i don't know what to put here...

23 | male | bay area. im hella introverted(if thats a word) so sharing my work is sometimes difficult

[lost-without-a-cause]

“the warriors reminder”

“i am awake

my mind is free

i am creative

i love myself

my willpower is strong

i am brave

i practice patience

i don’t judge folks

i give, not to receive

i don’t expect 

i accept

i listen more than i talk

i know i’ll change

i know you’ll change

i’ll hold on one more day

i start over when necessary

i create my own situations

i am cosmic

i do not have the answers

i desire to learn

i am the plan

i am strong

i am weak

i want to grow

i know i will

i take on responsibility

i hide myself from no one

i’m on my path

warriors walk alone

i won’t let my focus change

taking out the demons in my range

that’s mama’s gun”

- Erykah Badu

[lost-without-a-cause]

40

Damn i done fucked up now. Everyone can see that im a fucking clown. What was i thinking? Made an ass of myself, guess these are just the cards ive been dealt. cant trade two out in hopes i get a better suit. But what am I supposed to do when i got four 2s? If you play by the rules, then a deuce can be wild. But sometimes you cant play fair, gotta keep a spare card or two up your sleeve, it may seem like cheating, but that depends on how you wish to perceive it. too much craziness and leave you feeling like you been exiled from reality. when all of your stresses have sporadically compiled in the back of your head, its a fuckin tragedy how easily those thoughts can spread, but never have i once thought I'd be better off dead. Depression and anxiety can be crippling, one thought leads to multiple waves rippling and encrypting hateful data to my brain. I feel like im sometimes missing the capability to keep myself sane.

[lost-without-a-cause]

42

Somethings aren't always what they seem, and just weren't meant to be. But i wish i coulda seen things play out like they did in my dreams.

[lost-without-a-cause]

39

Why cant i do the things i want? I got no balls to put myself out there at all, it seems like i dont care but honestly its the only thing thats on my mind. Why cant i fucking find the courage to spit out the words of all my feelings. This self hatred is exceeding the acceptable boundaries. I find it astounding how much ifucking hate myself some times. I think the only way to unwind is through a blunt. But guess what, i smoke too much and my anxiety runs a fucking muck. I need to hit the mats. I feel its the only way i can truly relax. I need to smoke and roll, thats just seems like its my only vice. But the untold place of my true happiness lives through the touch of a woman. It seems like kind of an odd omen, cause i dont when and how to talk to em. When i think too much about it my anger boils up and theres no way around it. My dreams are foiled cause some how my subconscious is toiled in not letting myself find happiness. Its like i only seem to be comfortable when im stuck and smothered in some crappiness. But got damn its so hard to live with myself sometimes. Im emotionally worn out. All i can do is just cry

[30-minute-memes]

Who knew

[lost-without-a-cause]

27

No matter how much has changed One thing still remains the same That all I know is pain The physical Felt like ive had spears driven through My legs. Its like a plague that Wont go away The pain is so unbearable, I tell My doctors and they don’t seem   To care at all My knees feel like they will buckle With ease. My left feels so unstable Im surprised im even able to walk My right causes so much pain, it Sometimes pauses me in my tracks My wrists aren’t much better. Can Barely lift a feather. Can’t swing A bat, throw a punch, or lift weights At that, without a shooting pain In my radius. Feels like its gonna break Again, and I truly am afraid of this. My ankle is always sore, even Though the bone isn’t dead anymore, I fear it’ll collapse just walking in the store The mental I feel nothing but emptiness My stomach and chest are nothing But hollow pits. Wherever I go, I Always feel like something is wrong No matter who im with, always Feels like I don’t belong. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see it, the spot where my Body lies, and where I should have died. The blood, the grass, the rocks, its All so vivid. Since then ive lived Life oh so timid. My struggles have Exceeded its bearable limit. It Brings a tear to my eye, but for Some reason, I cant seem to cry

[lost-without-a-cause]

37 (6 edited)

When I was younger, I wrote about love and tranquility, no wonder cause I felt so un-wrung and free. But over the years you will see, a different pattern of my thoughts and whats real to me, through each one of these soliloquies. feels like I have no one around to care for me. Getting really tired of all this negativity. Self-doubt and loathing unfortunately has taken its toll on me. my mind has been polluted and diluted so much so, leaving the past behind has no real possibility

[lost-without-a-cause]

6

I used to write about love and tranquility but through each soliloquy you will see a different pattern of my thoughts and whats  real to me feels like theres no one around  to care for me getting tired of all this negativity self doubt and loathing has taken  it’s toll on me it’s diluted and polluted my mind so much so i can’t seem to leave  the past behind

[memescomedy]

[anxietyproblem]

[lost-without-a-cause]

14

I don’t know why I have a

Hard time overcoming my shyness

I recognize this especially

When I talk to the finest chick in class

But still I notice it even when

Someone I know walks pass

I cant figure out why its so

Hard for me to say hi

I feel a lot of it has to do with

My self image

In my mind I often scrimmage

Conversation I could or should have had

With the people I know

In my imagination everything

Feels so euphoric

I can get by in life with little

To no complication

Need to find an inspiration to get

Me out of my shell

Its like I’m cast under a spell

Which forbids me from leaving my cell

Trapped in solitary confinement

It feels like I’ve wasted my life away

Now I sit here and wonder just

Where the time went

[showerthoughtsofficial]

If marijuana’s a plant, then a blunt is just a salad wrap

[lost-without-a-cause]

#36 (8 edited)

Everywhere I go, I put on a mask

Nothing but fake smiles and laughs

To everyone that I pass, I do this so

My true emotions won’t show

Sometimes I forget the only task that I had

And leave my mask back at the pad

Revealing to everyone my apathetic tone

I tend to push people away

Not listening to what they may have to say

I dont let no one get to close, because I

Know when you do, that’s how they’ll hurt you the most

[showerthoughtsofficial]

Ancient poets might be rappers but we simply lost the beats they used

[lost-without-a-cause]

21

I am beginning to notice my self Destructive tendencies I try to pretend to be okay with How things are in my life But gimme a second, and Imam tell you what it’s really like I’ve noticed my level of happiness Constantly changes seasons like Earth’s climate I usually keep this private, but now That the truth is alive, it Has no reason to hide Summer Everything is cool everything is fine My friends hit me up and I’m down to ride At this time I’m even doing good in school I’m motivate and driven, my Spirit has surprisingly risen and Ascends for the months to come Fall my motivation is slowly declining I start finding things to complain about I’m losing sight of the silver lining I started to become lazy I wont clean my room, or the dishes I even notice my memory becoming hazy Winter Everything has fallen apart I stopped taking care of myself I don’t even know where to start I feel so hopeless, and ashamed Of what I’ve become I feel like there’s nothing that can be done Spring I’m trying to turn things around I believe I found a way I’m no longer feeling astray I’m starting to notice a change In myself, no reason to complain I realize I’m the god of my own domain But right now I’m stuck between Two different seasons. I’m in the middle of winter & spring I’m having a hard time finding A single thing pleasin’ I’ve felt so numb to everything Going on for so long Now my emotions are in overdrive They’re like a loose cannon Ready to pulverize anything in it’s way As my thoughts continue to Spray and speed up, it’s almost Impossible for me to even keep up

[lost-without-a-cause]

11

do i belong?

do i fit in?

what is going on?

do people like me?

do they despise me?

what am i doing wrong?

should i have done this? 

should i have said that?

am i coming off too strong?

could there have been another way?

why can’t I feel at ease?

when will i start to move on?

[lost-without-a-cause]

Wrote this waiting on my barber...

This is fucking annoying

Been sitting here for almost an hour, thinkin bout deploying my anger

But the problem is, its become such a stranger i dont know how i would act

Normally I wouldn't react. But lately ive been losing my patience

I dont know the exact reason, right now its the fucking fact that hes on the same customer for so damn long

I know i didnt get my days wrong

Shit this dude barely has any hair. How is it hes still im the chair?

But i know i wont even dare to speak my mind.