Loki

the purpose of this blog is to help me feel better about letting others know what i think. (old blog that i don't use anymore.) [he/him, mid twenties]

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Goochie means Guy Coochie

this is a fact now i just made it up anyone who says otherwise is wrong

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i finished eating some dates earlier, and i just fucking realized

when i'm eating pitted dates, i'm basically eating a plant's detached, empty nutsack.

a peanut is a peanut plant's LITERAL nutsack.

a strawberry is a full strawberry plant's nutsack. so is an apple.

i'm eating plant nut. like LITERALLY. i'm basically eating plant semen.

wait i just realized that's pollen nevermind

plant uterus?

plant fetuses? am i eating plant fetuses?

HONEY IS BEE SPIT MIXED WITH PLANT SPUNK

BEES ARE EATING PLANT SEMEN

AND I'M EATING PLANT SEMEN MIXED WITH THEIR SPIT

EW it's like that gross cum kiss thing in porn! i'm basically doing that with bees! ew!

what the fuck

[lokloklok256]

wow they really weren't kidding when they said fursuits were expensive.

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sometimes i worry that one day someone's gonna find out i'm trans and also stupid and they're gonna think "hmm are all trans people this stupid? i'm just gonna assume they all are" and like i know it's hard to stop idiots from assuming all people who share one thing in common must share everything else in common but please no don't assume all other trans people are stupid it's mostly just me like i'm sure there are a few others out there but please understand it's mostly me i just happen to be both transgender and also a complete dumbass those two things do not go hand in hand this is purely coincidence

like transphobes and similar phobes just tend to be so dumb and assumptive that i'm scared they're gonna look at everything i do and assume i'm the perfect model for a trans person and all other trans people are like me, and i'm really not a good example of your average trans person, like i'm a good example of the diversity of trans people, but transphobes aren't smart enough to get that they might just think "ahh ocd must be common in transgenders" "i guess all trangenders must be this socially awkward" like no bro you just happened to stumble upon a rare mess

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just suddenly got a gross flashback. ew.

y'know it's really obvious that my mom is really dumb, i could go ON and on about examples of this, but i just got reminded of a gross dinosaur-related example that i really hate because of how much of a dino nerd i am.

i don't remember where we went, but it was some kind of dinosaur-related place. we came upon a dilophosaurus exhibit or something, and my mom went "well how do they know those two crests on its head weren't made of skin like on chickens?"

:|

it's just so fucking painful to remember that such a DUMB-ass sentence came out of the mouth of my own mother.

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MOTHERFUCKER

I THOUGHT I ALREADY GOT MY FUCKING WISDOM TEETH AND THEY WERE DOING FINE

BUT THE LAST FEW DAYS I NOTICED MY GUMS WERE DOING A LITTLE BIT OF WEIRD SHIT AND I JUST FELT BACK THERE AND FOUND ANOTHER FUCKING TOOTH GROWING IN

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I THOUGHT I ALREADY GOT MY WISDOM TEETH. I SWEAR I THOUGHT I REMEMBERED GROWING THOSE FUCKERS IN A FEW YEARS AGO. I THOUGHT I GOT THEM IN AND IT WAS ALL GOOD AND I HAD NO PROBLEMS.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME. NOW? WHILE MY LIFE IS ALL STRESSFUL AND I ALREADY HAVE A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT? SERIOUSLY?

there's only one fucker up in the top right growing in. it hurts a little bit. i just thought this was some weird shit my mouth was doing that i didn't have to worry about because i don't pay enough attention to my medical problems. but now i have to worry about this too. for fuck's sake.

well, at least this is a hard reminder that i need to get my ass to a fucking dentist.

i LITERALLY have not been to a dentist since i was super young, like probably around 3-6. i only know that because i have vague memories of going to a dentist once. for all i know that could literally have been the one only time i've ever been to a dentist in my life. i'm pretty sure i need braces. for fuck's sake.

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"all black people look the same" "all asian people look the same" bitch all white people look the same. are you tellin me you can tell these fuckers apart? there are two, possibly three men working at my workplace who i CAN NOT tell apart. thought they were the same dude for awhile. then i noticed people started calling them by different names. then i saw them TALKING TO EACH OTHER. do you know how fucking confusing it is to see two people who literally look and sound like fucking clones TALKING TO EACH OTHER? it fucked me up seeing that. there are some coworkers who i can only tell apart by their behavior, like how this one Generic White Boy at my work is usually pretty annoying. but i haven't noticed him screaming and messing with things lately. that stopped when our lobby reopened. so i literally don't know if he stopped working there or if he just calmed down because he can't be screaming as much while there are customers in the lobby. walked by my roommate on the sidewalk yesterday, i thought "well, maybe that's him.." but i couldn't fucking be sure because he also just looks like a million other white guys out there, couldn't tell for sure it was him til he said hi to me. hell, I'M white and i get MYSELF confused with other white people. was listening to youtube music one day, saw the cover of one song had this picture of this lady. absolutely scared the shit out of me because i legitimately thought it might've been a picture of me. i was like "OH GOD HOW THE FUCK-" almost thought it was some fucked up AI, then i thought "no, that person looks way too confident posing in that picture, i would never pose confidently knowing how fuckin ugly i am" and realized it must just be someone whose face looks disturbingly similar to mine. looked up the artist, all the pictures google gave me looked nothin like that, i guess that's just what she looks like without makeup. i swear to god, what's more embarrassing, not even being able to tell the difference between your own face and someone else's, or looking so generic that you look like just another clone?

real quick wanna explain that i'm not making fun of her and saying she looks ugly without makeup, people naturally look better without makeup no matter what, i'm just saying I look ugly wearing this face because i'm just not meant to have a kitten's face. this face looks much better on someone like her, but when you try to stick the face of a kitten onto the soul of a goblin rat monster thing, it doesn't do well. kittens are supposed to make doll eyes and swat things with their paws cutely and act like soft little furballs, not grunt and sniff and cough and make weird goblin noises and cringe and screech and snarl all the time and threaten to steal people's blood and call everyone they meet a bitch and act as if they have long spindly boney clawed goblin fingers when they actually just have stubby fleshy human paws. basically trying to fit the ugly animalistic rage of a rat lizard demon into the soft round body of a kitten or puppy just doesn't work very well.

ok well that wasn't real quick but the original point of this is pretty much all humans look the same and i can't fucking tell them apart.

[lokloklok256]

tiktok

titkok

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finally feeling a bit better. i'm so pissed about this i wanna rant.

so last saturday. not yesterday, the one before that. i felt just the tiniest bit stressed for no reason right before going to work. brushed it off. next day, almost have a panic attack right before going to work and almost consider calling and saying i can't go but we're short on staff so i really wanna help out. i'm feeling slightly dizzy, slightly shakey, and just overall weird. it fades away as i walk and then gets worse when i get to work, i start genuinely worrying that i might end up passing out or having a panic attack. even though it's been a couple weeks since i started taking my new anxiety meds, i didn't know what else the cause could be so i assumed that they were finally kicking in and this was the temporary side effects before they actually start working. when i started walking home, i was honestly worried i might fall over or something. then it fades away as i walk and by the time i'm home it's completely gone. i don't have any other problems like that for the next few days. don't know what the fuck happened. then the next saturday comes by. can't completely remember if anything actually went wrong or if i just felt hungry. and now today. i felt completely fine until i got to work. i mean, walking to work i was pretty tired cause i haven't been getting enough sleep lately, but like that just happens at random i have some weird sleep issue right now. but as soon as i get to work i start shaking. i start feeling like i could pass out at any moment. i have to start moving slowly and avoid bending over because i'm scared that'll make me dizzy and pass out. moving faster also begins causing a very heartburn-like pain to occur in the center of my chest. i start just barely feeling like my hearing might be getting weird, like it might be starting to fade out and ring, which means i'm about to pass out. i start really feeling like if i don't get my ass home and lay down i'm gonna pass out in the taco bell. i tell a manager what's up, she says i should go home, i call my brother, i realize i'm having slight difficulty thinking and talking, and the area around my mouth, the tip of my nose, and i think a tiny bit of my left cheek starts to tingle. i'm tired, shaking, and just feel really fucking weird.

i've been laying in bed for awhile now, i feel a bit better, but i'm not 100% sure i'm completely ok yet.

now, i guess this could have possibly been caused by the energy drink i've recently started drinking, but i doubt it, because i've been getting dizzy and stressed out before i drink it. just in case, i'm still going to avoid it. but i'm pissed. this either means that there's something wrong with me or that drink absolutely fucks my shit. god damn it i've tried so many things to wake myself up and nothing has worked.

my main issue with all of this is that i'm just pissed. i'm not supposed to have medical issues. i already have enough psychological and emotional bullshit on my plate. i don't fucking need this. my whole life i've been like the healthiest person in my family, i've never had any medical issues before. i was always the one taking care of my mom and brother and doing everything around the house. i've always been helping other people with their medical problems. i'm not supposed to have medical problems myself.

i don't even know what the fuck's happening. either this is being caused by the energy drink somehow, or i'm having some kind of mental problem, mostly because of stress and depression. but that doesn't make sense, i'm barely even stressed. i don't work very hard, i'm not busy, i don't experience enough stress for this to happen.

also forgot to specify that the reason that the only other option is stress is because it's specifically a little bit on saturdays and a lot on sundays, and weekends stress me out the most for multiple reasons that i don't feel like explaining because they're not important. i've also been getting the worst sleep on weekends, which i have to assume is because of stress because what else would it be. i just don't know what's going on. i really fucking hope it's the energy drink's fault. because this doesn't make any fucking sense and it just makes my life stupidly harder.

[lokloklok256]

god why do black-billed magpies have to make such a cute fucking sound every day i hear them outside and i JUST WANNA PET THEM! they sound SO FUCKING CUTE! i wanna HUG THEM AND CUDDLE THEM AND GIVE THEM KISSES! i want to have one as a pet SO BAD but i can't cause they're native birds and that's illegal! god damn it! i really want to feed them and make them like me but i'm too depressed and i'm also going to be leaving within the next year and that process sometimes takes a few years so there wouldn't be a point anyway.

[lokloklok256]

i've been using the samsung health app to record my periods for a while, i started using it to record my sleep a bit ago, and i just started using it to record my food intake. it also records my steps automatically.

it kinda makes me feel bad cause my periods are absolutely horrendous (i have no control over that though. it's also partially caused by the birth control so), i sometimes sleep just barely enough and sometimes don't get enough sleep (don't know why that keeps happening, it might be from stress), and i've just been shown how poorly i eat (i already knew i ate trash but damn). the only good thing is that i walk more than the recommended amount of steps, but that might also not be too good because of my sleep issues and how poorly i eat. no wonder i'm always so fucking tired.

i'm trying to eat a little healthier, i've been getting more stuff like pasta and potato stuff instead of just snack shit, and i got some fruit recently and plan to buy more, i'm hoping eating better might help me have more energy. i also recently ordered a dumbbell because while my legs are getting pretty decent exercise, my arms are not. i want to be a big strong man, need to beef up these twig arms.

sadly, it's not very easy for me to work on being healthier. depression makes a lot of things hard.

[lokloklok256]

*sees a spooky horror image of someone covered in blood* uh oh! someone's on their period! oh shit!

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A: bro check out this video

B: dude why the fuck did you send me this that's disgusting

A: lmao ol' "lure 'em in with lesbian kissing then hit them with gay dudes kissing" always gets em

B: wait there were gay dudes kissing at the end?

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i may fucking despise summer but at least i get to watch and listen to THE BABIES! there's a sweet little baby crow outside whining at an older crow, it sounds so fucking cute. i want to put my headphones on so i can watch youtube but i WANT TO HEAR THE BABY!

[lokloklok256]

god damn waking a person up is one of the scariest fucking social interactions

[lokloklok256]

acab

assigned cunt at birth

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the other day i found a spider in my bathroom, about the size of a penny or a little bigger, i decided to let him chill cause spiders eat the annoying flies and moths and shit that piss me off, and he wasn't botherin me or anything, so i just let him do his thing in there. well apparantly he was actually a she cause i just found four tiny spiders on the ceiling in my bathroom, all in the same general area.

i mean as long as they don't do anything to annoy me i'm gonna just let them be, but like my older brother sure isn't gonna like that, he's terrified of spiders.

i don't know if this is fine or if i'm gonna regret this later, but it's probably gonna be amusing.