i’m just gonna use this shit for journaling. journaling how i feel, every single day. just writing whatever i wanna write about. be it happy, sad, mad, annoyed thoughts. you name it. people get tired of me ranting, which is very understandable. so i just post my thoughts here, and then i can read back on this, and see how i felt in that moment.
today’s been fucking rough. i can’t help it. feeling so lonely and down, every single day. but it’s almost beautiful, too. lately all i wanna do is go to work, be distracted and be around other people. immediately when i’m alone all the dark thought come back and i feel so lonely. it’s the worst it’s ever been. i try my best to hang out and call friends. it helps in the moment. i feel a very heavy burden in my chest and it’s difficult to go on, living life every single day. sometimes i want to dissapear, but i’m afraid that i’m going to miss out on what life has to offer. at the same time, i’m also afraid that if i continue, i might mainly have a bad life in front of me. i kinda wish that i knew what comes next, that would help me in my descision.
at this point, i don’t even care who might read this. crazy stalkers who might know my tumblr, old friends, present friends. go ahead and read. just don’t use it against me. take my words for my words, and nothing else. don’t try to analyze this, because i will write exactly what is on my mind, no mind games, no symbols, no nothing. just my exact thoughts.
today has been especially difficult since i miss him. but i don’t necessarily miss him, i just miss who i thought i was in a relationship with. a kind, loving, protecting, funny, family-oriented man. a man who was in love with me. maybe he was, i don’t know. i will never know. but i do know one thing; he lied a lot to me, disrespected me, and didn’t make time for me. that’s who he really was - to me, at least. so my biggest sorrow is that i did not fall in love with the man i thought he was. and i remind my self that every day now. he is manipulative, and knows how to push my buttons. i try not to check up on him but it’s hard not to. one day hopefully i won’t check up on him at all. i know he is a mainly nice person. he just didn’t want what i wanted, and that is ok. i don’t blame him for that. i just wish he would leave me alone, not block, unblock, block me. view my stories. swipe yes on me on tinder then lie about how it happened. i just wish he would not do that. i wish that if he really didn’t want me, that he could at least leave me alone. he was the one who broke up with me, after all.
i’m dissapointed that i’m in the exact same situation i was in a year ago. i won’t go too much into details about that. i just want to say i’m exactly where i was one year ago. that shit hurts. i wish i was another place in life. yeah, i’ve almost graduated from my masters degree. i will soon get a steady, good job. i will soon buy the apartment i’m leasing. things in life are going somewhat smoothly. i take shifts at my sidejob at the nursing home. i get some money there. but emotionally, i’m absolutely not where i wish i would be today.
i’ve started seeing a therapist. so far, i have mixed feelings. when i tell her about stuff, she often ask me: “and what emotions do you get when you say these things?”. i don’t always know. sometimes i feel sad, angry. sometimes nothing. i feel irritated when i feel nothing. why ask all the time. why can’t we have a conversation? i want more feedback. i told her that, so we’ll see what she does. she’s kind and i look forward to seeing her. i just hope it’s worth the time and money i put into it.
my therapist seems so confident that i am high functioning. maybe i am. but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like that. she sometimes say “i can tell you get through your days. you work, you study. you meet up with friends”. sure, i do. but sometimes i feel like i should just give up. why bother being here? so how could she say i’m functional. maybe just because i’m managing to go through all those things while still feeling what i’m feeling. i can see that. but i get annoyed because it feels like no one is taking me seriously. at the same time, i don’t like when people take me serious about my pain and suffering. i can sometimes get a window with maximum 30 minutes where i can talk to a very small handful people about exactly how i feel. then it gets uncomfortable and i want them to stop taking me seriously and not talk about me anymore. i want them to shut up.
i don’t mean to sound ungrateful. i’m not. maybe i am sometimes. but mainly i’m very grateful for those who are willing to listen to me. i sit on a lot of endless suffering so i’m glad they are able to help me by listening. i don’t mean to use people. i like to talk about them too. it lifts me up.
right now i’m starting to feel emberassed. it’s like even here, writing, the 30 minutes also count. i’m mainly done expressing how i feel right now. i will come back tomorrow and write more.
i just want to write one more thing. i’m looking forward so so so much to be happy again. it comes in small raindrops, those happy moments. i’m looking forward to more of those. waves of happiness. tsunamis. fucking.. floods. those will come. i can feel it. so it’s kind of stupid that i am so negative. but that’s just how i am. but i feel a bit better after journaling, actually. anyways. those good days. will come. i know it. i hope for it. i pray for it. i continue to live for it.
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