Maddy Carter

26, she/her 🏳️‍⚧️ pansexual This blog is just somewhere for me to put my journey of transitioning No need to interact if you’re a TERF or any other type of bigot

[maddysfxckedup]

I haven’t posted up here in awhile, I just got out of residential a few weeks ago, now I’m in sober living, I’m loving Cali so much I plan on staying here

[maddysfxckedup]

Update

Cw:suicide

So I had an attempt on the 14th that almost succeeded, I OD’d and by the time I got to the hospital the doctors weren’t sure if I was going to make it. I ended up in the ICU for 2 days before they discharged me to the mental facility. I spent 3 days there and now I’m in an intense outpatient program, where I have to spend 3 hours a day, 4 days a week back at the hospital for group therapy. I should be done with that in 6 weeks though.

[maddysfxckedup]

I’m back!!!

I just got back from the hospital and literally I feel so much better, I feel like everything is so fresh and brand new. Like so much of my anxiety and stress has just melted away. The way I’m experiencing the world is so much different right now, I really hope it lasts ☺️

[maddysfxckedup]

I spent the day with my friends but I still don’t trust myself to be home alone so they’re about to take me to the hospital

[maddysfxckedup]

I packed a bag and now I’m just driving around trying to figure out if I should go to the hospital or not😣😖😖

[maddysfxckedup]

Cw; SH

People don’t really see my posts up here so I just need to vent I guess, I’m going through a divorce with my partner of almost 11 years.. I’m crushed and my BPD is going crazy, I feel so fucking alone and worthless. Like I feel broken, I can’t get these bad thoughts to go away, I can’t sleep, I can’t go to work, I relapsed after 14 months clean from SH, it’s just getting worse and worse and I dont know how to make these thoughts go away. I’m unlovable, I’m too much and not enough all at the same time, I can’t stop crying, I just want to disappear

[maddysfxckedup]

I just want another trans girl to make out and cuddle with while talking about the benefits of communism and how reactionary conservative politics are gonna be the end of western civilization 🥺

[maddysfxckedup]

Well for the first time in over 10 years I’m single again ;-; and to help find myself I’m planning a cross country solo road trip in September

[maddysfxckedup]

Going to my first orgy today 😳 I’m so nervous 😭

[maddysfxckedup]

Happy Halloweekend

[nativenews]

[maddysfxckedup]

Uuuugh I’m so tired all the time

[maddysfxckedup]

Yikes.

Pro tip; don’t spend an hour looking through your depression blog from 2011 😣😣😣

[maddysfxckedup]

Learning myself

Cw:nsfw

Things are so wild since I started dating again, different guys are completely different, some guys are super sweet, want to know your pets names, will pick you up. Other guys will call you a whore for asking for help paying for a $60 Uber out to see them. Some guys want to be romantic and are gentle with you, other guys wanna rip you in half all for their own pleasure. Men are so weird and honestly I’ve gotten really scared of a lot of guys and ended up having to block them. But one thing I’ve noticed is all the guys that are hot and sweet are wayy too far away 😭😭😭 but it’s been really fun trying different positions, different sizes, really exploring myself and others sexually, I’m currently talking to a couple right now and I’ve never done that before and it’s scary, but it could be fun so I think I’m gonna go for it 😅 is this a kind of thing y’all would like to keep seeing? I can also keep this all to myself if not 😝

[maddysfxckedup]

Story time

Cw:nsfw

Oh my god, so I’ve been in an afab/amab relationship for the past 10 years and my whole life before that the most I had ever done was kiss a boy when I was a teenager. So me and my partner have opened up our marriage doing enm and why didn’t anyone tell me how amazing it is to get topped?? Like oh my god it’s such an amazing feeling, and like giving head is like my favorite pastime now, pdjevgwisvwkfkcis it’s just so affirming and hot and oh my god it’s just so amazing, I just wish there was a trans top in my area 😭😭😭😭😭

[maddysfxckedup]

My outfit to my last hook up, I felt so fucking pretty 💕💜

[maddysfxckedup]

Look at this moth that let me get super close in my flower bed