love, angela

[loveenji]

Good day today! It’s been more than a week since we last saw each other although we’re mostly on call everyday but iba pa rin kapag magkasama. Mag-ttake kami ng midterm exam sa Network Technology kaya magkita kami sa school. That didn’t went too good kasi nauna siya natapos sakin tapos iniwan niya ako sa faculty. For some reason, natrigger ako dun kasi I was expecting na sabay kami lalabas sana. I really don’t know why, I know OA naman talaga ako most of the time pero I was so upset about it. I texted him na bakit hindi niya ako hinintay. So nangyari, nakita niya ako sa hallway tapos dere derecho lang ako ng lakad. Plan talaga namin mag-hang out sa bahay after exam. Pagsakay ng jeep di ko siya pinapansin, inaya niya ako mag-samgyup so ayun kumain kami. Overall, it’s really nice but at the same time ang bitin ng oras. Ganun talaga eh no, time flies when you’re together. Ang saya ng araw kaso bitin talaga 😔. Pagkauwi, I helped him with an activity sa programming tapos we watched yung replay ng PRX game. Suddenly, I got notif from an email na bumili daw ako ng valo points. Which is di naman, kaya tinanong ko siya. Sinend niya sakin screenshot na he bought me yung sheriff from the myst bloom bundle. 🥹🥹🥹. Sabi ko play kami para matry ko, and magsheriff lang ako the whole game talaga. So ayun, sabi niya sheriff lang pagkakita ko— he bought me the whole bundle… what the heal??? Aiya this guy. It was really really pretty!!! I was really surprised like really. Although for the time that we knew each other, he’s not the kuripot type and he’s really generous in terms of giving. At the same time, I’ve known him as a practical person. He’s smart with handling money, I’ve known him as the type of person who wouldn’t spend on things like that. Sa sarili niyang account he only has one vandal and one knife skin. I was really shocked and very much touched with this gesture. I don’t know paano mag thank you nito. I am so happy. Also, this is the first bundle I got and he’s also the first person to buy me a skin on valo. This guy never fails to surprise and make me happy hayyy. Thank you, Denrei, my love for making me feel that I’m not hard to love, that I deserve wonderful things. All those failures and heartbreaks has been worth it.

[loveenji]

Hi, it’s 5 am and I can’t sleep because I drank coffee earlier. A lot of thoughts are rushing through my mind. Thinking about how this has been technically my first official relationship. I trust my partner. I was just thinking about how scary that is. I guess, I can say that it freaks me out when there’s something I can’t control. And I acknowledge that this is something beyond my control— his actions towards the trust I put in him, the things he do, etc. Thing is, I accept that. I remembered in some random landi experience, someone made me feel like I’m crazy. Maybe, I’m actually crazy. But tracing back, I think it’s me reacting about something I can’t control and it’s more of fear. Now, my partner is very much wonderful and never makes me feel bad about my feelings. However, I still feel afraid of trusting. I think the fear will always be there but I trust him anyways. At the back of my mind, I’m scared of the uncertainty but he’s made me feel safe not just physically, but emotionally. Little by little, I’m learning to let go of things that’s out of my control. I actually am quite surprise with myself. I’d often overthink a lot about different scenarios that would cause me anxiety and I wouldn’t calm down until I get to hear what I wanna hear. However, I’m slowly unlearning that. I think this comes from a greater fear of being trapped in a relationship where I am not loved and wanted. I would rather much be alone than someone staying with me cause it benefits them, or that they pity me, or just cause we’ve been together for a long time. I don’t wanna be scared of being alone nor starting again. Being with someone but miserable is way scarier. That has been the force that drove me to try and let things go and focus on things I can do. I still have so much work to do to heal from this. Changing my mindset is one step and I’m proud of myself for it. Although, I also know that healing isn’t linear. I may not be like this on some days but I know I’m trying. And my partner has been good on assuring me and giving me security in our relationship. I love my boyfriend so much and I’m thankful for the peace he’s given me. It’s just weird how at some point, I never thought this would be possible. I thought it’s normal that you’ll always overthink and get scared of things especially as a person with anxious attachment style. It was never easy and it might even come to a point when you’d be suffocating for your partner. Luckily for me, he has handled me so well on times I’ve been vulnerable about my feelings. Never invalidated me, but at the same time he doesn’t tolerate me when I’m wrong.

Forgot to add— that this goes both ways. That if I’m feeling anxious about some things, he prolly does too.