This is what my friend asked me last week. She’d been having problems with guys who, almost immediately when messaging her, wanted to talk sex, or what her body looked like, or to share pictures of their own bodies. She came to me because a recent conversation with a dude had left her, in her own words, feeling “unclean.”
And this isn’t rare. She’s not the only one who’s come to me asking about this, about whether it’s their fault a dude is coming on to them, whether they did something to make guys approach with frankly vulgar propositions right off the bat.
(And yes, I know, not all men, but enough men, too many men. If your only takeaway from this essay is to chime in with ‘Not all men’ you can leave right now before I block you for that bullshit.)
Selfish, self centered, short sighted men, who think that this is the way you get in a girls pants. Who don’t understand the idea of flirting, seeing “Hey you wanna see my ___” as a good pick up line.
I see this all the time. Guys who think because she’s on a hook up site, or even just on facebook, means she’s looking for…well, whatever he WANTS her to be looking for. These dudes are thinking with one thing, and it’s not their brain.
I honestly don’t understand it? Like, I’ve been through enough in my life to see that the approach they take DOESN’T WORK. And these idiots keep trying the same thing, over and over, hoping to find a woman with low enough standards, that they can just plop things out, and expect someone to jump on that.
You don’t approach a woman spewing your wants and desires. (in general. Yes there are places where that happens and works. We are not discussing those places.) If you approach a woman like an object to fulfil your dreams and fetishes, you’re going to have a bad time.
And I see them force this on the woman. They say “Oh, you’re dressed like that, I cannot resist myself.” Or “If you’re on a dating site, you should expect guys to send you their dick.”
Gentlemen, we need to step up. We need to be better. Treat women, even strangers, ESPECIALLY strangers, as if they are PEOPLE, not dreams made flesh. For the love of god, all that you’re doing with the current approach is giving people complexes, making them feel like they’ve done something wrong, that they’re being unclean, just for existing in their own space.
Don’t message strangers with sexual anything unless you’ve discussed if that is appropriate.
If someone doesn’t want to talk to you, they are under ZERO requirement to do so.
If someone rejects you, the correct response is to just nod and move on. Don’t call women names, don’t get mad because they haven’t given you a chance, don’t stalk them begging to talk to you, and for the love of god, don’t create multiple accounts to try again.
No matter what the movies say, if she’s not into you, there is very little you can do to make her into you.
Have you tried, you know, just being friends with women? It’s rewarding, super supportive, and helps you to always have someone to talk to.
And don’t make women think your horniness is their fault.
