When we are going through difficult times with our husband or wife, our first inclination is usually to pray for God to change the situation – usually that means for God to change them. After all, you are the injured party, right? You have been doing all you can do to fix the situation and it isn’t getting any better. It might even be getting worse. What is wrong with your spouse anyway? You may be thinking that if they prayed more or walked closer with God that they would do the right thing.
But that isn’t really your business. That is between that person and God.
Yes, you should lead and guide and influence, but you can’t force or threaten or intimidate someone into living for God. Some husbands don’t understand a husband’s God appointed role as the spiritual authority over his wife. Many wives don’t understand a wife’s God appointed role of submission to her husband.
A husband is not supposed to lord over his wife, telling her what to do, treating her as if she were a child. That is not his role. When he does that, he takes away the free will that God gave all of us. Yes, he should influence and lead. Yes, she should allow him to lead her. But it has to be her choice.
When one partner does not fulfill their role as God designed for their marriage, it can cause a major breakdown in the relationship. When the other partner responds in an over-the-top manner such as the wife being overly submissive or the husband being overly authoritative, the whole relationship begins to crumble.
In a marriage, a wife who is overly submissive often results in a man who is overly authoritative. The danger here is that it can get to a point where the man sees the woman as an extension of himself, more like an appendage than a partner. Likewise, a wife who is rebellious can often result in the husband being overly authoritative, thinking he must use a heavy hand to control her, or he becomes the submissive one in the marriage. This latter scenario results in a Jezebel and Ahab situation which is far from God’s plan.
Balance is the key to a Godly marriage. If the woman is overly submissive, the man must help her to better understand her role as the Bible defines it. She is not a doormat or a child or an extension of the man, rather she is his helpmate, a compliment to him, a partner and companion.
Both the husband and wife have a responsibility to maintain and healthy and proper balance of submission and authority in the marriage. If one partner fails in their role by either overdoing it or shirking their responsibility, it is not the place of the other partner to condemn or admonish their mate.
I will say this again. If a wife is rebellious or overly submissive it is not her husband’s job to punish her, condemn her or belittle her. It is his duty to PRAY for her and lovingly lead her – by example first. But ultimately, it is God’s job to convict her. It is also the same for a husband who is overly authoritative and controlling or who has taken on the role of submission to his wife. It is not his wife’s duty to belittle him or admonish him or condemn him. Instead, she should be covering him in prayer.
That is why from day one a couple should be praying together and reading scripture together. Yes, you should each have individual time with God, but you must also come together in prayer as well. Cover each other in prayer before any problems arise. I would even suggest praying together each day before you are married. Start laying the foundation as early as possible.
If you are in a marriage that is already in trouble, there is still hope. Understand your role as a husband or wife. Understand the dangers of human nature and be mindful of how you respond to your partner. Prayer for yourself and for your partner is the best thing you can do in your situation. And always look beyond the romantic love you have for your spouse. Find the Christ-like love for them and operate through that. Seek His guidance and let His love for you and your spouse lead you in your response.
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