I Want Love

Love me.

[lovemeplease1017]

31 March 2018 01:19 AM It's Black Saturday whereas I should be repenting for my sins but here I am committing more sins as if I don't truly value my Christianity. I couldn't help sinning. And I couldn't help myself avoiding sins. How to turn your back from your usual habits which mainly means disgracing the name of the Lord? I just feel that I am becoming a more horrible person as time passed by rather than becoming a better human being like I should have been and supposed to be. I suck at being human. Few moments ago, rain drops echoed like angry pellets on the roof top. But now, they became gentle above. I should have been sleeping right now but I just felt that it was the right time to be awake and be so lost in my own thoughts. I do not know. I just do not want to turn in for the night. Or maybe it's the caffeine in my system? Even I am a horrible human being, I still need rest. Maybe I deserve it a little bit. Seriously speaking, I do not even know why I am writing this. All I know is I really don't know what to make out of my life lately. My life has just one big routine; it's like I am a character in a movie, doing the role I was supposed to without having the right to do what I really want as it feels like one big script.

[lovemeplease1017]

I want to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. I want you to feel that somehow you care about me. But it’s beyond impossible. Everything between us is lies and deceits; it’s our foundations so everything right now is crumbling down. 

[lovemeplease1017]

I am too tired of everything. I just want everything to end. 

[lovemeplease1017]

I feel so sorry to myself. I never knew that I would be as desperate as this for someone’s attention and love. It seems that the only thing I haven’t done is to beg for that person to stay in my life. Fuck. What’s so wrong with me? Yes, love is indeed a powerful feeling. But I never knew that it has this strange capability to twist my reasonable thinking; almost giving up who I truly am; forgetting my moral, ethics and values. 

Why is it so hard to see my worth? Am I not really worthy? Am I simply that kind of person who can be replaced or left hanging in the air for an instant? I just couldn’t get it. Both love and life are unfair, I must deal with that horrible reality. 

What do I have to do just for my love on to stay and see me as who I truly am-- the imperfect and flawed human being who knows nothing but to show and extend his deepest love and affection for someone he truly cares about and loves with all his heart. 

[lovemeplease1017]

Fuck this never ending sadness in my system. How could it be so endless despite my efforts to shut them down? I am exhausted with this kind of set-up in my life lately. It feels like I am only spending the day to get over these emotions in me for which I believe is impossible since feelings are stitched to every one of us. And with each passing day, my state is getting horrible. Darn. What do I have to do?

And as I typed these stupid and senseless words, the feeling of emptiness is in me again. We just finished our phone call. It should be bring me joy, right? But it wasn’t that way. You dropped the call for a reason I don’t know. Maybe we don’t have much to talk about. Then I tried reaching out for you again. You didn’t pick up. Great, isn’t it? So here I am, saying hello to my dear great old friend known by many as sadness. Darn. Can’t you ever see my worth once in a while? 

Through our phone call, you said that you’re texting with this someone for almost the whole day, what a lovely news for the night. Why? Since you’re not even replying to my messages today. Well, what can I expect? I am nobody. I am just someone you turn to when you’ve got no one to talk with or you’re just bored. Fuck. 

And the paranoia in me kicks in again. I don’t know if I can survive it this time. 

[lovemeplease1017]

My paranoia is kicking in again. And I feel so helpless and miserable. Why did I end up like this? I just want this to be over but I seem not to know how. How? Darn. It’s the consequence of my choice of allowing that person to enter in my life once more. I shouldn’t blame anyone but myself. If I end up as a crazy lad sooner or later, I don’t know. Would I still be able to remain our memories? 

[lovemeplease1017]

I wish adulthood is easier as spelling your full name or eating your favorite dessert. 

[lovemeplease1017]

My state is getting worse with each passing day; my paranoia keeps on getting horrible with each passing day; my mind always runs into a circus or a roller coaster ride. And I know for a fact that it isn’t healthy. But I cannot do anything about it. My mind works that way. No matter how hard I try to ignore those voices echoing inside my head, I couldn’t deny their existence. They’re there. They’re real. They make me feel horrible. To top it all, sometimes I feel like I am going to snap like a fallen branch and there’s no more remedy. 

I am not crazy, I know that. But I feel like one. As I’ve said, my paranoia is too much to contain. One minute, I am relieved and feeling perfectly alright. The next thing I know? I am feeling down as hell because of those consuming thoughts. It may be absurd (to some) but I just feel like that sooner or later, I may need to go to a psychiatrist to stop all of these. I don’t know. Hopefully, that won’t be necessary. 

[lovemeplease1017]

what do we do if the monsters we try to  conquer came back into life, stronger as they used to between the  silent screams of the night-- whereas we try to divulge ourselves with  the uncertainty of reality? what do we do if our hearts stopped beating; torn in half yet we  even felt more dead when it used to pump unstably?

what do we do if everything we used to believe in this mundane  experience were deceits-- breaking and tearing us apart making us wonder if we can still all make it out alive? 

what do we do if we lost all the capability to spring back  from trying too hard yet always  plummeting from the highest ground of all the efforts that resulted  with nothing but err to the deepest level of succumbed emotions?

[lovemeplease1017]

Honestly, I am no longer happy with whatever is happening in my life. I am not even sure if I am taking the right path for me to be there. I am lonely as fuck since my heart is being played from time to time. I am stupid, as always whenever I have the feelings for someone. And what’s more appalling is the fact that this time, I am allowing that person to pulverize me. My stupidity and imbecility are both at their finest. I no longer know what to do. And sometimes, I asked myself if He is still heeding to my prayers. 

[lovemeplease1017]

OMG!!! U're back!

did you miss me? kidding. yeah, but i still couldn’t write. good morning!

[lovemeplease1017]

I have a strong desire to talk with interesting people but the sad truth is I am also in a reverend fear to initiate the first move to talk with them as I have this fear in me about getting ignored. 

[lovemeplease1017]

I’m terribly exhausted of dealing with this melancholy that has been consuming me since the day I couldn’t remember. All I ever wanted is to be happy, am I asking too much? I desire to be with you, to be happy with you yet it appears to me that no matter how badly I long for it, destiny and fate keep on standing in our way. Or you? Or me? I don’t know. I am just not feeling alright. At all. And I truly missed that kind of emotion-- the true and genuine sense of delight that could radiate into others as well. Will I ever get out of this? Will I ever get out alive?

[lovemeplease1017]

Honestly, I am tired; of my horrid thoughts as the night kicks in; of my feelings that I don’t know if still legit and valid; of my ghosts and monsters I keep on feeding as I stay in my past; of my frustrations that seem to be never ending; of my skeletons smiling back at me every time I open the closet; of the people around me. And sometimes, I just want to give up. But then, I know that it isn’t the solution; it isn’t the only option. So I will just tell myself that I was born for something great; that I was born to be great. With that simple positive thought, at least, I can carry on. 

[lovemeplease1017]

It is alright to be lonely, right? It is okay not be okay, right? It is legit not to feel good about yourself or the things around you, right? My feelings are valid and I should not apologize for it, right?

[lovemeplease1017]

With each passing day, the frustrations in me keep on getting worse. And I do not have any inkling on how to fight them. I feel like the things I’m doing and I’ve done are always not enough for me to get to the place I always wanted to be. i always feel like I am a loser. I always feel that I am just a nobody who’s darn existence didn’t matter at all. I always feel that I am going to end up to a place I don’t truly desire despite all the efforts I keep on exhausting. I am tired of feeling like this. Can this just be over? 

[lovemeplease1017]

Is sadness never ending? I am getting tired of it. For some strange reason, I could feel that it’s somehow suffocating me. These days, this is the main emotion in my system. No matter how hard I try to exert my best effort to find joy and happiness, it appears that they’re never enough; forlorn and bereft will always prevail. This is madness. And I am sick and tired of it. Can’t it just be over? All throughout the day, I’m wearing my pretentious masks and fake smiles for the people around me not to notice that I am silently screaming and slowly dying inside. It is such a hard task to maintain, for your information. 

I am trying to ponder to figure out the reason of this overwhelming loneliness inside me; the monsters of my past, the ghosts of my previous actions, my frustrations towards life, my brokenness in love, the feeling of being nothing are some of the main reasons I could come up with. Am I the only one who’s like this? Please, don’t tell me that I am the only one since it would make me feel more horrible of myself than I actually am right now. 

I need to do something but I don’t know what. I need to seek for happiness and be my old version yet I have no idea at all. This sadness is overpowering that it can almost consume and control me. Can you help me? Can you save me? Since I couldn’t even save my own self from my own sorrows and miseries.