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aesthetic blog | i post my writing here

[localsurburbangoth]

7/1/26

too much to even update on.

who in their right mind begins making out with a girl for 3 days straight, talking for hours until the sunrise, makes plans with, then ignores them. i am a fool with heartstrings that are easy to tug on. he pisses me off rightfully so. at this point im not even mad at him because of all the other shit i have going on,

i have begun to slowly hate my friends back home. they are boring lifeless cardboard cutouts of the beings i used to call friends. i know i sound hateful, but i am raged at how ive been treated by everyone in my life. i am being used by the boy i like, my parents, and friends.

my parents are miserable being who are aging and hate to hear it. i hate being the only kid in the house. as a woman i feel bad for my mom, but as her daughter i have no more sympathy. it enraging trying to do stuff with people who hate eachother.

i understand why my sisters are the way they are, but i miss my older sisters more than anything. we are finally all in that age range where we can talk about the same topics, but now we don't talk anymore. when i was younger we went on family vacations and had so much fun but i dont remember them. i want that back. i want to get drunk with my sisters on family vacation and stay up late talking. i dont even drink but the idea of talking with my sisters all night is a dream that visits me every so often.

i am always the one planning things and reaching out but i never expected my parents to take advantage of that part of me. my mom likes lazy vacations and small activities. my dad likes "new things" but never helps find said things and then gets mad when it doesnt happen...so that leaves me to do all the research for trips and planning out every second of the day to prevent a fight from happening; no fun trip for me. i suddenly find myself becoming a travel advisor. its not even worth it because all they do is complain about it LATER. i cant read your mind; you are grown ass adults. no one is forcing you to do this. dont complain to me that you feel "obliged" to do this stuff dad. you married this woman and had 3 kids. no one forced you to do that. now since i am the only daughter home i am forced to plan out every thing we do.

i don't think ill ever be enough for them since they both crave a different ideal life

[localsurburbangoth]

4/26/26

As I’m writing this it is currently my 20th birthday. Too tired to write anymore. but it’s weird. i’ve lived way longer than i expected. Here’s to 20 years bitch

[localsurburbangoth]

2/23/26

I might be the biggest fool of all time. my attendance has been perfect. i do my work on time. the first two tests of the semester are in the 70s. i thought i was smart for a few weeks time.

my dad, as usual is stressing me out which is surprising to no one. i understand where he's coming from. he wants to help me get a internship for the summer since i'm looking into the broader field that he has connections to, but my god is it tiring. with him, i will finish one task and a dozen more will sprout. it's never ending. he says he's proud but it doesn't feel it.

i got a job on campus with the IT service desk, which is okay. i went in for training once but i haven't heard from my boss. i emailed him saying i handed in my paperwork to HR and they said i was good to start working. radio silence. i'm nervous that i'm missing shifts i don't know about.

i am a fool. i've known that for a while, but last night might've solidified it. i was texting the boy i like all normal and we were talking about crushes. he made a comment saying that they make your day better and that he wishes he had his high school schedule so he could run into them more. so i was curious like oh do you work with them. he said yea, at his tutoring job...ARE YOU SERIOUS? so calmly collected myself after crying and texted him, you're a good guy and it'll work out for you. at the end of the day he's a gentlemen who has always treated me well even if he didn't crush on me. he deserves it well.

i can't help but feel idiotic in my own life. i put so much effort into the world but none of it comes back.

[localsurburbangoth]

1/9/26

I watched my grandmother take her last breath today at 1:37pm. She was surrounded by her son, daughter-in law, 3 grand-daughters, and her grand-daughters husband.

I was scared to be in the room at first when it happened, but it looked like nothing changed. I was leaning in the doorway when I noticed my dad crying even harder saying "there's a tear." he looked up at me and my mom saying "go get a nurse" I panicked an went to get one. She asked me if everything was okay and I just mumbled. I didn't want to claim anyone as dead. I walked her back to the room and walked to my other older sister who was sitting in the family room. I just walked up to her crying and she knew what it meant.

While I was walking to her there was a custodian who saw me crying. He asked if everything was okay and I said I was fine. I didn't know what to tell him and he probably sees everyone in that hospital die. It's an end of life facility and its normal to him.

My grandma looked like she was snoring. Like how she used to sleep on the couch covered in plastic when I slept over. Nothing dramatic happened like all the movies claim. She looked way younger. My grandma always looked young for her age. As a woman born in 1939 she barely had any grey hair, less than my father, her son. Smooth, soft skin. She looked like how she did in all the old home videos we have been watching.

People always claim their loved ones were at peace, but grandma didn't just look at peace, she looked relieved. The doctor told us a metaphor. The room was like a cocoon and she's not uncomfortable living, but she needed to leave the room. There was nothing we could do except let her grow her wings. I'm not religious, but I can appreciate a good metaphor.

i spent the rest of the day at my sisters apartment with her boyfriend while my other sister and her husband accompanied my parents in buying clothes for my grandmas funeral.

I think my grandma will love what I wear to her services. She always loved how I dressed. Told me I reminded her of the goth people she'd see in the Bronx in the 80/90s. Truly the highest complement I've received. She loved how I used rollers in my hair and not a curling iron. She never liked curling irons either and offered me her hot rollers but I declined because I was scared of how old they were. She loved all the cookies I baked. I don't think I will be able to make those gingerbread cookies or Linzer tarts without thinking of her.

I love you grandma and I hope you can forgive me for not holding your hand or not sitting alone with you in the room this week. You're an older sister after all and understand how scary it is to have a baby sister who is scared of the adult world.

[localsurburbangoth]

1/8/2026

Just left hospice. Doctors said a few hours to a day. Grandma looked peaceful i can only hope that’s how it happens.

i didn’t talk to you alone or even hold your hand. i’m sorry. i feel horrible but i can’t bring myself to. i hope you understand. i love you

[localsurburbangoth]

1/7/26

my grandma is the oldest of three girls. I am the youngest of three. she was in rehab for the last few months but then she was sent home-told us there was nothing for them to do. We got her home health aids, visiting nurses, everything she would need. Then when i was out Monday i get a text on my way home that she's in the hospital. So Tuesday me and my whole family go to see her. I have no idea how to even describe it. She could barely talk, kept taking her oxygen off. it was rough. Me and my sisters stood by her bedside for around 3 hours holding her hand. It was a mess, everyone was.

I need to rewind a bit. On Monday, I had plans to go into the city with my friends. We were gone all day, i had a great time. On the train ride home I texted both my parents saying smth like "hey on my way home should i get a ride home or not?". my dad replied "get a ride. mom and i are with grandma" So i didn't question it. Grandma was home-bond and my parents cooked for her/brought her groceries all the time, no need to question it. My friend then dropped me off at home. An hour or two later my parents came home, my dad looked a bit upset but i was able to talk to my mom. Grandma was in the hospital and things aren't looking too good. I got upset for a multitude of reasons. 1. why did no one text me all day 2. why did my mom not tell me WHEN SHE TEXTED ME IN THE AFTERNOON ASKING HOW MY DAY WAS?? 3. why did no one tell me when i told them i was coming home. My mom told me she didn't wanna "ruin my day". I understand that but i took a offense to it because she let it slip that she called one of my sisters IN THE AFTERNOON AND TOLD HER. THEN MY MOM TEXTED ME AT LIKE 4PM ASKING ME HOW MY DAY WAS. SHE CLEARLY HAD TIME TO TEXT ME. I would understand more if stuff was really busy at the hospital and they didn't have time to tell us.

So back to today. She's in hospice now. She stopped taking her heart meds, cancer meds, like all her pills. She only is wearing a big oxygen mask cause she kept taking off the tiny one. She still keeps trying to take off the big one. She wasn't talking, her eyes weren't opening. it was rough. The only movements was her leg occasionally moving and her arms trying to take the mask off. My sisters held her hands for their own reasons but also so she couldn't move them. We were there for like 4 hours. It was hard. Everyone was crying.

I have my own guilt. I couldn't bring myself to hold her hand, didn't talk to her, didn't say anything. Everyone had a moment alone with her and I couldn't even bring myself to take my hands out of my pockets. I probably looked like an emotionless asshole despite my crying. The doctors told us she only has a week at best. We have started planning funerary services, discussing the decisions to make.

My only anger is that every time me and my sisters would talk privately in the family room i would bring up how i felt and they were dismissing me. Maybe it wasn't intentional but it sure felt that way. I expressed my concern with the warning that this might sound selfish, but i'm concerned on the timeline. i go back to univeristy in a week and if we were talking about wakes, and masses, and waiting to cremate her. I'm scared to miss the beginning of the semester, I want a strong foundation. I understand its selfish but I'm concerned, They both kinda shut me down and were like "well i wouldn't tell mom and dad that. you have to do what's good for the family blah blah" and i'm like no shit i know that, your ignoring my main point. I talked to my mom about it before I went to bed and she told me this will all be over before I go back to school, yes the emotions will be there but don't worry.

I don't know how to feel. Is it accurate, is it not? We are visiting her again tmrw but before that I am seeing a friend. My whole family is working in the morning and I need an escape of some sort. I'm scared for the future. i want to go back to school, I want to see friends. I canceled the plans I had to see my crush. everything has happened so fast and watching my grandma basically decay is horrifying. with my other grandma i was young but also it was sudden, not a slow decline in and out of hospitals.

I just want to find solace.

i love you grandma

[localsurburbangoth]

12/18/25

this is probably false, but i have never been so scared in my life. my final grades for the spring semester come out tmrw. I am scared shitless. For now this is what I know:

APSY101-A

BFOR100- A-

BFOR203- D

BLAW220- A-

BACC211- C

The only grade that is not confirmed is the D. It is in my networking and cryptography class. This whole semester it has felt like pulling teeth with my professor. He has been so rude to me and dismissive. I have watched 2 people un-enroll from the class in front of him. This class is at night for reference. One guy came to class IN THE SNOW , no backpack, no coat, sat at the computer station pulled up his classes and dropped out of the class. He stood up said " I wish everyone luck on the quiz today. I'm dropping this class and you suck". He came to class only to pull that move to the professors face! I loved it. The only other people I have talked to in this class are either failing or openly cheating.

I have met with him privately and emailed him multiple times. The last time we talked I informed him of my worries about my grade which I had calculated to be a 54, or failing. He told me not to worry and that when he calculated my grade it was actually a 64, a D. This really confused me because I used the syllabus so IDK how he got a whole difference of ten points. I kept telling him that I'm relieved but i am still worried. He told me he thought of dropping lowest quiz grade and to try the hardest on the last quiz. I took this to heart!!

For the last quiz I scored an 100!! I was so proud. It was the last day of class. The previous week had been bad and I spent my whole weekend studying. These last few days I have been refreshing my grades on the website. In the syllabus it says ~8 labs will be graded. There is only 4. I knew the 3 from In-class weren't going to be graded but the lab from day 10 was missing. I thought I did well on that one so I emailed him being like hey were is it?? He told me he wasn't going to grade it anymore... HELLO?? I spent 6 hours in office hours even AFTER the TA left doing that and you decide not to grade it and not tell the class?? Thanks ig. So now I'm panicking. There goes an opportunity for more points to boost my grade up.

Grades are due tmrw and I'm terrified. He kept like making a face, not winking, but like reassuring "hey don't worry" so now I'm like what if he pulls some shit. I have no idea and I'm terrified. The website doesn't show any adjustments to the grade book to even reflect the last quiz we took on the last day of class. He has to add that. If he doesn't this feels specifically targeted at me. The only time I do well, and somehow pull off a perfect score, he doesn't add it.

All my other grades are A's. My gpa hasn't ever reached a 3.0. I'm at a 2.9. If I have two C's I'm pretty sure it can move up, i can explain to my parents that those two classes were pretty hard but my gpa went up, didn't fail anything. But if I get this one D. I have no idea what I'm gonna do. I'm terrified and everything is out of my control. My family is a mess and I hate being home.

[localsurburbangoth]

12/14/26

i failed to write this semester. its currently Sunday night and i'm leaving tuesday night. 2 more nights. i don't want to leave. i'm scared. there is too much to cover and i need to slow down.

my grades. i don't think i'm doing well its 2 classes. one is hard cause of the material and the other is hard because the professor is not the nicest. its my networking and cryptography class. its once a week, monday night 6-8:50pm. It's a lot. The professor goes through what feels like 400 slides. He kinda rude when you reach out to him. He's difficult to work with. I email and meet with him frequently. He told me to listen to "inspirational podcasts" before class when i told him i was struggling mentally because of family issues.....sure. Told me going to the ER and getting emergency surgery wasn't a "medical emergency and that other people were sick that weekend too. For context there was an extra credit opportunity that I couldn't go to cause I had a check up at the hospital. Thanks man, was the ER AND urgent care note not enough?? then i told him i was worried about my grade and he made a face and said "i can't see you failing this class" i felt good but then moments later told me i should "work out more for a better mindset". So i was pretty conflicted.

I was checking my grades today and saw one of our labs missing so I emailed him asking about it, if its gonna get graded, where it went. Turns out, despite the syllabus which says ~8 labs worth 30% of my grade its only 4 labs!!! 6 hours spent in office hours wasted!!!! YAY On the last class, last quiz i finally got an 100%. I was so proud. I hadn't scored above a 57 on any of the previous 3 quizzes. I hope the class grade works out in the end.

My other class i'm concerned about is my financial accounting class. I'm still confused on why I need to take this class in the first case. I guess its because i'm in the school of business. My crush is in that class and we studied for the final together, but that's another story. I've been scoring okay on the last 3 tests. I have a C in the class currently. I hope i did good on the final. I hope somehow by the grace of god and my professor that my grade works out.

My other grades are good so I'm praying I do well, the grades round out and perhaps even curve. I'm concerned about my gpa and especially how my parents will take to seeing them. I can only pray that everything works out and the non-stop anxiety I've had will go away.

Ok let me slow down. Social wise this semester was very good. I got closer to my friends, spent valuable time with them. I've had a crush on on this guys lets call him X. We got close around this time last year at a station event- exactly a yr ago today. Then last winter break we hung out and spent all day in the city, he was so nice and such a gentlemen. This is when I started crushing on him. Since then we have had multiple deep conversations, spent time together, watched wrestling, and smoked. I came to terms with my feelings for him this semester. I wanted to tell him before break. There was 2 outcomes: He likes me back and we start seeing each other over break OR he doesn't like me back and I have like a month to heal before spring semester. He left right after one of our finals. I didn't get to see him or tell him. I hope we can see each other over break. Maybe I'll get brave.

I have mixed feelings on going home. I want a break from school, for the semester to end, some time to bake, see my sisters, friends from home, but i'm scared to see my grades, how my parents will react, living with my parents for that long.

I have such conflicted feelings right now and on-going anxiety that hasn't faded. I wish the best for my grades, the life will work itself out, and a happy holidays! hopefully i post before Christmas and the new year.

[localsurburbangoth]

8/21/25

I moved in to my sophomore dorm today. Its pretty nice and spacious. I was the first person in my room to move in. I'm just waiting for my direct roommate who is a friend. The girl who lives in the single is random. I've never met her and I have no idea when she's moving in. i ordered my textbooks and everything is put away.

The rest of the summer was okay lots of doctors appointments for grandma, she was recently diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Mom and dad aren't talking and I've heard that a divorce is in the works. They have said it so many times that I don't even know if I believe it.

Tonight I hung out with some friends from the radio station. We walked like half a mile to Stewarts- a popular gas station upstate that has really good ice cream. It was nice to hang out with them again.

My therapist said she is really proud of me and how I handle life. I never really believed it, but I'm starting to.

[localsurburbangoth]

7/8/2025

two months have passed. I've started work. Its okay. I have pre-k kids. They have like no life skills at all, understandably. God, its such a pain though. I have patience for the most part. I don't want to be the mean counselor but the other ones do not care. Maybe I care too much.

I think when I was away at school my whole family developed eating disorders. My sisters were always more healthy so they are excused, but my parents. Their "healthy eating habits" are just eating disorders. Their weight lose is due to Ozempic. My dad always walked a lot and tried to eat better but lets be real- its the "miracle drug" the "healing elixir". Now they barely eat and read labels almost too much.

No shame in wanting to eat healthy, especially if your doctors tells you to eat healthier or if you have any medical conditions. Live and eat how you want. I always read labels a lot because I have a lot of food allergies and sensitives. I don't eat red meat and certain foods cause of textures and dining's halls gross me out so much so I eat kinda healthy. Not the best but hey I don't eat fast food a lot. The way my parents read labels and judge food reminds me of how teenage girls online read stuff. There is a balance in life.

I've always had a weird relationship with food. Growing up we ate horribly but it was what was affordable. Pre-teen and early teenage years I had an horrible ED and felt guilty and barely ate or ate too much. I worked through it but in my last year of high school and first year of college I've felt it slowly creep back. Now that I've moved back home its coming back full swing. I know I've gained weight. I'm a short, stubby girl. I look fat and I know it. i kinda like how I look, how I dress. Some parts of me I'm more insecure about than others.

My parents praise my sisters for being more fit, but specifically my sister who lives home. She goes to the gym early every morning with her boyfriend. I know she used to have an ED and I'm proud of her for healing her relationship with food but sometimes she talks and it sounds like it never left. My parents always talk about "how proud they are. blah blah."

Yes the commitment is amazing but goddd. I just want them to be proud of me for once. I don't even know what it would be. i suck at school, I'm a fat short bitch with no love life, I have like 5 friends. I get too emotional at the stupidest things. I feel like the black sheep of my family, i already stand out cause I'm the alternative nerd of the family but they pretty much accept that even though I think my mom is embarrassed to be seen in public with me when I dress more gothic. Who tf cares at this point, I just want to be back at university. It's not even that I'm not "healthy" my parents are also short and big still. It's an emotional thing. I love my sisters but I wish when we all lived together living unhealthy life styles. Its a horrible thing to say I know, but I miss them. I miss sitting at the table and not feeling judged. We all were the same.

I stopped talking to the guy I've liked for the last like 14 years. I sent him a long message stating that if he wanted us to work romantically he needed to show initiative. It felt very one sided. I know he liked me but it never showed. I understand being shy and nervous, I am myself but it felt like talking to a brick wall. No response it was sent last week. I want this summer to be me moving on and hopefully finding someone at college. I've tried so many times with him. I'm done.

I healed some issues with my closest group of friends. For context two of them are still friends with a girl from high school who tried me horribly , and them too- which is why I was confused as why they were still friends? They defended her and a few others. It really hurt me. We talked it out and I'm good now. Their relationship with her is between themselves and her. They know how I feel about her.

I have so much more I could write about but they are more miniscule. I have a therapist. See her every two weeks. Talk to her about what I write about. Some of these issues linger on my mind more than I'd like. I'm so tired. From work, from life. The thing is I'm not even depressed. I'm happy. I see people. I went away on vacation and have a trip from DC coming up that I cant wait for. Then I'm going away with my friends then I leave for school. I see people at work. I know I'm not depressed. I'm good for now and hopefully longer.

[localsurburbangoth]

5/15/25

It's been two months. i moved out of my dorm. My first year of college done. The last week i smoked and drank for the first time. My grades are kinda shit, I'm hoping they curve or a miracle is pulled.

I haven't been home for long but I kinda hate it. It's isolating. Found out a party I'm going to is having people who were rude to me invited. That's not a clear sentence but I'm too tired to make it sound better. I have finally grown from that mindset of a heartbroken senior but I'm in the bedroom again and now that headspace.

I'm scared for the summer. my grades coming in, work, my attitude which i know will just get worse the longer I'm home. I miss my freedom and being able to hang out with my friends who stayed back at school.

[localsurburbangoth]

3/17/2025

I've been home for spring break for 3 days. I hate it so far. I don't understand the point of spring break if you don't drink or go away. Why would I want to come and be home alone all day. My whole family works. Not that I'd want to spend time with them, I hate them. First day back got in a fight with my parents. Today I had to go on a long walk in the rain with my dad as punishment while he shit-talked me and my family. I'm 18 why do I put up with this?

I decided to dye my hair tonight. My mom always helps (I'm trying to get away from that) I tried a new dye, Splat. I've heard all the horror stories but for some reason my hubris got the best of me and I thought i was invulnerable. My mom freaked out which led to my dad stressing. They decided to wash my hair with the hose in our backyard. I was freezing and shivering like a wet cat. I hated it. I just was thinking the whole time how much my parents hated me in that moment and how they are never going to let me dye my hair again. I just wanted it to be over, to fast forward time so I was in their good graces again. I haven't been in them since before I got home. My hair did turn out nice thought I have to admit. I want to use this dye again but I don't know how I can do it without wrecking my bathroom or the grass outside.

I ordered a zelda game to play over break. I don't think I'm going to be able to play it in a week but Ill try my best. I've been trying to get my hands on it for weeks. Why is twilight princess so hard to find? (rhetorical question, i know why)

I plan on baking a lot. I've already made a pie, well a homemade version of a store-made one I like. I want to go back to school with stuff I've made so I can give it to my friend who I keep saying I'll bake for. I need to find more recipes.

I make plans for myself for break since its not like I have friends to visit. my mom says I'm isolating myself when I don't need to be and that I have friends and I'm ignoring them. I try explaining my POV to her and she still doesn't get it.

I have like two plans for the rest of the week hanging in the air, I just need to solidify them. I think I'm back in my parents good graces for the rest of the week so lets hope I'm left alone to bake and game.

I only had one midterm before break. I think I have one after break? I got an 86 on it the test I took before break. I'm proud it was for digital forensics and I'm thinking of changing my major to the field! Got a 66 on my last Calc II test, not the best, not the worst. The median was a 58 so I'll take what I get.

I just want to go back to school

[localsurburbangoth]

3/3/2025

Its been a month. Every time I say I'm gonna work on a schedule but I never do so from here on out its whenever I can.

its almost midterm time. Semester is going fast. I just try to keep myself occupied. I'm trying to get comfortable spending money. I realized I'll have too, even if sometimes its a little sweet treat after class.

I've only had one test so far, Calc II. It was rough. I'm just awaiting the grade now. I've been entertained with clubs and my two friends. I've created a good balance between work and social life. I do my work at a good time so I don't have to work late nights unless absolutely necessary. I have an event coming up friday so I'm gonna try to have all my work done thursday if possible.

My housing is done/ I'm living on the first floor of one if the smaller buildings directly with my friend and a single attached. We will have a bathroom for the three of us. Its not bad. Our window faces out so we don't have to worry about people looking in because we face a parking lot. I'm looking forward to living with my friend. We already agreed to get a build a bear together the first week and dress it up and also ill bring a monitor to plug my switch into. I'm looking forward to next year, I just need to get thru the rest of this year.

[localsurburbangoth]

1/31/2025

Well technically its 2/1/25..but who cares

First week of classes and syllabus week down the drain. It was okay. I have good professors. I'm just nervous for two classes (comp sci cause I don't know anyone in it & calc II cause I barely passed calc I).

I have two friends. It's a tough place. Both of them asked be about rooming next year since housing applications open up soon. I want to live with one of them because we function similar and both have ADHD, but with the other girl we are both same girls and are in the same weird little corner of the internet. There is apartments for sophomores that can house from 2-5 people. I want to try to get the 4-person apartment so I can live with both of them. We just need to find one more person. I introduced them to each other so hopefully this will work out. It would be nice if I could live with the only friends I've made so far.

I've come across the realization of the difference between isolation and spending time alone. At the beginning of the school year I was doing everything alone because i had too. I had no other choice. Now, I can do stuff with people, I go if they text me. At the end of the night I still will shower at 6pm and make jewelry while watching Zelda theory videos. It keeps me calm and helps me recharge. I spend time alone because I have the privilege too.

It's snowing like crazy up here. When old snow melts new one falls. It's beautiful but its so hard to get out of bed every morning. While walking to class I see snow basically falling diagonally. I feel like I was gonna get blown away lmao.

As good as university has been going so far I'm slowly letting go of high school, which I suppose I should do by now. I unfollowed all the "friends" from high school. I want my friendships to have the same effort and energy that I put in. My "friend group" from back home is even starting to dwindle down and disappoint me. I feel like I'm a third party member watching in. They all still hang out and talk to the girls who were rude to me, who lied to me. It hurts. I thought if I could rely on someone it would be you. I open up my phone to see them posting happy birthday ******! (censoring her name). If I recall correctly you didn't even wish me a happy birthday. You showed up late to my dinner and said you already ate. You walked in with a cup of coffee...at a restaurant. I remember my parents looking at me from a different table. They looked so sad. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to spend my birthday alone after that. Now I don't know if anyone is going to wish me a happy birthday. it hurts. I don't know why.

So happy f****ing birthday to the backstabbing two faced liars out there who all pretend to like each other but talk smack behind closed doors. I hope you get a kind awakening.

[localsurburbangoth]

1/19/25

It's been awhile. My computer broke so I had to get a new one. I'm settling back into school. I went back today. It's snowing like crazy up here. After I got dropped off I went straight to the store. It was snowing when I walked out. It was pretty but also I was worried about the bus and traveling back to school.

I want to go to the mall to get some cute school supplies but the storm :/ i want to go before classes start, which is in 3 days.

Winter break was meh. I didn't get to see the guy I've been talking to. He kept saying he wanted to meet up but then didn't answer me for a bit and went off to school without warning. I know, normally you'd take this as a sign that a boy doesn't like you but I know he does- he told me. That's why it hurt. If I had just recently met him or didn't know if he liked me back I would move on, or at least try to. I don't know what to do or feel.

I hope I can start writing more often/ frequently now that I'm at school and have a fixed laptop.

[localsurburbangoth]

12/27/24

Happy Holidays to all who celebrate!

I have to do Christmas plans 3 more times. :'/. Its so overstimulating but I get to bring all the pounds of cookies I baked. Everyone has loved them so far.

I always feel bad about Christmas morning. As I've gotten older I've started having like very calm and stoic reactions to gifts. Normally its just guilt, but this year i felt really bad. My mom (I don't say my parents cause my dad never helps with gifts) got me tickets to see MCR! I'm really excited, I've wanted to see them for years. I just said thank you and folded up the paper that it was written on. She was really excited to see my reaction. I felt bad. She kept saying it was okay.

My grades came out. A in western art and sociology, D in calc I, and B in comp sci. Expected. Disappointed but okay. I passed all my classes. 2.8 gpa. My mom is disappointed but said its okay. My dad hasn't seen yet.

Speaking of dad. I forgot how annoying he is to live with. Just tonight he said i was ignoring him. I was buying gifts with my mom for my friends..she was making returns. No wonder I don't want to hang out with him.

My skin is being bad again, oily, breaking out, but also dry and irritated.

I want to see my crush and we are trying to find a day to hang out.

I just want to be in a peaceful state. I love the independence of school but hate academic stress. being home drives me insane.

[localsurburbangoth]

12/14/2024

I need to set a schedule to post. Not that anyone reads this. Forming schedules is good for me.

Update: I got a 75 on that last calc test ( i will admit i cheated) I needed a good grade or there was no chance at upping my grade. I took the final yesterday. It was horrible. But I did learn something good. A d- is passing! I have a d. I just need to pass. I pray to whatever is out there that this class curves cause the class average is currently an e. I CANNOT fail this class.

I went to a college party for the first time. It was downtown where all the frats were. My uni is a biggg party school. I didn't go to one of those. The radio statin had a little holiday party and i went. I was nervous at first but as the night went on it got fun. Wasn't my scene but I would go again if I got invited.

I made a friend! We have so much in common. I finally feel like I'm a first choice. In past friendships, I have always texted first and no one ever texted me. Today i woke up to a text asking if i wanted to get breakfast from the dining hall together! It felt so nice. We winded up spending almost all day together except when I went to the station and they had to go study for their final tomorrow. We ordered food together as a reward.

Normally I feel embarrassed to talk about what fandoms I'm in and my ocs, but they are so fun and accepting. We have so much in common. I feel like we could talk for forever.

I go home for winter break on wednesday right after my last final. I only have comp sci and western art left. I feel kinda confident for both. For CS I could pass the class with like a 30% and western art I feel confident for since its literally just the final test of the semester, not a cumulative final.

I hated my high school. Younger me would've said I would never go back, but I am. I got invited to go speak about my college experience. The only reasons I am going is: 1) to see my old teachers and 2) to see my friends who are still in high school. My high school sucked at assisting in the college process. They set you up to be confused for already confusing period of life. Also free food.

I want to go home but also I don't. I finally have a friend but also a break from academics would be nice.