LorenSCole

|| Wayfarer || Texan || Muthophile || Some people have college degrees that are worth thousands, I have a wardrobe and a heart of experiences that are worth more.

[lorenscole]

There is not one version of you that I don’t love.

[lorenscole]

I should have gone everywhere that you are

[lorenscole]

You don’t know what it’s like to leave a woman in the rain

[lorenscole]

To You

You wanted me to be the big spoon so you could feel me breathe.

I missed that at the time.

[lorenscole]

You and hips and hearts

[lorenscole]

Ya know. If we make it, let’s promise to tell any one that asks about our meeting and gathering.. And, ask ‘em if they have the time … because it’s a story. Won’t matter the money or the time it takes to tell the person that asks; we’ll make the time and the money.

[lorenscole]

Me

You know I was just as fucked up when you met me; it just looks different now.

I hate that. I felt like

[lorenscole]

I don’t deserve to know what the sun would look like setting or rising in the reflection of your blue-azure eyes.

I don’t.

But I know them. And, I can imagine them.

I’m lost trying to describe your chestnut brown hair that has hints of heaven-blonde in it.

I couldn’t begin to describe your freckle-draw of my face to your face.

[farmhouselove]

Heather Bullard

[lorenscole]

[person]: “…yeah. And what what was that like? Did you try to do anything about it? Did you see someone [about ..said things we are discussing, like a therapist] about that??”

Me: “Yeah! I saw you! You were the best thing that ever happened for me, I just didn’t know it. I have been screaming about it ever since. Nobody can hear me because I just scream inside like and indoor voice. But, I scream about you like a thrill on a rollercoaster and like being scooped and twirled like on a dance floor in the 50’s, like being picked up at three years old in my mothers arms and being spun around in the midst of the trees at the park with your glee in my own eyes’ reflection. … Yeah! I saw… you. You were healing and all of the therapy that I could want. I just.. I messed it up. Nobody else. Just me. I can’t believe I threw it all away. And you and I both know that ‘sorry’ doesn’t cut it. And, the real shitty part, if we are being honest, I can’t pay you back for it. I can’t. And, oh God!, I want to, but I can’t. I don’t know how, I don’t know where to even begin to pay you back. So, I just scream. In my head, I scream. I scream at myself and punish my self for shit I can’t even pay back. And, I know. I know, Jesus did what He did. And, I’m still trying to pay Him back too; for His lost (seemingly) wasted time on me. And just to be clear, He hasn’t lost me…it’s just really hard to follow Him when you keep fucking up… and the crazy part is?… He already knew you were going to fall short…sooooo short. I don’t like disappointing Him or you. Thankfully, I don’t have to ‘wean’ myself from Him like I’m probably going to with you. He’ll always be there; but, you won’t. It’s so hard to think and try to live this life without you but, because of Him, it’s possible. It’s just so frustrating falling in front of you and failing in front of you when want to be so great and strong and helpful and not weak. It seems mythical and even dreamy and winsome to be able to be free within that, with you.

[lorenscole]

I wish I could watch the snow flakes, dance, and fade away, and die in your brown, sweet brown, hair.

[lorenscole]

Paradoxical effect. Might be something to that. Damn awful as far as I can tell. But there may be use yet.

[lorenscole]

It’s four-thirty in the morning. Not a lot of brightness yet. I’d rather kick off these covers and get out and work out few bit of cattle. That seems better than trying to sleep now. We can sell a few. It’s not much.

I was burying my head around in this bed. That doesn’t matter much. She’s not here. She probably won’t be and never will be again. That’s a hard bed to lay in. That thought will take me years to reconcile. I won’t beat myself to death over it but I’ll be a while still. It’s just hard to explain how you miss someone and it might just be your own damn fault. Just takes a while.

[lorenscole]

I remember being in the water with you.

Skin to skin

It was a new birth

I wish I would have believed you when you told me you loved me. I played the fool and the whore because I didn’t trust you. Memory is a horrid and blessed thing at the same time sometimes.

[lorenscole]

“I’d’ve bet my heart and all chips just to watch you walk away.”

I’d have done it again

[lorenscole]

“There’s something about the desolation of the mountain that drives a man to tears and then madness. When home in the plains, I feel as happy as all of Christendom as the first man that Jesus ever touched or the first woman he ever healed. May He make me more fit and less alone when I am high on the hill.” “Lord, let me not forget your goodness and kindness and ever lasting love and Your strong and mighty arm that’s not too short to rescue even me.”

[lorenscole]

LSC

It takes a long time to get old.