Luminance&Happiness

Sunflower obsessed🌻. I enjoy reading and amassing knowledge. Theatre and performance art fuel me🌌. A lover of poetry. Writer.

[luminancesworld]

Aahh yes. Tumblr, where I can post what I want and no one will see😍🥹

[understands]

[luminancesworld]

Situationships and Silent Heartbreaks...🌌

Okay, wooww so we're really here. Putting my feelings and innermost thoughts out on a public platform. Anyway, I love it for me because it's quite significant to my personal growth journey.

I've been in quite a number of situationships and this realisation only hit me quite recently as I took a look back into my past,but for the sake of this post, I'll only speak about one recent one.

Situationships can be defined as romantic relationships that are undetermined or uncommitted. Basically, dating without a title because you didn't DTR (Determine the Relationship) as a friend of mine would say.

I really liked this gent. A lot. And for the longest time, I might even go as far as saying I lov... nevermind. My best friend made me realise just how much I liked him, I really didn't want to admit it under the guise of "protecting my heart" or whatever, but eventually I did admit it.

I wanted him around for the most part, I enjoyed his company, enjoyed picking his brain. Even when he wasn't around I found myself talking about him even when it wasn't necessary, yes I had it bad.

To some degree though, he felt it too, I'm convinced because energy does not lie. It was in the things he said, the things he did for me. The way he wrote about me, it was in the air every time we were together.

In the silent glimpses we'd steal from each other, in the way he remembered what I'd say, in the way he never forgot important dates or inside jokes from the time we'd spend with each other.

He's the first person I'd want to call when something significant happened. It was in the way that the darkness lifted off of him every time he spoke about what he loved. It was how beautiful he became when he was vulnerable with me.

It was in the way that he laughed that got me and even more, knowing that I was the cause of that laugh. Everything was beautiful up until it wasn't.

To cut a long story short, it didn't quite seem like we were on the same page when it came to making things "official", and I was never vocal about it. I didn't ask why we weren't on the same page, I feared rejection more than anything and I didn't know what bringing it up would mean for our friendship.

And that was the start of the silent heartbreak. I cried, I wrote and prayed to move into my direction of healing and I don't think he knows to this day just how he made me feel. So there you have it. Situationships and Silent heartbreaks.

[luminancesworld]

The chronicles of grappling with mental health...

One thing about mental health is that we can ALL relate to the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Not finding joy in the things that you used to love or simply just experiencing an existential crisis and feeling like in the grand scheme of things, you're so insignificant.

All of those feelings are valid and they are real. But what are we actively doing to take care of our mental states? We all hear about the importance of taking care of your physical body through healthy lifestyle choices and medication.

However, because of a lack of knowledge on mental health, it's often misunderstood and misread as something "you brought upon yourself" or something that is "made up". This is why when we have the flu or any other chronic disease we're told to treat it with medication and healthy lifestyle choices but with mental health is not met with the same energy.

Mental well being is just as important as physical well being and we need to start normalising it. Normalising mental health looks like being able to take a day off of school or work and being able to communicate to your boss/teacher/lecturer that you took a day off for mental health reasons and it's not shunned upon. Or not being scared to be vocal about the fact that you're currently not coping.

Normalising mental health looks like you being able to tell your friends, or loved ones that you're not able to leave the house or go out with them because you're riddled with anxiety and that being met with the same understanding as you telling them that you have the flu.

We need to reach an honest place as a society and be vocal about our mental health issues instead of telling people "I'm tired but I'll be okay". We need to reach a place where we're able to say "I'm not okay today, I'm struggling mentally" and it be received in a safe place filled with much love and understanding.

Love and Luminance to you all

[luminancesworld]

Little did I know I would awake to such a wretched and vile reality...

From youth, I had always had an intrinsic fear of police. Many older people would try to convince me that these fears were unfounded because I haven't committed any crimes. Little did I know that I would soon awaken to a world where police brutality is abreast and my people are being killed in senseless violent acts. Unarmed.

I didn't know that I would soon awaken and open my eyes to a world where being black is undesired. Unwanted. Where breathing is seen as a crime.

I recollect an early memory where I was out with my dad at the local shopping mall, seemingly waiting for something or someone. Drunk and in a festive mood there my dad was blasting "Uma gasmaan uyatjokoza" at the highest volume on the radio dancing like no one was watching.

A few moments later we were approached by security asking my dad to lower the volume and get into the car because he was making a noise. I don't recall what happened between then and him being pushed and shoved and threatened that he would be arrested if he didn't comply and that I would be left fatherless. I just remember him begging and pleading to be released.

I was much too young to fully grasp what had happened, but one thing was certain. I was scared. And it is from here on that I recall being afraid of the police and the casual way they would walk around armed. Trained or untrained.

A subtle violence and militarization that whisphered and reminded us truly who was in control. "One wrong move and it's late for you".

It's always subtle isn't it? How they tell us that the armed men in navy blue and the maroon bereted men with batons and rifles are there for our protection and they're not there to hurt us.

I recall vividly feeling uncomfortable going about my daily activities on Wits campus when it was highly militarised. Armed private security forces on the one hand. Police officers "securing" the entrance. Helicopters flying overhead and hippos parked all around campus.

Excuse me if I didn't feel comfortable and safe to do what I needed to do on campus because the barrel of a gun was constantly faced in my direction. Excuse me that I couldn't continue as normal with the police harrassing and searching me everywhere I went.

Excuse me that I failed to concentrate in my lectures after a few students had been shot while they were sleeping in their respective residences.

And countless times in our world we're faced with the justification of militarization. From the Apartheid era, to the Marikana massacre which mirrored the events that occured at Sharpeville. To the stories we haven't heard. To the brutal murders of the likes of Khoza and George Floyd.

It's all too much. Stop militarising black bodies. Little did I know that from my earliest memories of fearing the police, I would awaken to an awfully pungent reality that wreaks of dead black bodies being left to die.

[luminancesworld]

Things you may or may not have known about me🌿🌌...

In high school, I was in the top 5 in my Afrikaans class. It was my favourite subject and my teacher made it all the more amazing! I once performed a play in Afrikaans for my assessment in high school and I was asked to perform it again for the incoming Grade 8s.

I did Speech and Drama in correspondence with Trinity Guildhall in London, achieveing platinum and gold for all of my solo exams that included improvisation and mime. I achieved my Grade 6 and planned on moving to London to pursue my career further and get to the highest grade possible... But life😂.

Before my Grade 10 teacher passed, she asked me to write a book about my life up to that point and I've been prompted by signs ever since, I don't think the promptings will leave until I write that book🌌.

I lived in Soweto with my dad's side of the family for the first few years of my life.

I've always lowkey been a house head actually. Tribal house and commercial house I quite enjoy.

I did self-defense classes in high school, so try me please, I'm begging you.

I have an adopted younger brother named Neo💞 and an older half brother named Wandi🌌.

I've always loved French and it came in handy when a girl from DRC was in the bus trying to get home but she couldn't communicate with the driver. So I stepped in with the little French that I knew😫.

I loved this language so much that at school when I heard that one of the nuns visting was from France, I ran out of class to intercept her and greet her in French😂.

I was a Brand Ambassador for a NGO called GlobalGirl Media that aimed at equipping young women with multimedia skills such as video editing, photography and film.

I did International Relations and History in my first year at Wits and quite enjoyed Foreign Policy and International Law.

The amount of times I've lost control of a car and almost crashed... wow. It's a miracle I'm still alive😂.

I did ballet and gymnastics as a little girl.

I know how to boost the battery of a car without using boosting cables😂 ( Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to).

I used to pick locks with my friend in high school just for vibes😂.

Okay folks, that's all I can remember for now. Possible story times to follow (We'll see) Love and Luminance to you all🌿

[luminancesworld]

If a black woman's hair could speak🌌...

Would it tell you how it's been shunned since the days of Western influence? Since the strand of black hair emanated from the hair follicle coiled and kinky. Unconventional and nothing like it's European counterpart. Thick and luscious, dense and untamed.

If a black woman's hair could speak, it would speak of how it was dictated to how it should look. If a black woman's hair could speak, would it tell you about the stares it would get and how it's been a mystery that many have tried to solve?

One day it's completely manageable and the next day it's a nightmare of tangles and shrinkage. Would it tell you of how enigmatic it seems to many? Decade after decade, with all the technological advancements one would think that a black woman's crown would be less of a mystery.

Much less of a mystery than trying to figure out how to make internet connection as fast as the speed of light. Yet, intrigue is still signalled by :" Can I touch your hair?" "Is it real?" "How do you manage all of that?"

If a black woman's hair could speak would it tell you how it's existence has been pure controversy? Would it tell you how it's been labelled unprofessional and unruly in schools and workplaces?

Would it tell you how it's instilled fear and uncertainty because it's the signature that a woman of colour has used to resign from societal pressures and take up a new job of regaining their power and liberating themselves?

If a black woman's hair could speak, would it explain how the coils came to be? Would it tell you how the elements love it as it's own and would always want to take it back to it's roots? How every time the rain made love to it, it would curl further?

A sign that nature loves and recognises it's own and wants everyone who looks upon this hair to know that it's owner is just as loved by the elements. I mean, how else do you explain a black woman being sunkissed?

If a black woman's hair could speak, would it tell you how proud it is at how you've finally set it free for all the world to see? If a black woman's hair could speak, would it remind you not to look down on anyone who does not choose to wear their natural hair?

A crown risks falling after the head on which it rests looks down too much. If a black woman's hair could speak it would remind you that not wearing your natural hair does not make you any less of a woman of colour.

If a black woman's hair could speak it would remind you to be as kind and delicate with yourself as you are when handling it. If a black woman's hair could speak, it would remind you what it endured all these years and never to repeat the cycle with anyone else.

Love and light🌿.

[luminancesworld]

Eyakho lendlela, akekho ozokuhambela...

The title of this blog translated is “This journey is yours and no one else can experience on your behalf”. A lot of events inspired this, title and they all speak to this blog title and the reason I have it written in Zulu is because it is my mother tongue and it speaks close to home. It’s almost as though I can hear my mom standing right next to me saying these very words, both extremely daunting and yet affirming. Affirming the woman I’m meant to be. 

These words have never rang truer than they have in these last few weeks. I was feeling quite shaky in my confidence. I found myself comparing myself to others and the more I did that, the more insecure I felt. I felt even more insecure when I realised that I’m not meeting up to the person I am often perceived to be by others. It made me very miserable and sadly, it made it harder to see myself in the best possible light. I became less of me and stopped being able to recognise who I was. 

I then had a conversation with my mother and told her everything I was feeling and I mentioned that I really don’t feel like I’m good enough academically and I should be doing as great as others. She replied to me and said :” You passed didn’t you?” “ You tried your best didn’t you?” and it was almost as though she could have said, : “Why are you so discontent, what’s going on my child, I don’t know you like this”. After she had said these words, all my insecurities seemed foolish, especially because the one person whose opinion I regarded so highly was behind me all the way and nothing else really mattered because I had been affirmed. 

I was reminded of my journey, and how far I’d come from where I was two years ago and that although we can all share in a common experience, no one experiences things exactly the way you do. No one else’s feet touches the ground the way yours do. No one walks exactly the way you do and that is precisely where your beauty resides. Therefore, eyakho lendlela, akekho ozokuhambela. Be content with your unique design, fall in love with your journey because it calls you to embrace who you are. The only person you should really be comparing yourself to is you. Embrace your growth and take on your journey in a way that is best for you.

[luminancesworld]

I am not to be boxed in🌌🌱🌿...

You know, I understand the concept of the archetypal human being systematically categorising objects in order to understand their characteristics and to understand them by what they are not. But what I do find problematic is when their categorisation becomes their limitation.

This is why, as a human being the notion of being boxed in is also problematic. Human beings are dynamic and multifaceted. Unpredictable. And this is why you can never classify someone according to what you perceive because you limit them.

This is precisely why I cannot be boxed in. I am more than just my gender, the colour of my skin, the language I speak or the people that I choose to associate with. I am even more than the words used to describe me. Though these things form part of my identity, they are not my identity. I am not the same person I was yesterday, even the elements of my physical body have changed from what they were yesterday. Continuous evolution is the reason why none of us should be boxed in, why we shouldn't let others shape who we are.

Stand in pride at your uniqueness, you are not limited to who people say you are and are not. You are way more than that. That being said, stop doing this to other people too, you don't know what lies beneath the surface. You don't know what battles other people are fighting, just because you are unaware of them, doesn't mean they don't exist.

Do not make conclusions about other people based on what you've perceived, this is the root of prejudice. And this is why I choose to be vocal about not being boxed in. Things are definitely not what they appear to be on the surface.

[luminancesworld]

Sunflower...🌻

A Sunflower has arrived in Hatfield. Wow. I did it, out of my own will I decided to uproot and leave all that it familiar to me. To leave the life that I had gotten so accumstomed to, I was the big fish in a small tank. I get to Hatfield and I'm the smallest fish in the ocean. It felt like I constantly had to keep swimming just to get by. No one really knows me. No one to really fend for me. No one to fight for me. Needless to say, my first week here was almost unbearable. If it wasn't for my family offering continuous support and comfort I'd be drowning in emotion and the last thing I would've wanted was to have a depressive episode away from home.

As you can imagine, various thoughts were playing in my mind. If I do breakdown, who is going to offer me words of reassurance and comfort? On days when I feel like I can't who's going to remind me that I'm more than capable? The thought of being out here alone filled my mind and I'd often burst into tears. I didn't find rest in my embrace, in my own solitude and that was the worst for me.

I had to learn to be with myself, to learn to truly start liking myself because, as much as family came to see me and offer their support and love (and food), I was faced with one of my biggest challenges. Me.

I was left to confront my deepest desires and my scariest dreams, I had to delve into why I came all the way here to study something I'd seen as home for so long? In as much as it scared me that I'm questioning myself and my passion for drama it was necessary. And I had to be okay with the fact that my answers won't be the same as they were before and neither will my reasons. Reasons falter and now I know this to ring so true.

I'm far from having perfected the art of being away from home and all the people whom I love, but I'm much closer to unravelling the unearthed gold that I have borne for so long. I would've never gotten to experience this side of me had I insisted on staying where I knew best for my own comfort.

I am able to find my roots not in location, but find my roots in myself, fall in love with myself, fully immerse myself in my experiences and learn to be proud of my becoming🍀🌱🌴🍃🌿

[luminancesworld]

Truth is, Nobody Owes You Anything...

This is one of those things that sting when you first hear it, but as you mature in your perspective of life, you realise that it really is okay. People really don’t owe you anything. Once you adopt this perspective, it supersedes your desires to hold grudges against someone, it becomes easier to let go of the things that don’t give you peace. You actually really do get a chance to breathe and truly let go of all that burdens your physiology and your psychology.

When you come to find that no one is indebted to you, you’ll do things without expecting anything in return, you will cease to hold fast to toxicities because there’s no space in your life to keep holding on to them.

The only person who owes you is really only you. You owe yourself peace, you owe yourself happiness, you owe yourself good health, positive energy, good friends. But before you get there, you need to find happiness within yourself first. You need to gather the strength to be content with yourself. To be kind to yourself. 

Then only will you find that there is no room for you to go knocking on your neighbours doors claiming that they owe you for the things that you did for them because you anticipated gaining something. When you learn that no one owes you anything, there is no time to go knocking on the doors of others because you have already found contentment within yourself.

You have already learnt to forgive yourself, and as a result forgive others a lot more easily, so that you’re not at the mercy of others waiting on their forgiveness, but instead, them forgiving you becomes a cherry  on top.

I write this not because I have completely mastered this mentality, but because it is something that I wish to grow in. I write this because I want to be content within myself, I want to be kind to myself, I desire that peace that transcends all understanding, and if you’re reading this regardless of whether I know you or not, I want you to adopt this mentality too, simply because this world would be a much better place.

Love yourself enough to know that Nobody Owes You Anything.

Namaste.

xxx

[luminancesworld]

[luminancesworld]

Philophobic🌿🍃

So... Yes, philophobia is an actual thing and can be simply defined as the fear of falling in love. Whether this fear is irrational or not is up for debate, but the point is, I'm scared of falling in love. Mostly because the fear stems from the unknown, how does one really know they're in love and not infatuated? How do you know that you're not lusting after someone? Can you really guarantee that you're willing to spend your time on this planet loving this person? How much love is too much? How much is too little? See? It's all too much. Especially because the sociological construct of time is not something we can get back. Once it's gone it's gone. Too often I've heard it being said that people have wasted their lives loving someone that was not really meant for them. Or, someone that didn't cultivate or support them they say they needed them to. Something that normally feels organic can be mistaken for what is meant to be an eternity with this human. However, on the other hand, it's been said that if it's real, you'll know. An encounter with one of your 'soul mates' (as I don't believe in one, I believe in multiple, also, I don't believe that your soulmate is only found in a romantic relationship) is said to feel explosive 💥 enthralling, enchanting and nothing short of it. Furthermore, it has a way of revitalising the soul and simultaneously cultivating it. But, I can only imagine the element of fear that creeps in with that uncertainty that "this feels too good to be true" element followed by questions like :" when are they going to leave?" "How does this person even like me? Even want to spend their days with me?". And of course the fear of being hurt and left. Being taken advantage of. Some say it's worth it, the rollercoaster ride, because you leave a better human, a better version of self. However, realistically speaking and if you look at the bigger picture, the worst that can happen is heartbreak right? But even in the heartbreak, the determining factor is how you emerge from that. Will you emerge a more evolved human or even worse than you were going in to the relationship? You'll only know from your personal experience, no one else can go through all of that for you, and that's what I've had to realise. Stressing about "what ifs" and what could've been and what will be. Every season happens for a reason. So, if you're philophobic like me? I'd advise you to take it in your stride, stop stressing about what hasn't happened yet, breathe. Your time will come. Apparently it will all fall into place when it's supposed to.

[luminancesworld]

Saviour's Complex...

Having a Saviour's complex can often have quite positive connotations, because everyone needs a saviour right? and everyone wants to be the hero. Essentially, we all want to pride ourselves on the positive role played in the lives of many, but at what cost, or rather, at whose expense?

Have you ever stopped to think of the negative impact that having a saviour's complex can have? That you end up pouring from an empty cup, because you yourself haven't stopped to fill up your cup? Yes, this whole process has a name, it's called emotional fatigue. 

Emotional fatigue is also as a result of taking on people's stress and emotions in a way that is not only emotionally strenuous, but physically too. You take on these problems as your own and you flow into a stream of stress and frustration. As a stream takes on all the leaves that fall off trees and takes it along, so does a water elemental take on the problems of others. This was favourably described by a good friend as the inheritance of emotional baggage.

Another dark side of having a saviour's complex is the element of control, there is a strong need to want to solve the problems of others, but perhaps because you feel you don't really have control over your very own problems or you don't want to face what's really going on in your life... Yes, that escalated REAL QUICK, and yes, as you're reading this, to some extent might've made you uncomfortable.

Disclaimer: I write as someone who struggles with a saviour's complex too. However, one thing I've often too often assumed is that everyone I've attempted to save is that they all need saving. Who dictates who needs saving and who doesn't? AGAIN, YOU CANNOT BEAR THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS!

But most importantly, what if you're "Altering one's destiny" or changing one's trajectory when you're trying so hard to be a saviour? What if you're stopping them from experiencing life? From learning those valuable lessons that are fundamental for maturity and experience at the stage that they're supposed to learn them?

Therefore, in conclusion, this is a plea for you to realise that you're only human, but you also have spirit and there's only so much your spirit can take as well before it is stifled. Be mindful of that. Take care of yourself, breathe, take in the elements, and take it one breath at a time.

[luminancesworld]

Imbedded Incantations and defiled lacerations🌱

The title above really is a summary of how I can feel from time to time. Most especially in times when Im on a journey to elevation. I feel like defiled lacerations and a mixture of battered and broken bones. Silent spaces and shifted silhouettes, I don’t know which is mine and which is yours.

It could be positioned somewhere between violent spaces and recluse and sometimes inevitable abuse for not being who they want you to be. Therefore, leaving your soul to seep seamlessly through your toes distinguishing you from your demeanour and your physical existence.

Sometimes you wish you could retreat to places filled with flora and fauna, sunflower forests and a plethora of Proteas and beautiful melodies that resonate with your tempanic membrane and send vibrations through your cochlear.

I am imbedded incantations and defiled lacerations headed toward elevation and healing🌻

[luminancesworld]

Stop IT!...

Firstly, I want to mention that a post like this one is very much long overdue. Secondly, this post is not to bash or bring down anyone of the male specimens. However, I do feel that what I'm to say in this post needs to be said. Third and finally, this post is based solely on my opinions and interests.

As men, treat the women in your lives right, because if it wasn't for them you probably wouldn't be who you are today. This is soooo crucial. Stop trying to assert your power by degrading women.

There is also no need to prove that you guys are stronger, better, and superior... NEWSFLASH, we're all human beings and we exist under the same atmosphere that governs the earth. Also, speaking of earth, that's where we'll all be laid to rest one day. Man or not, at the the end of it all, our graves will be the same size.

Rape and violence against us is unacceptable, we all have problems and things that we need to figure out. So stop using us as punching bags and stop sexualising us.

Yes, we have vaginas, but in case you haven't noticed, we are wayyyyy more than our vaginas. Take a moment to let that sink in.

Also, if you're a dude and you're reading this, you may not be guilty of the things that I mentioned here, but the biggest crime you've been guilty of is keeping quiet while your home boy mistreated a woman, or took advantage of her. Stop it.

And if your mother and daughter or even best friend were being treated like that would you still stand by?

I need everyone to understand that the biggest demise of our society is the by stander effect, where people can see injustice but keep quiet because they're scared. Perpatrators are well aware of this and use it to their advantage.

Stop it. I speak on behalf of the women in abusive relationships, I have no idea what you're going through, but I am a woman too. I speak on behalf of the women who walk the streets and are sexualised daily by being whistled at and called "my size" or "baby".

I speak on behalf of the women who have been asked to sleep with their bosses to secure their current job or even a promotion. I speak on behalf of the women who fail to be seen beyond their assets. I speak for the women who have been stoned to death. I speak for the women in arranged marriages.

I speak on behalf of the women who haven't believed their worth, and I speak for the women who believe that they are at the mercy of anyone in the male specimens.

Men/dudes. STOP IT!

Ps, Men are trash. And I know what you're thinking #notallmen. But if you cannot look beyond your ego and realise that this is in no way a personal attack against you, but rather a wake up call to tell your boys to treat women right, then you definitely have a long way to go.

Also, take a moment to think about why storms are named after women.

[luminancesworld]

EMERGENCE...

Emergence : The idea that smaller things that are innately non - functional or don't have much use come together to make a bigger thing that is highly functional if not vital.

For example, one cell can't really do much, however when they function to serve the same purpose they create an organ which is vital. Likewise, one person does not form a society.

This works the same with life. Life cannot exist simply in a vacuum purely of what is good and neither can it exist purely of what is bad.

These experiences are what make life what it is. You can't stay taking L's without a W at the end of the tunnel and neither can you cruise through life being handed W's and not take an L.

Emergence is about a sense of becoming. Emergence is about using what you have to re-invent yourself. To use what you have to become a better human. The world owes you nothing. If we could all adopt the mentality that we do things without expecting anything in return, we could easily be an emerging society.

If we as humans could learn to manage our expectations we'd avoid so much disappointment and uneccessary hurt.

In conclusion, look to the sunrise each morning to emerge from the person that you were yesterday. Transcend your old habits and keep growing. Let it flow through you and spill over into each area of your existence and let it become manifest in your physical and mental health. 🌌🍃🌿🌊🌻🌳