The Low Churchman's Guide to the Solemn High Mass @lowchurchmanguide - Tumblr Blog

Notice

The staff of the Low Churchman’s Guide would like to wish our readers a tastefully restrained Christmas and a New Year free of prolix ritual and ostentatious ceremonial.

Subject Index

Parts of the Mass: Eastward Celebration, Introits, The Last Gospel, Minor Propers, The Peace

Other Liturgical Services: Choral Evensong, Compline, Midnight Masses and Vigils, Processions, "Solemn" Things

Liturgical Year: Advent, Ember Days, Octaves, Septuagesima, Sexagesima

Vestments: Amices, Chasuble, Copes, Dalmatics and Tunicles, Maniples, Wearing Cassocks

Headgear: Birettas, Canterbury Cap, Mitres

Footwear: Organ Shoes

Architecture: Narthices, Reredoses, Rood Screens, Stained Glass

Liturgical Objects: Aspersoria, Bells, Candles, Incense, Monstrances, Sedilias

Decorations: Altar Flowers, Liturgical Colours

Support Staff: Armed Vergers, Masters of Ceremonies, Religious Communities, Subdeacons, Surpliced Choirs, Thurifers

Library Essentials: English Hymnal, Ritual Notes

Composers: William Byrd, Herbert Howells, Palestrina, Victoria, Healey Willan

Scholarly Endeavours: Gregorian Chant, Latin, Mixing Liturgical Books, Obscure Books, Patristics, The Sarum Use

Christmastide Customs: Christmas Eve, Christmas Ornaments, Lessons and Carols, O Antiphons

Pious Practices: Addressing Priests as Father, Genuflection, Oracular Confession, Rosaries

Other Cultural Practices: Complicated Weddings, Gin, Satire, Swimming the Tiber

Administrative: Hiati, Notice (again), Tearful Farewells

Alphabetical Index

ale, ginger, diet, suitability for consumption with tomato aspic: Octaves

Anglicanism, individuals responsible for destruction of: Masters of Ceremonies

Antipas, Our Lady of: Patristics

apparel, bathing, impractical: Swimming the Tiber

artwork, sacred - assessed market value of, as basis for order of incensation: Thurifers

attendants, strangely dressed, screaming: Swimming the Tiber

battle, ritual, as means of advancement in acolyte guild: Masters of Ceremonies

baubles, Romish: Christmas Ornaments

bells, Sanctus - tintinnabular delights of: Healey Willan

beverages, spilled on bishops - disciplinary measures appertaining thereto: Dalmatics and Tunicles

black - saying, while doing the red: Victoria

boots, sturdy, worn with business suit, smart, by Fathers, Church: Patristics

businesses, local, insignia of, as decorations on vestments: Amices

cancer, common causes of: Incense

capabilities, nuclear, likelihood that Ritualists may be developing: Aspersoria

ceremonial, ostentatious, undesirability of in conjunction with ritual, prolix: Notice

chamfering, hiltronic: Eastward Celebration

churchmen, loyal - poorly written misrepresentations of: Satire

churchmen, loyal - punctilious and methodical publication habits of: Hiati

churchmen, loyal, missile attacks upon - role of rosaries in: Rosaries

closets, broom, use in storing surplus clergy: Sedilias

dephlogistication, anaerobic, as warning sign of pharyngeoskeletal complications: Genuflection

eel, electric, as official fish of liturgical season: Advent

faces, seemingly innocent, of young church musicians - concealment of grim papal visage thereunder: Organ Shoes

flum: see tuft

foliage, verdant, used to hide images of the Pope: Altar Flowers

fungus, massive, as metaphor for Ritualism: Christmas Eve

glurge: see whilf

graves, watery: Swimming the Tiber

harvests, saffron, firstfruits of, appropriate measuring instruments: Mitres

Heathen, Lesser - Conditional Rebaptism of: William Byrd

hermits, nineteenth-century, one-eyed, as translators of Portuguese psalm commentaries: Obscure Books

Hoadly, Bishop, devotional value of sermons: Choral Evensong

homes, roamed in by buffalo, requested by Ritualists: O Antiphons

lettuce, histories of, writing - use as penance: Oracular Confession

Lichen, Our Lady of: "Solemn" Things

limbs, artificial, not to be tolerated as accessory to choir dress: Wearing Cassocks

lungs, incense-blackened: Gin

mâché, papier- : Dalmatics and Tunicles

maniples, black, rite of: Liturgical Colours

Martinmas: Christmas Eve, Liturgical Colours, Midnight Masses and Vigils, Obscure Books, Septuagesima

Masses, Requiem, said for souls of parishioners with unsatisfactory tithing records: Liturgical Colours

Matins, Said, and Commination, commended as suitable Christmastide service: Lessons and Carols

medievalists, dyspeptic, and palaeographers, scrofulous: Sarum Rite

meetings, with parish priest, discussing his crypto-Romanist tendencies - general ineffectiveness of: Armed Vergers

monks, dyspeptic, and abbots, scrofulous: Sarum Use

neckties, setting fire to - penitential benefits of: Sexagesima

Pittsburgh, Our Lady of: Reredoses

pom-pom: see glurge

posts, blog, reading on home computers - appropriate liturgical garments: Copes

priests, lawless gangs of: Compline

Ritualists, gin-swilling, rosary-clutching, warning signs that one may be surrounded by: Addressing Priests as Father

Ritualist worship - grim and joyless character of: Minor Propers

Ritualist worship - irresponsibly hedonistic character of: Minor Propers

St Alphege, relics of - sale at coffee hour: The Peace

St Alphonus - patronage of elbow pads: Christmas Ornaments

St Bridget, hymns to, by Palestrina: Surpliced Choirs

St Christopher - patronage of pterodactyls: Stained Glass

St Enodoc, anticipated Solemn Sext of (transferred): "Solemn" Things

St Fulgentius of Ruspe, relics, tranferral of - Commemorations: Octaves

St Gondulph of Maastricht - patronage of dead languages: Latin

St Januarius, Conditional Rebaptism of the Oblates of: Complicated Weddings

St Januarius, invoked to send plagues of rickets against loyal churchmen: Palestrina

St Lucy, detached eyeballs of: Narthices

SS Perpetua and Felicity, invoked to prevent entanglement in one's vestments: Amices

St Philibert of Jumieges, dubious nature of cultus: Processions

St Samson of Dol, merits, supererogatory, four: Ember Days

St Stephen - patronage of tinsel: Christmas Ornaments

St Ursula, Benediction of, with a Solemn Angelus: Complicated Weddings

St Wilgefortis: Christmas Ornaments

St Winifred, octave, second day of: Octaves

shoes, ill-fitting - effects upon Ritualist ceremonial practice: Introits

tongue, forked, and disloyal heart: Gin

Toronto, Ontario - Ritualist dive bars of: Healey Willan

towels, lavabo, amphibian entanglement: Copes, Introits

tuft: see pom-pom

Ulaanbaatar - as holy city of Ritualism: Eastward Celebration

vestments, subatomic inspection of: Dalmatics and Tunicles

Virgins, Seven, Requiem Dance of: Complicated Weddings

wails and yelps, blood-curdling: Choral Evensong

watercourses, famous, Italian: Swimming the Tiber

whilf: see flum

Tearful Farewells

The editors of the Low Churchman's Guide to the Solemn High Mass are sorry to announce the cessation of this informational series. Despite the importance of the Guide as a source of reliable and accurate information in a world besieged by Ritualism, the task of composing and fact-checking our articles has taken time away from more important tasks, such as picketing outside Ritualist churches and throwing rocks through stained-glass windows. It has further come to our attention that numerous social ills exist that do not fall under the direct purview of the Ritualist movement, a non-exhaustive list of which would include "dancing," "fantasy novels," "Velcro," "automobiles," and "flavoured vodka." The retirement of this series will therefore allow our staff the freedom to protest against a greater variety of un-English and undignified modes of happiness.

In its short existence the Low Churchman's Guide has exposed the dangers of organ shoes, narthices, Compline and other horrors to a generation apparently oblivious to their mortal danger. Critical acclaim for the Guide has been extensive, recognizing our writers for their "noxious attitudes" and "constant poking fun. . . a repeated revelation of his own ignorance and lack of understanding." The many honours showered upon the Guide might tempt our staff to an attitude of unbecoming pride, but we remain true to the agenda that motivated its foundation in the first place: if even one person has been dissuaded from embarking upon a Ritualist career through reading our work, then the Guide has served its purpose. Such thoughts will provide reassurance and comfort as our editors embark upon new projects.

Although the Guide will no longer be updated, we are confident that the existing articles will provide materials of practical use to other low churchmen bewildered by the extent of Ritualist perversity. Its contents will also no doubt be useful to future generations of scholars attempting to trace the genesis and extent of the Ritualist phenomenon once it dies out, as it soon surely must. To aid these researchers in their efforts, the last official act of our staff will be to index our existing content under practical subject headings.

At this juncture it is traditional for an editor to extend a word of thanks to his readers for their invaluable service in making the publication a success. Loyal churchmen do not acknowledge the weight of tradition as having any determinative force, however, and in any case it is not clear why one should feel obligated to thank readers who contributed nothing toward the material support of this publication whatsoever. Our staff wrote all of the articles; you had only to read them. We hope that you will not send us letters of condolence or attempt to contact us in any manner; we do not plan to respond to any such messages.

Notice

The staff of the Low Churchman’s Guide would like to wish our readers a tastefully restrained Christmas and a New Year free of prolix ritual and ostentatious ceremonial.

Christmas Ornaments

In the early years of the Ritualist movement, the populace could protect itself from danger by the simple expedient of staying away from Ritualist places of worship. Pedestrians could be warned away from the infested area by a perimeter of police tape, which would serve to minimize any potential danger until the arrival of a team of specialist loyal churchmen with appropriate equipment. Because of the failure of the civil authorities to contain the Ritualist threat adequately, however, liturgical ornaments began to spread from the church precincts where they had originated, and to appear even in private homes. Arriving at the home of one of his co-workers for a Christmas party, the loyal churchman must remain constantly on his guard. If the house is full of devotional medallions, strings of beads and images of St Wilgefortis, there is no time to lose: the affected items must be removed in sealed bags for proper disposal and the home itself must be burned to the ground.

The task of tracing this infestation must ultimately be left to future generations of epidemiologists. We are concerned here merely with noting some of its most obvious and pernicious manifestations, especially the custom of decorating one's home with Romish baubles during the later weeks of the Advent season. This custom has become so widespread in modern society that even many loyal churchmen have become inured to it, apparently unaware that by festooning their homes with "Christmas wreaths," "Christmas trees" and "St Stephen's tinsel" they risk lifelong damage to their health and a possible infection of the entire neighbourhood.

While the majority of "Christmas ornaments" are intended as decorations for the home, there are also particular garments associated with the process of Christmas decoration: because they are not worn during the celebration of the liturgy itself, it is generally assumed that these are paraliturgical vestments. The most popular such garments include the St Nicholas hat, St Rudolph antlers and St Alphonsus elbow pads.

Swimming the Tiber

A seasoned Ritualist is unfazed by situations that would terrify a normal Englishman. A loyal churchman would run for his life if he found himself in a dark stone building filled with poisonous smoke and flickering torches, surrounded by strangely-dressed attendants screaming at him in a foreign language, but among Ritualists this experience is known simply as "going up for communion." The Ritualist does, however, have one Achilles' heel, which is his inability to swim. One does not need to spend long in Ritualist circles before hearing of another hapless victim who has "swum the Tiber." Such swimmers are spoken of in hushed tones and with a horrible finality: the departed Ritualist's former friends commiserate with each other on what could have possessed him to take that fateful swim, describe how much they will miss him, and awkwardly change the subject. Although they never state this explicitly, it is clear what has happened; their former friend lies in a watery grave, and the Tiber has claimed another victim.

A loyal churchman, of course, would never actually visit Rome, and so we must rely on a copy of Baedeker's for information on this famous Italian watercourse. Therein we search in vain for any mention of an undertow, swiftly-moving currents or poisonous jellyfish. Oceanographical authorities unite in describing the river as placid in movement, greenish in colour and unappetizing in smell; it is not clear why this specific body of water would exert such a fateful attraction to Ritualists. Even allowing for the Ritualist's impractical bathing apparel, the fact that generation after generation loses their lives in the same foreign river with no apparent measures being taken to alleviate the problem would seem to point to an astonishingly high degree of incompetence.

Less frequently, Ritualist fatalities are associated with other bodies of water, such as the Bosphorus, the Elbe, Lac Léman, and the Great Salt Lake.

Dalmatics and Tunicles

The dalmatic and tunicle are two vestments essentially identical in form but different in function, belonging to the appurtenances of "solemn" liturgical services. The dalmatic is worn by the deacon, while the tunicle is worn by the subdeacon. These terms, of course, are inexact, since the "subdeacon" is a mythological creature and the "deacon" is often not a true deacon but a fully-grown priest, ordered to serve in this menial role as punishment for spilling his drink on the bishop at a reception.

A matching set of tunicle, dalmatic and chasuble in a specific liturgical colour is known as a "high mass set." Such a set may also include stoles and maniples made from the same fabric, but this is not strictly necessary, since if these items are required they can be made by members of the altar guild using papier-mâché. This is an important cost-saving measure for Ritualist parishes, since a high mass set requires special care and is extremely expensive: the replacement value of an antique high mass set often far exceeds the annual salary of the priests who will wear it. For this reason it is not uncommon for the vestry of a Ritualist parish to return newly-assigned priests to the diocesan offices for reassignment if their complexion and facial structure are ill-suited to the parish's vestment collection.

Scientists have as yet been able to discover any difference between the dalmatic and the tunicle. This may indicate that the garments are in fact identical, or it may simply mean that the distinction between them is only observable at the subatomic level.

Victoria

The repertoire of many Ritualist choirs includes musical compositions in the Latin tongue attributed simply to "Victoria." The large and growing catalogue of works sold under the Victoria brand name includes the Missa O quam gloriosum, the Missa O magnum mysterium, the Missa Et ecce terrae motus and the Missa Dic nigrum fac rubrum. While the last-named of these is surprisingly catchy, the majority of these compositions are wholly without musical merit. It is thought that their performance in Ritualist worship constitutes a sort of elaborate inside joke, an interpretation that is supported by the occasional description of these works as "parody Masses." But obtaining a printed copy of a "Victoria" composition only increases the confusion, since the music is printed not in correct English but in a sort of cipher using black dots and stems on a grid of horizontal and vertical lines.

Are these compositions written in a nigh-unbreakable code, or is this so-called "musical notation" a meaningless joke? Most loyal churchmen incline toward the latter opinion. Performances of the "Victoria" pieces vary too much from each other to be renditions of a stable and accurately notated original, and despite numerous hearings of these compositions our writers have been unable to detect a familiar hymn tune anywhere within the musical texture. It seems likely that the pitches of a "Victoria" composition are simply made up by singers on the spot. These performances also contain traditional improvised embellishments, such as the ringing of bells during the "Sanctus" and loud coughing during the "Agnus Dei"; these additions are typically in a different rhythm from the vocal parts and seem to be aleatoric in nature, suggesting that the "Victoria" phenomenon is influenced by the continental avant-garde.

For Ritualists to perform such musical compositions at all is already in poor taste, but for them to besmirch the name of the late Queen by associating her with these compositions is an unforgivable impiety.

Hiati

The department of loyal churchmanship has received numerous congratulatory messages from readers of this publication, expressing their approval on the recent resumption of our publishing schedule after a six-month hiatus. This came as a considerable surprise to our editors, who were not aware that any such interruption of communications had taken place. Our investigation has revealed that all of the posts written for the Low Churchman's Guide between June and December of the present year were intercepted and destroyed by Ritualist covert agents, perhaps using a special jamming device on their rosaries.

The loyal churchman cannot help but be struck by the injustice of the attitude displayed by our readers. If the Low Churchman's Guide were edited by Ritualists, one might expect its publication schedule to be irregular and unpredictable, with new posts appearing according to its editors' merest whims. But it is deeply unkind to interpret such capricious behaviour to loyal churchmen, who are known for the methodical, even punctilious approach they take to their publishing activities. That even seasoned readers of this publication would make such an elementary mistake is further proof, if any were needed, of the extent to which Ritualist propaganda has poisoned our civil discourse.

Minor Propers

In broaching the subject of "minor propers" we enter one of the most complex and disputed areas of Ritualist liturgical practice. Among the most eminent scholars of Ritualism, a consensus exists that "minor propers" are a sort of musical composition performed by surpliced choirs. However, beyond this level there is substantial disagreement about the nature, import, and significance of "minor propers." They are sung, apparently at random, at various points in the liturgy that seem to have no especial theological import: during the entrance of the priest, for example, or immediately before the reading of the Gospel.

The use of "minor propers" illustrates one of the most striking features of Ritualist worship: its grim and joyless character. "Minor" propers are aptly named, since they are typically written in a dirgelike minor key and sung at a funereal tempo; this has led Gorham and other scholars to conclude that minor propers may be a kind of Gregorian chant. To the loyal churchman, music in minor keys is clearly inappropriate for religious services, as it evokes memories from times of great national sorrow.

Minor propers exemplify a second characteristic feature of Ritualist worship: its quality of uninterrupted and irresponsible hedonism. The music of the minor propers is of considerable complexity in its melodic and rhythmic structure, so that it can only be performed by singers of great musical accomplishment. It is not surprising that Ritualist music should come to such a pass, since the Ritualist expects nothing more from the liturgy than to be entertained, requiring ever more elaborate musical settings to arouse his interest. Such a practice is, of course, a betrayal of the essentially solemn and dignified character of divine worship.

Some Ritualists claim that the singing of minor propers is necessary in order to have a "valid Mass." The loyal churchman is not sure what a "valid Mass" is, but hopes that he has never attended such a function.

Healey Willan

Most music lovers will be familiar with the works of Healey Willan: one can hardly go to the opera house without encountering yet another revival of his opera Deirdre, and his C-minor piano concerto is a staple of public radio. It is not as well known, however, that Willan also wrote organ music and choral works for the Anglican liturgy. Indeed, Willan's life story can be read as a cautionary tale of the dangers faced by musicians tempted by Ritualism. Tempted by the alluring odour of incense and the tintinnabular delights of Sanctus bells, Willan abandoned the symphony and concerto and began composing in such Ritualist genres as "motets," "responsories" and "vimpas." Yet the riches and fame promised to the young composer never materialized, and Willan's musical talents proved totally unsuited to the composition of Ritualist liturgical music; despite the efforts of Willan's modern-day admirers, it seems unlikely that such efforts as "Rise up, my love" will ever be popular.

Brought up in a staunchly low-church family in south London, Willan engaged enthusiastically with the ecclesiastical struggles of the time: his 1910 master's thesis on "The Plainchant Revival As a Special Case of the Decline of Western Civilization" is still much read. Three years later, Willan emigrated to Toronto, Canada, attracted by the opportunity to serve at the large parish of St Paul's, Bloor Street, a noted haven of loyal churchmanship. Yet it was in Toronto that Willan's journey to Ritualism began; isolated from his British colleagues, the young composer soon became an habitué of Yonge Street's Ritualist dive bars, where gin-sodden acolytes plied him with second-class relics in a haze of incense smoke. Within a few short years Willan had given up his job at St Paul's and moved to the nearby church of St Mary Magdalene, where the parish's "advanced" Ritualist liturgical practices provided some small consolation for its much lower salary and distinctly subpar acoustics.

Although Willan never achieved any particular distinction among Canadian composers, he had some success as a teacher, with pupils including John Weinzweig, Pierre Boulez, John Ruskin, and Benedictus Appenzeller.

Satire

Given as they are to dissolute living, Ritualists are notoriously frivolous. Fixated upon the externals of worship, the Ritualist lacks the powers of concentration and introspection required to discuss serious subjects with an appropriately sober and solemn disposition. Instead, his characteristic mode of expression is one of mockery and derision, gazing upon the sincere and unaffected piety of loyal churchmen with a contemptuous sneer. Because the Ritualist knows that he cannot outmatch a well-informed loyal churchman in thoughtful debate, he instead subjects his opponents to calumny and ridicule, in the hope that his audience will confuse his invidious caricature of the loyal churchman with the real thing. This libellous practice is known as "satire."

Satires, or parodies, are an essential part of Ritualist culture. Knowing the arguments of loyal churchmen against their idolatrous liturgical practices to be unanswerable, Ritualists take refuge in snide and poorly written misrepresentations of their opponent's arguments. Since the allegedly humorous quality of these parodies is short-lived at best, a constant stream of new satirical writing is necessary in order to reinforce the belief of Ritualists in their own cleverness. It would take a brave reader indeed to survey the full extent of Ritualist satirical literature, whose mean-spirited character is tiresome in the extreme, but a few of the better-known examples of the genre will convey its basic flavour: a non-exhaustive list of well-known Ritualist parodies would include S. J. Forrest's "A Clergyman in Black," E. L. Mascall's "The Ultra-Catholic," Victoria's "Missa O quam gloriosum," and Browning's "The Ring and the Book."

In some Ritualist circles it has even been suggested that the Low Churchman's Guide to the Solemn High Mass is itself satirical. This accusation is as inaccurate as it is insulting. Loyal churchmen have no need for satire, knowing as they do that their arguments are logically sound and historically irrefutable; the facts of the matter speak for themselves. If our descriptions of the evils of organ shoes, candles, and altar flowers seem to you to be anything other than dispassionate and objective reportage, your mind has probably already been irremediably corrupted by the poisonous ideology of ritualism.

Patristics

Among Ritualists, it is accepted that the truth of any doctrine can be established by appealing to the Church Fathers, those learned and sapientious divines whose writings established the teaching of the Church in the years before the council of Syracuse in AD 451. The study of a Ritualist priest is incomplete without a leatherbound set of the writings of the Fathers, complete with a concordance that allows him to search for a particular topic of interest, such as the liturgical use of altar flowers. The sagacity of the Fathers allows them to solve even the most intractable of liturgico-theological dilemmas: if I Vespers of the feast of a Confessor coincides with II Vespers of a Martyr's Receptionist Out of Eastertide, all during the Privileged Octave of a I Class Double Commemoration of Our Lady of Antipas, the wise Ritualist will not even begin the necessary calculations and rolling of dice without first consulting the discussion in the De Octavibus of St Hilary of Poitiers.

Although it is agreed by all that the writings of the Fathers provide a complete and sufficient statement of Christian doctrine, this principle often proves difficult to work out in practice. Apparent contradictions among their writings are troubling to inexperienced Ritualists: St Basil's recommendation to use an aspergilium to sprinkle the congregation with holy water seems to be in direct contradiction with Niceta's insistence that a freshly-cut hyssop branch must be used for this purpose. The attempts of Ritualist scholars to reconcile such problems as this have produced some of the greatest works of Ritualist patristic scholarship, including J. V. MacKillip's Jerome as Self-Psychoanalyst and W. G. N. Farriop's magisterial survey Capitalization Practice in the Cappadocian Fathers, Deutero-Isaiah, and von Balthasar.

The loyal churchman approaches the Church Fathers with trepidation: it seems likely that the work of these early theologians must have some value but their co-option by Ritualist scholars makes it difficult to separate their own ideas from the tendentious interpretations of MacKillip, Farriop, and their ilk. The above illustration gives some impression of the damage that has been wrought by generations of patristic propaganda: here John Chrysostom, Basil and Gregory the Great are pictured wearing the Ritualist accoutrements of stole and chasuble. As sensible scholars and loyal Englishmen, the three theologians would undoubtedly have eschewed such superstitious garments in favour of a smart business suit and a pair of sturdy boots.

Sexagesima

A would-be Ritualist must quickly learn to master the numerogesimal system, which is used to organize a substantial part of the church year. While the majority of Ritualists begin counting down the days to Easter from Septuagesima Sunday, a minority favour extending the system to cover the entire liturgical year, so that Advent Sunday of the past year would have been numbered as Octadecagesima and Christmas as Thursday in the Octave of Quinquadecagesima. Whatever system is chosen, any Ritualist is supposed to be conversant enough with this numbering system to calculate the numerogesimal date of any day of the church year without errors, and a person who confuses Hentricontagesima with Dotricontagesima is likely to be cast out of the parish as a Low Church spy.

Sexagesima Sunday continues the theme of Moderate Penitence begun on Septuagesima. Parishioners are encouraged to adopt a grim and forbidding expression, but more extravagant displays of contrition such as rending one's garments, setting fire to one's necktie or bursting into tears during the Confession are considered to be in poor taste. The appointed lectionary reading for Sexagesima features the Parable of the Pearl Divers, which is interpreted as a metaphor for the Christian life: just as the third pearl diver risked asphyxiation to recover the pearl of great price, so we are called to risk starvation and malnourishment in our program of Lenten discipline. In keeping with the aquatic theme of the day, Solemn Evensong of Sexagesima is traditionally followed by a mussels-and-champagne reception.

Septuagesima

Nine Sundays before Easter, Ritualists celebrate the festival of Septuagesima, or "Fool's Lent." Septuagesima inaugurates the season of preparation for Lent, which is itself a period of preparation for Eastertide, which is itself a period of preparation for Martinmas. Accordingly, Ritualists observe some of the customs associated with Lent itself - purple vestments, the suppression of the Gloria and Te Deum, anterior genuflection, and non-toxic incense - even though the Lenten fast has not yet officially begun.

A popular custom associated with this season is the "burying of the Alleluia." Because "Alleluia" will not be said or sung from Septuagesima until Easter Eve, the preceding Sunday's worship includes a special "Alleluia Office" - a variant of Solemn Evensong, differing from the normal Sunday office in that an Alleluia is sung between each verse of the Magnificat, a Te Deum with seventeenfold Alleluia is sung instead of the Nunc dimittis, and each word of the Apostle's Creed is pronounced "Alleluia."

Many Ritualist churches use the arrival of Septuagesima to involve the children of the parish in the changing of the liturgical year. To bring the vivid symbolism of Septuagesima to life, a small child may be chosen to play the role of the Alleluia: as the Alleluia is banished from the liturgy, the child is ceremonially chased out of the church, struck with hyssop branches, and buried alive.

Eastward Celebration

Eastward celebration, ad orientem, the eastward position, facing the altar, al dente e molto appassionata, hiltronic chamfering - whatever term is used in your area, it refers to the same practice, namely a celebration of the Eucharist in which the priest faces towards the high altar at the east end of the church. Since most members of the congregation choose to sit in the nave (the liturgical "west end" of the church), this means that the priest will be facing away from the congregation, giving them an unimpeded view of the pattern on the back of his chasuble as in the above diagram. In many church buildings, of course, the chancel does not actually face towards geographical east, but it is considered rude to point this out, since Ritualists have a poor sense of direction and are easily confused.

Eastward celebration has several obvious advantages: it provides the priest an unimpeded view of the reredos and spares him unnecessary embarrassment if a cassock-ironing accident has left unsightly burns on his face. However, the practice of ad orientem is currently mired in controversy. Its proponents argue that the eastward position is to be preferred for its symbolic value: when both priest and people face east, they are united in a common posture of prayer and supplication, orienting themselves toward the holy city of Ulaanbaatar. Critics of the eastward position argue that having the priest face away from the people undermines the sense of the Eucharist as a communal meal, and indeed makes it impossible to verify the identity of the priest without special equipment. At a parish in Stamford, the Sunday Eucharist was celebrated ad orientem each week by a retired priest for more than eighteen months before members of the congregation realized that their vicar had stolen a large sum of money from the parish and moved to Argentina.

Developing a balanced view of the pros and cons of eastward celebration would require us to reconstruct the floorplans in the earliest Roman basilicas, using the most recent radioactive dating results to establish a provisional chronology of church chancel architecture and cross-referencing these data with the descriptions of early Christian liturgy in the works of Macarius, pseudo-Quintilian and deutero-Aristoxenus. Fortunately, it is not necessary to do this. The loyal churchman rejects both eastward and westward celebration on the grounds of their Ritualist origin, expecting the priest instead to celebrate the Eucharist from the north end of the Table as described in the 1662 Prayer Book.

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