The Run Around

Mark | 30 | Konnichiwa | Fair warning my blog is a fucking mess

[madlost1]

Had a dream about a girl I have never met. Everything was so easy and wonderful between the two of us. Conversation flowed with no problems. It seemed like she actually liked me. I haven’t woken up crying like that in quite awhile. Why can’t I find the same in real life and not be forced to live it out in a dream world that is always cut way too short?

[madlost1]

Every time if liked someone.

No interest

Don't know never found out

No interest

No interest

Has a boyfriend

No interest

Has a girlfriend

Why do I even bother looking at someone anymore and thinking they are cute. No point in trying since I'm apparently a ugly idiot and uninteresting as shit.

[madlost1]

I hate days where I realize just how hilariously pointless my search for companionship in this world is. There’s this kind of new girl at work that I find really cute and she seen my shirt today and started talking about it and I could only muster up a few words in response. Not like I was expecting it to lead anywhere but I’ll never really know. Then as the day went on I thought about it more and more and started hating myself even more for it. This always happens to me I always feel like I never have anything to talk about with anyone and then this really cute girl starts talking to me about anime, something I absolutely love and I blank. I don’t feel like I’ll ever find anyone because quite frankly who wants to be with a 30 year old fat piece of trash that still lives with his parents and has pretty much barely any friends and can’t even hold a conversation. I’m not funny, not interesting, pretty broke, fat as fuck and look stupid as shit and I’m going to die alone one day and get eaten by my cat. 

[madlost1]

I have to be up at 4 and I'm not even the slightest bit tired right now.

[madlost1]

I kind of hope I dont wake up in the morning. Sorry to be a downer it's just been a really bad night.

[madlost1]

I hate my body. None of my clothes seem to fit right and I feel like I'm losing weight and can kind of see it at least a bit but my weight goes up on the scale. Quite frankly I feel and look like shit.

[madlost1]

I'm so stupid.

[madlost1]

So the general consensus from the people I told about the other night has been that I fucked up horribly with what i said but idk. What was I supposed to say? I wasnt going to tell her how I feel about her. Shes in a relationship. I shouldn't feel anything when it comes to her. I should just accept it and move on. Which in a way I did. I guess. I dont know. My brains fucked when it comes to this kind of shit.

[madlost1]

Girl I Like: "Why do you never smile back? I always give you the biggest smiles."

Me Internally: "Because I really like you and am too shy to say anything and even if I wasnt I know you have a boyfriend so it wouldn't even matter so I just kind of suppress the joy that I get from your smiles so I dont have to tell you the truth."

Actually Me: "I'm just not really a smiley person."

Guys I really really hate myself sometimes. I'm so fucking stupid.

[madlost1]

Well I did type out a post but it seems to be lost in the internet right now thanks to this wonderful app so whenever it shows back up again I guess it will post.

[madlost1]

Why is the tumblr app such a piece of hot garbage?

[madlost1]

I've now been asked by 8 people what's wrong and I cant figure out a way to put it that I dont find to be absolutely stupid.

[madlost1]

I havent really been upset with much in a while now but this morning has hit me like a brick so far.

[madlost1]

Kind of wish I wasn’t so damn observant of everything all the time.

[japanismblog]

Gotokuji Temple | source 

[japanpix]

Everyone has a similar photo from Kyoto

[madlost1]

Idk maybe I'm just meant to be alone.