. do you remember, summer said she’d go forever? then you turn as cold as the weather, and left me here to cry and cry. // shattered; come to find that none of it mattered. empty like the promise you made me. flat out on the floor, oh no. hurt me once, i let it be. hurt me twice, you’re dead to me. three times makes you family. why can’t you see, i’m yours?

[llexathellama]

in case you didn’t know, i’ve been searching for the perfect skort for two years (yes, before they came back into vogue. because i saw a childhood picture of me wearing them, and decided i *needed* a pair. you know, the truest homage to my 90s roots). it’s been a struggle filled with tens, possibly thirties, of returns. until last week.

i now own the most perfect skort and i’m never taking it off. you’ll find me wearing it with my john mayer last train home tee until i die. please feel free to bury me in this outfit.

update: it feels wrong to deny the world the perfection that this outfit is. please ignore the tan line on my thighs. i’ve been soaking up the sun & spending all my free time outdoors, but apparently in shorts, skirts & dresses that are too long.