7:40 (soul searching)
had an epiphany today sitting in the park. A park whose trees I’ve hugged and grass I’ve layed down on and stared into the endless sky countless time over. This entire time I had been holding onto this idea of me being lost with no direction. I grew comfortable accepting a reality of me wandering aimlessly, when quite in fact some version of me knew exactly what I was doing. I’ve been soul searching. Not wandering aimlessly - I've been flowing, trying different versions of the same things to see which fit me best. I suppose inside I've known this whole time. There's never been a reason to fear, to second guess, to force. I've been on a journey. Some people are blessed with the idea of who they are and what dreams are theirs from birth. Perhaps I’m rewriting my life as I go because that has never been a case for me. The idea of who others have thought “destiny” was, felt fraudulent to me. Inside I was a small twisted version of my shell self. I was confused and quite frankly inauthentic. I grew up as a compulsive liar, a finesser. I was sneaky and manipulative. Even now I catch myself trying to finessing things that I should let be. Glossing over opportunity for connection with smooth words and cute selfies. I’ve been so afraid of love this entire time. Even when I’ve been asking for it, I have never been ready. I’ve never been real. I’ve never been logical about what I thought I wanted. How much of me i'd have to reveal. Even when I was pretending to be open. I never really told anyone anything tangible about me. I was all smoke and mirrors, parlor tricks because I’ve always been too smart for my own good. I didn’t have to engage, get really deep with anyone. my personality was border pathological, marred with the Aquarius detachment and intelligence. I used it as a shield. And now that it’s time to open up my heart, let my Pisces swim free, I realize that i'm not quite sure how. I don’t really know how to be open. I don’t know how to approach things as other people do, but it's also not my job to try to emulate what a person is supposed to do. I just have to be authentic. The version of me not burdened with the past, an honest one. I’ve always been a flurry of emotion or nothing. Anger or nothing. Lust or nothing. But I didn’t know how to show my true self and the few people who did see me, I’d push them away. I’d chase things I knew wouldn’t try to dig deep. It was a means to be safe. I’ve made so many mistakes and taken so many roads that have fucked me over in the past. I’ve hurt so many feelings in the process bulldozing over mine, Feeling out of place. And now here, 24 years old, an emotionally stunted adult. I’ve begun the process of trusting my intuition, even if my Aquarius mind says to pick the situation apart until I can’t breathe. I’m still water energy, so much of it and I know i can tap into her. The wild free flowing carefree goddess inside. I know I don’t have to cower in fear any more or keep my shield up. I'm safest when I’m most authentic. I'm safest when I'm the version of myself I want to be. It hurts to be offended all the time. It hurts to be petty and angry. Its a painful existence to hold onto sadness and our bodies tell us this. They scream at us. Illness is physical because its emotional. I used to have terrible digestive issues. My body would hold onto food for days. My emotions ate at me, buried themselves in a ball deep inside. I was stagnant. I'm not sure what the next move is. I have no intention of trying to turn around and clean all the messes I've made in the past - instead i choose to start from here fresh. Hi, I'm Destiny, 24 and I'm a recovering psychopath. I used to think it was funny, my out of control manic ways. I can see now how pathetic I was, grasping at limbs. I can see how lonely I was, and how much I attracted people and situations who exacerbated that loneliness. I've always felt so left out and forgotten. I was the friend uninvited or the girl the boys overlooked. I was the girl who didn't have a father, the one who was still unkissed, still a virgin, didn't have a best friend, the girl whose friends loved her when she had something to offer and I wore that anger like a badge. I was waiting for someone to come to me and tell me how I was important and worthy but people came and went and still it didn't fill me. I've always known offhandedly that person is me but i've come to a new understanding of what self love is. It's a firm kick in the ass. A realization that maybe you haven't been acting deserving of what you're asking for. I've grown so tired of this angry adolescent Destiny. She's heavy and It's time for her to go away. I'm not angry anymore and the teenage angsty is a tired routine. There's no reason for self sabotage when I know how powerful I am. It's going to be a process, one I have to remind myself of everyday but i'm in control. Finally.