February 4
Have you ever woke up from sleeping, only to cry because you’re awake? Have you ever had an alternate life in your dreams, and then let down because you have to face reality? Ever felt so incredibly hopeless to where you question what is the point to anything? Guys, I am just going to come out and say it; Depression is real. It comes in many shapes and sizes and it totally unique to each person suffering from it. Sometimes you can tell in a person you interact with on a daily basis, and sometimes it goes completely unnoticed. In my case, it is both I believe. I have suffered from this for as long as I can remember, maybe not entirely sure what it was in the beginning, but looking back I know that I have always had depression and bi-polar.
For some people there are reasons why they become depressed. Their family life sucks. They can’t make friends. They have a shit job and can hardly get by in life. Well I am here to tell you that is not always the case. I have wonderful friends and family. I have a lot of things most people can’t say they have. I have travelled to many places in the world and have experienced a lot. I am grateful for everything I have. But there is always that one little voice in the back of my head nagging at me saying what is the point of it all? What is the point of anything? Lately I have been on a downward swing. Part of being bi-polar is the major ups and downs. Most of my friends have seen my mania. Ever seen me so drunk I don’t even remember my name? Ever seen me do copious amounts of drugs in one night? Ever seen me do these things for days, even weeks on end? It’s called self medicating and it is a really bad habit of mine. A lot of peoples problems have to do with over thinking and stressing and being super anxious. That is not me, I don’t have any problems with my anxiety. The reason for that is that when I am alone, or when I am not out self medicating or working, I have no thoughts. Not one. On my days off of work I can lay in bed morning till night, without a book, without netflix, without any sort of entertainment, and just lay there. Not thinking. Not talking. Not feeling anything. I don’t feel the need to talk to any of my friends or family. I can go days like this. Until the day I crack and wonder about my existence and wonder what people do with their lives. Why am I not in school and why can’t I do anything? The only reason I get out of bed is to go to my place of work, which I hate, make no money, then go back to my bed and lay there until the next day when I have to get up to go back to work. I question the little things like what’s the point in doing my laundry, what’s the point in shaving my legs, what’s the point in having relationships. What’s the point in going to school if you have no interest in anything? Why don’t I have any interest in anything? So I’ll just lay here. And just exist. Stop the thinking. And waste an other day in my life. Why am I like this? Isn’t it better to just stop existing all together?
All of high school my teachers always where on my back about what I am going to do with the rest of my life, which college I am going to attend and what degree I want and what career path I am going to follow. I basically failed high school for that reason. I stopped caring about homework and I stopped caring about my path. Again, what was the point? I’ve never had any real interest in anything, and yet I had an interest in everything. But with those interests I never wanted to pursue them and make a career out of them. Take marine biology for example, I think the ocean is fascinating. But will I ever go to school to study that? Hell no. I used to love to write, until my teachers made me write for assignments, and then I stopped loving to write. I loved singing in the choir but have I sang anything out of school? No. One of my biggest issues I struggle with myself is my lack of interest in any real one thing. Which leads me to not going to school, which leads me to not having any clue how I am going to support myself for the rest of my life. The one thing I have found that I remotely enjoyed is working in restaurants. And that is slowly starting to deteriorate as my boss doesn’t believe in me enough to put me where I belong and where I can make more money. With my old boss he believed in me so much he gave me the best shifts and cared about me and my life and inspired me to maybe one day manage a restaurant and then one day open up my own. Now that I am where I am at now, I basically am chop liver. I get shit on by my managers, never getting any shifts I deserve and when I did, immediately got demoted and always being seen as just an other employee. Nothing special. I hate my job. But am I going to leave? Probably not. Even though it makes me feel like shit every day I am there. But leaving would require me to go interview at different places and start all over again which is definitely not something I am interested in. So will I be a fucking server for the rest of my life? Probably. And trust me, I have been thinking long and hard about a way out. A way to do something awesome with my life and do for a long time and make money out of it. I have thought about this since I was a freshman in high school. But have I gotten anywhere? No. No I haven’t. There is literally nothing I can think about that I want to do with my life. I have no interests. No hobbies. Nothing. I am an empty shell that takes up space and air. I am going to be 25 this year and I am already $15,000 in debt from trying new things and failing. I am going to be living with my dad for the rest of my life and never meet anyone to fall in love with because I never go further than to work, I stopped going to the bars, I stopped hanging out with my friends because I can barely afford gas. I am numb.
And before anyone can say I can change all of this, all I have to do is go out and DO IT... ...Do WHAT?? And how can I when I can’t even get out of bed? How can I when I don’t have interests? How can I when I am never going to leave my shit job? How can I when I am not making any money to even remotely be able to support myself? How can I? With this kind of depression it’s far more than just situational. It is in my head, and it eats away at me every single day. I love my friends and family and my cats, but I hate my life. Just today I was google searching how to induce myself into a coma. WHAT?! The thought is always sticking to me in the back of my head, lingering there waiting for an action to be put into place. And it takes every ounce of my being to push that thought away and just live for an other worthless day. I am medicated, I am trying. But no amount of medication or trying feels like it is changing anything. My life is leading nowhere and I hate that. I want to have meaning, I want to find something I am interested in. I want to find something to be obsessed about and read and write and have a hobby.. I WANT all those things, I WANT a life.
And then there are those dreams that I have. If you didn’t know this about me, I am an avid lucid dreamer. Most, if not all, of my dreams are complex, with a plot, a beginning middle and end. Characters and backstories. I fall in love and I fight battles and I wake up every day in these dreams and have a motive and goals and act upon them. I write stories and I have purpose. But the moment I open my eyes, they all vanish, with just hints of sweet memories that linger for a while. Then it’s all gone. And I am awake. And I cry because my real life is nothing like that. I have no energy to act upon and I have no thoughts that are exceeding at anything important, I lose all my opinions on matters and interests. Just last night I had a beautiful dream and I wanted to write it down and make a story out of it but the moment my eyes opened and I reached for the pen I suddenly had nothing to say, no words could come out. A block appeared in my brain and then I was blank again. And I laid in bed with nothing in my head for hours. Just crying.
You can tell me until your face turns blue to be happy. That everything is going to be okay. To get help, to have faith. And I want to believe that. And I am trying to get help. But even after all these years and I still feel this way, I feel hopeless.
I just felt the need to publicly share and or vent on this topic. I have been having a really rough time lately and hopefully this can help people be a bit more understanding. Thanks for reading.