was it worth it to you? ive spent the last three years trying to forget. do you even remember? or have you forgotten like a child forgets their homework? do you feel remorse? do you even feel slightly guilty? i will never be able to scrub you from my mind or my body. i will never be clean enough. i hate you. nothing will ever be okay again. i wish i could forget you. i wish i didn't remember. its been carved into my being like cliffs carved by the rushing water. i was thirteen. im turning twenty in a month. you will be twenty four in october. i still remember your birthday. i count with every passing year. where would i have been if id stayed? you took everything from me. you took an entire person and turned it into a hollow shell. will i ever be clean enough? will it ever stop hurting? i wish i could tell you how youve hurt me. i wish you felt guilty. instead its me. i was thirteen. why did it have to be me? i gave you everything i had. i destroyed myself trying to be enough for you. i destroyed myself loving you. i still remember wht you said that night. it was july. i sobbed in the front yard of my best friends house. your words were like poisioned knives. it took six months. and then you came back like it was nothing. i was angry. why did you do it? why was it always me? will you ever leave? or will i always have to be painfully reminded? do you regret it? i do. i always do. was it ever good? was it just me? nobody will ever completely understand. i wish someone did. i wish someone did. please. let me feel okay. let me forget you. let me move on. its been three years. i hate you. your name is poison in my mouth. venom on my tongue. i cant speak it. i just want to be free. you still hold me in a cage. i am a bird thats lost its wings. i wish things could have been different. he says im an angel but i am far from holy. he knows. he holds me like water in his hands. he treats me like i am something so delicate, like something worth holding on to. if he hurts me like you did, nothing in this universe or the next could fix it. i am terrified. i dont want you to be right. please, dont be right. i remember. your voice fills me with dread. its so heavy that i can hardly move. i want to escape. i am tired of being broken. how can he love me so completely if im nothing but a ghost of what once was? i will never understand.
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