.i've been trying to get this out for awhile
there is something deep inside me that calls me to write. to share my deepest vulnerabilities and experiences that maybe would have ruined some, but i did not have the luxury of giving up, but had to learn to be "resilient" when in reality i'm just the oldest child. the oldest female child; because we all know that makes a difference.
however, I feel incredibly conflicted in this feeling to write and share.
for a many reasons;
one, being that I am still, at some times, unfortunately, functioning from a mindset wherein I am critiquing my actions from what I imagine, or perceive someone's complaints about me would be. I have a few people who live in my mind and exist as these critics. however, I am intellectually aware these are the same people who have in the past, been in my corner undoubtedly more than any others. Why do these still have such a strong presence in my mind that they, in fact, keep from doing quite a lot?
two; I feel conflicted about sharing so much personal information online. I am overly aware of the surveillance state we are forced to exist within... under, we have no choice. so many companies have purchased our lives in data and we have no control over it. there is not way to supersede the online footprint we all have; there is no avoiding someone googling our name or phone number and potentially, very easily, they can find where we live and where we've lived in the past, our parents, siblings, and grandparents names etc etc. not only the (justified) political paranoia, but that anyone on the entire internet will have sensitive information about me, information i have volunteered.















