People always tend to believe na pag mataba ka, unattractive ka.
And naniwala ako don for how many years.
Every night questioning my worth.
Everyday telling myself na "hindi ka kasiryosiryoso"
There are also times na naiiyak ako kasi pakiramdam ko hindi ako deserving mahalin
But along the way, our path crossed again for the third time, my ex (ex manliligaw, ex bestfriend, ex boyfriend)
2011, when we first met. Sabi nya na love-at-first sight sya sakin at niligawan nya ko. That time I was a girl who is strong and confident. Chubby pero they see me as someone who is pretty and smart. Hindi naging kami. And we decided to became friends.
2012, same circle of friends kami, same school. Naging sobrang close kami since naging usual tambayan na ng tropa ang bahay namin. But around 2013, nag college na sya, medyo nawalan na ng contact. Naging busy sya, ako din. Nag ka gf sya, ako din nagka bf. Busy sa kanya kanyang pag aaral at relasyon.
2014, a different version of me was born. During my 2yrs relationship, naubos ako. sobra sobrang pinamukha sakin ng bf ko that time na ang pangit pangit ko na "daw", reason? I gained weight. Hindi na daw ako yung babaeng nakilala nya. Madami nagbago hanggang sa nagloko sya. Dahilan nya nagbago na daw kasi ako. Too much yung sinacrifice ko for that guy. I even cut off ties with some of my friends dahil kamo nagseselos sya. He always insist na magchange ako ng sim everytime may makakaalam ng number ko na hindi nya gusto. I also missed some of bonding time with my friends because I choose to be with him instead. Pero sa huli, sinira nya ang pagkatao ko. Lots of hurtful words that made me question my self-worth.
2015, my ex manliligaw/my ex boy bestfriend came back. He also single that time. As usual close pa din kami kahit ilang taon di nagakasama. Sobrang friendly nya and sociable. Kahit mga taong una lang nya makilala, nakakakwentuhan nya na. To make the long story short, same year of 2015, naging kami. But it only lasted for 6months (June to Dec) Everything is complicated. Parang kaming may label pero walang commitment. He always do things on his own, habang ako nag aalala kung asan na sya, nakauwi na ba sya, anong ginagawa nya. Dec.24, nag away kami. Dec 25, nagkita kami pero di nya ko kinausap. Kumain lang kami sa KFC tapos larga na. Then tuloy tuloy na pang dededma until January 1, I've come to my senses. Pinaglaban ko yung natitirang self-love ko that time. Nakipag break na ko, kasi hindi ko na deserve yun. Weeks after our break up, nanunuyo sya pero one day someone told me na may gf sya and yes pinagsabay nya kami. Kaya pala ganun na lang sa kanya tiisin ako ng isang buong linggo kasi may iba naman pala. I just can't believe it na naging matalik na kaibigan ko pa magagawa akong lokohin. I was left devastated. Lumala yung anxiety ko. Lumala yung pag seself-pity ko. Pakiramdam ko kalokoloko ako. Pakiramdam ko di ako deserving mahalin ng totoo. I've been like that since 2016. Always questioning myself and believing that I'm worthless. I distract myself by the means of kdrama and kpop. It was helpful. I helps me to survive a day without thinking how worthless I am.
2018, we met again. Our paths crossed again, for the third time, my ex (ex manliligaw, ex bestfriend, ex boyfriend)
I'm not mad anymore. But the pain is still there. Because the effect of what they've done to me is still there. I am still worthless in my own eyes because they made me think that I actually am. Life is really unpredictable, or sadyang tanga lang ako. Nagcommunicate kami ulit. Nagsorry sya and nagsisisi daw sya sa nagawa nya. How can I even forgive him e that time sila pa nung babaeng pinansabay nya sakin? He offered me this Oktoberfest 2018, para man lang daw makabawi sya sakin (and trying to fix our friendship kuno) I said yes because never pa ko nakapunta sa music festival and I really really want to experience it. And also because of his lie na alam daw ng gf nya na ako kasama nya. So I am confident na wala akong tinatapakang tao. (And simply because I choose to be stupid to believe on his lies, there, I said it.)
Oktoberfest na, it was our first face to face conversation after our break up on year 2016. Of course it was awkward. After how many cup of red horse, tinatamaan na ko. And nagulat na lang ako hinila sya ng bouncer and pinapalabas na ng venue, so syempre sumunod ako sa kanila. Well it turns out na nagsaboy sya ng alak sa crowd and nahuli sya so ayun nga. We sat on the parking lot, habang nag yoyosi sya. Nagsosorry sya na nasira daw yung gabi kasi napalabas kami ng di pa tapos yung event. At ako dahil nga sa may tama na, I start asking questions. Kung bakit, bakit ganun ginawa nya sakin at kung ano ano na. We end up going to the overnight swimming of our friends, fortunately they did it the same day as oktoberfest so may napuntahan kami kahit napalayas kami don. Actually before mangyare ang pagpapalabas samin scenario, we're actually lowkey flirting na. Holding hands, akbay, hug. (Yes judge me on this one)
So pagdating namin sa resort, alak nanaman mygad. Lambanog pa and ayun I can't even remember paano ako nakauwi. The next day after class, me and my friends decided na mag inom ulit, yes we are bad students lol. So sakto naman na nagtext tong si ex kung ano daw ginagawa ko. And nagdecide sya na sumunod. Nadagdagan pa ang bote namin, then need na ng mga friends ko umuwi so uwian na. Kaso 1am na yon so lock na bahay. It's either uwi ako ng maaga or uuwi ako ng umaga, ganun lang options ko. So tinawagan nya yung 2 tropa nya kung pwede sila mag inom and ayun nga nag continue pa ang inuman and I am so fckng drunk na naaalala ko e umiiyak ako sa kanya ng dahil nga pakiramdam ko sobrang worthless ko and things like that.
The next day nagchat sya using his instagram and he is calling me "baby" our fckng endearment. Sabi nya nagkabalikan daw kami last night. And I can't even remember anything. But ako nga dahil marupok at uto uto nag go ako sa ganung sistema kahit na alam kong may gf pa sya. (Judge me again, I know, my bad.) Pero that time kasi ang nasa isip ko non, nung panahon na pinagsabay kami ng ex ko ang kapal ng mukha nilang lokohin ako so hindi ako nagdalawang isip na lokohin din sya. It went for like 3 months na dalawa kaming gf nya because he can't decide. He's not ready to give up his 3yrs relationship. Hindi madali, sobrang sakit. Alam ko pag magkikita sila, pero di alam ni girl na may "AKO" sa eksena. Nagstart to ng October 14, and on Dec 1, nakipag usap ako sa kanya. I decided na itigil na yung samin dahil mali naman talaga, pero he choose me. Sabi nya hindi na daw nya ko hahayaang mawala ulit gaya ng dati. And ganun nga nangyare. He let her go and decided to make our relationship official. Before ako maing 3rd Party sa kanila, ilang beses na nyang niloko si girl. (Btw, his ex gf is now happily taken)
Sobrang hirap kasi di maganda simula namin. And sobrang dami kong insecurities kaya I always demand a constant assurance. Alam nya na wala akong self-confidence. Alam nya na sobrang negative thinker ko.
He may be one of the reason why I lost myself but he is the reason why I found myself again. This is a loooooong story pero I just want to say na I am still actually fat. Bigger that 2015 (when my ex left me because I gained weight) but I never felt so insecure like before. I gain back my self-confidence and my self-love. I know how worthy I am no matter what other people says.
My boyfriend is a big part of this journey, he didn't see me as someone who is fat, pero nakikita nya ko as someone na na love-at-first sight sya way back year 2011. I am currently trying to lose weight without any sign of pressure from my man because he never ask me to do so. If sinasabi ng iba na ang laki ko, he is always ready to defend me na "wooooy, nabawasan na yan!" kahit hindi pa naman talaga, well sort of pero small changes pa lang. Pero sabi nga nila, "Small progress is still a progress."
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