Never thought I’d see 25.
& never really cared for birthdays.
Going ‘with the flow’ for the past 10 years have been eye opening, but disappointing then a motherfucker. Although pointless, I’d always think about what would happen if I had chosen the high school I should’ve went to instead of going to the school where everything went south. Yea, I know it sounds foolish, but trust me, I’ve asked myself over a million times. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my current life. Matter of fact, when your past hits dark times, you learn a couple things. I’ve learned a great deal about life that school can’t teach you over the years. But If I had the chance to go back in time and tweak my decision, I would really, really, have to think about it.
Of course it was all gravy at the time when I started high school; “fuck school, fuck bitches, get money” mentality was on go. I made new friends, made good money, met new girls, bought a bunch of stupid shit, did a bunch of stupid shit. But all those things, all the craziness, it doesn't last. The euphoria of those things are only temporary, especially at that age. So you get greedy and you try to do more, expecting more. When you are having ‘fun’, you don’t really think much of the future, I wasn’t at least. Sometimes you just don’t expect to lose it all, and when you do, when you’ve crashed to rock bottom and become a fucking nomad bum, it hurts. But god damnit, it was fun.
Because of the things I were caught up in, I never thought I would live long enough to be an adult and worry about a professional life. I genuinely didn’t care about anything at all. I still kind of don’t. All I knew was the things that made me paranoid, things that I had always to watch over my shoulder for. It was mad stressful. Fortunately, I attained some damn morals enough to figure out that I didn’t want to continue on doing that shit my whole life.
But anyways, the point is that I’ve always felt that if I went to the other school, I would be, at least professionally, successful. Yes, I know that money couldn’t buy me happiness, but it would be legit, it would be the opposite of what I thought life should’ve been back in high school. There is a cluster of other factors that would play into this ‘happiness’ of course, but I still think it would’ve impacted my life positively.
Sob story aside, I think about it excessively. Not happy, or even content with my current on-goings, but I’ll deal with it. I still got my health, I got my cats, & I got two working middle fingers.
theartofmadeline
gummygunk
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