Communication Behind Bars: Navigating Letters, Calls, and Visits
Happy April, readers. Laura here! Aside from the obvious, Eric and I are navigating some pretty different life experiences right now. Blue skies, warmer weather and the spring flowers are well and truly springing in England. Meanwhile, Eric has been in lockdown as a result of state wide illegal strikes amongst Correctional Officers. That could be a topic in itself but I’m saying to say that if this would have happened 18 months ago, communication between us would have been restricted, most likely sending both of us (mainly me) into a spiral. Fortunately, due to the rollout of tablets having the ability for phone calls means that we’ve been able to keep each other sane. As such, we thought it would be a great opportunity to talk about how we communicate when one partner is in prison.
How does your communication style differ now to what it was at the beginning?
Eric: I remember when I first started writing to Laura, I was very reserved. It is often my default, and at the time I wasn't looking for a partner, just a friend. There was no pressure to "perform."
What I would do is ask her some of the dumbest, off the wall questions--which is a tactic of mine to unobtrusively pick a friend's brain. For example, I asked her "if you could have your own country, by annexing some other place, where would it be, what would you call it, what would your title be, what would be the top three laws and what would be the consequences of breaking those laws?"
Our communications have only become more frank and open. We do not hide anything, even embarrassing things. However, there are things I don't ask about because I know women like to keep that feminine allure going.
Laura: Although my writing ‘style’ never changed, I was on my best behaviour. I was conscious that I was talking to someone who had committed a crime that warranted a hefty sentence so I wasn’t in a rush to get straight into the personal stuff. I was quick to set boundaries as I was in a relationship at the time. My focus was to share ‘outside’ things that I thought would be enjoyable to read – if I could bring a smile to a stranger’s face at a time that they needed, I was happy.
As time went on, Eric became my best friend and biggest confidant. I shared and continue to share everything with him (minus, you know, things that could jeopardise my feminine allure). Now I’m more vulnerable, deep and open and significantly more invested in Eric’s mental and physical wellbeing.
What I will say is that the method has changed quite significantly. Our contact was solely email when we started speaking and when phone calls became an option for us, our emails reduced slightly. I love it when Eric sends me snail mail too. When I spot the hand written address with the correctional facility stamp, I go fly down the stairs at break neck pace to snatch it from the letterbox. Not only is it old worldly and romantic, but it’s a way of feeling closer to him. The letter I am reading was PHYSICALLY in his hand. Physical contact by osmosis is the only thing I can get!
How did you establish a communication routine that works for both of you?
Laura: This is going to sound bad, but more often than not, Sunday used to be my day for writing to Eric. My ex would obnoxiously watch football for hours of the day which left me at a loose end and so I filled this time with nurturing my new friendship. As our friendship developed, I’d write to him during the week too. I knew I had a crush on Eric once I started to check my phone obsessively. When I’d get the JPay notification my body would fill with butterflies and I’d be grinning like a school girl. The first time he called me I felt so nervous I considered not picking up the phone! Now, amongst dozens of emails a week, we have a call schedule and date night Saturday. There’s an understanding that we both use our best endeavours to dedicate this time to each other. Without physical contact, communication is everything and should be prioritised.
Eric: At first, as friends, there was no real routine. We talked when we wanted to. When we started dancing around each other, trying to figure what was happening between us, our communications increased. When we were finally together, our communications increased exponentially. But, she works, and I am a full time student, and we also both have "extracurriculars." These days we spend the time making sure nothing gets in the way of us getting together. There are days we set to talk on the phone that are near inviolable. We get grown up things square, and we make time for each other. Plus, there are the nice little "cuz I feel like it" bonuses that happen here and there.
What challenges have you faced when it comes to phone calls, and how do you overcome them?
Eric: Oh, the phone situation was rough. And that is coming from a guy who "had" a phone to go to. Some context: 43 phones in the yard, 30 minute calls, close to 300 men, and 3 hours of yard time. You do the math. The standard operating procedure was that phones were "owned" and run by select groups, and you generally didn't get on phones you didn't belong on. And if you were in a "loop" you defended that phone (or set of phones). There was turmoil, hostile takeovers, and reconciliatory discussions on the phones alone. I was lucky to have been in a loop, and also have respect with enough different peers to move around if I had to. Not a lot of people could do the same.
To that, add the weather. Some winters were brutal, but talking to baby girl was what made the day go well for me. However, people don't know what it's like to stand still, for three hours, in subzero weather, squished in a tiny booth. By the time you're done, you're numb, except for that pain in your back from standing hunched over for so long (the cords are super short, and I'm a short guy!).
Where all of that changed was when we were given phones on our tablets toward the end of the year. We watched as all the WiFi went up and jailhouse twitter speculated when we would be up and running. Laura and I would talk about it all the time, right mama? It killed every worry and concern, especially having to split my attention between her and what was happening around me.
Laura: Right; it was such a game changer for both of us. Although, it did feel good sometimes, knowing that my man was out there in the blistering cold because he wanted to talk to me when other guys stayed warm. Well, I felt bad! But it made me feel extra special.
During the ‘old’ days, if Eric didn’t call me at the time he said, I’d be clock watching. The more time went by, the more I’d worry. Realistically, it would be because he was in line for the phone, but I could work myself into some states.
Another thing that can be tough is never being fully alone; even on the phone. Sometimes I want to talk to Eric about something private. Maybe I want to ask him about something to do with his case, or how he grew up or I want to talk to him about a health concern. We’re 100% open and honest with each other but more often than not, someone else is listening, reading or watching you; someone you may not necessarily want knowing your personal business. We both work together to share what we are able/willing to share and know that we have the rest of our lives to fill in the rest.
Eric: Exactly so. And it is kind of Annoying. Laura is my person, so naturally, I want to talk to her about everything, but I sometimes have to edit myself because of the "minders." What I don't like about it is that it makes me feel as if I am pulling her into this world, which is something I want to avoid as much as possible.
How do you keep your communication meaningful and engaging over time?
Eric: I think a lot of what we have going on, as a couple, conversationally, has a lot to do with the fact that we are both educated people. Popular culture isn't the main thing we discuss, and even when it is, it often leads to deeper conversations. For instance, we may talk about the state of dating today, and it will lead to a reoccurring conversation of ours about what is "manhood" and "womanhood?"
To be honest, though, we are just two grown children and like to laugh and joke a lot. We still ask each other both silly, and serious questions to test each other’s minds. One thing Laura is good with is folding me into her life in a way we can talk about and make me feel more present in her half of our life.
Laura: We’re both genuinely interested in each other. It’s not a chore to ask how the other person’s day was, or how they’re feeling. We’re always want to include each other in things that are funny, interesting or frustrating. I find myself flicking through magazines, books and podcasts that I wouldn’t typically choose to find things that I know we’d enjoy talking about together. I’m constantly writing down things on post it notes to remember to tell him or ask him about. At the end of the day, it’s all about effort. If you’re not equally making the effort; things get stale.
What advice would you give someone writing their first letter to an incarcerated person?
Laura: Don’t feel bad about sharing the positive parts of your life. I still have this conversation occasionally with Eric. He could be having the most frustrating week because something is happening that is limiting his freedom to move at the same time as I’m having a really great day. I see my sharing as ‘rubbing his face in it’ but he sees it as a form of escapism. Also consider the fact that the person you’re writing to is a human being, not an exhibit in a museum. It’s normal to have some curiosity about what they’re in for but it’s personal and probably something they regret. Remember he/she may be unable/unwilling to discuss aspects of their case because it can be used against him/her.
Eric: A first letter? Even if you're too shy to send a picture of yourself, send a picture of something connected to you. We live vicariously through our partners, friends, and families so we like to see things. Ask the person things about their life, not about prison. It allows a person to showcase who they are and talk about things they like without it being seen through the lens of prison. Don't make assumptions about what we may or may not know, because we read a lot...a whole lot.
Laura: Oh! And! Ghosting. It’s really rude to ghost people. When you’re on the outside we have HUNDREDS of people we can talk to if a friendship doesn’t work out. You could be the only person that your pen pal is writing to. If something isn’t clicking for you be upfront, be honest and be kind.
How do you handle the limitations and costs of prison phone calls?
Eric: Well, Laura and I are lucky. We have someone subsidizing our communications. A guy, who is a brother to me, pays for the whole thing. We have often had moments where the phone runs out of money, and he is good at getting things back up and running in less than a 10 minutes.
Laura: True. I’m marrying into a band of brothers, for sure.
Eric: The limitations tend to be about how long we can talk. It may come across as cheesy, but I love to talk to her, and I am by no stretch of the imagination a talkative guy. But I have to be aware of my boy who is supporting us. But! I cannot wait to experience receiving a call from her and burning hours and hours.
What role does visiting play in keeping your connection strong, and how do you prepare for visits?
Eric: Visits are terribly important for a relationship. You want and need to be able to touch, kiss, hold, and talk more privately. It is a good way to increase the intimacy and closeness, but also a way to further solidify the relationship.
How do I get ready? Oh, the best clothes come out. I want to look real good for her, so good form fitting shirts and my tailored pants are ironed and set out the night before. I tend to shower before I sleep, so in the morning I will simply take a shower rinse in cold water, moisturize, put on something that smells good, and get dressed half an hour early. I like to use that time to set my mind to the visit and what is going to happen. The first time we saw each other, I was overly excited and had to calm myself because I didn't want to overwhelm Laura.
Laura: I don’t disagree with what Eric has said in terms of increasing intimacy and solidifying the relationship. Seeing him strengthened our relationship and provided a lot of assurance that this is the real deal. Being in his presence makes me feel happy, safe and comfortable. We have a great time together.
But I don’t want to glamourise visits and I want to speak my truth. I find visitation incredibly stressful and overwhelming. They’re a necessary evil – I dread the idea of prison visitation but it’s worth it to get that time with Eric. I’m going to qualify this because people will make assumptions. I live in England, so visits are incredibly expensive. I don’t have the level of disposable income that makes it possible to fly out regularly. I carry guilt about that and go without certain things in order to save.
Secondly, the facility itself, the facility processes and the staff make me nervous. Until I met Eric, I had never been in a prison. I had never been in trouble in any capacity really; I never even got a detention in school. But I’m made to feel like I’m less than because my partner is in prison. I’m stared at, I’m treated with suspicion, I’m spoken to like I’m in trouble… In a razor wire covered gated fort in a foreign country. It’s unnerving. Prisons shouldn’t be a cake walk for people who have committed crimes, sure. But it should be acknowledged that most of the time, civilians are just there to see their loved ones and go about their business. For the sake of balance, most families you end up getting processed with are friendly and I do have a favourite CO. She’s lovely; firm but fair and nice.
How do I get ready? Panic. Full scale panic. I have to find clothes that are cute but pass the prison rules. I have to obtain as many one-dollar bills as possible for the vending machines. I have to worry that there’s a possibility that Eric has decided he hates me all the way up until he kisses me. Ha! Other than that, I brush my hair and try to smell good.
How do you navigate emotional conversations when you don’t have the option to talk face-to-face regularly?
Eric: We are very open and say what we need to say. And even though we have a phone schedule, we are always open to talking when things are less than ideal in the feelings department. When Laura isn't feeling well, she is good at sending up a "flare" which I will respond to one way or another.
Laura: Unlike conventional couples, we can’t take cues from what’s building up across a day or so. We can’t see body language, facial expression or the atmosphere in the room. So, we have to leave ego at the door and be honest about how we’re feeling. We accept that sometimes we’re going to have bad days, sad days and fed-up days. We don’t try to change it, but we try to support. Despite our restrictions, I know that if I tell Eric that I need him, he’ll move Heaven and Earth to find a way. With great power comes great responsibility though; so, the flare is sent in rare circumstances.
What’s been the most surprising thing about communicating in this situation?
Eric: What's surprising to me is the thought that after close to three years, we haven't slowed down or fallen into a conversational rut. People often say, "I just don't know what to talk about anymore," but I'm always waiting to call or email to tell her something.
Laura: Totally. For me, it’s about how quickly the time passes. Thirty minutes on the phone with Eric is NOT the same as thirty minutes at work. There’s some kind of trickery going on that I haven’t quite figured out.
Eric: It's all about temporal mechanics. It starts with understanding Eigenvalues and vectors! No? Not interested, babe? Seriously, though, we often have trouble getting in everything we need to talk about because we end up chatting and loving on each other. Thirty minutes isn't enough, even when we line them up to equal two hours per evening. I'm also looking forward to a solid few unbroken hours with each other when I am out.
How do you manage misunderstandings when you can’t always clarify things right away?
Eric: We are fully open with each other, and that is something we established in conversation, not "organically." It is what makes emotional issues easy to discuss. We don't hold back from each other, but we take care of how we speak to each other. When it is a difficult situation, I am careful about how I approach it. As is my usual, I will first see what part I had to play in the situation, and approach it from there. When something is my fault, I have no problem apologizing. Plus, I don't argue. I'm not a person who thinks argument equates to passion--I show that in other ways. To me arguments never get anything substantive done, so I am never looking to dunk on my partner by arguing.
Laura: This is an area that Eric is significantly better than I am at navigating. I’m not forthcoming when I’m feeling angry, worried or upset. It’s a mix of not wanting to ruin our time together and experiences in my past where I’ve not felt heard. I’m getting better at communicating ‘negative’ emotions because Eric is so patient and validates how I feel. We both go into emotional conversations with the focus that there is no attack and defence; we’re on the SAME team.
Eric: Right. And it is understandable that a person would see that we have a limited time, and n want to mire it in negative things, but that is not real life. We take our partners and all that comes with them, from one day to the next. It is my responsibility as Laura's partner to shoulder part of her feelings, and what might be going on during her day. I cannot let her hold on to these things that should be addressed immediately. Laura does the very same for me, when I need to gripe about something or need outside assistance, she is solid.
What creative ways have you found to stay connected beyond just letters, calls, and visits?
Laura: LBB is one of those things to help us stay connected – we love a little passion project. We music playlists that help us feel connected. We’ll send little recommendations to each other to let the other know we’re thinking of them. We have cooking/dinner dates. It’s extremely important to me that Eric is involved in my/our life even though he’s can’t physically be here. So I’ll include him in important home decisions like what colour paint I should use to decorate OUR home, what furniture I should buy for US etc.
Eric: Well, Laura and I are hyper competitive, so we play games with each other. We also watch movies together, read together, and listen to podcast together. We have quite a few activities we have fun doing, which do spark long conversations. We often don't finish what we are doing for all the talking.
How do you maintain intimacy and closeness despite the distance and restrictions?
Eric: We really bare our hearts to each other. We are both very naked and vulnerable with each other. We really cherish those moments. Then there is the Really. Good. Phone sex. We are very sexually intimate as far as our situation will allow us...I don't know if Laura is going to want to talk about this, but it's totally true.
Laura: Oh God. I’m cringing… but I can’t disagree. We flirt outrageously with each other and we’re vulnerable with each other.
Eric: See. Told you she wouldn't want to talk about it...
What’s the hardest part of waiting between visits, and how do you cope with it?
Eric: OK, so, being able to cope between visits is easier for me, I think. I concentrate more on supporting Laura through what she may be feeling because for me it's a matter of turning it on and off. When you are in a place like this, you have to learn how to compartmentalize well. I don't get many visits, so you learn how to deal with that by making it not matter as much when you don't have it, and making it everything when you do. I have more room to pour myself into understanding how Laura feels and trying to help her cope. A secondary focus is to prepare for the next time we want to see each other. Thinking less about what I'm missing, gives me more mental space to plan our next moves.
Laura: It’s not the wait between visits that’s the hardest for me. The hardest part for me is the goodbye at the end of the last visit. I cried more than I’d care to admit on that last day and the first couple of days home. The feeling of walking away from your person and not being able to say when you’ll be back? It’s painful. I cope through distraction. I have an intense job that I love, I have a home to maintain and family and friends to be with. Occasionally, that doesn’t work. Then I’ll try to be practical and we’ll talk about planning for our next visit.
How do you balance sharing your struggles without burdening each other?
Eric: We simply share our struggles. There is no "burden." The thought that what is hers is mine, and vice versa is something serious to me. It is literally my responsibility to carry my part of her feelings. I also understand her limits as to what she can do for me, when I am going through something. It is why I often let her know that I just want to gripe about a thing, and she is very good at listening and validating my feelings or letting me know when I am wrong and need to be thinking differently. One thing is for sure, no matter what is going on, we are open with each other.
Laura: I echo that. You hear this concept all the time about ‘it’s 50/50 in a relationship’. Eric and I are 100/100. We’re all in. We’re a team and we take our roles in that team seriously. If Eric comes to me and says he can’t give 100 because he’s at a 40, I’ll carry the 60 and vice versa. We’re strong as individuals and we’re strong as a couple so it’s never a burden; its about being the best team and covering each other.
How do you celebrate special occasions when you can’t be together in person?
Eric: We celebrate our special days with little get togethers over the phone. We might call on days we normally wouldn't, take in a movie together, buy little gifts for each other, or simply spend the most precious thing we have on each other: time.
Laura: How very poetic babe. I think we should close out on that line.
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