Daily Progress of a Ghost

Just me I suppose?… Find the remnants of us @shnooks M, 26

[m-bige]

I guess this is me?

- I’m 26

- From NZ

- Māori, NZ European, Italian, Scottish

- Parent of two, half-time carer of one

- I have three younger brothers

This is my second blog, I’ll try to make this more positive/enthusiastic than my other one and mostly have it revolve around me, my daily progress and what’s going on with me. Times may vary as I work night shifts.

If you’re interested in the more depressing one follow @shnooks . (I’m gonna try and move away from this one as it’s emotionally harder to write and any updates will probably be few and far between, but you’ll see glimpses of it come through under “#shnooks” on this page).

Some X colour codes and #’s to remember:

(I’ve also hashtagged this post so you can easily find photos/posts about specific people by clicking on them at the bottom of this post)

My best friend is called ‘#Greeny’.

My favourite cousin is called ‘#Shamoli’

An old flame that I get along with ‘#Witch’

‘#Not_AI’ is an old friend that I’ve met online and played games with for eight-ish years

‘#Conman’ if my workmate and flatmate.

Black - This is my first younger brother, you can call him ‘#Lost’

Yellow - This’ll be the next youngest brother, he’s called ‘#Jules’

Purple - Then this’ll be the last brother, we’ll call him ‘#Nishi’

Pink - This person made me a better person and I care about her deeply. Her name is ‘#Shnooks’

Light green - This’ll be my whāngai (semi-adopted) brother, he goes by ‘#Fiend’

Dark green - She is a really good friend of mine that’s helped me though a lot and the person I message the most. I call her ‘#Nymph’

Red - This’ll be my kid that I get to see, for him we’ll go wiiiiiiiiith… ‘#Nugg’

Orange - This will be my cat, I just call him ‘#Fluff’

Blue - That’s me!

Oh, and I’ll just go by⚡️

[m-bige]

Monday, 15th of July, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Had a shower at work, brushed my teeth twice.

Physical activity - Walked to work from my parents.

Eating - Grabbed some Pita Pit, had some Russian fudge, a bunch of hash browns.

Sleep - 5hrs I think.

Selfcare - Spent some time outside, on the back door and played games and hung out with Fiend online.

Thoughts - Brain was pretty foggy today so not much.

Academic growth - None today

Overall mood - Honestly pretty quiet, average day. Wasn’t really up or down much. Just flat. Which I guess is fine.

What’s up!

Been a bit of a boring day. Woke up and did a bit of cleaning today before spending the majority of the day playing games online with Fiend.

Spent the night at work which has been pretty boring but in my line of work boring is good. We played a couple of games of cards then watched tv and baked.

I’m a bit tired but thankful that this is my last shift. Not to mention it’s Nuggs birthday and he’s 10!! Feel like today is gonna be a good day.

- ⚡️

[m-bige]

14th of July, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth and took care of my piercing.

Physical activity - Nothing today.

Eating - A bit today. Some mince wraps, some smoked salmon a cookie and a piece of brownie, some maccas Fiends girlfriend bought into my work on her way home from the gym.

Sleep - 5hrs today.

Selfcare - Spent some time sitting at the back door, in the sun and had a call with my grandmother.

Thoughts - Today was a bit of a lower day. Just felt like meds weren’t helping as much today and when my mind isn’t stimulated it really struggles to stay positive or even neutral. I wouldn’t say it was ‘bad’ just a bit lower.

Academic growth - None today.

Overall mood - Uhhh as stated above I was a bit off and low but I wasn’t in a ‘bad’ mood. Had a few laughs and a decent bit of lows. Which helped me distract my mind for a good portion of the day too.

Yo!

Today was a bit of a chill day. Spent the day at home watching things and playing some games with Fiend. I met Conman’s current fling when he brought her home after being out of town last night. Had a call with my grandmother, which was lovely. Never really get to have catch-ups with her and one of her sons ended up having brain surgery the other day. Now I’m at work. Not too long ago Fiends girlfriend came over to work to drop off some food for me so we sat, eat and caught up. Now I’m just chilling out and watching Game of Thrones.

Tomorrow I have been a dad for a full decade! That’s such a crazy concept to me! I remember the day that boy was born, spending the whole night awake, holding and looking at him, walking up and down the hospital halls while his mother slept. Today he’s a nerdy nine year old like his dad was, with a love for anime and trading cards. I’m so proud of him, how much he’s grown and the beautiful, kind and caring soul that he is today. And tomorrow he’ll be ten. Double digits! Can’t wait to see him grow even more!

It’s also been two months today since Shnooks and I broke up so it’s going to be an odd day for me for the rest of the day.

Updates over the last month:

I got a tongue piercing, so that’s cool. I lost about 15kgs/33lb due to not eating much and walking a lot though my eating has gotten much better recently. I’ve started therapy, I had my first session on the 9th and have my second on the 17th. I’ve been learning from Conman how to carve stones so I made a necklace.

- ⚡️

[m-bige]

Saturday, 13th of July, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Shower late last night on shift.

Physical activity - Walked 17,000+ steps so about 14.2km/8.8mi.

Eating - Uhhh not too bad. Had about 4 small mince wraps before I left, some cookies and a piece of brownie.

Sleep - About 5hrs. I’ve either been sleeping either too much or too little.

Selfcare - Downtime on video calls with Not_AI and Witch. Had about 1.5hr long calls with each of them. The walk out and about this morning was good and long and helped me expend energy while in a manic state.

Thoughts - My mania kinda made my mind hyperactive so I was kinda unable to focus on anything in the morning. The afternoon was on and off thinking about shnooks and not being able to focus.

Academic growth - None yet.

Overall mood - Ehh, bit up and down. My mania helped me stay out of my head for a good, long while. My catch ups with Witch and Not_AI were both really lovely too. Really enjoy talking to both of them.

Soooooo… Hi…

It’s been a minute. Sorry about that.

I’ve been a bit up and down with everything lately so I’ll try to catch everyone up a bit.

Where have I been? What have I been up to?

I haven’t really been doing much to be honest. Been working and dad-ing and big brother-ing. I’ve been a bit slack on my normal checklist and housework.

How have I been going?

Better I guess. I’ve been laughing and smiling more, enjoying life a little bit. But it’s an odd sensation. I know it’s all due to my anti-depressants being upped and kicking in and not my mental actually properly improving. I will be sitting and laughing with my friends and then will remember something about Shnooks or someone will trigger my memory of her and I’ll kinda spiral out a bit. But I’ve been able to eat more and yeah. Been smoking cigarettes a lot more though…

Anything new happen or notable progress?

Ummmmm not too much really. But I’ve been getting on top of getting through the days in better moods on average now. Oh! And I had my first session of therapy earlier on in the week. Pretty introductory for the first session in and didn’t dive in deep to anything.

That’s kinda all I have to catch up on today as I’m a bit tired and this was more of a catch up than a normal, scheduled post but I’ll try get back into that again.

- ⚡️

[m-bige]

Monday, 10th of June, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth.

Physical activity - Nothing today.

Eating - A combo from maccas.

Sleep - Split sleep about 3hrs each.

Selfcare - Not much today. Caught up with a couple of the boys online.

Thoughts - Uhhh been a bit away, thinking about Shnooks.

Academic growth - Nothing today.

Overall mood - Eh, a bit down. My heads been away. It was a slow day and I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything.

Uhhh not too much to report on today as it was a slow day.

Just waited to get paid, paid off some bills, put money away for things that I want this week (tongue piercing and haircut) and bought a couple games to play. Other than that rest of the day I was just kinda trying to survive.

Oh! I caught up with one of my old mates from overseas over text today which was really nice. I don’t hear from him much and we used to be really tight when we were younger.

I gotta do a bit of cleaning tomorrow ‘cause one of my workmates is moving in. He’s really cool and it’ll be a nice change to my emotional state, loneliness and financial state. But I also have my haircut with Greeny too which will be nice.

Been thinking about shnooks a lot today… I’m tired and I miss her.

Looking at my right arm it’s just full of memories, from my tattoo of a loved one that passed way and the ring and bracelet from shnooks.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Saturday, 8th of June, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth when I woke up and when I got home in the morning. Also had a shower when I got home.

Physical activity - Skated to a cafe, then to mum and dads, to work and then back home after my shift.

Eating - I had two chicken wraps.

Sleep - I slept about 5hrs.

Selfcare - Went and got a coffee then caught up with Nymph for the first time in over a year. Talked to Witch for a good portion of the day.

Thoughts - I don’t know. I think I blanked out a bit today.

Academic growth - None

Overall mood - Alright since my head was blanked. Happy to go and see Nymph and catch up with her.

I don’t know about today. Kinda felt weird. My head wasn’t thinking as much, I woke up ready to do stuff… I felt alright today?… It was weird.

I woke up and messaged Witch while watching some How I Met Your Mother. After a bit I stalled cleaning (whoops) and headed over to the cafe where Nymph and her family live and work. I walked in, asked for a coffee which her mum ended up giving to me for free then me and Nymph sat and talked for about 2hrs… It was nice, simple… sweet… I missed seeing her around. It’s good to have a friend that’s dependable.

After that I headed to mum and dads, caught up with them for a bit and went to work. Work was chill as usual and I spent the shift watching watching rugby and more How I Met Your Mother.

Witch had a performance too which she said went well and I’m really proud of her!

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Wednesday, 7th of June, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth once and had a shower.

Physical activity - Moved around the house a lot cleaning.

Eating - Had some mushroom soup.

Sleep - 5hrs I think?

Selfcare - Cleaning the house more made me feel nicer about myself.

Thoughts - This’ll be what I thought about throughout the day. Today I’ve just been thinking about tattoos, tongue piercings and Shnooks the whole day.

Academic growth - None.

Overall mood - Eh, a bit up and down today. Been thinking a lot and kinda accepting everything while still being really sad. Talking to Witch has helped me a lot just by talking and knowing I’m not the only person going through stuff. We pick each other up and it’s nice.

Hey, sorry again for the delayed posts. Been a bit out-of-it lately.

Over the last few days - Been going to the doctors weekly, taking my meds. Organised a haircut and a tongue piercing to make me feel better about my appearance. Made a checklist for me to do daily to get me into good habits.

Stayed up late last night, playing Hearthstone with Fiend so I slept in a bit. He can genuinely make me laugh, even if it’s fleeting. I miss that motherfucker.

When I woke up I watched a bunch of How I Met Your Mother (my other comfort show) and talked to Witch about their day and how they’re going. They’ve been really thoughtful in consistently catching up with me and making sure I’m okay.

One of my workmates confirmed today that he wants to move in so I spent the remainder of the day cleaning out Nuggs room and moving his stuff all upstairs to my room so my workmate could move into Nuggs - now - old room.

After that I headed into work, which has been quiet as the only kid we have left doesn’t talk much. I jumped on Hearthstone with Fiend while in Discord with him and Lost and then watched How I Met Your Mother when they went to bed.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Saturday, 1st of June, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Had a shower and brushed my teeth twice today.

Physical activity - Not any tbh.

Eating - Mc Donald’s.

Sleep - Not much at all. Maybe 4.

Selfcare - Nothing today.

Academic growth - Nothing.

Overall mood - Fuckin’ shit. Heads playing up and I can’t stop thinking. I’m angry and sad and unmotivated and fuck I just miss her.

Today’s been a fuckin’ struggle. I’ve barely gotten through the day without losing my mind or losing my shit. I want to bawl my eyes out and smash shit and smash myself.

I’m losing my mind and it’s all so fuckin’ hard but it doesn’t seem hard for her. Like she doesn’t miss me one fuckin’ bit and holy fuck it hurts. I’ve just spent all day looking at birthday gifts for her and she talks to me as little as she can.

I’m fuckin’ hurting today.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Friday, 31st of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Pretty slack today but I had a shower at work.

Physical activity - Walked around with Nugg a bit.

Eating - Haven't eaten yet but I will at work.

Sleep - Quite a bit today. Maybe 7? Split up but still.

Selfcare - Saw Greeny, her kids and my cousin (Shamoli) while on my walk with Nugg.

Academic growth - None today.

Overall mood - Um, I'm not sure. Decent I think? Been checking to see if Shooks has been online a lot and really wanting to message her but filled the day up with sleeping and that walk with Nugg before work. Still a bit in my head.

Sorry about not posting the last couple days! Been busy or in my head.

Went and talked to the doctors yesterday. They said I'm doing well although they're still really worried about me. Talked to someone who is supposed to help my mental. Told me to go for a skate more often and will help me with sorting counselling.

Went out for lunch with dad yesterday too which was nice. We don't often see each other, let alone one-on-one time. He's gotten better at understanding his kids feelings even if he's still not 100% good with expressing shit or communicating well.

Today has been alright I think. I slept for majority of it, seeing as I was on shift last night. But got up, picked Nugg up and got on with the day. As it gets later into the night I know my head will play up a bit.

Regardless I saw Greeny and Shamoli today which is always good for me.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Tuesday, 28th of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth twice, had a shower.

Physical activity - Not much today, moved around the house heaps, cleaning.

Eating - Had a full dinner.

Sleep - Jack shit I think. 3hrs?

Selfcare - Spent time with Shnooks, cleaned up the house, sung songs.

Academic growth - N/A.

Overall mood - Alright today. Think I’m still running on manic energy but I had a really great time hanging with Shnooks this morning, making sure she’s alright and looked after (she’s sick at the moment). It was good catching up with an old workmate too.

I had to stay in a little later at work this morning as the next shift was a bit late.

As I was about to jump into my car to leave Shnooks told me she was up and sick so I drove over to the supermarket, grabbed her some chocolate and lolies, a couple of cough, cold and flu medications, a Powerade for some electrolytes, some comfy clothes and a coffee. Then when I got to her house we sat in the car, played music and talked shit. It was a lovely semblance of ‘normal’ and it was just nice to see her pretty face.

Afterwards I went home, tried to get some sleep (that didn’t work out too well, maybe got an hour). When I woke up I cleaned up the kitchen a bit, sang, had a shower and now I’m back at work.

Tonight will go by quietly and just watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Monday, 27th of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - I brushed my teeth. Was gonna have a shower but ended up getting called into work.

Physical activity - Stayed active and cleaned the house all day.

Eating - Had some soft tacos at mum and dads.

Sleep - Had 4-6hrs split up.

Selfcare - Did a big clean of my room.

Academic growth - Nothing today.

Overall mood - I don’t know. I think I’m trynna keep myself overly busy and in a manic state just so I don’t slow down/stop and get stuck in my head.

Once again; sorry for missing a day! Yesterday was ROUGH and I couldn’t focus enough to write.

Woke up today and forced myself up to get cleaning and start moving so I did a full clean of my room! Cleared out all the rubbish, cleaned out all the clothes - dirty, clean, Nugg’s and Shnooks’ - vacuumed, cleaned my cupboard, contained the to if my drawers, moved the extra bed that’s in there to use it like a couch, moved a coffee table up there, set up my laptop and my rocks. Also sorted a bunch of washing.

I also sorted out a couple checklists on my phone to help me stay active and sorted throughout the days and to build some positive habits!

I got called in for an extra shift at work so beforehand I headed over to mum and dads for dinner with my younger brother.

I also bought a Polaroid camera and am going to take a pic every day of the year as a little positive project.

Shnooks is sick atm and I hope she lets me help look after her, even if it’s only a little bit. ‘Cause I am forever worried abut her and know what’ll help her… Regardless of which I sent her a message letting her know I’m here if she needs me.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Saturday, 25th of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth and had a shower at work.

Physical activity - Got out of the house and went for a walk with Greeny.

Eating - Got down a medium 10pc nugget combo but was really full afterwards. It’s the first full meal I’ve eaten in about two weeks.

Sleep - Quite a bit I think. I crashed out for a good couple hours at work and then a couple at home. It’s early and I’m already tired.

Selfcare - Spent a decent amount of time with Greeny today. She came over, talked to me, helped me clean, got me some vape juice and bought me some dinner.

Academic growth - Read some manga at work tonight.

Overall mood - Started off the day pretty shitty. Just wanted to sleep and then any time I’d think too long I’d start spiraling. Then Greeny came over and talked with me about me and Shnooks, which sucked but she helped a lot. At work it was quiet so I got stuck in my head again and it didn’t go well.

It’s Lost’s birthday today, I miss him a bit but am unable to fully express to him how much I miss him and am proud of him I am in my current state. I’ll see him next month and hopefully I’m doing a bit better then and can actually celebrate with him.

Pretty slow day today but Greeny came over, helped me clean my house and then talked to me about how to keep moving and pushing. She understands me and it’s nice to have her around. She’s not judgemental towards me and I her. I saved her from going down a couple dark roads and she’s helped me do the same. She made sure I ate and even bought me some vape juice which was lovely of her.

After that I headed to work. Did a bit of reading after the youth went to bed, then cleaned and it was a normal night at work.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Friday, 24th of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Slack today. Didn’t do anything but I’ll try to remember to brush my teeth and shower when I get home.

Physical activity - Nothing.

Eating - Nothing so far. I’ll try eat something soon.

Sleep - A good amount. Maybe 6 all up.

Selfcare - Not much today, sat at home and watched Scrubs all day.

Academic growth - N/A

Overall mood - Pretty flat day today. Not feeling great but not feeling as bad as other days. Still genuinely really sad but it’s the tiniest bit better than yesterday at least.

My day was pretty meh. Stayed up and watched YouTube and Scrubs last night.

In the morning I got up and took Nugg to school, it’s the day he goes back to his mums today. I headed back home and slept for a couple hours.

I spent the rest of the day laying in bed watching scrubs. Today was a bit of a shitty feeling day so I just tried to rest and mentally prepare for work tonight.

I should have done something today but I was just real low and felt off.

Work was quiet and I struggled with that quite a bit. I normally game all night but I haven’t really had any joy in playing games the last couple months so I just tried to fill the night watching things.

I can tell I’m still really off ‘cause one of the kids at work had a phone call and it made me fuckin’ furious. I kept my mouth shut but I was still really angry. I barely ever get angry at the kids.

With that mood my mind fed off that energy and I spiralled a bit, really not wanting to be here.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Thursday, 23rd of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Had a shower and brushed my teeth twice.

Physical activity - Not much today.

Eating - Had a drumstick and a little bit of chips.

Sleep - 3hrs full sleep then 2 hrs restless.

Self care - Watched some Scrubs, spent some time with Nugg and watched him at rugby practice.

Academic growth - Nothing today, just exhausted and waiting for my mind to settle.

Overall mood - It’s been a bit of an unproductive day. All facets of me, my soul and my person are exhausted and although yesterday was a nice way to end things I still feel like a huge chunk of me is gone.

I guess the day after is always the hardest, huh?

Wasn’t able to fall asleep last night even though I was shattered early on into the night. Just couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t get comfortable, just wanted to message Shnooks.

After all these years it’s kinda kicked in more than ever before that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Not only relationship wise but me as a person because I could’ve done something to fix myself in the last seven years but haven’t. She was GENUINELY everything that I’ve ever wanted and yet I still wouldn’t fix myself.

I’m trying to sort therapy or counselling or psychiatry so I can fix myself but it wholeheartedly breaks me that I couldn’t do it before it got ANYWHERE near this point.

This whole situation is all I can think about and I feel like it’s sucking everything from me. I feel like it’s making me a bad dad despite still doing everything I need to; making sure he’s safe, well fed, got warm clothes on, enjoying school, enjoying sports. But with me just being fully exhausted I feel like I’m not fun or fully communicative.

After I woke up I dropped Nugg off to school and came back home to get some shut-eye. I got another hour and a half but it was restless. I can’t sleep without the tv on anymore. I used to not be able to fall asleep unless it was dead silent but now I need something to drown out my thoughts or fill out the empty room or attempt to distract me.

It doesn’t work very well.

Regardless of which I pushed myself up to have a shower and brush my teeth. Can’t bring myself to clean properly yet and I’m dreading to start back at work tomorrow night.

Grabbed Nugg after school, grabbed his rugby gear then headed over to rugby practice. Then went over to mum and dads for dinner, had some KFC, had a quick catch up with dad and Nishi and then took Nugg home and put him to bed.

Finished the afternoon watching Scrubs and some YouTube.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Wednesday, 25th of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth twice, had a shower and moisturised.

Physical activity - Nothing today.

Eating - Had a bit of Sushi w/ Shnooks. And some Maccas for dinner.

Sleep - 4hrs. Hard to put my mind to rest knowing what was coming up.

Selfcare - Hung out with Fiend and spent a good last day with Shnooks. Been a while since we were able to communicate normally so it was nice. Ended the day with Fiend, his gf and Nugg.

Academic growth - N/A

Overall mood - I’m unsure. Spent the whole morning - from the time i woke up to the time that shnooks arrived - worried about how our last day together went. During our time together i felt happy and sad but it was hard. She’s the most beautiful person in the world to me (apart from Nugg) and it was hard to not kiss her. Very bittersweet.

Sooooo, I’m sorry about not uploading yesterday. I was in a bit of a state. I ended up in hospital for fainting due to lack of sleeping, eating and drinking. That was the majority of my day. Felt shitty that no one came up to see if I was alright. I was there by myself for 6hrs. Fiend came and stayed with me and Nugg, hung out with us and stayed the night in the spare room.

Today was a real bittersweet day. Helped Shnooks pack the rest of her stuff away and into her car but we talked a lot. Talked a little bit about our past and our present. Talking briefly about the future.

It was all calm but a lot of it was sad. A decent amount of it was positive and I just reassured her that I’m always here to help whenever - and for WHATEVER - she needs and let her keep a key to the house if she ever needs a safe space to relax and restore or re-centre herself. This was her home too and I’d like to always keep it as a home and safe space for her.

I also told her “you’ve got this” constantly. She’s amazing and forgets that regularly and just needed to give her reassurance to help her keep going.

We promised that if either of us reached our breaking that we’d call the other so that gives me hope that she’ll be alright and if not I can at least help her out.

She has been a part of me for over a quarter of my life. She is a HUGE part of who I am now and whatever I grow to be.

I GENUINELY hope she finds happiness, whether it’s out there in the without or back here with me.

Fiend and his gf came over, had dinner and hung out with me and Nugg and that was nice, then I finished the night watching Critical Role.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Monday, 20th of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Brushed my teeth twice, had a shower and moisturised.

Physical activity - Went for a little walk today and did a workout.

Eating - Nothing today.

Sleep - Same old 5hrs.

Selfcare - Went and saw the doctors and talked to them about shit that’s going on. Took my meds.

Academic growth - N/A.

Meds - First day taken so I have to start in half dosages.

Overall mood - Honestly probably the worst so far. Spent most of the day a fuckin’ sobbing mess.

Eh, pretty shit day mentally. But I went and talked to the doctors twice today. Sorted some meds and started the process of looking for a councillor. They also wanna check me for ADHD when I emotionally level out a bit.

Also have son today which was nice. He’s so sweet, he knows I’ve been down and been checking on me, randomly saying “you alright dad?” and “I love you”. He’s caught me crying a bit and has came over to give me a cuddle and have a bit of a cry too.

But took son to school today, watched scrubs all day. Felt a bit sad and couldn’t really get out of the bed. But then picked up son from school, got him ready to go to bed, dropped him off at mum and dads while I went to the doctors, picked son back up, grabbed him some takeaways for our Monday Takeaways day then we went home and he went to bed and I watched Scrubs for the remainder of the night.

Also I’m at 98kgs. First time in 7ish years I’ve been under 100kgs (normally hovering around 108-110, with max being 115ish).

UPDATE: I ended up having a home core workout. Shit was tooooough and my stomach fuckin’ hurts.

-⚡️

[m-bige]

Sunday, 19th of May, 2024

Current progress:

Hygiene - Didn’t shower today though I meant to. Brushed my teeth once.

Physical activity - Went for a state and walked up a hill tonight.

Eating - Ha a small amount of Thai at mum and dads but other than that, nothing.

Sleep - 5hrs again I think. Maybe a bit broken up due to going to see shnooks last night. Slept for half an hour or so then woke up at 3 hung with her for an hour then went to sleep again at 6.

Selfcare - Vacuumed the house a bit, saw the fam for dinner, went for a skate and a smoke.

Academic growth - Nothing yet. When my head levels out I’ll attempt to start this up again.

Overall mood - I’m not too sure to be honest? Happy that I saw shnooks but I think it made everything feel like a bit more of a dream, I guess?.. So I’ve been iffy. Felt like a bit of normality for the first time in a couple of weeks now. Now it feels surreal again.

I honestly didn’t do too much today. Scrubs had been my comfort show - yet again - so I’ve restarted that for the 500th time.

I vacuumed a bit but SHIT Fluff’s well… fluff is still DEEP in that carpet so it took a bit.

Following that I had dinner at the fams and it was mums turn to cook, so - as you’ll come to find out - that means take aways. I had a tiny bit of that and two beers. With the small amount of food, sleep and water the two beers hit a bit harder than usual.

After that I went for a skate a bit tipsy, walked up a hill then smoked, I am currently up there now with my high coming down. Think I needa be out of the house and my head for a bit longer so I’ll probably have more soon.

-⚡️