And I feel like all I've done is ruin every chance of friendship with anyone.Ā
So I guess it's just going to pass on by like every other year. I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything more than that.
I came back from France last night, too... and my bed feels so empty, and I feel... I feel empty. I just... don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is feeling right anymore, and I feel like I've ruined it all.Ā
It's always hard to realize certain things about yourself that are truly negative.Ā
Things like being abusive, murdering people--.... I don't even know if those are good examples. But, the point is, is that it's hard to realize those things, and come to grips with them.Ā
Like today, I've realized that I'm absolutely terrible at communicating with people. Even people that I care about deeply. I know hurting people emotionally and physically is inevitable -- it's going to happen whether you want it to or not. But... I seem to do it so often, and without realizing it most of the time.Ā
I never mean it the way others seem to perceive it -- but that never seems to matter when they've already taken it the way they have. Depending on the situation, it can be hard to explain what you mean, and often times, can even make it worse after explanation.Ā
It's a hard thing to deal with.Ā
Lately, I find myself saying more wrong things than right, and it's frustrating. There are people I hold very close to my heart that have been hurt because of something I said. And I know sometimes it's not even really my fault. It's how they perceive and understand my words. But I know I need to be more careful about it. It's just... getting hard to want to socialize anymore when I feel like I'm walking on eggshells where I shouldn't be.Ā
Then again, everything's been feeling hard lately. The loss of a friend, the loss of two people I cared about a lot, even though that was my own decision -- the meeting of a man I'm almost 100% sure I would do absolutely anything for. I think.... I think in a way, too, it's like... I'm mad at myself for getting so tangled up in something I know is probably never going to work the way I want it to.Ā
It's hard to tell someone you love them, when they don't say it back.Ā
He said it once, though. Well... a couple times, actually. But that first time... I was floating in the clouds. But he seems so back and forth with it, that's it's hard to tell if he's just saying it to satisfy me, and get me off his back, or if he really means it. Which I hate contemplating, because I trust him, but it's those damn agreements inside of me, telling me that he doesn't mean it. Telling me that I'm not worthy of love, and that I don't deserve his comfort and his affection.
Ā I feel so overwhelmed by the feeling of it, because at the same time that I feel that, I also know that he doesn't want to be a thing. He doesn't want that commitment, and that is... really scary. I know the act of committing is scary too, but the fact that he doesn't want to with me, makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like... he's going to leave and find someone better, someone more on his level than me, someone he can do that with.Ā
I don't expect anything of him, and I know -- or at least I hope -- that he knows that. All I strive for is his happiness. But at the same time, I feel jealous. I feel jealous that he has all these friends, all these people surrounding him. Sometimes the jokes are too much, and I start to wonder if I'm really that important, or if I'm just.... another person in his life. I try to be happy for him -- I try to be the me he likes, the big, scary, inhuman cannibal thing that I know he's so fascinated by, but... I'm just a man underneath. I'm a man who was destroyed by another who cut down his constructs and morals until they were nothing, and he was reduced to doing what he needed to survive.
Ā I like it, yes. I like the act of killing, of torture, of skinning and cutting and carving and eating. But at the same time, I enjoy it because it's what I do to survive. If I needn't do it to live, I wouldn't. I would still be little old me. Kim Jonghoon. The farmboy. The kind-hearted, caring soul. The quiet, innocent young man who wrote books and kept to himself.Ā
I feel like him right now. I feel like that boy, broken like a porcelain doll and strewn across the floor. I've made someone I love angry. I've made someone I love feel this way... And it hurts. It hurts to realize that this is what I am now. If I had died that day when I was supposed to, I would never have existed in these peoples' lives, and they all would've continued on fine without me.Ā
But I'm here, and I'm hurting them, and I don't know how to stop it.
Ā I'm scared.
Ā I'm scared I'm going to lose them. That I'm going to lose him. All because I'm juvenile, naive, and mushy on the inside. Beneath all that hard, murderous exterior, I'm nothing but an average guy. I'm nothing but another human occupying space in a world where he's not needed, and not wanted.Ā
I feel my chest aching, and the absinthe is beginning to kick in. I should probably take that sweet little pill before I go, but I don't know if I can. I feel so lost, that I'm afraid it will only make things worse, instead of making them better this time.
Hm. I will say goodbye for now, but there is a possibility you will hear from me again tomorrow. Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā So you like things short and sweet, huh? Then youāll definitely love me~ [/she hums, pressing herself closer as she pushes herself up more.] Youāre just full of compliments, eh? [/as their lips press together, she relaxes into the kiss, tightening her grip around his shoulders so she can ease off the balls of her feet and half-hang onto him.]
Ā Ā Ā [/he chuckles just a little, hoisting her up with ease, coaxing her legs to wrap around his waist. Tightening his grip a little more to comfortably hold her up without her slipping, he tips his head, and parts his lips to deepen the kiss. Sliding his tongue out, he drags it over her lower lip, and then pulls back just a little.]
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Youāre very forward, thatās all. Not that thereās anything wrong with thatā I like someone whoās more open. Pretty? Why thank you~ I never said I wasnāt against that, sweetie. [/she snickers, but then nods her head.] Mhm, I want to. [/she wraps her arms around his neck, having to push herself up on her toes to do so, and she leans in so their noses are bumping together.] Go ahead.
Ā Ā Ā I am. But that's just who I am. I don't enjoy skirting around the subject -- I say it like it is. [/he laughs a little, cocking a brow as she steps closer, and his arms instinctively curl around her waist.] How sweet. [/he hums, lifting a hand to curl against her cheek, pulling her up a little more to connect their lips with a little hum of content, his arm tightening around her.]
Ā Ā Ā Ā Oh really? Iām not afraid of anything. You wanna kiss me? [/she laughs, shaking her head a little.] I guess this is why women donāt get past a āhiā with you. Butā¦Yeah, thatās fine. Like I said, Iām not afraid of anything~
Ā Ā Ā ..... What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm a good guy. But you're pretty, and I'm feeling affectionate. It's not like I'm asking if you're down to fuck. [/he tuts, huffing out a breath before he's cocking a brow.] so do you want to kiss me, or nah?Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā If you really looked that twinky, I think more girls would be comfortable with talking to you, if thatās any consolation. If it makes you feel better, Iām not afraid, and you donāt look too twinky. Hold a football orā¦pose on top of a car. Or something.
Ā Ā You think? Hmm... Well, that's good -- I think you're one of the few women I've met that's actually talked to me beyond 'Hi'. But see-- I'd rather just kiss you, instead of doing that-- that's not my kind of manly. [/he smirks, offering her a playful smile.] So what do you say, hm?
Ā Ā Ā Ā Well... yeah, but that's mostly because girls seem to be so apprehensive about talking to me. I've spoken to like--.... two. Not including you. And they always look at me funny. I know I look twinky, but I'm not--!!
"I figured it'd amuse you. But I'm doing good -- unfortunately, I haven't been licking whipped cream off of anyone as of recent, but if you're up for it, I wouldn't mind doing it again with you, honestly."
