Love Always,Red

Just talking about my Life and struggles I deal with. Maybe you’ll relate and get something from this.

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Being taken seriously

Being a beauty student is a struggle in its own. Trying to learn new techniques, ways to do a certain hair style, etc. Another big side of the struggle, is not being taken seriously as a stylist. Though I am a student, I feel like I have a good amount of knowledge in this field. I do not know everything, I am still learning every day, but I’m not completely out of the ballpark when it comes to hairs and beauty. When people come into the school though it’s like they have already judged us when they walked in. Walking in already thinking because we are students we don’t know what we’re talking about. It’s hurtful. A lot of us students do some great work! It doesn’t stop at people thinking we don’t know what we’re doing. There’s also the judgment of race. I have had many women look at me and ask me if I’m able to do “ethnic hair” because of the fact that I am white. Race has always been something we’ve had to deal with. Meaning all races, it is just degrading knowing that people doubt you before they even meet you because of your race or the fact you’re a student. It sucks. For a while it really bothered me and made me feel like “wow, maybe I don’t know what I’m doing” but the farther I get in school and the closer I get to graduating and getting my license, I thank those people that doubted me because they gave me the opportunity to build a back bone and show myself I do know what I’m doing and I’m damn good at it!!! The day is going to come Very Soon that I’ll be able to make the choices of letting someone sit in my chair and degrade me or not, I won’t have to sit through it if I don’t want to. The day will come I’m taken seriously as a stylist and I WILL shock the world and those that have doubted me. 😊

KICK ASS doing what you love.

Love Always, Red .

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Am I enough?

Confidence is one struggle I have yet to overcome. It has never been easy for me. I want so bad to be able to look at myself in the mirror and love who I see. I don’t know why I can’t but I wish I did. I have always picked myself apart, I sit and look at other and just wish I looked like them. Some days I do feel good about myself but it eventually goes away. Not only have I struggled with it looks wise but also in my relationship. It sucks not feeling like you’re good enough or the man you love so much deserves so much more than what you can offer. That feeling that one day they’ll find someone better, someone they want more than you. Personally I struggle with this a lot. Constantly I feel insecure and not enough. My boyfriend is amazing and it’s not his fault, it’s mine. It’s so easy to feel unworthy, to feel as though he will find someone else. What if he falls out of love with me? What if he finds someone prettier? Someone he has more fun with?

Confidence is such a hard thing to have. Confidence in yourself. Your looks, skills, relationships, your faith. There are so many men and women that deal with this same struggle. Some days are better than others but it is something we deal with everyday. I know that one day it’ll get better and eventually the day will come that I love myself for who I am and for who God created me to be. One thing I’ll never forget that my dad for my sister when she felt this way, was putting sticky notes all around telling you the positive parts of you. It sounds like something silly but eventually the more you see those things the more you start to believe them. I’m not the only one that deals with this struggle and if someone out there needs that person to send them sticky notes or little messages, I will be that person for you. Whether you’re my best friend or a complete stranger I will be that person, because everyone deserves to feel good. This could be something someone you love if dealing with in private so make sure you’re raising everyone up instead of tearing them down, you never know what someone is struggling with in private.

“Self-esteem comes from being able to define the world in your own terms and refusing to abide by the judgments of others.” ― Oprah Winfrey

Love Always, Red.

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School, Work, Family

Holy crap. Life is crazy. Ever since I’ve started beauty school, I’ve been working two jobs and going to school and am trying to balance family as well. Plenty of people go through this same struggle every single day. It is so incredibly tiring. Between October and November, I believe, I moved in with my now boyfriend of 8 months on the 24th. He truly is such a blessing to me. It seemed like a huge step at the time but it felt so natural. It was weird though going from not having anyone depend on me, to now having a boyfriend that does, and a pup that depends on me as well.

Being at school from 9-430, I’m only able to work up to four hours a day, that’s not a lot. A big struggle of mine is knowing that I am not able to provide financially as much as I would be able to not being in school. Attending school and working Monday-Saturday I don’t get to see much of my family, whether it be my side or Devon’s side. Family is so important to me and knowing that my mother and siblings are struggling emotionally, hurts, because I can’t help them.

Some days it seems so easy to quit and just work, that way I can provide financially. Now I have till July and I will be finishing up school and beginning my cosmetology career. I still have days I want to give up but I push through because I know that feeling is not forever. Soon enough I will be at a point that I’m just working and I’ll have more time for family and friendships. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for all the people in my life I wouldn’t make it. God blessed me greatly. Devon’s family is very accepting and loving to me and it means so much. My family is so helpful, mye friends are amazing. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be in school still. I have so many breakdowns because on top of school, work, family, I also deal with my own emotional struggles.

I have dealt with depression for a while now and it is a constant struggle. To know that some days I will feel so low and unworthy and it may be for no reason and I just have to wait it out and deal with that for however long it lasts. It’s hard, it is so HARD. but what gives me strength is knowing how much I’ve already been through and the struggles I’ve already dealt with and I’m still here. If I can make it through those i can make it through anything. I am so much stronger than i think sometimes.

This is not forever and it will pass. I will have bad days but there will always be at least one GOOD thing in each of those, and that is what I will focus on. That is what I will hold onto when times are tough. But also, I’ll hold onto my family and knowing that all of this is for them and to better myself.

This too shall pass.... I promise.

Love Always, Red

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Dad,

Ever since I was little my dad has been my best friend. He taught me to be the strong willed person I am today. Nothing would have become what it is today without him. I remember so many things about him, some good, some bad. For as long as I can remember he was sick. Whether it be alcoholism, smoking, back pain, COPD. There was always something. For a while he let it consume him. Staying home and not being around the family. He didn’t come to school functions, he let that pain take that away from him. Watching that at a young age was hard, seeing your best friend go through such pain all the time, it’s heart breaking. That was just the beginning.

Around 2011, my mother and father decided to split up. My mom moved out and got her own place. Her and I, did not get along. In my eyes, she hurt my best friend and that was that. I didn’t look at her side of it though and what she dealt with. A little while later, they renewed their vows. My dad had totally changed. He went to church every weekend, came to all school events. It was so nice to have him around. He still had that pain and sickness, but he pushed through it.

As the years went on, he continued to get sicker and sicker. I had started dating the love of my life, September of 2017. This is the man my dad always told me about. Always told me I would find. Someone who loved all sides to me and looked at my like I was a prize. He loved me, the way my dad loved my mom. My dad was always so loving, and he loved hard. Even though at times it may have been hard to see, he did. Devon is the same way. They always say you’ll marry someone like your dad. I will. Devon is so much like my dad it’s crazy. I continue to fall more and more in love with him everyday. Unfortunately, he did not get to see the best parts of my dad.

When Devon came into the picture my dad was severely sick. He was in and out of Hospice, on oxygen and losing himself. As the days grew closer the more of him withered away. Days went by too fast. I watched my best friend wither away to nothing. I watched him totally lose himself. Each day got harder and harder.

February 14, 2018. Valentines Day. The worst day of my life.

Just like that, he was gone. It’s a feeling I never wanted to feel. To know the man that helped give you life, that was with you every day, every accomplishment, every heart break, gone, just like that. I know I’m not the only one that goes through this. I had a little bit of peace with it, because at that point, he was no longer in pain. He took his first steps pain free. Days come and go, but the hurt stays. Not a day goes by where he isn’t on my mind. Knowing that he didn’t get to really experience Devon and love him the way I do. Knowing he won’t walk me down the isle when the day comes. Won’t get to hold my children. Those feeling will never go away. But the days will get better. Good days and bad days. There isn’t anything wrong with hurting and crying and breaking down. It’s okay to hurt. But you have to pick yourself up and keep moving, because you may not see it but there is at least one person that needs you, every single day. I will see my dad again, I believe this, and that’s what keeps me going. I tell you this story of my amazing father because I know someone out there is going through the same thing and feeling that same heartbreak. You are not the only one and you will be okay. As cliche as that may sound, it’s 100% true.

Let it hurt, Then Let it go . One of my most favorite quotes.

Love Always, Red