Past Lives (2023)

pixel skylines
Cosmic Funnies
sheepfilms
dirt enthusiast
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

#extradirty
NASA
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Keni
Game of Thrones Daily
Mike Driver
YOU ARE THE REASON
Misplaced Lens Cap
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

tannertan36
Stranger Things

Kaledo Art
h
almost home
One Nice Bug Per Day

seen from Germany

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from Türkiye
seen from Switzerland
seen from United Kingdom

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Maldives
seen from Germany
seen from United States

seen from Ireland
seen from Türkiye

seen from Germany

seen from Poland
@m0th-lotus
Past Lives (2023)
BEEF (2023) EP 10 | “Figures of Light”
07.07.2022
12 days ago. we broke up again. but oh my, how much i have realised about this man. i thought he was a pure, nice, soul. and that we just ... didn’t want the same things. which i was ok with. this human being has tormented me so much it’s actually unbelievable. this guy has broken up with me not once, not twice, but around 4-5 times. yeah. you read that correctly. and he came back, every single damn time. each time with bigger promises to get better. and i fell for it every time. but this time, it’s different. we will never get back together. never. he threatened to get physical with me. and that’s when i understood that this man can’t be saved. previously when he has broken up with me, oh god how sad i’ve been. it’s been pure hell, you have no idea. but something is different this time. i’ve discovered that this man is not human like you or me. no, not at all. to keep it short; this guy is a full blown narcissist. and i didn’t fully realise it until he was gone. i’ve had a feeling that he is different than others. and that thought just kept on rolling. and eventually, after seeing some videos online, i realised that he checked out on many of the symptoms of narcissism: grandiose sense of self-importance, needs constant praise and admiration, sense of entitlement, exploits others without guilt or shame. frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies or belittle others. manipulates, gaslights, lovebombing. you name it. it just hit me. holy shit, i have been manipulated and lovebombed by a narcissist! it all makes sense now! and from there on and out.. well yeah, it has been easier to deal with us not being together anymore. of course i can still sometimes miss him. but i also understand that i dont miss him, but rather the person i thought he was. he’s not that man i thought he was. he is just a shell of a human. funny how he called me that in the very beginning. “what was your first impression of my pictures before you met me?” i asked him. “an empty shell” he had replied. i also caught onto something which he mirrored me with. we were talking about our hobbies and interests - and we had a lot in common. he then said to me: “i feel like you are mirroring me”. can you understand how skilled this person is at manipulating? he just got worse and worse. got angry at me for caring for him. i brought him a glucose tube, for him to keep in his jacket. because he had just some days before this fainted at his job because of his diabetes and low glucose levels. “you are behaving like my mom” he said to me, as i had given him this for him to keep him safe. slowly but surely he flipped my head around. i began thinking that it was something seriously wrong with me. maybe i am sick, i thought. looking back at it, it was just me reacting normally to him destroying me, little by little. no words can describe how happy i am to get to continue to live without this human being. it will never be like that again. and from now on, i can look forward again. i can be excited to live. to smile. to laugh. i am finally free. i am finally free.
29.05.2022
another day for journaling. today has been a bit better. still, i had that empty feeling like i usually do when i wake up. this empty feeling is still following me a bit, even now. i want to write some stuff but i don’t know exactly what... i’ll just jump into what affected me the most today. i saw his following go up today. made my heart jump. it made me sad also. sad that i can be so easy to replace. that i meant nothing to this person. he just continue to live his life like nothing happened between us. i saw a tik tok saying “the butterfly effect is so scary. if i didn’t show up to that date that evening, i wouldn’t be so heartbroken right now”. i connected with that. if i just didn’t go on that date that evening, i would never have met him. i would never gotten this hurt as i am today. my hopes wouldn’t have gotten so high. hopes of a beautiful love, a beautiful life and a beautiful future. but i did go on that date. and i fell hard for that person. and i thought he did too. maybe he did. until he didn’t. 3 weeks ago. time goes by so fast. 3 weeks without touching him, hugging him, smelling him. it’s soul draining.
28.05.2022
i’m just gonna use this shit for journaling. journaling how i feel, every single day. just writing whatever i wanna write about. be it happy, sad, mad, annoyed thoughts. you name it. people get tired of me ranting, which is very understandable. so i just post my thoughts here, and then i can read back on this, and see how i felt in that moment. today’s been fucking rough. i can’t help it. feeling so lonely and down, every single day. but it’s almost beautiful, too. lately all i wanna do is go to work, be distracted and be around other people. immediately when i’m alone all the dark thought come back and i feel so lonely. it’s the worst it’s ever been. i try my best to hang out and call friends. it helps in the moment. i feel a very heavy burden in my chest and it’s difficult to go on, living life every single day. sometimes i want to dissapear, but i’m afraid that i’m going to miss out on what life has to offer. at the same time, i’m also afraid that if i continue, i might mainly have a bad life in front of me. i kinda wish that i knew what comes next, that would help me in my descision. at this point, i don’t even care who might read this. crazy stalkers who might know my tumblr, old friends, present friends. go ahead and read. just don’t use it against me. take my words for my words, and nothing else. don’t try to analyze this, because i will write exactly what is on my mind, no mind games, no symbols, no nothing. just my exact thoughts. today has been especially difficult since i miss him. but i don’t necessarily miss him, i just miss who i thought i was in a relationship with. a kind, loving, protecting, funny, family-oriented man. a man who was in love with me. maybe he was, i don’t know. i will never know. but i do know one thing; he lied a lot to me, disrespected me, and didn’t make time for me. that’s who he really was - to me, at least. so my biggest sorrow is that i did not fall in love with the man i thought he was. and i remind my self that every day now. he is manipulative, and knows how to push my buttons. i try not to check up on him but it’s hard not to. one day hopefully i won’t check up on him at all. i know he is a mainly nice person. he just didn’t want what i wanted, and that is ok. i don’t blame him for that. i just wish he would leave me alone, not block, unblock, block me. view my stories. swipe yes on me on tinder then lie about how it happened. i just wish he would not do that. i wish that if he really didn’t want me, that he could at least leave me alone. he was the one who broke up with me, after all. i’m dissapointed that i’m in the exact same situation i was in a year ago. i won’t go too much into details about that. i just want to say i’m exactly where i was one year ago. that shit hurts. i wish i was another place in life. yeah, i’ve almost graduated from my masters degree. i will soon get a steady, good job. i will soon buy the apartment i’m leasing. things in life are going somewhat smoothly. i take shifts at my sidejob at the nursing home. i get some money there. but emotionally, i’m absolutely not where i wish i would be today. i’ve started seeing a therapist. so far, i have mixed feelings. when i tell her about stuff, she often ask me: “and what emotions do you get when you say these things?”. i don’t always know. sometimes i feel sad, angry. sometimes nothing. i feel irritated when i feel nothing. why ask all the time. why can’t we have a conversation? i want more feedback. i told her that, so we’ll see what she does. she’s kind and i look forward to seeing her. i just hope it’s worth the time and money i put into it. my therapist seems so confident that i am high functioning. maybe i am. but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like that. she sometimes say “i can tell you get through your days. you work, you study. you meet up with friends”. sure, i do. but sometimes i feel like i should just give up. why bother being here? so how could she say i’m functional. maybe just because i’m managing to go through all those things while still feeling what i’m feeling. i can see that. but i get annoyed because it feels like no one is taking me seriously. at the same time, i don’t like when people take me serious about my pain and suffering. i can sometimes get a window with maximum 30 minutes where i can talk to a very small handful people about exactly how i feel. then it gets uncomfortable and i want them to stop taking me seriously and not talk about me anymore. i want them to shut up. i don’t mean to sound ungrateful. i’m not. maybe i am sometimes. but mainly i’m very grateful for those who are willing to listen to me. i sit on a lot of endless suffering so i’m glad they are able to help me by listening. i don’t mean to use people. i like to talk about them too. it lifts me up. right now i’m starting to feel emberassed. it’s like even here, writing, the 30 minutes also count. i’m mainly done expressing how i feel right now. i will come back tomorrow and write more. i just want to write one more thing. i’m looking forward so so so much to be happy again. it comes in small raindrops, those happy moments. i’m looking forward to more of those. waves of happiness. tsunamis. fucking.. floods. those will come. i can feel it. so it’s kind of stupid that i am so negative. but that’s just how i am. but i feel a bit better after journaling, actually. anyways. those good days. will come. i know it. i hope for it. i pray for it. i continue to live for it.
if things are not better by this time next year im not doing this anymore
snowy seoul • source
Templo Expiatorio del Santísimo Sacramento, Mexico by Rafael Cedano
Squid Game ep 6:
Water lilies gently floating, as the golden sky is reflected on the water.
who is she
dj djungelskog
tried my best to get a photo of the partial lunar eclipse in progress!!
starting to fall in love with life again.