A Midnight Tryst

just some random things i like

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

untitled 2/18/2020

Days and nights are strobing by Every exhale is a sigh. I turn my skin to bird feed And it drips and pools in this glass cage.

Pretty little things flitting above And all around and in and out, And I think I know how to love, But every morning I have my doubts.

All you harpies and all you doves, All you stars are never enough.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

escapism 12/x/20 19

I– self medicate To eradicate the emotions I "exaggerate" I penetrate the soul of a celibate I celebrate the work I put in for a better fate. I hesitate to cerebrate all the things I did to elevate You

My empathy's a double edged sword Cutting to the chase, I'm more than I can afford I reminisce about days I used to be bored Now depression's got me hanging from a tight cord, I am a ball and chain to the only dame Who ever preferred to say my name, We're both to blame, we're up in flames If it's really all the same I'd Like to move on.

This poem is not meant to be a love song Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been that long So who could blame me for crying? But I'd be lying To say that it's much more than chemical imbalance. So I sip cheap wine from a wooden goblet I call a chalice, Just an inexpensive cup I got at Goodwill. Saved it from going to a landfill Now I drink from it every night ’til I fall ill, That was a metaphor for my finding validation in every sensation This tinder date is screaming to the nation I wish I wasn't dissociating while I eat out, I can barely see her clit through the bleak shroud.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

another bad love song 1/15/2020

Shades of Gray shades of blue. This rainy night sounds like you. Treading an ocean of sighs. Warm warrior lays off to the side.

Getting colder, feeling older, Getting closer, little bolder. Walking long the edge don't scare. Peering down to make sure you're not there. Jumping in the dark our past. For you, I could make these seconds last.

She tells me think of all the times– Girl I think of it all the time. Nothing's growing out of our Ash. Smoked us up and now we're cash. Drowning in these grey seas of blue. Now all my good dreams are of you.

Cuz you,

You been in living the cracks, hiding in the stacks Of my mind, shelved away for a brighter day

But these days are getting colder, And we're both just getting older. Why can't we be getting closer? Do you want me to bolder?

You said the universe Wrote this song of us. Put our names together– Could we be forever? Rise above the nether.

These sublunary ties, Dirty little lies, Crafted by the mind To keep our hearts inside

And my sleeve is too clean. My heart don't belong to me. My heart don't belong to me.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

still 11/25/2019

Yesterday I am falling in love with you. I am still kissing you for the first time. Still tasting nicotine on your tongue, Still reveling in the rough softness of your chapped lips,  Still entangled in all of you ? As the rain washes away all my better judgement  To make one more bittersweet mistake.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

“you’ve consumed my life” - Lily 11/24/2019

I eat the things that love me Their light dies in my belly, Digested by my desperation. My addiction to that electric Drug rush of awareness That validates my vain existence Fuels my ravenous, unstoppable Appetite for those lovely lives That join themselves to mine. These words are the event horizon. The spaghettification of your sympathies Will fuel this vile game for years Until no light in existence Dare shine in the cold burn of my ether

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

for Lily, in the end 10/25/2019

Too bright, too hot, too fast How come we couldn't last? I wanted to be wrong, I should've knocked on wood, I'd go one more round if you could. This might be our last song

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

for Lily, playing pretend 10/x/2019

I don't know if I'm in love, I've been on the fence. What if it's only real When it doesn't make sense? What if I can only feel If I say it's just pretend?

Could we just pretend Until it maybe never ends? Would you be my wife If I said it was real life?

Could I tell you that I love you? If I said that would it crush you?

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

for Lily, our first morning 9/27/2019

Morning came, and it found us wrapped up in your sheets Playing hide and seek with the rest of our week. If all’s the same, I’d rather stay here and pretend to sleep We’re half past a dream, Our hearts are on sleeves, our shirts are on the ground, no one else the whole world around, you taste like breakfast in bed.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

untitled 9/20/2019

my heart is an onion wilting, and as the layers fall off and hit the ground, they melt into a puddle right at my feet, and i’m drowning in all the walls you’re breaking down, my landslide, choking me on the smoke we blow in each other’s eyes that we can’t even look into for more than thirty seconds, the time it took for me to see the light turn on behind your eyes and feel the warmth of it on my face. Now I’ve gone and sunken to the floor of an ocean of my own cobwebs, so tangled at the bottom of all my misconceptions, we can’t even see each other now.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

untitled 7/10/2019

I feel like dandelion seeds You blow me away

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

untitled 1/19/2017

My fingers look like tree trunks, Their wrinkles like wood grain, Age carved into the lines running up and down my hands. I wonder, if someone cut me open, Would they find the layered rings Of the walls that grew around me over time? Every new year, a new tragedy, Every new tragedy, a new barrier.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

untitled March 19 2016

In the willow, the wild one sleeps, for as long as possible, without a peep. In the willow, he dreams of death Through every abysmal, drawn out breath. In the willow, he hangs his head, even though he would hang instead. In the willow, he lies in wait To fall for annihilation's lovely bait. In the willow… in the willow… There’s no living in the willow. This temporary death steals our sighs, Spreading water weights across our eyes, Coaxing us into a solemn slumber, Wherein our days are surely numbered.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

a nightmare come true August 19, 2016

It’s going to storm soon, I can feel it. The clouds barrel down the sky darkly, sinisterly, as if they’re snarling at us to get inside. Or else… Every door and window we pass by is shut tight, every light turned off, every noise muted. It’s just us out here wandering through these streets looking for a shelter from the lightning starting to flash across the sky. The first real crack of thunder bellows out of the clouds and shakes us in our bones. My friends are the only thing keeping me going; I’m terrified.  It hasn’t started raining yet, but at this point I start to preemptively pull my jacket collar up to my cheek in anticipation of the wet cold. Suddenly a streetlight blows out a few blocks down. I can see my own terror reflected in the bagged eyes of everyone around me. We turn tail and start back in the direction we came from. Same thing.

This time I turn around and I’m alone; no one else on the sidewalk, in the street, maybe in this entire world as the clouds like coal dust swallow the streets in every direction. I’ve never been one to be paralyzed by fear, so I start running down a side street only to be met with the same horror. A one-eighty degree turn throws the same view on my face. In every direction, the storm is only three or so blocks down. Then two, then one.

I see lightning flash across the air right above me, igniting a fear in me I haven’t felt since I was a child, just before the angry mouths of this tempest crawl up my skin, suffocating me. There’s no light in the end. Only darkness.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

for rhiannon, in the end

Breath mints bloom down your throat, Freezing your mouth and turning your kisses cold, The same sweet succulents I give to everyone, But you, hungry, grateful appreciative Inhaled them with a promise to swallow. It took a long time for ice to surface on your lips, But already made of sugar they were as sweet as ever. Only now they belong to the winter, And sighs and songs and half hearted lies Lay burrowing into the smothering snow.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

untitled May 30, 2017

Every second I move through, I break a wall, Hurtling through one roadblock after the other. At this point, the future is a towering concrete slab, Cold, unimpressive, probably dirty from other people walking on it.

In every footstep behind me, a shell I shed. Fading colors, blurring outlines, translucent, But these ghosts still pull on me, like I’m stuck in their shoes Yesterday I was beautiful. Yesterday I am tired.

Chicago wind throws curses at my window, They bounce off like hail, but it doesn’t mean I don’t hear it, And the sound of ice shattering against glass rings in my ears. Now I am awake, and my chest is heavy, but hollow all the same.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

for rhiannon, after the end May 30th, 2017

Wisps of your hair dance To the siren song of lake Michigan, Snakes mimicking the breakers Crashing in front of our feet. I hold you against me, Lending my heart for you to lean on, And we sit focusing on the sun Taking it upon itself to kiss our necks When we could not, And the gulls' chorus carried off too far Into a horizon full of half hopes. Still, it was enough, and while eventually The sun grew weary and sunk into tomorrow, We learn to warm each other again.

Until you leave me to freeze forever.

[lovenotesandcatharsis]

depression is an ocean Aug 1, 2018

Way out here in the deep blue sea Only the gulls and the waves hear me. I call smell the fire burning up my dreams Sun was too hot, the lonely sailor screams Ears ringing with the roar of the silence waiting ashore All that's left is sleep and promises to keep. The road from here is steep, and I’ve no time to weep.