#exposed
Do you even understand why I want to start this? You of all people should know I put people before myself & never have enough reason to hurt someone until now...but even now I'm still hesitant about starting this not because I'm scared of what you have to say about me but because it's not in my nature to do something like this. Although, knowing how heated you are rn you probably don't give a shit as much as me lol. I'm not gonna say our relationship was shit because to me, the time we had when we were "officially together" was real. Or at least I hope it was real. The good times were very good to me & the bad times were also good to me because without those bad times, I would have never felt the feeling I get after we made up with each other and that was "I love this boy to the point where this argument isn't worth giving up on him." And I understand that that's all part of a relationship, the ups & downs. If you remember what you asked me in the beginning of our relationship, it was "are you ready for this rollercoaster ride?" & I said yes. But obv only one of us wanted to continue to ride it while the other wanted to get off. And for what reasons? You weren't doing so well financially & you'd rather be focusing your money on other stuff. You didn't want to deal with a girlfriend because it was a waste of time & energy when you had to focus on school and work. As much as I understood where you're coming from, you yourself have to understand where I was coming from and that was I didn't want to give you up because I really thought you were someone worth fighting for, someone I loved so much that I couldn't stand the idea of seeing you with someone else after me. And shouldn't you remember that similar feeling when your ex before me dumped you, to see where I was coming from? You fought hard for her as well, and she still didn't take you back.
When you wanted to break up with me the second time a few months later, obv I fought for it again but eventually I gave in. Do you remember that? Do you remember trying to kick me out of your apartment that night & I wouldn't leave? Do you remember me finally waving that white flag by stretching my hand out, feeling defeated that all my efforts have gone to waste, shaking your hand as an agreement to stay as friends, crying so much, & giving you that last hug as a girlfriend? You teared up too. Was it because it was hard to see me that broken and defeated? Who knows. I gave in not because I wanted to stop you yelling at me; I never wanted to give up. I gave in because I loved you enough to let you go as my boyfriend & stay as friends. "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be." Cheesy af right? But I really did believe in that about us. As much as you want to justify me coming down to SD all the time even after we broke up as a method of "me making sure you're not bringing girls over", you're wrong. I always came down because you made me feel safe & at home. You were someone that became my escape from Orange County. You were someone that I felt comfortable to talk to, regardless if we were together or not. After reading this part, don't start yelling back at me about how I took so much time from you to do your own stuff, because I know that very well myself already. I know I took a lot of your time from doing your own things because that was all I asked for: your time. I never ever asked you to buy me materialistic things such as necklaces, clothes, etc etc when we were together. All I wanted and asked for when we were together was your time & loyalty. And after we broke up, all I wanted as a friend was your time & honesty. Unfortunately, you couldn't give me those things.
Sure the only constant thing was time because you did give me a lot of time at one point but eventually, I started taking so much of your time from things such as work, school, friends, gym, and your "alone time" ,which are important to you. I didn't understand that when we were together and always cried about how you didn't give me enough time. I understood that better after we broke up, which is why when I still came over and you say "I'm going to the gym" or "I'm going to this or that", I was okay with just staying in your room waiting for you and do my own thing because your room eventually felt safe as my own room, we both didn't want people to know that I was in town staying over at your place, and when you have to get stuff done, you have to get stuff done. But that wasn't enough. You couldn't get things done like focus on studying just knowing I'm sitting quietly behind you on your bed doing my own thing on my laptop. You couldn't stand the fact that when you were out with friends, you felt guilty for leaving me alone in your room when I always told you "I'll be okay". So from all of this, I'm assuming that when I tell you "you don't even want me here" & you reply "No I actually like spending time with you doing nothing", that was a lie. So I admit that I’m sorry for taking so much of your precious time and for always guilt tripping you into allowing me to come. In conclusion, you couldn't and didn't want to provide me one of the things I asked for anymore: time.
The next thing was loyalty. This was probably the saddest thing I expected and asked for because after two weeks of officially being together, you confessed you cheated on me. Two weeks. It took two weeks for you to abandon your loyalty to me. All for what? Because you couldn’t keep your hands and mouth off of a girl you were suppose to “study” with. I give you props for confessing to me though….two days later. Two days later was when you decided you wanted to drive up 80 miles to tell me in person that “we shouldn’t date anymore because I did something”. This broke me & my trust for you because you were my first official boyfriend. And I can’t believe after four months of dating and seeing each other and TWO WEEKS of officially being together, you gave all that up for a few hours with a girl who you said “she doesn’t mean anything to me” when I asked you with angry tears streaming down my eyes “do you like her now?” I should’ve agreed to not date anymore from this point but my pride told me breaking up after two weeks is pathetic for a first relationship and I was delusional in love enough to believe I could justify what you did as a “mistake” and that you confessing to me shows me that you felt guilty and bad for doing something like that behind my back and you wouldn’t do it again. Even if that may be true, I think there was more to why you confessed to me. You confessed to me two days later because the story started to spread like wildfire within greek right? You didn’t confess to me right after when it happened because you didn’t think it would get out right? So you gained the courage to drive up to my place late at night to confess to me before I heard it from someone else. Since then, why do you think I always assume shit? Why do you think I always thought the worse of what you could be doing with “your friends” or when you didn’t answer my texts when you were at a social or a party? Because those environments seem more favorable to be doing “something with someone” compared to the library in Salk. Yes, monitoring your every move was unhealthy for me because it took a LOT of energy to constantly wonder what you could be doing when I shouldn’t have to in the first place if you didn’t lose your loyalty to me.
And why didn’t I give you up? I was deeply in love with you & it blinded me. I made excuses for you & gave you too many chances when you didn’t deserve them. And because of this, you made me sound crazy. Because every time I confront you about my assumptions, you would tell me I’m being crazy. And sure, my assumptions may not be true but you of all people should know why I acted the way I was. Because YOU made me like that. And like I said to you before, my assumptions of the worse were to prepare me for what could be true of what you could possibly be doing. It was to prepare me for what I wasn’t prepared for the first time you did something behind my back. And not gonna lie, I believe you also cheated on me a second time right BEFORE you broke up with me at the beginning of January. I’m not going to get into details about that, but just know that if it’s true, I found out about it. Even though you were so adamant about not cheating me that other time right before you dumped me when I drove down to your house at five in the morning, I still have a hunch you did something. Because when I stepped into your room, the TV was moved close to your bed, indicating you watched a movie. And there was lube on your side table. What was I supposed to take from that scene? So it was honestly my fault for believing that you wouldn’t do something like that again and tried to see the good in you as a boyfriend. But I should’ve taken your confession of cheating on one of your past girlfriends multiple of times as a warning & listened to the plethora amount of people who told me “once a cheater, always a cheater.” So there goes another thing you couldn’t give me: loyalty.
The last thing I asked for was honesty & this is the reason why I lost all faith in you as a person. This is why I want to start this war you brought upon yourself. I could’ve easily stayed as your friend if you were honest with me, but no, you chose to play me. In the last few weeks you had in SD, you started to act like how you were to me a year ago. You started to hold my hand again, randomly kiss me again, and call me pet names like “luv” again. Basically treating me as if we were dating again. Let me reiterate this to you once more. I NEVER ASKED FOR YOU TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS. All I asked was for your time. Sure, deep, deep down I wanted to be together again but I didn’t want it unless you wanted it. But I am not some kind of charity where you think you’re doing a good thing by providing me a “fake relationship”. At this point, I valued our friendship more than my one sided feelings. But you confused me. You REALLY confused me with the actions you were doing in those last few weeks. Going back to the quote “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be”, which I really believed in, you can see why I thought what you were doing was you telling me you wanted to come back to me right? I can’t believe you had the audacity to even ask “why are you like this” when you kept trying to kiss me and I kept avoiding it. I can’t believe that when we were with friends at the WonderSpace museum, we kept our distances from each other but when we were finally alone from our friends, you tried to hug me from behind and when I didn’t want to accept it, you really asked me “what’s wrong with you”. You think I’m oblivious to you not wanting to be in a relationship, but were YOU oblivious to why I acted the way I did? YOU’RE the one that initiated all of these acts, not me. YOU’RE the one that asks to have sex whenever you felt like it when I was with you, and lied to other people “I’ve been a virgin for the past 3-4 months”. We were still doing it since March, liar -_-. I even asked you “if you have been talking to girls the way you’ve been talking to me ever since we broke up, don’t bother talking to me like this” & guess what you said? “I’m not”.
Remember that day you came to OC on July 14 for your court case about your ticket and I found an empty condom box in your front seat? I honestly still believe that it was yours because when I threw it to the back where you were sitting, you kept explaining that “it’s not yours and it’s probably your SF pbros”. What kind of SF pbro leaves an empty box that contained condoms in your car? That’s foul af. You’re probably thinking “Dude we fucking broke up before this why would finding a condom box matter to you”. It matters because when it happened, you talked to me in private outside my house and told me “ Lucy, it really isn’t mines. I didn’t do anything. Haven’t I been good to you all this time? I promise I’ve been good to you”. Why did you feel it was necessary to “be good” to me? Why did you lie to me? After “acting like my boyfriend” in private and to a few selected people in your favor, spent the whole last week you had in SD together & took me back to SF for a few days, you dropped me like nothing the week after I left SF. Why? Because “this relationship isn’t going to work out”. Tbh what relationship? The “fake” one you made because you thought it would make me happy for the last few weeks you had in SoCal? Do you think I’m happy with how you played with my feelings like that? You said you did all of this because you “felt bad”. Did you not “feel bad” about lying to me? Not feel bad about the consequences of your actions? This is where it gets even more upsetting. The same night after you dropped me like that, we were still snapchatting each other and you snapped me “I’m going to pick up my psis from work”. I snapped back “Okay and?” AND ONCE AGAIN you replied “because you always assume shit”. YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW THE REASON WHY I ASSUME SHIT AT THIS POINT? Scroll up and read that paragraph about loyalty then luhmaoooo. And truth is, I really didn’t care you were picking up your psis from work at two in the morning. Heck, I didn’t even know you were leaving your house so late bc you made it seem like you were going to bed too. When I did start to care was when I called you at three in the morning when I couldn’t sleep just to talk to you and you told me “What do you want I’m busy right now watching a movie”. Yea, it hurt when you told me that bc at that time, it still hurts to imagine what you could be doing with her while “watching a movie”. But after saying that to you, you said “I’m not gonna do anything with my psis. But I’m hanging with her.” I stayed up that whole night because there was no point in sleeping anymore when I had to wake up early for my family trip that morning. And when you didn’t respond to me around five in the morning, I tracked you and guess where you still were? Her house. So I already knew you were sleeping over. And the next day, you texted me “I didn’t do shit w her dude Lol”. If that’s the truth, that’s the truth. But if it isn’t, Idk why at this point you still feel the need to lie to me. I always pushed you to tell me the truth about you talking to other girls or you sleeping with other girls because even if it hurts me, it will push me to get over you even faster and believe you’re still a good person for telling me the truth. If you really didn’t know this about me after dating me, I see the good in people until they prove me wrong.
So that’s why when it was the next night, I told you to share your location again because I had a hunch you would be at her house after turning your location off. And guess what? I was right. Like I said, I don’t know why you have to hide this fact from me when just seeing you sleep at another girl’s house would erase my feelings away for you. Isn’t that what you wanted? For me to be your friend? Idk why you can’t even be honest to me as a friend. You even labeled me as your “best friend” after we broke up but you have 294729419 of those so what does that make me? So as your former “best friend”, how hard was it for you to tell me the truth? Apparently, very hard because you lied to me about “not talking to girls” in the past few months when I CLEARLY told you if you were talking to them, don’t bother talking to me like that. Don’t bother telling me “I’m your daddy” “I mit u” when you were talking to other girls and telling them “Idk how to talk to girls” “I want a bay area gf” or “It’s so lonely being single” BUT O WAIT do you remember constantly telling me you don’t want a relationship AT ALL because you want to focus on yourself and you have no time for dealing with one? Truth be told, you really can’t talk to girls because some of the things you say are actually creepy af now that I think about it. YOU PLAYED ME SO DIRTY & ON TOP OF THAT, LIED TO ME. DO YOU GET WHY I’M SO MAD & DISAPPOINTED IN YOU NOW? I’m not going to get into details about how you sound like to these other girls, because you yourself should know that very well and trust me, it gave me second hand embarrassment to see how you communicated with these girls. You should know that no one has ever brought me this close to the level of disappointment you have brought me to. IF YOU’RE OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT I’M SAYING, STOP AVOIDING THE TRUTH. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW WHY PEOPLE CALL YOU A FUCKBOY, and that you were “ever so loyal” to these girls you talk to. I get that now you’re more than 400 miles away from me and long distance would be hard if we were to keep up with this “relationship” BUT DID YOU REALLY HAD TO LEAD ME ON LIKE THAT? I get that you don’t need to disclose to me what you’re up to because we’re not together anymore. BUT YOU STILL DID ANYWAYS, telling me you’re doing this and that or you’re here and there when I NEVER ASKED YOU. I only asked you when you start being shady and I just want the truth so I can move on instead of making up scenarios when you leave me hanging. You didn’t want to admit to me you were casually flirting and talking to multiple girls WHILE talking to me in the same manner as well. Every time you bring up your reason “I just don’t want to be in a relationship” I always say back “Oh it’s so you can hoe around without feeling bad now right?” Why couldn’t you just say yes to that? Why can’t you just admit that you can’t do commitment and you’d rather talk to multiple “pretty af” & “cute af” girls? Instead, you made me believe that there was still a chance we might get back together when you gave me the idea that “Oh he just wants space and time to focus on himself, so I’ll wait for him.” If there’s anything I can’t deal with in this world, it is dirty fucking stupid liars. I don’t hate smart liars because let’s face it, everyone lies and if they get away with it, damn good for them. DUMB LIARS DESERVE TO GO TO HELL BECAUSE IF YOU LIE AT LEAST BE SMART ABOUT IT. You ruined what could’ve stayed as a friendship and you ruined it by not being honest with me and led me on. So in the end, you couldn’t even give me the last thing I wanted in our friendship: honesty.
After reading all that, you might think I hate you and have regrets for ever giving you the chance to be my first boyfriend. But I don’t regret it at all & I don’t hate you. I hate what you did to me. I don’t regret it because I learned so much from this relationship. I always told people “even though he can be an asshole, as a boyfriend he treated me pretty well”. Just making sure, that’s different from being a good boyfriend okay? A good boyfriend or even a good friend wouldn’t have done all those things I’ve said you’ve done to me. And if you think the people around me only knows of the bad things you’ve done, you’re wrong. Because I tried to justify your side as well. But I can’t justify what you did to me because we can all agree on how fucked up that is. All those times I went down to SD, you do realize people would track me and text me “Why tf are you in SD at his house. He dumped you” because they also understand that after two people break up, you should keep your distance for a while. I didn’t believe in that. So I admit I did fuck up on my part for thinking we could automatically be friends right after we broke up, because for me, if you really wanted to stay as friends, then I’ll adapt to being just friends if it means that I could still be close to you. I didn’t need you & I don’t need you. I wanted you, but those feelings have now changed. And after all of this, you gotta admit that you fucked up as well. Everyone knows that you fucked up. But I want you to know HOW MUCH you fucked up from my perspective. So you’re probably asking, “what do you want from me reading all of this?” Only for you to hear me out, understand where I’m coming from, and a sincere apology for what you did to me. Not just a “I’m sorry” text either. Not even a text at all. If you do remember, every time I apologized to you, I was crying. Why? Because that’s how bad I felt for doing something wrong to you. And if you don’t remember, then that says a lot about how well you accepted my apology and how well you even know me at all. If we ever cross paths as friends again in the future, then I’d be more than happy to accept that friendship again but that’s all it’s ever going to be. But for now, I can’t stand the fact that you manipulated my feelings and called me crazy all the time, you lied to my face and did things behind my back, & tried to justify what you did as “I only did it to make you happy.” I really should have let you go the first time and all the times everyone told me to. But I didn’t because that was how much I believed in you & us. You were someone I put before myself because I loved you that much. So shame on me for caring too much and driving you away with that care. This is a lengthy post because there was so much things that needed to be addressed which led me into finally blowing up and exposing what you’ve been doing, and not gonna lie, I feel like it’s still missing some pieces and I’m not content with everything that I’ve just shared. No one in my entire life has ever done me this dirty. Now do you understand why I wanted to start this? Bc this is what I’m going to start with.
