bc we all love crying over lance, right?
https://archiveofourown.org/works/15134330/chapters/35323920
It feels weird sitting in Red’s cockpit in his civilian clothes.
It feels weird having civilian clothes. At least, it feels weird on Earth. Out in space it was so much easier to detach from the idea. Out in space the war is always going on, there’s never an end only breaks. On Earth, all of it seems so far away.
Lance can see the stars. From here to an untrained eye they look like all the other stars in all the other galaxies they’ve seen. But Lance has memorized all of the stars and the constellations specific to Earth. It’s a relief seeing them all again, he relaxes into the feeling like it’s a warm blanket. There’s still a war going on out there, but here Lance feels safe.
He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting in Red’s cockpit. It was dark when he sunk out of his room, like he was a little kid and into red and it’s still dark now. No sunrise in sight. So, he reasons, he should have more than enough time to sneak back in without worrying anyone.
Ever since he came home a week ago he hasn’t had a second alone. Not that it’s a bad thing. The castle had been his only home since he had gone to space, but it was so big and filled with so few the hallways always seemed lonely. He’s missed the comforted chaos of so many people in one house. He can’t take a single step without bumping into someone and, god, he’s missed it.
But it’s slightly suffocating at times. Going from being at a distance with everyone to having at least one person clinging to you at all times in a second feels like jumping into a cold pool. From the moment he knocked on his door a week ago to now someone has always been with him. Nieces and nephews clinging to his legs, his Mamma hugging him whenever he walks by, one of his siblings always having a hold on his arm or shoulder or wherever they can grab. It’s disorientating.
He used to have to hunt down people to hang out with. Now he has to hunt down places to take a breath.
The problem is he’ll miss it, when he’s gone. Which is probably why guilt threatens to suffocate him when he thinks about getting away for a moment to himself. He’ll miss it. He’ll hate that he didn’t take every moment to be with his family. He’ll regret his selfishness.
Lance tugs his hoodie over his head and slouches into it, trying to hide from those thoughts. Blue would always comfort him when he started spiraling like this, but Red is more hands off. Just being near her both helps and hurts and Lance hates himself for it.
The air around him is quiet, no regular sounds of night able to sneak in past Red. Only Lance’s breathing and the soft beeps from Red’s control panel keep him company. Which is probably why he jumps a foot in the air when a door behind him opens.
In space, Lance would react like a Paladin. Bayard drawn, up and in fighting stance, just in case. On Earth, he reacts like a kid caught in a cookie jar, sinking into his seat and pulling the strings on his hoodie to hide his face.
There isn’t a need to check who it is, Lance already knows.
“Leonardo.” His Mamma whispers his name, the same way she whispered a prayer as she hugged him before he left for the Garrison. It’s the only name she calls him by since he came home. One day he came home and asked to be called Lance, and she had agreed to it, but he hasn’t heard her use that name once in the past week.
“Mamma.” He isn’t sure if she’s here to scold him for sneaking out and scaring him. Before he it would have for sure been that, but now a days he isn’t sure of anything anymore. “What are you doing here?”
She hums softly, footsteps echoing in the cockpit as she approaches. She stops at his chair, but doesn’t touch him. “A mother can always tell when a child is out of bed, you know that.”
Lance coughs out a wet laugh and pulls back his hood to peek out at her. “Could never get anything past you, huh?”
His mother isn’t looking at him, she’s staring straight ahead, out of Red’s window and up at the stars. Not for the first time this week Lance is struck by how much she’s changed. Overall she looks how he remembers and her hugs are still warm and she still smiles softly at him when he comes downstairs in the morning. But now her smiles are accompanied by teary eyes and there’s a furrow in her brows that wasn’t there before. Her hair, the same dark brown that Lance’s is, is streaked with grey. And there’s bags under her eyes that Lance doesn’t remember seeing before.
Everytime Lance thinks about it his throat starts to close up and his eyes start to sting. It’s his fault. Even though no one will directly say it, no one will yell it at him like he deserves, he knows that this is his fault.
“None of you can.” His mother agreed with a little nod of her head. “It’s so I can keep you four safe and out of trouble. It’s my job to always know where you are.”
Lance doesn’t say anything about her voice cracking and she doesn’t say anything about the tears in his eyes.
“It is also my job to know when something’s wrong. So, Leonardo,” she turns to him and cups his cheek with her hand, “what’s wrong?”
He’s imagined this conversation before, it’s practically all he’s been thinking about since his first day back. He was never sure when or where or even how he’d tell her, but he imagined something calmer. Maybe somewhat heroic, telling his mother he would have to go back into space to continue to fight for freedom throughout the universe. Or maybe he’d do it somewhere comforting, in soothing tones at the same place on the beach that she would take him when he was younger.
But now that he’s had time to be at home and unwind the exhaustion of fighting a war has settled deep into him. It’s soaked through his skin right to his bones and left him shaking and fragile. He can’t have this conversation right now, not with his mother. It’s obvious from the way that instead of a response a sob bubbles up from his chest. He tries to bite back the next one, jaw clenched so tight his teeth ache, but it’s no use.
He hadn’t imagined sitting in Red’s chair, his mother sitting next to him, holding him so close he’s half in her lap. She’s whispering, softly, in Spanish, running her fingers through her hair, but he can’t make a word of it out. He thinks she might be shaking too, but he can’t tell.
Outside the ship it’s still dark when he’s finally calm enough to look. His whole body is still shaking so hard his teeth are chattering, but at least he can somewhat breath again. Pressed against her chest, he can hear his mother’s heartbeat loud and true over the blood rushing in his ears. He could fall asleep right here, and never wake up.
“I don’t want to go back.” Lance forces himself to whisper, because he knows he can’t stay here all night. Each word takes up more energy than he has to give, his eyelids droop closed. “I can’t.”
His mother starts humming, a lullaby from long ago that Lance can’t remember the name of. Her fingers tighten in his hair.
“I’ve missed so much here. All of you. I- even at the Garrison, it wasn’t this bad. I don’t think I can do it again. Out there it’s- I don’t know if- I-” almost died he finishes in his head. She can never know. No one in his family can ever know how for a moment out there he was dead, before Allura pulled him back. They can never hear a word of it.
It still shakes him to his core.
“I know, I know.” She whispers even though they both know she doesn’t — she never will know anything close to it — because it’s what Lance needs to hear. “Oh, my sweet, sweet boy, I know you don’t want to leave. You never did. I still remember you trying to get me to talk you out of going to the Garrison because you didn’t want to leave us.”
She lets out a laugh and somehow it’s the brightest thing he’s ever heard. “Your dream since you were a boy, and you were too worried about all of us to dive in head first like you should’ve. Scared that we’d need you, scared of the events you’d miss, of the memories you wouldn’t be apart of. But I didn’t these worries overtake you, because you can’t let us hold you back.”
Gently, she pushes him away just enough so that he can look up at her. She smiles, dampened with sadness but still loving. “You have to go back. You know it, all of us know it. No one holds it against you. It’s not just about our family anymore, it’s about the universe. And if I could I would never let you leave the house again. After spending all that time thinking you were lost to us forever, I never want to let you out of my sight.”
His mother sighs, brushing his bangs back from his forehead. “But I’m not that selfish, and I know you aren’t either. I raised you to not be. So, go, save the universe. Come back when you can, try to send messages.”
“I will, Mamma.” Lance’s voice cracks and he quickly nods. “I will. I’ll send messages all the time, you’ll get sick of them.”
“Just promise me one thing, Leonardo.” She stares into his eyes, already searching for the truth of this promise. “Promise me you’ll come back to me. You’ll come back alive and okay.”
I died out there, Mamma. The unspoken words are just on his lips, tingling and painful.
“I promise, Mamma.” He says instead, and lets her pull him in again.
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