I love The Last Battle because almost every other Narnia book is from the Pevensies/Eustace/Jill’s perspective but since this one is mostly focusing on Tirian, we get insight as to how truly strange it is to be just a guy from Narnia and all of a sudden, these Children show up and are all like “yeah, we helped your great-great-great-great grandpa get un-kidnapped and we also helped his dad sail to the edge of the world and also my cousins are the most famous kings and queens in your history and oh by the way we also know the people who were there for the literal creation of your world.” But they’re still Literal Children and well. Children
on the last battle and I absolutely love how Jill and Eustace get immediately adopted by every adult they meet in Narnia. Puddleglum was going on an extremely dangerous mission with them within two hours of meeting them because by the lion’s mane these children need a chaperone. Tirian was calling Jill “daughter” and “sweetheart” constantly. It’s just so sweet
Batman: Yes ... Why are you looking at him like that?
Spoiler quickened her pace and stood in front of Green Arrow. He smiled, waving, making Spoiler flutter her eyelashes.
Spoiler (love striken, looking the man up and down): Heh, heh, you're purdy.
Batman: Spoiler, don't lie to him.
Spoiler: Batman, look at this man! He's hot! Sir, sir, you are foine! Look at this suit!
Batman: Arrow, are you going to say anything?
Green Arrow: I mean ... She's not wrong.
Spoiler: His voice is as smooth as I dreamed. Can I hug you?
Green Arrow: Yeah sure.
Spoiler squealed, hugging Green Arrow, then sighed happily. Batman groaned, standing by and tapping his foot impatiently. Black Canary walked over, eating a chocolate bar.
Added author's note: I wasn't implying that Stephanie had a good home life. I know even with her fixed relationship with her mom there's still strain there, but I just wanted to write this to show off Flash and also Steph doesn't lack empathy nor passes up a chance to make Batman jealous.
Flash!Barry (recounting how his mom died): And that's the story.
Spoiler (Stephanie Brown) covered her mouth, sniffling then ran over and hugged Barry. Batman rolled his eyes.
Spoiler: You sweet cinnamon roll! You've been through so much and yet your smile shines bright.
Flash!Barry: Yes, I am also a cinnamon roll with spice.
Spoiler: And don't you forget it.
Batman: Spoiler, a majority of us have dead parents or just terrible ones.
Wonder Woman: You don't have to remind me I'm technically related to Zeus!
Aquaman: I'm just here.
Spoiler: Ignore him, he doesn't like hugs or comfort or closure. This handsome fella does and I will give him a proper hug.
Flash!Barry: Thanks Spoiler.
Spoiler: No prob, I wish my dad was cool like you. He's a bunghole. Never treated me right. I'm happy you got to have a good relationship with your mom.
Flash!Barry: Thanks again. How could someone mistreat you?
Spoiler: Right, but if you need a blonde mother figure, mine is free and having a big Christmas dinner. My ma is good cook... she's not insane... anymore.
Flash!Barry: That is tempting, I might bring my family there too. Oh and also I made Batman cry one time if you ever want to hear that story.
Flash walked off normally whistling to himself. Spoiler followed him begging to be told the story.
Batman (trying to stop her): Spoiler. Spoiler. That is private information.
Green Arrow: It's weird being a grandparent sometimes, but like in a good way. Roy and I didn't have the best relationship, but... when we made up, he let Lian meet me more. She's such a sweetie... Roy will always be my son and... He sees me as his dad and now I'm a granddad. It's nice you know?
Flash!Barry: I actually do get what you mean. I'm glad we can share that. Batman, what about you?
The two heroes turned to Batman while the Dark Knight glared at Green Arrow filled with jealousy.
Batman: Oh look at you two grandparents. It's not all it's cracked up to be! My kids will have kids when they're ready!
Green Arrow: Isn't Nightwing around my son's age?
Flash!Barry: My nephew is around his age too and has a nice family.
Batman: How about both of you shut up or I'll enact plans on you.
The Justice League if when they started teaming up they were similar to Mystery Men and accidentally led to the final push that killed a depraved war criminal king pin crime boss (you can insert your own character here too)
Wonder Woman covered her mouth horrified. Superman vomited off on the side and Batman was stunned.
Batman (his usual stoic tone gone): Oh my God... Oh my God, we killed him.
Green Lantern!Hal (eating his granola bar): What do you mean "we?" I was right here.
Superman: I said check for a reset button!
Wonder Woman: There was none!
Superman: Neither of you checked!
Batman: This isn't Spaceballs! There's no giant self-destruct button or stop switch! You are a moron!
Superman: I didn't flip the big switch! You both did! His possible death is on your hands!
GL!Hal (snooping through the kingpin's storage bins): This guy has the lost Wu-Tang album in a random box? Score!
Green Arrow: What the hell is taking— Oop, oh, he's been turned to... stone?
GL!Hal: Sort of! The trap he was... strapped in warped his body until it turned into that. Whoever set this up wanted him to suffer. He's mega dead, though.
Superman (in denial): We don't know that yet!
Wonder Woman (panicking): Oh, this is bad.
Batman only groaned, covering his eyes.
Green Arrow (indifferent): Hal, where did you get that granola bar?
GL!Hal: In the dude's desk. He has— Or had them stashed away in the top desk drawer. These are the fancy type. No point in leaving them here. This dude was like a hoarder and a predator. Yeah, one of the bins has illegal burn-in-hell content.
GL!Hal paused taking a bite from his snack.
GL!Hal: He was dead either way. These bars got chocolate chips in 'em.
Green Arrow: Oh... Hm... Not an important life lost, then. I'm going to rummage through his stuff. You three figure out how we can make this look like an accident. Hal, give me one of those bars!
Wonder Woman: This never leaves here. We walked in on him already dead-
GL!Hal: You flipped the switch! I doubt... like they'll be suspicious of that.
Wonder woman: They who?
GL!Hal: There's always a 'they'.
Green Arrow: Yeah Diana, don't be ignorant on big brother.
Wonder Woman (rubbing her forehead, frustrated): He's dead and in a way that is embarrassing. I can't even brag about this.
Superman (pinching the bridge of his nose): Why does his human flesh smell like pork?
Batman: I knew this would happen! I never have to deal with this in Gotham!
Wonder Woman: Yeah, you just let the mashup of Marilyn Manson and Jared Leto kill them for you!
Batman: You swore to stop making that false comment! At least I don't have a villain that's a furry! Mine wears latex!
Wonder Woman: You have a villain that shoots condiments!
Superman: Hey, hey, hey instead of bickering in front of the possible dead man... One of us should check his pulse! Maybe he's still alive.
Wonder Woman and Batman paused their bickering, slowly turning to him, both glaring at him with bewilderment shock that he said that.
GL!Hal: One of you going to check? The smoke from his head means there's a chance!
Green Arrow laughed. Wonder Woman glanced to Batman, waiting for him to go over and check for a nonexistent heartbeat on the dead man.
Batman: He's dead. What do you want me to check? His charred arm or incinerated throat? Superman, you brought it up.
Superman (squeamish): Nope, I'm good!
Wonder Woman: This is a really bad look for us. This can't get any worse.
Right as she said that, Flash (Barry) ran into the room to check what was taking the group so long. Once he saw the warped and charred corpse in the torture seat, he whistled, less horrified and more surprised at seeing this.
Flash: What in the world did I miss?
GL!Hal: They killed a guy. We're eating the dude's snacks, going through his stuff. He was a creep, though, pretty sure we gave a bunch of victims closure. Oh, this dude has E.T. the video game! Score!
Flash: That was a good tl;dr. Did anyone check for a pulse?
Flash attempted to, and what was once the man's arm snapped off like plastic being broken off a doll's arm.
Flash: Yeah... I don't think he's going to pull through. Ah, well.
Green Arrow: Just throwing this out, the man was a monster. We— Well, those three, killed a genuinely awful, irredeemable man who would be a waste of prison resources.
Flash: He's... I hate to say this, because it would mean I'm agreeing with Ollie, but he's not wrong. He got a fifty-year sentence dropped on a BS technicality.
Batman: We don't kill—
Wonder Woman slapped her hand over Batman's mouth.
Wonder Woman: Wait, wait! We can work with this. He was already strapped to the chair when we got here.
Superman: And whoever did it is gone and planned for him to die this way.
Batman (after shoving WW hand away): You two can't be serious. We are not staging this. Hal, speak up—
GL!Hal (amazed at the man's warehouse of treasures and trash): There's a bag of human hair in here... just hair. Oh, and a Rolex. Nice. What were you asking me? How we should stage this? Have you ever heard of autoerotic asphyxiation? We can make this look like that!
Batman: I have no part in this. I'm going to stand outside and put a mental block in my brain now.
Batman walked outside, averting his eyes from the charred, remorseless criminal.
Green Arrow: Want me to call Zatanna to see if she can wipe this traumatic—
Batman: Fuck you!
Green Arrow: Geez, can't take a joke. She's never done that in this universe.
Flash: Yeah, but I get it. Did you say he had bags of human hair?
GL!Hal: Yep... Just hair. Weird, right? Like that's not just me?
Flash: Very weird. I'm going to burn a lot of this stuff. Supes and Wondy, make this death look believable.
Wonder Woman: I'm slightly concerned we're all unfazed by this, but... he was a monster.
Superman: I miss my wife. When I get home, I'm hugging my wife. That's all I have to say.
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