𐙚 1.5k, not proofread sorry, swearing, panic attack tw
𐙚 note // it doesn’t get happy until the very end but i promise it does get happy lol. a second part as promised. i wrote this with lowkey no plan and one half hour sitting, so shitty writing ahead. also idk their dorm arrangements. enjoy nonetheless ~3~
“what do you want?” is the first thing jay says upon opening the door to their dorms. considering the fact that it was half past four in the morning, jake couldn’t blame the guy for the obvious peeve in his voice.
still, he can’t bring himself to say anything and instead just pushes past his groupmate into the dorms. jay seems to catch the gist of the situation from that alone, following suit and letting the door slam shut behind him without seeming to mind.
“was it your fault again?”
en route to the room he shared with jungwon, jake stops in his tracks. he doesn’t turn to look in jay’s direction, and he presses his lips into a thin line. “what do you mean by ‘again’?”
“i mean, last time you yelled at her for talking to that guy from her math class. i was just wondering what it was this time.”
at this, jake turns around abruptly, “you know i’m in a bad mood already. can you not rub it in my face that i’m a shit boyfriend?”
jay gives him a straight face. the tension between the two guys is strung high but he resolves it promptly and simply by responding, “i’m sorry if i overstepped and asked too much, but it’s not fair to take out your frustrations about being an asshole on me.”
neither of them break the stare for a few moments before jake caves, looking away whilst admitting, “i bought a drink for some girl at the bar we were at yesterday.”
“you what?”
jay’s immediate disbelief is jake’s affirmation that he’d truly gone too far this time. it made him feel dumb, really, for so fervently trying to defend his actions when they were so clearly viewed as wrong to those around him. jake turns his gaze to the ground, shaking his head in resignation.
“she kicked you out?”
with his eyes still on the floor, he replies drily and belatedly.
“yeah, something like that.”
in his top bunk later that night, jake stares at the ceiling that hangs two feet above his face. jungwon’s snores from below and the clacking of heeseung’s loud ass gaming keyboard two doors down should be enough noise to drown out all his thoughts, but it’s far from it. jake’s thoughts are loud enough to consume him whole.
he did not get kicked out of your apartment. jake knows you don’t have the heart to do that to him, not when he helps with the rent and not when he unofficially lives there. but jake can’t stand being there without your presence.
earlier that night, he was brushing his teeth to get ready for bed but there was no you next to him, trying to mimic his actions until he caught on and laughed at your imitation of him. when he turned off the lights and made his way to the bed, jake caught himself saying, “goodnight, love you,” to an empty room. it was embarrassing, sure, but it was even more so heartbreaking when he slid into the sheets and instinctively reached out for your warmth, only to be met with the coldness of your absence.
so jake kicked himself out. because staying in your room, where your scent lingered everywhere, ate away at his conscience until he had to physically remove himself from anything remotely related to you.
he still remembers with a heavy heart the last time the two of you had fought. without a sorry and only his angry words ringing in your ears, jake remembers how you’d tried to discreetly slip out of bed late in the night. immediately sensing your absence in bed, jake shot upright and asked where you were going.
“to the couch,” you had said. “i need some space.”
you had turned away from him before he even uttered his feeble, “i see,” the air around him stilling where your breath had once been. jake felt the palms of his hand grow cold, and the edges of his eyes stung with the threat of tears. he doesn’t cry, not even infrequently or on special occasions. but in that moment, jake swore he’d never felt closer to tears.
it’s these suffocating memories of his failures that make the ceiling above him seem as if it’s closing in on him, inch by inch. it seems it will smother him flat, squeezing shut his airways. any minute now, any moment now. he lays there unmoving, accepting his fate and in anticipation of his last breath. but the ceiling remains sedentary. instead, jake is gasping for air, breaking out into a sob so sudden that he barely registers what’s happening.
he kicks off the blankets, for he’s breaking out into a sweat. though he’s breathing hard and fast, there doesn’t seem to be enough oxygen. the sounds of his roommates diminish into nothing. his vision of the dark room blurs further into nothing, and his face is wet with oncoming tears that lack an end in sight.
it is a matter of fight or flight for jake as he scrambles to find his phone, clambering clumsily down the steps of the ladder on the bunk bed. once he reaches the bathroom with the door shut and behind his back, jake fumbles to press his speed dial.
each ring that goes unanswered feels like another step closer to death for him, thus it’s fortunate enough that his call was received on the third ring. the line on the other end is quiet, however, and only the sound of jake’s labored breathing and choked sobs fill the silence.
“jake? are you okay?”
he doesn’t stop crying until the moment he hears your voice. even his breathing manages to even itself out for the half second it takes for him to weakly respond. “i’m okay.”
“are you sure?”
as he returns from the climax of his panic attack, jake reassures you, “i’m okay now.”
“do you want me to come?”
it’s so sudden, the way the feeling dawns upon him. jake loves you. he’s sure of it all the time, but he feels it so strongly right this moment. if he thinks too hard about it, he could cry again. he is crying again. he’s crying at the way you pick up with no hesitation, even though it’s six in the morning. he’s crying at the tenderness in your voice, the warmth, the concern with which you speak. he’s crying because you’re upset at him — to the point at which you can’t stand being in your own apartment with him — but one sign of his distress and you’re asking if he needs you by his side. jake says yes. he needs you.
“i need you. come home, please. i– i can’t stand myself. why can’t i just be good to you? i just… want to be good for you.”
the lines goes silent, save for the occasional sniffles on jake’s end. he knows this isn’t the apology you deserve. he wishes he could do more for you instead of this emotional and unwarranted plea that probably woke you up. but this is his best. jake hopes it’s enough.
“i know,” you rejoin, “i know you’re just doing your best. and your best will always be enough for me.”
his world goes back to normal when you say that. whatever havoc he’d wrecked has been rectified, and jake is no longer seeking to fight or flee the cage he’s built himself. and in this way, you’ve saved him from himself.
“i love you.”
jake thinks he hears a laugh from the other end. he smiles.
you laugh again, and it’s definite this time. “i love you too, silly. i’ll be home after class today, so just let me know when your schedules end.”
“can i see you now?”
“really? me over work?”
your doubt is incredulous to him, “of course. you over everything.”
normally, you’d take that as is and move on, though you decide to play along with him a little more, “that’s nonsense. being an idol is your dream.”
“no,” there’s a dead seriousness to his voice that you don’t expect, “you’re my dream.”
caught off guard, you only manage to muster a, “what?” in response.
“when i’m seventy and wrinkled, i’m not gonna be dancing and singing in front of a bunch of screaming teenage girls. i’m gonna be with you, telling you lame jokes and doing indecent stuff at funerals.”
you don’t need jake to repent for his wrongdoings when his intentions are so clearly written out for you. even when he hurts you — which you acknowledge is inevitable in every entanglement — you know he loves you twice if not three times as much.
𐙚 angst no fluff, the little fight that snowballs into heartbreak
𐙚 1.6k, mentions of cheating, not proofread oops!
𐙚 note // this is my first time ever writing for a group other than nct so i hope you guys like it ^~^ i’m on a break from school, and kpop bedrot has been my best friend thus this was born!! there will most likely be a part two that’s not depressing teehee
at the second hour of this seemingly never-ending fight, jake has yet to show any sign of giving up. it’s baffling to you, who — just as much as he does — thinks you’re the one in the right. you’re sure of it, which is why you aren’t backing down so easily.
“so you’re saying it’s your job to buy a drink for every person that looks miserable at the bar?”
“i’m not saying it’s my job,” he defends, “i’m just saying i saw her sitting alone looking particularly glum and that i had the capability to do something nice for someone, so i did.”
“so you’re playing the nice guy now, huh? you can’t possibly be at fault because it was simply an act of kindness.”
“(name), don’t put it like that. i’m not trying to play at anything. i’m just telling you what i did and why i did it.”
“and i’m telling you that it was wrong, that it hurt, that it might’ve been a nice act to her, but buying another girl a drink is not nice to your girlfriend.”
jake rises from his spot on the couch. he walks a few steps until his back is facing you. his hands are set square on his hips and his head is hung low in disappointment, or defeat, or just dejection, you can’t tell.
he stays that way for a few moments; the heated tension that once shrouded the room is now replaced with an eerie silence. jake breaks it with the most bewildering conclusion possible. “i get it now. you’re jealous.”
at this, you’re caught off guard, though it only takes a few breaths for your surprise to morph into anger. you stand up as well, and jake turns around just as your anger reaches its climax.
“jealous? you think i’m jealous of a random ass girl who seemed to be down in the dumps?”
the furrow in his brow deepens at the thickness in your voice. jake’s countenance is back to a defensive state, but his tone almost assumes confusion when he queries, “if you’re not jealous of her then what’s the issue here? what reason could you possibly have–“
“it’s you, jake.” you take measured steps towards him, tears springing in your eyes from the sheer emotion leaking through your being. your body is almost shaking, pupils quivering, and fists clenching when you push forward, “you’re the issue. you think you’re such a nice guy for buying some girl a drink, when really you don’t seem to understand the insinuations of your actions.”
“what do you mean i don’t underst–“
“were you flirting with her?”
“no.”
“did you express your interest in her?”
“of course not.”
“then why would she come up to me right before we were leaving to tell me that the guy i was with was hitting on her?”
jake throws his hands up as a show of innocence and frustration, “how am i supposed to know why she lied to you?”
“did you tell her that you had a girlfriend?”
“there was no reason to.”
“are you really that dense?”
“what?”
“single guys buy drinks for girls that they’re interested in at bars. come on jake, you weren’t born yesterday. the more you try to make it seem like you were just ‘doing it to be nice,’ the more it feels like you had other intentions that you’re scared to tell me. just admit that you did something wrong, apologize for it, and never do it again.”
now it’s his turn to be caught off guard. you think he gets it, and he’ll do as you say and you guys will both hug and make up and hurry on to bed. however, it doesn’t seem that way. he’s stuck on a single part, arguably the least important part, of your whole entire spiel.
“you really think i had other intentions?”
jake’s challenging you. you know that look well, the one where he feels so severely wronged that his vision blurs and all he can think about is defending himself.
“jake…” you don’t give in to the challenge because you know it’d only fuel him.
“you think i was cheating on you? in front of you? why’s it so hard for you to believe i was just doing it from the kindness of my heart?”
“no, jake…” you try again, but it’s futile. you know from the look on his face that he’s about to say things he doesn’t mean. you know it’s going to hurt.
“fine. if you really don’t believe that my act of kindness was really just an act of kindness then i should be more mean, shouldn’t i? next time you have a group project with a guy in it, i’m not talking to you until the project’s over. you can’t have guy friends, or else i might misunderstand your intentions towards them. if you ever go up to a guy and talk to him for any reason, we’re over. and i’ll apply the same rules to myself. are you satisfied now?”
it doesn’t just hurt. it breaks you. tears are streaming down your cheeks and your heart rate speeds uncontrollably. you’re standing opposite of him, barely able to breathe, and yet he looks close to normal, save for the sternness set in his brows. it utterly shatters you to know that jake would rather break your heart knowingly than apologize for something that now seems so minor.
through hitched breaths, you force out weakly, “so by your rules, we’re over.”
at first, he doesn’t get it. the placidity with which he had regulated his face falls briefly into panic. cautiously, jake lets, “what do you mean we’re over?”
congestion has clogged your sinuses, so you hold your breath as you clarify, “you’re applying the same rules to yourself, aren’t you? earlier tonight, did you not go up to a girl and talk to her? for whatever reason?” any composure jake held on to cracks. his eyes go wide and he takes a hesitant yet desperate step towards you as you hammer in the final nail to his coffin. “you’re saying we’re over, right?”
you have jake backed into a corner. he’d fallen for his own trap, one that he’d built trying to corner you. he’d say he’s ready for it, your attack. he’d even go as far as to admit he deserves it, apologize for it, beg for it. he can’t take back what he did and he can’t take back what he said, even if he never meant to even remotely cause doubt of his loyalty to you, and even if he had sworn early on in your relationship that he would never hurt you on purpose. but even when he’s backed into a corner, defenseless and entirely at fault, you never land your final blow. instead, you retreat.
“i’m going to stay at yeji’s tonight. please don’t contact me until i reach out first.”
you turn away from him and head towards your shared bedroom. jake’s eyes have unfocused and he’s rooted rigidly in his spot. his mind tricks him into thinking that if he doesn’t move, or speak, or hear, or see anything, then this must not be his reality. for minutes it seems, jake dissociates just like this. but the sound of you packing your bag sets his nerves alight, and he’s jolted into action like the galvanization of a dead man emerging from the ground. he awakens to this reality, and the realization that he has to change it.
jake barely crosses the threshold of the door before he’s stopped at the sight of your zipping closed your suitcase. just how long were you planning on leaving for? you look up at him to catch the disbelief and hurt in his eyes. your face has been washed and you refuse to let up anymore signs of vulnerability on your end, so you look back down.
“please don’t go.”
“don’t push it.”
“i thought we agreed to never go to bed mad at each other.”
with your suitcase zipped close, you still your emotions before looking up at him. “i’m not mad at you, jaeyun.”
at the sound of his full name, jake almost dissociates again. his heart has gone completely still. “then why are you leaving?”
you make your way across the room, and he moves to block the entrance of it. you sigh. “i just want some space to rethink our relationship and what happened tonight.”
jake hangs his head low, “i’m sorry. i’m at fault.” but his head snaps back up when he hears you laugh in response, “it’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?”
he doesn’t put up a fight, for he’s done more than enough of that already. instead, he moves out of the way.
you leave.
jake wonders who’d get the apartment if you guys broke up. he wonders what he’d tell his parents who love you so, how he’d break it to layla that her favorite person in the world will never see her again. jake wonders if he could ever get used to the silence in the room that now sits heavy on his shoulders. mostly he wonders if he would ever forgive himself for being stubborn at the worst moment, and being selfish when it mattered the most.
it’s only now that jake thinks he would prefer you yelling at him any day for any reason, over the silence of your shared apartment for the rest of his life.
baratheonpilled
dededos
pixelskylines
jacobvanloon