Make Me Magnificent

Mellow is my middle name.

[magnifiquemaker]

I keep staring at these 2 pictures..

My head already tells me it's impossible that the pregnancy will continue. My heart keeps wishing it will still be a viable pregnancy.

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My brain isn't in a good place right now..

All my thoughts are running wild with lots of what ifs. What if 2 wks more, there is still no heart beat? What if in 2 wks, there's no growth? What if I lose this baby?

My head can't wrap around a miscarriage. My eyes keep looking and reading up on miscarriage. If I miscarry now, will that mean it's going to be even harder to get pregnant?

My brain is shutting. I wish I had more answers to the questions that I have.

[magnifiquemaker]

So, today I got to know I am pregnant with baby no 3.

Mixed emotions.

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Decided to stalk Syafi today since it's Friday and the fact that every Friday, the K2s will be inside the school indoor gym for exercises.

It irks me that for a class of only 40 kids with 4 teachers inside and pretty much 39 kids are engaged, not even 1 teacher is willing to engage Syafi. How ridiculous.

It's ridiculous to a point that I see 3 teachers keep moving kids who are already engaged in the video and following the steps while they totally ignore Syafi who was playing with sports equipment on his own.

Why bother engaging with kids who are able to be engaged in the video? Why ignore the child who needed to be engaged that was right in front of you?

Honestly, I am disappointed. Very disappointed.

It's a school full of smart asses and incompetent teachers.

[magnifiquemaker]

I 'm crying.

Tears and emotions fill me up till it overflows. I never felt so happy and grateful that I needed to cry.

At a time where I thought I lost friends whom I thought cared about me. I was blessed by Allah who sent me earth angels who remembered me.

Teacher Ili sent me a birthday cake from Swensens. I never got that kind of present before in my life. I never had anyone sent it specifically for me. It made me feel like I was deserving of such a big gift. It made me wonder what did I do to deserve such love from such a wonderful person.

I am beyond touched. I am beyond the feeling of grateful because no other words comes to mind to describe this large feeling I have inside of me.

Ya Allah, i thank you a million times and a million more for sending Ili to my life. For being there for Syafi and me. For restoring faith and for the listening ears while she teach Syafi.

Please bless her with all the goodness of this world, protect her from all that will harm her and lift her up to your place in Jannah because she is deserving of it. Let your light always shine her path and let your hands ease her every difficulty. Amin.

Today, I feel loved. Really really loved. Thank you.

[magnifiquemaker]

Not sure what i'm stressing about today.

My heart feels so heavy like a boulder sitting on it. I have this immense need to want to cry and yet be loved at the same time. It feels like a whole lot of confusion at the moment.

I wish I could step away from whatever it is that makes me feel heavy.

[magnifiquemaker]

It's bloody past 2am and i''m still wide awake.

I blame the teh tarik i made for the caffeine content it had. Still, there wasn't anything else to drink besides teh or kopi. Kopi would have Made me worse.

So I'm blogging again. Not entirely sure again if this will work out. 5 mins into typing and I'm getting tired. That worked. Should've started earlier.

Let's just put it this way. Unsaid words creates a form of anxiety. Written words creates a calm and words spoken are a form release.

[magnifiquemaker]

Alhamdulillah!! We're set for Pathlight assessment this coming Monday for Syafi. I'm nervous for Syafi because he's been feeling angsty for the past week. Hopefully he'll do well for the assessment. Come Monday, it will determine which place will be the next chapter we're going to go. #syafiautismadventure #autisticmuslim https://www.instagram.com/p/CCqGQKyBu7K/?igshid=194d53aezekho

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I wish I could tell someone how I feel.

How deep my grief really runs. How tired and alone I feel. All these strong emotions that I put away for the last 8 years now is struggling to come out.

My heart hurts my brain hurts and my unshed tears are burning my eyes.

I just want myself to know that it's hard now but it will get better. The kids will get better at managing themselves and what they have. Let's manage us.

[magnifiquemaker]

Emotionally exhausted.. I don't know how I'm doing all this. Day in and day out.

Dealing with Syafi on the spectrum and Sheza with Bipolar. I'm starting to get depressed again. It's like I can't even begin to clean my room.

I just want to hide under the blankets, pretend i'm not there.

I want to cry out so badly but I keep having to put a brave front for the kids and Subri. Moments of wanting to scream are so intense that I wish I could redirect it elsewhere.

I feel so suppressed. Like I'm stuck in a time loop of never ending day.

[magnifiquemaker]

I see posts of people having babies.

Beautiful twins or even just one little bub.

And all I feel is sadness enveloping me. The horror of having a 3rd child and pining the hopes, dreams and wishes of myself, subri and the 2 siblings.

Do I really want a 3rd? Should I really have a 3rd? The fear of the child bearing either of what his or her siblings have right now is very overwhelming.

[magnifiquemaker]

Today, Syafi will officially be a childcare student. Today is the beginning of a long day for Syafi He will start staying in school till 4pm instead of 1pm. Today I feel relieved yet anxious if he is able to stay beyond the 1pm mark. The past week and that 2 days in April before lockdown, I've been picking him up at 1pm. I kept reiterating that 4pm is the new pick up time the whole wkend & morning to him. I think it's more or less to remind myself on that change of timing too. This morning was especially hard on Syafi because it dawned on him that going to My First Skool will be a permanent thing till year end. It made him yearn to go back to MIJ. He was upset that there was no more long bus rides and train rides to MIJ. No MIJ Teachers to scream his name and welcome him with open arms & hugs. No MIJ adult students who calls his name and wave him good morning or hold his hands while riding up the lift to school. No classmates & teachers to celebrate him and his achievements whole heartedly as he completed tasks after tasks. I know he misses the love, affection, understanding and trust he received for the last 2 yrs and 3 months at MIJ. He was upset with the changes. No matter how pre-emptive I was with him, change is always hard. But I know he will persevere and move forward. Adaptive skills are hard on Syafi but with encouragement and finding out what would pique his interest, he will find ways to enjoy school. This is the beginning of your journey to socially integrate with the neuro-typical. May Allah SWT protect you always my little man. #syafiautismadventure continues with a Volume 2. #autismspectrumdisorder #autisticmuslim #autismsg #autismacceptance https://www.instagram.com/p/CBK4D0hhP1W/?igshid=54q5x9uztyxe

[magnifiquemaker]

24 Ramadan This year Ramadan is different from all other Ramadans before. While the years before, we were so busy preparing for Eid while fasting and forgetting the importance of Ramadan. This year, Ramadan came and showed us what it truly means to celebrate Ramadan. Each night is filled with homes of families doing taraweeh, dzikir and duas together. Jemaah for solat fardhu. Brushing up on reading the Qur'an. Learning to memorize new surahs. This Ramadan in 2020 by far is my most favourite one. Because I didn't concern myself with Eid preparations and instead focus on spiritual growth. (at Fernvale) https://www.instagram.com/p/CARFJHbhzTp/?igshid=1rixtf2huuvpk

[magnifiquemaker]

Dark rain clouds looming.

A thunderstorm is brewing.

The sound of raging wind & rustled leaves.

The smell of wet air in raindrops weaves

Pitter Patter...

The rain shall splatter..

The pain, the sorrow, the sadness that weigh

Oh rain, wash my sins away

[magnifiquemaker]

Let's roll! Pink helmet, so what? Real boys wear pink okay. It's stay home & play every day because ibu is still inept at setting up the environment to suit your autism needs. There are days Ibu wish she can go back to work just to earn so she can send you to the best therapies she can afford. But alas, money is never enough because its not what you need. All Ibu can do is pray hard for you to be able to cope, work harder to give you a beneficial environment and push for as much sales of the carriers as much as possible. Friends, be a doll and promote Little Sarang. I would really appreciate it loads. Because every purchase goes to making Syafi's life a higher chance to be what he is capable of being. #babynms #littlenms #syafiautismadventure #autismsg

[magnifiquemaker]

Late night food adventure because we were curious and the hype had died down. For $4.50, we shared a meatball spaghetti that was hot and delicious. So, family adventure done. (at Chef in Box)